AIBU to wonder if parents ever feel disappointed in their children but hate admitting it?

[Hassleback]

I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations vs reality. We all imagine what our children might be like as they grow up, but life doesn’t always match the picture in our heads.
Do other parents ever feel a sense of disappointment — not in a cruel way, just a quiet, uncomfortable feeling you don’t want to say out loud? And if so, how do you deal with it without letting it affect your relationship with your child?

I think my parents were probably disappointed in their DCs . None of us seem to have had the work ethic that they , especially my father saw as important. Not surprising as he has to overcome a lot to be successful. They spoiled us but at the same time didn't guide to adulting . It was very hit and miss and I think knowing that we had a safety net contributed. I redeemed myself by eventually marrying and having DCs .

I have been disappointed for my kids when they didn't seem to grasp the opportunities they had . But they wanted to go their own way and nothing I could do about that . They are both doing OK but I think life would have been much easier for them if they hadn't made some bad choices .

But I wouldn't dream of saying anything negative to them . Why would anyone parent deliberately try to make their child feel bad about themselves? There are plenty of others willing to take you down, you should be able to rely on your family to support you .

I feel my children and my elder one in particular were sent to me to teach me the futility of trying to control anything in life! I had some quite fixed preconceptions of what a child of mine and my husbands would turn out like....based on me and on him.... actually they are both what we jokingly call 'changelings'!!! There are some small traces of us in them, but mostly they are completely and uniquely themselves and it would be impossible and cruel to try to force them into the preconceived boxes we had so happily imagined for them. They really prove the words of Kilal Gibran to me... that your children dont belong to you, they come through you but not from you. Sometimes I do feel a twinge of disappointment or exasperation, its hard to let go of your 'dreams / ideas ' etc.... but mostly its exactly as it should be.

Well my mother told people I was a loser because I ended a toxic marriage instead of staying and getting battered and bruised and having kids with him and raising them into dysfunction. My mother of course 'forgot' she had left my father and me and my siblings for another man when I was a teenager so yes I guess in a way she is disapointed in me and tells people horrible things about me. She leaves out the part where I became a success afterwards of course but hey ho never let the truth get in the way of a good story and all that.

Of course my children disappoint me from time to time. They wouldn't be human otherwise. Anyone who claims that they are never disappointed by their children (or any other human being in their life) is delusional.

Generally speaking I am incredibly proud of their achievements and I think they are decent, loving, respectful and contributing members of society. They are the people in my life that I love above all others and I feel very fortunate to know them and have such a close relationship with them. However, do they sometimes behave and do things in a way that I think is a bit disappointing - for sure. Do I sometimes behave and do things in a way that disappoints myself - of course!!!!!

That is normal.

I can honestly say I have not once felt any kind of disapointment in my son. Not once.

I agree.
My children could have worked harder at school, my DS most definitely.
My DD could have gone to university but decided not to.
But both have grown into well-rounded individuals that work hard and work well in taxing jobs, both doing progressive training.
Both have married good partners that cherish their small child.
They operate within the law and respect authority.
They both have a solid network of friends to support them in life.
How could I feel any disappointment?

I haven't ever sensed any disappointment in me (nor me in my own DC) but I am enormously disappointed in one of my parents (and deeply ashamed) and my DH is utterly disappointed in how his parents turned out!! (Judgemental, selfish and useless)

My mother has no problem admitting it

It’s not always that, though. My mother is horribly disappointed in me — she brought me up to leave school early, stay local, marry young and be a SAHM to at least three children. That was what success looked like to her. Instead she got a highly academic daughter who studied at elite universities, travelled the world, had a professional career and married and had one child by choice at 40. My ‘success’ just doesn’t code for her. She thinks bitterly ‘What did I do wrong?’

