AIBU to wonder if parents ever feel disappointed in their children but hate admitting it?

[Hassleback]

I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations vs reality. We all imagine what our children might be like as they grow up, but life doesn’t always match the picture in our heads.
Do other parents ever feel a sense of disappointment — not in a cruel way, just a quiet, uncomfortable feeling you don’t want to say out loud? And if so, how do you deal with it without letting it affect your relationship with your child?

He then proceed to talk about how disappointed he was in his own 2 daughters. Going into so much detail about how they were poor academically, how they had no ambitions to have real careers or make money and how socially they were both embarrassing.
I still think about it and think how wild that is that he just dropped something so serious in a message like that.

My Dad did that for years when older sibling went of the rails - every interaction with anyone ended up about him ranting at their choices - which were bad TBF.

Often me and Dsis were stood right there - it even happend at events supposed to celebrate us. Made me feel invisible and very embrassed - you could see people trying to edge away.

He and Dmum would also when I did well then say younger sibling - only one free in end of SEN - was much better so would likely do so much better - they didn't in end not that that was ever acknowledged.

Then it became about their child doing really well just as my kids were struggling - again at moment my kids have better exam results . However that child while at less prestigous uni one of those no-one heard of and on practical course is I think more driven to get independent than our kids are so few years time that may well look very different.

My DC seem much happier to celebrate and support each other when things do not work out. So maybe we did something right as parents.

No, I'm not saying it's automatically the parents' fault. I'm saying that if we're trying to understand how someone becomes capable of committing heinous crimes, surely their childhood and the environment they grew up in are relevant factors to look at.

This isn't just speculation. Home Office research into serious violence has identified childhood maltreatment among the factors associated with it. HM Inspectorate of Probation also identifies parenting, parental supervision, family conflict and attachment as relevant factors in youth offending. And research published in 2025 found that children exposed to persistent poverty and poor parental mental health had 2.2 times the odds of weapon involvement at age 17 compared with children exposed to low levels of both.

Obviously, these findings don't prove that someone's parents caused them to become a criminal, and most children who experience adversity don't go on to commit serious crimes. But that's not the point. Upbringing can be one contributing factor among many, and acknowledging that doesn't absolve an offender of responsibility for their actions.

Understanding why someone commits a terrible crime isn't the same as excusing it. And questioning the environment that helped shape them isn't the same as blaming their parents for everything they eventually do.

They listen to and take on our advice. They know our struggles and that we want the best for them.

Why would I be proud about it?

I am disappointed that my ds doesn't work hard at anything or have any determination to succeed. He is super bright and very popular, and has so far cruised through life because everybody seems to like him and things just have a habit of going his way. He is still in further education but he won't end up getting the kind of job that he wants because he won't put the effort in and I fear that he will end up being disappointed with the life that he ends up with. I am proud of many things about him but his lack of determination and focus is so unlike me than I struggle to not be disappointed.

My children are good people and have good friends and relationships. Their work life balance is better than ours and we are learning a thing or two from them .
At times I’d have said they were lazy and not trying enough but they don’t want to be us.
I only said to dh the other day we would probably have done life a little differently if we knew then.

Could they have done better, yes but so could I as a parent.

Completely agree with this.

Being disappointed by your child at a fundamental existence level is very different from being disappointed by a specific action or lack of action.

Some of the stories here of people disparaging their children comprehensively are tragic and honestly I consider parents who do this to be abusive.

But I think its very human for parents to encourage their kids to make the best of themselves and seize opportunities. I don’t think its great to signal to them that they never have to try hard at anything and have no accountability or responsibility.

For example if my DD flunked all her exams, not because of ability or mental health issues but because she couldn’t be arsed I would be disappointed and I think that’s legitimate. Setting up an expectation where it doesn’t matter what you do is not a helpful example to set to a child. The reality is people will judge you and measure you throughout your life. External validation is not something which should dictate everything you do, but neither is it helpful to pretend it doesn’t matter at all.

It's quite narcissistic to paint any negative characteristics as being from his dad and

...Ever feel a sense of disappointment — not in a cruel way, just a quiet, uncomfortable feeling you don’t want to say out loud?

No worse than DC feel about me.

I know (ex)PIL's feels that way about both their sons. Both mine/ex and BLI/SIL's relationships broke down at around the same time. In both cases due the actions of their sons, and a year later both 'men' are deadbeat dad's.

Poor MIL nearly had a break down blaming herself for what could have gone wrong when raising them.

My dc have had periods like this so I need to give them a kick up the behind. It's part of parenting.

Napoleon ,said of his generals, that he would far rather have a lucky general than a talented one.
You have no way of knowing how your son will do when he leaves education- effort in does not equal the results experienced.
The fact you can't accept that effort is not the only factor in the success or failure of a career is on you, not your son.

I see your point but if he doesn't even apply for jobs he is unlikely to get one! That is the level of lack of effort that I am alluding to....I am well aware that effort isn't everything but an employer isn't going to just sense that he wants to work for them.

Just because Napoleon said something doesn't mean everything he says is true or should be applied today.

Someone who barely puts effort in constantly forever will one day have a shock when this crumbles. Putting effort in and working hard always helps. Effort is not the only factor but effort and hard work is needed. You've given really bad advice