Partner on a business trip and he texted me this...

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

My partner left for a business trip earlier on today. He knows I'm really struggling at the moment. I've been looking for a job to no avail since January, and I'm feeling pretty shit about myself.

He texted me when he arrived in the country he was going to, that he'd arrived, and that, I quote, 'Im here and the women here are really hot 😍'

Am I being unreasonable to tell him he's being an absolute unfeeling cock. Am I being unreasonable that I told him him that he's really pissed me off and that if they're that hot, he can just go fuck them and fuck himself and fuck off?

His response was: It was a fucking joke, I’m sorry and when the fuck have I ever tried to make you feel insecure or done anything other than try to build you up. You fuck off.

I should probably have said in my original post, , he has a very high sex drive. We hadn't done it for a couple of days, and we we were going to do it before he left, but we didn't have time, and I felt bloody bad about it.

I felt bad about it, and he knew I did. Then one of the first things he texts me when he gets to his business trip is how hot the women there are 😍. Like, fuck off.

Does he have any good points?

So, he “has a high sex drive” that you have somehow decided to feel guilty about and he doesn’t support you financially even though you are out of work

He’s really not sounding great

he is negging you. How old is her? If he’s under 25 I could possibly forgive. Otherwise. Bin him.

You know him better but if he's respectful to you otherwise, maybe he was just teasing you. You know him better though

See, I think you potentially overreacted to a comment you’d normally have been fine with because you’re feeling down?

My DP might well have said that to me, and I wouldn’t be upset by it because we might both comment on gorgeous people, just as chat

But I can see if you’re feeling shit it might hit wrong

Felt bad about not having sex for a few days? For why?

The relationship sounds very one sided and not really like a partnership.

Do you think the text was meant for someone else like his mates? It is a really odd thing to text your girlfriend or wife

No - you were not wrong. Saying 'It was a joke' does not excuse his wankish behaviour.

I have a boss at work like that - was 'joking' that he was going to dock my pay over something that he really couldn't do and basically he was enjoying winding me up just for the sake of it. It wasn't funny and he's a cocky little bastard who likes the 'power' over women. Your partner is doing the same - but at least I can get away from the boss at home!!

@Fieldmiceears this last sentence was my immediate thought -
saying the women are hot isn’t funny to a partner it’s hardly tactful -
perhaps it was a Freudian slip as he meant to say the temperature
is hot? which of course wouldn’t work if he was in Scandanavia

OP you make this sound like just another chore you didn’t complete -

No I’d say he was abusive or at least highly disrespectful to her first
by taunting her with saying the women there were hot especially knowing she’s stuck in another country and unable to see what he’s doing.

It was a fucking joke, I’m sorry and when the fuck have I ever tried to make you feel insecure or done anything other than try to build you up. You fuck off.

Even if you take the swear words out of it his response was disgusting. He is literally saying things to make her feel insecure but yet angrily denying he has ever done such a thing. He is saying sorry but his tone is aggressive and disrespectful. Why did he even bother getting that sorry in there?

That’s you and your relationship.

For Op (and for me and many others) it’s not acceptable or expected to receive that kind of text from your partner irrespective of how you are feeling. Even if I was in a good mood and feeling confident about my life, I’d not like a text like that. I assume OP does not send him texts like that.

Honestly that’s the kind of text I can imagine maybe receiving from my older brother who is single or one of my male friends who is single.

It’s bad enough someone who isn’t single sending that but if they did I’d expect them to send it to their sibling/friend. It’s utterly bizarre that they would send it to their partner.

And he even said “it’s a joke” so clearly he even is acknowledging this isn’t the way they seriously talk to each other. The issue is it’s a shit “joke” with no punchline or good intention.

Are you sure that message wasn’t sent to the wrong person? It really doesn’t make sense that he’s sent it to you (he’s a nasty piece of work either way, but my gut is it was meant for a friend not his partner).

No, but by saying fuck off ypu weaken your position as he then zooms in on you doing that. Classic blame shift.

You need to be a bit more aware of that next time. Well, don't need to. But it may help you get your point across.

I agree, but I also feel she’d be better off without him altogether if he’s someone that uses DARVO type tactics.

I wonder if OP is financially dependent on him since she’s not working - and he feels as if he can say what he wants because she needs him.

Is he 14? Because I can’t believe that an adult man texts his partner about how hot women are somewhere. I’d reconsider the relationship, although this probably wasn’t the first time he was immature and tactless?
About the language, ‘fuck off’ and other fuck variations isn’t something I’d ever use or accept, but it seems to be a thing in how you two communicate, so I won’t judge him for this.

OK there goes my theory then. I had thought maybe he was financially supporting since you’re out of work.

Regardless of what my partner said via text message, I'd never tell them to f-off. You both sounds pretty immature and low on EI.

Hey OP, is there any chance that message wasn't meant for you? Like, for a colleague or something? And instead of trying to explain himself he just doubled down?

Jokes are meant to be funny, his comment wasn't a joke, he knows it and so do you. Hence his DARVO reply. I think he's negging you, OP.

I literally couldn’t imagine my DH texting that to me. We often joke and try to wind each other up but not like that.

I had an ex and we were on holiday with my family. A particularly beautiful, blonde woman was near us and the ex was texting someone. He suddenly asked “how do you spell blonde? With an e?” My family are convinced he was trying to make me jealous (but I had already mentally dumped him ages ago. Just had to wait for the awkward holiday that had already been paid for first. 🙄) but it was just rude and disrespectful. He made himself look like a twat.

@GreatPlumBiscuit, you don’t come out glowing with your response to him but I can understand why you said it. Your partner is not funny and why he would message that, I have no idea. Really think about what positives he is bringing to your life.

If my Dh sent that I would assume that he had sent it to the wrong person as we don’t talk to each other like that. I also wouldn’t tell him to fuck off. We both have more respect for each other.

If this isn’t the norm for your relationship then I’d be upset.
If it is something that you both usually do but you feel more sensitive to it at the moment then I’m not sure that it’s on him.

"His response was: It was a fucking joke, I’m sorry and when the fuck have I ever tried to make you feel insecure or done anything other than try to build you up."

the answer to this is 'now'
'NOW when you said this to me'

he doesn't seem to have any awareness of how he impacts you
swearing at you instead

NO

he provoked you