AIBU to wonder if parents ever feel disappointed in their children but hate admitting it?

[Hassleback]

I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations vs reality. We all imagine what our children might be like as they grow up, but life doesn’t always match the picture in our heads.
Do other parents ever feel a sense of disappointment — not in a cruel way, just a quiet, uncomfortable feeling you don’t want to say out loud? And if so, how do you deal with it without letting it affect your relationship with your child?

People are who they are. You can advise and guide but you can’t force someone to listen that guidance.

The one thing I think is important is never be disappointed in your own role as a Mum. Continue to be loving, supportive and positive, even when it’s hard!

If a person can’t get that off their own Mum, who can they get it off?

That unerring love and support could save your child one day, in any number of ways.

I hear you. It’s hard to be proud of DC who have gone off the tracks. You can’t stop loving them but shame and disappointment are inevitable when they behave against the values that you tried to instill. The pain can be unbearable.

Will probably get slated for sharing this but when I was pregnant with our first I was giving my partners dad and his dads friend a lift somewhere (I think DP was originally meant to do it but something came up and I didn’t want to let them down).

Anyway I was making small talk his dads friend for the 45 minutes. A few days later my partners dad sends me a screenshot of a message his friend had sent him.

it basically said:

it was so nice of Bertha (name change) to give us a lift. Please thank her. She seems like a great young woman, you must be pleased to have her in your family and happy that she is having your grandchild.

He then proceed to talk about how disappointed he was in his own 2 daughters. Going into so much detail about how they were poor academically, how they had no ambitions to have real careers or make money and how socially they were both embarrassing.

I still think about it and think how wild that is that he just dropped something so serious in a message like that.

Gosh. This. I think disappointment in your children will only ever brew out of this unrealistic mindset.

Yes, I’d say so. My son is, I suppose, going through the awkward teen phase (thought we’d come out of it now, but no) and I feel like he’s quite rude in social situations with family - takes himself off during family get togethers and makes no effort to make conversation or get to know people properly. He was so much fun as a kid, but now seems a bit judgy and just unwilling to try with his cousins (who range in ages either side of his) or any relatives in fact.

I find it SO boring and a bit embarrassing really. I just imagined he’d be more fun.

If they were happy then damn right I'd feel proud!

I think this is actually quite an insightful post.

Ultimately, what makes a mother's love so special is it is unconditional, and if you only love them because you think they are objectively perfect in every way, that doesn't really amount to the same thing.

Love is loving them as they are, seeing objective shortcomings but not letting that taint your feelings.

So I think the answer Op is to allow yourself to acknowledge it (privately) but not let it affect your feelings.

On occasion, and if it is something they CAN change, maybe you do gently say that their behaviour has disappointed you and support them in changing it. I guess that is actually parenting. But never anything they can't help.

He then proceed to talk about how disappointed he was in his own 2 daughters. Going into so much detail about how they were poor academically, how they had no ambitions to have real careers or make money and how socially they were both embarrassing.

I can't stand it when people do this. It is usually parents who didn't really give much of themselves to parenting too.

I feel my children and my elder one in particular were sent to me to teach me the futility of trying to control anything in life!

This has made me really laugh! But you are right about accepting what we can control and what we can't.

Well, you are far from useless. You have turned a very negative treatment of you into a positive treatment of your own child. Not as many people manage that as you'd like to think, so it's a slap on your shoulder from me.

Why?

My in-laws do this with my BIL who is exactly the same (apart from financially successful!). He’s an extremely problematic, misogynistic narcissist but they insist that he’s a “genius” and “misunderstood”because he’s writing some kind of bizarre alpha-male military novel that can’t get published. They also insist he’s always been “very special” and “far too intelligent” as a child because he was very loud and obnoxious and a bully. It’s truly bizarre to watch them twist the narrative when faced with the truth.

I’m more disappointed in myself as a Mother and for not realizing what a fucking awful father and husband the man I procreated with was, until it was too late.

My poor kids.

