Partner on a business trip and he texted me this...

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

My partner left for a business trip earlier on today. He knows I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been looking for a job to no avail since January, and I'm feeling pretty shit about myself.

He texted me when he arrived in the country he was going to, that he'd arrived, and that, I quote, 'Im here and the women here are really hot 😍'

Am I being unreasonable to tell him he's being an absolute unfeeling cock. Am I being unreasonable that I told him him that he's really pissed me off and that if they're that hot, he can just go fuck them and fuck himself and fuck off?

His response was: It was a fucking joke, I’m sorry and when the fuck have I ever tried to make you feel insecure or done anything other than try to build you up. You fuck off.

If he isn’t supporting you financially (and he doesn’t sound particularly emotionally supportive either) how are you supporting yourself?
and in my opinion he was definitely trying to make you feel down about yourself by saying that

What on earth would he expect your response to be? “Good, I’m so glad you are oggling women darling”?

What exactly is the funny part of the “joke”?

It’s such a bizarre thing to say. More like something a man might say to another man, not the woman he loves.

Yuck.

Not only was he unkind and disrespectful, he has shown how truly disgusting he is. Horrible. You definitely deserve better.

"I feel like he does this every now and again to make me feel a bit insecure, "

that is awful
why are you with someone like this

what kind of response did he expect to get saying that to you??
what did he think would happen?

no good would come out of saying that to your partner

why are you with someone delibrately making you feel bad and insecure like you say.

if he wanted to share that why not tell someone else one of his mates or another man or something.

he doesn't care about your feelings
he doesn't care about that comment would upset you
he is not a good partner

No, you were NBU to reply as you did OP. I'd probably text back "Oh it was a joke. I didn't realise because you forgot the punchline. What was the funny bit?"

Do you have a high sex drive too OP, or do you feel you have to do it more often that you'd like to keep him happy? Do you trust him while he's away? His comment would make me wary.

yeah he does not have any respect for you

It’s an awful thing for him to say whether you’re feeling insecure or like a million dollars.

It’s not normal boyfriend talk and suggests to me that he actually has the low esteem and does it to put you in your place to make himself feel better. It’s a sign of a weak personality. He should be building you up, being kind and thoughtful.

He isn’t making you happy, so what are you doing in this relationship? You deserve better.

Do you live together?

it may seem the nuclear option but I’d get rid of him personally.

there was no ‘joke’ in that statement. It was a way to bring you self doubt, unsettle you and subtlety make you grateful he’s with you.

you don’t need that. Pack his stuff and kick him out

i dont think i'd be so relaxed with someone
who has a high sex drive and (you were worried about not having sex before he left)
and tells me other women are 'really hot'
doesn't sound like he can be trusted at all

he is your partner.

also I notice you are looking more at your behaviours rather than his....

I don’t think that message was meant for you, I’d put money on it meant to be for a male friend or possibly other male colleague who is also going on the trip but wasn’t there yet.

exactly
what she needs is someone to make her feel good
not bad

or insecure

he has probably got used to doing this

and no-one should accept this behaviour
she deserves more

i mean to have this behaviour from your own partner let alone a stranger is upsetting

he is affecting her mental health
@GreatPlumBiscuit he is affecting your mind
he is affecting the way you feel about yourself
please do not stay with this man any longer

The message was not for you.
He has and will cheat.
Move on.
Short term pain long term gain.

It sounds like your usual relationship dynamic is built on shared status, high aesthetics, and your contribution as a highly attractive, beguiling partner. This power imbalance feels acceptable when you have the funds and energy to maintain that standard. However, after 9 months of unemployment, your energy is low, and his comment leaves you feeling exposed and easily replaceable - which is exactly what triggered your intense reaction.

Your anger feels less like raw surprise and more like heartbreak over timing: "How could you say that to me right now?" Your true objection is likely to the word "hot," which implies a visceral sexual attraction. If he had used more standard vocabulary and simply said the women were "high aesthetic," as perhaps he usually does when he talks about the successful, attractive people that you mentioned, it would have felt like an objective observation rather than a direct threat to your security.

Being unemployed is tough - but it is temporary. You will absolutely get back into the workforce, and get your funds, energy, and self-esteem back. However, this painful moment is a gentle warning sign about the fragility of this relationship dynamic. You deserve a relationship where you feel deeply secure, safe, and valued for who you are - even on the days when you don't have the energy to perform or look your best.

Is this drivel AI?

Trying to help the girl. It's more valuable than having her swap out this one for another with the same outcome

Teutonic AI drivel

Don't defend him like that.

She said he says things to her to make her feel insecure on a regular basis?
and he didn't explain to her that it was meant to be for a male friend in his response did he?
It is much more likely that he meant to say this to her
then denies his (regular) behaviour and told her to 'fuck off'
i think he knew what he was doing here.

It was a put down disguised as a joke.

I find this fascinating - complete sentences and paragraphs = AI? How far we have fallen

That gives context. No excuses though. Do you was a pay so he could have sex with someone there and justify it to himself as you told him to?

Exactly 🤦🏽‍♀️ it’s not even worth responding to.

Honestly I know it’s off topic but I utterly despise ChatGPT and all the other similar shitty AI apps.

Aside from the environmental impact, they are completely destroying the art of communication, natural dialogue and conversation.

Would not bother me in the least
We all look
It is normal
I trust my hubby

You are in a long term relationship and it's not usually helpful to pick out one interaction and decide that one of you is right and the other wrong. You seem fed up with each other and that needs addressing.

It wouldn’t be normal in my relationship for my DH to tell me about all the “hot women”. I find it quite gross to be honest. I think it’s perfectly normal to notice if you find someone attractive but I can’t say I’m actually looking for attractive men.

I also trust my DH but that has been built on him never giving the impression that he’s on the hunt for “hot women”. He’s also just more respectful to me and women in general.