Partner on a business trip and he texted me this...

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

My partner left for a business trip earlier on today. He knows I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been looking for a job to no avail since January, and I'm feeling pretty shit about myself.

He texted me when he arrived in the country he was going to, that he'd arrived, and that, I quote, 'Im here and the women here are really hot 😍'

Am I being unreasonable to tell him he's being an absolute unfeeling cock. Am I being unreasonable that I told him him that he's really pissed me off and that if they're that hot, he can just go fuck them and fuck himself and fuck off?

His response was: It was a fucking joke, I’m sorry and when the fuck have I ever tried to make you feel insecure or done anything other than try to build you up. You fuck off.

Wow , I’m sorry , what a prick!!!

No , you were not being unreasonable!!!

Sorry, a lot of f words in there. But I was so upset.

This guy doesn't love you, sorry. Men don't talk to women they love like that. I am 47 and have never had any man tell me to fuck off, or even really sworn at me. It's a terrible to thing to say. I think you should dump this guy.

Thank you. I imagine that he would say, because I told him to fuck off and go and fuck himself, that he was well within his rights to tell me to fuck off as well. But seriously, who says that to their partner when they know their partner ("me") is feeling really, really low about themselves and has told them this? My self-confidence is on the floor and he knows this because I've told him that I'm really struggling at the moment.

You said similar to him first?

She'd just told him "he can just go fuck them and fuck himself and fuck off". She was abusive to him first, so it's not exactly surprising that he retaliated.

I was abusive because my response to him telling me that the women in the country he'd just arrived at were really hot, and I told him to fuck off, I was abusive?

A joke? How was it funny?

There are things that your partner should and shouldn’t say to someone they’re supposed to love and care about. Something like how hot he’s finding other women is an example of something that doesn’t need to be shared. I’m sure we all notice other people, but it’s really disrespectful to tell your partner about it, irrespective of how their partner is feeling.

His response was: It was a fucking joke, I’m sorry and when the fuck have I ever tried to make you feel insecure or done anything other than try to build you up. You fuck off. Wow, so he’s decided to double down. Interesting choice. Again, what was funny about it? And even if he hadn’t tried to make you feel insecure or shit about yourself, does that mean he gets to do it now? While he’s on a business trip?

I know that there are two sides to every story and he might say that you constantly need reassurance and it drives him mad. But if that were the case, a good man would either work with you to make you feel good, or would say that it was too much for him and he needed to walk away. Good men don’t talk to the people they love this way.

I know I used a lot of F words, but my question is: was I wrong to tell him that he was out of order?

He goes away on business all the time, and I just tell him to go and have a good time and enjoy himself. I absolutely guarantee you that I never, ever give him a hard time about going away, and I'm never ever needy at all. He mixes with some really successful, attractive people. I just give him a kiss and tell him to have a good time, and I'm never needy or need reassurance.

Is he supporting you OP

Is he supporting me in what way? Financially, no, absolutely not.

Yeah and he would have known that it would rile you up to say that, he could hardly expect a nice reply. Any decent man would have immediately rung you and apologised and made sure you were feeling okay.

No you weren't.

Your partner is an absolute moron.

Your partners comment certainly wasn't a joke. It was downright intended to upset you. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Obviously I don't know your dynamics but I do think maybe you overreacted. I can't imagine my husband saying this unprompted but he's not really an extrovert. I once asked him about whether a particular country he was working in lived up to its reputation for blonde attractive women and he said no but the dark haired interpreter was beautiful. I've got to admit I was a bit miffed but I had asked. I never said anything about it and I am sure he doesn't remember saying this years ago. Men can just be tactless. Good luck with the job hunting.

No, absolutely not. You need to decide what the minimum level of respect you’re willing to tolerate is. And if your partner falls below that level then bang, their time is up and they’re gone. He’s angry with you because he’s been disrespectful and instead of laughing it off and making out that he’s so funny, you’ve pulled him up on it. He doesn’t like that, so he’s made you out to be the aggressor and himself out to be the poor, hard done by victim, who works so hard to build you up. Classic DARVO; Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

How long have you been with this dickhead? Personally, I operate a zero tolerance policy for any sort of disrespect or nonsense. I think you’d be going down a slippery slope if you give him another chance.

She did not ask him about the women in the country.

If you were in a different headspace it would have been different?In the past were you more playful and open to banter?

I understand why you're asking that question, and no, not really, no. I feel like he does this every now and again to make me feel a bit insecure, he's always done it, but he hasn't done it for quite a while. It was just such a weird, random thing to say, totally unprompted, especially when he knows I'm having a hard time at the moment.

We've been together for nearly 5 years.

You still remember feeling miffed over an innocent passing comment you’d asked for, made by your DH years ago. Do you really and truly think she’s over reacted to a barbed comment she didn’t ask for, at a time he knows she’s feeling a bit sensitive?

Reply ‘The answer to your when have I ever… question is literally 1 minute previously, and if you scroll up approximately 12mm you can see your comment again for yourself.’

Your partner is a pillock.

You were not in the wrong at all.