I can relate to some of the posts above about "intelligent, but lazy" DC. I love my DC so much and think they are amazing, but it can be a bit frustrating when someone with so much potential doesn't seem to be putting in any effort. I bite my tongue because it's their life at the end of the day.

This is me! My mum is sadly not around anymore and now that I'm a parent I can finally appreciate all the sacrifices she made to make sure i had opportunities (which I stubbornly refused to turn into any kind of success). However I'm in a stable marriage, with wonderful children and a good enough home and job, so i like to think if she saw me now she would think it worked out well for me

My parents were really disappointed in me. I was the youngest of 3 and the least academic and talented in sport. I was very much middle of the road and it was an embarrassment.

Now that disappointment is misplaced. My sister became an alcoholic and died and my brother has life long MH problems and works an entry level job. I still get criticised for all my choices, my parenting, my house etc.

My children won’t disappoint me. To be honest I’m amazed by everything they do and achieve. They do sports though and lots of kids disappoint their very pushy parents through that.

There seems to be two levels of disappointment being discussed.

There's a very damaging level where the parents have a fixed, unrealistic concept of what their child should be that they can't live up to, and tends to be accompanied with a heavy dose of emotional detachment, and the child themself is seen as disappointing.

Then there's being disappointed in specific actions that are inhibiting the child from achieving their own goals/ desires which is a normal part of parenting and caring.
I've mentioned revision upthread; I want him to achieve what he realistically can, so he can do the courses that he wants, where he wants next year and put the work in towards that. I'm gently encouraging and reminding him, but I can't do it for him, and if I stay out of it completely that's not helping him long term either. My influence is small, and if he does end up doing plan B or plan C he won't be A Disappointment to me, but it is better to encourage his plan A path at this stage. As a parent, it's easier for me to see the big picture of how this school year unfolds than it is for him in the thick of it and ignoring the exams he has in 5 days time in favour of some rest now (he has already had a week off!)
It's not about my dreams, I did my exams and am pleased with the oucome, effort and where it lead me, it's about him being able to feel that pride in himself and not being disappointed in himself (or blaming the exam boards as he did a few months ago...)

It's like the distinction between an anxious mood/ anxiety, or a depressed mood/ depression. It's ok to find a specific action to be disappointing, but not ok to find the person disappointing.

Yes @BogRollBOGOF I agree with the distinction made in your final sentence. Like when they were little and did something naughty - you can dislike the behaviour while loving the child.

I think that the fact you have recognised this early on and your honesty with yourself about it bodes well for your children in the future. In hindsight I wish that I had waited more to see my children's natural strengths were, and also their not so strong points, before having any expectation other than that they were kind and considerate and true to themselves.

I don't bite my tongue and let my DC waste their potential. I help them and encourage them to do what pays the most with their expertise. I want them to thrive and live a full life.

The same thing if they were not eating healthy not exercising and putting on weight and at risk of diabetes. Of course I'd say something!

@BogRollBOGOF agree. My disappointment would be with individual actions, not my entire character of my children.

When I said that if someone had never been disappointed by their children, or anyone else for that matter, they were delusional it was with respect to a specific disappointing incidents (like a thoughtless birthday gift that sort of thing) - not being disappointed by their entire character. I think you explained it better than me!

I have one DC who isn’t academic at all despite DH and I being highly educated and me being a literal academic. She struggles greatly at school and is likely going to fail most GCSEs despite lots of extra support including paid tuition. She will be fortunate to scrape a pass in English language.

It’s difficult to reconcile with given how older DS got 8/9s across the board and is currently doing 4 A Levels and younger DD is set to achieve similar. She wants to be an air hostess so is looking at travel and tourism at college. She may have to start at level 1 or 2 depending on GCSE results. I’m not disappointed as such but I wonder what went wrong. I think she’s inherited my mum’s intelligence.

But you’ve got to help them develop their own way forward. Forcing anyone towards anything isn’t healthy, but showing the way is.
My kids made their own decisions with our help and support. Perhaps that’s why they live a balanced and happy enough life now.

Oh stop it!

Why proud "just for being happy" and nothing about actually achieving something in life.