Oh I think my mothers disapointment is that I did not stay in the role she made for me within the wider family and far from being a 'loser' I have proven time and again she was not only wrong but a liar too. The things shes told the family about me are unreal but they cannot change the fact I am a wonderful parent, have many qualifications, fantastic friends, my own home and we are very well travelled on top of it all AND without help from her, other family, the government etc. It actually kills her when I do or buy something that she can't have or could never afford. Baffling thing to be disapointed in really.

I've always known I was a disappointment simply by being born a girl.

From my observations most dissapointed parents are actually disappointed by themselves

why can’t they realise their child is their own person and just watch, support and enjoy who they become

some seem to think their children are pets to train and mould
they take too much credit or blame for how their children turn out

My mother was very similar- we had nothing in common and were never close. She was continually telling me i was running my life wrong, I never went NC but after a particularly vile incident I kept everything superficial and saw as little as possible. She died recently, and despite all our differences i expected to miss her, but if I am honest i don't- she was not a positive force in my life, which is sad but can't be changed.

Wouldn't you feel disappointed if despite an able body and able mind your DC didn't do very well at school, didn't do much with their life and ends up as an adult earning very little. Not much to be "proud about" is there?

I could have written this about our eldest son!! He is now a Head Teacher and often bemoans student x for doing exactly what he did. Feels very good to point it out to him! So, there is hope.

Well, only if your metric is money, surely?

It depends on what you mean by didnt do much with their life really.

I sometimes feel sad that my DCs don't seem to be very thoughtful or caring. I'm going to sound like an egotist, but I've always looked out for others and notice if someone needs help. The DCs have seen me helping people over the years, yet they are more likely to look the other way. They absolutely aren't cruel or unkind, just oblivious I think! I'm a very anxious person so I wonder if that makes me more aware of my surroundings and how others perceive me.

I think that just means you're not disappointed in them :P

I am disappointed my son didn't make the most of the opportunities he had, he's incredibly intelligent but just never applied himself so im a bit sad that his life could have been much better. But l would never tell him that, although am sometimes tempted to when he moans about how his cousin's and sisters lives are so much better than his.
But at least working and can support himself.

My mother would say the same. However, she’s a chronic people-pleaser whose low self-esteem means she can’t just make friends, she looks around for people who ‘need’ her because they’re unlucky, unwell, lonely etc, and trades ‘services’ for a relationship. It’s not healthy, and the resulting relationships are not friendships. Now she’s in her eighties and still wondering why her ‘friends’ only contact her when they need something. She doesn’t understand why her adult daughters don’t base their friendships on ‘helping people’.

You also sound like someone who’s afraid to say no to others. It’s possible your children don’t want to live like that. I don’t mean this in a hostile way, but, maybe they’re deliberately choosing to live a different way.

I agree but it doesn't always work out like that.
Sadly, I talk from experience.

My parents were (still are as far as I'm aware) disappointed in me. I don't think I ever really fit with them. Now as a parent myself the most exciting part is seeing what my boys will do and who they will become.

There are times when they have messed up spectacularly and come to me for support and times when they have surpassed any expectations I had of them.

Life is a journey and success means so many things to different people at different times.

I was and am not in any way skilled or talented; nothing came easy to me, i was not academic, i was awful at sport, not musical, and not artistic. My parents, especially my father made it very clear that I was useless, in fact he had an alliterative nickname for me He called me "The totally talentless T......." (my first name began with T,) so this insult tripped of his tongue and he would laugh in a contemptuous way. I resolved to value my child for the simple fact that they are them, I encouraged ed and expected them to be a decent honest person who would work hard. I always used to say that as long as they were not racist, sexist or homophobic, then i would be happy. They have done ok, always worked, have recently bought their first home, they are kind and considerate so i am not disappointed in them. I do feel a pang when friends talk about some of the things their adult children have achieved in the material sense, but I also have friends whose adult children are having troubled and challenging lives.

I mean would you be proud of a DC who wasn't financially stable and secure and independent. You can't pay bills with love and kindness.