AIBU to wonder if parents ever feel disappointed in their children but hate admitting it?

[Hassleback]

I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations vs reality. We all imagine what our children might be like as they grow up, but life doesn’t always match the picture in our heads.
Do other parents ever feel a sense of disappointment — not in a cruel way, just a quiet, uncomfortable feeling you don’t want to say out loud? And if so, how do you deal with it without letting it affect your relationship with your child?

I know what you mean. For me it will be if they do something mean or selfish, but it’s also disappointment in myself for not having brought them better.

When growing up, my Dad was deeply disappointed with my younger brother. He squandered many training and work opportunities & looking back I think he was undiagnosed adhd, which my Dad would have no awareness of. They never had much of a relationship beyond mid teens, it’s a pity as it blighted the dynamics of the family. My Dad just got on with life and left my DB to it.

I feel sad sometimes when I don’t see kids make the most of all the opportunities they have had and do have.

My late DM found me to be a disappointment as an adult and had no qualms about letting me know. She never figured out why we weren’t close at all and I eventually went NC (after a lifetime of issues).

Now I have DC I am trying to bring him up to be a decent human being in every respect, and I hope that he lives up to this expectation. I think it is natural to have some disappointment but depending on what it is/seriousness of it, you should keep it to yourself if you want to preserve your relationship.

For my DM and I - I was a disappointment to her because I’m not slim, fashionable or attractive; I got married and had DC too late compared to other relatives, I moved away from hometown, my job isn’t good enough etc.

I think that, actually, it’s good that our children disappoint us sometimes. They’re not here to give us a constant stream of satisfaction/live out our dreams.

My children have disappointed me on occasion, for all sorts of reasons - sometimes things that I shouldn’t have been disappointed about. Doesn’t mean that they’re not amazing and I’m not embarrassingly proud of them.

It’s very hard without context to know if disappointment is reasonable. This one is a good healthy non narcissistic answer but someone else who might be disappointed might also be right to feel so in specific circumstances. The things that are disappointing would be selfishness, or dishonesty. Much less clear when it’s something like a job or lifestyle choice.

One of my brothers has grown up to be, whilst relatively successful financially, an absolute misogynist of a man with a horrid, supercilious manner. I know that my parents would dislike these attitudes in anyone else but they never, ever express any discontent about my brother - even when I try to open the conversation with them. They have absolutely no qualms in sharing their grievances or thoughts about anyone else, including (especially) me when they have any. And they lie/rewrite the narrative for him when they talk about him because they obviously know some of the stuff he says and does isn’t ok but can’t admit that he has a single fault.

It’s so wild to me because they have a personality transplant whenever it’s anything that concerns him. And for my DS, I know I would be much more disappointed to have raised an Andrew Tate supporter than I would to raise a man who didn’t do amazingly well financially.

Oh, this thread is appearing at an interesting time for me. I have recently become conscious (through discussions with DH about our misaligned expectations of our primary-age children) that I am running a risk of my children feeling pressure to be people they just might not be.

It's hard. I have dreadful insecurity and low self worth, this seems to manifest me wanting my children to be and do all of the things I am not/can't do (via nuture), while also being able to do most of the stuff I can (via nature).

DH is much more secure in himself and his place in life and is very laid back about everything, and happy to just let the DC float and see what happens.

I'm disappointed in some of my DS' choices and in some aspects of how he has turned out. I'll be honest! A couple of values I tried to instil in him which I believe strongly in, he does not. Sometimes he behaves in ways that mirror his father's less pleasant traits, and I might wish he took more after me than his father. And sometimes he is just a young immature man and they can certainly do things that disappoint. But am I disappointed with who he is as a person? Absolutely not. I am not a narcissist, I know he is 100% his own person and I love and accept him for exactly who he is.

we’ve all got expectations of our children.

and they all disappoint us sometimes. Children are largely learning how to be and sometimes (often!) they do stuff that is disappointing.

they forget stuff, aren’t always nice to their friends, lie to people etc.

that’s people being people.

i will admit to being disappointed that one of my dc hasn’t used the opportunities available to her (that I never had) but she is not me and she’s carving her own path in life.

i don’t express this to her.

I have two adult stepchildren and a child with my partner.

One out of the three was determined to get married to the first person they ever went out with, who had a rather dominating personality. Both the kids who came out of the relationship are lovely, but they also have significant additional needs. Severe ones in the case of the older one. The adult child in question is now a divorced single parent in their late thirties, and I think it will be hard for them to find new love. I feel both disappointed and sad for them.

I’ve had been disappointed in things and choices both my DS’s have made. One DS in particular has some views that don’t align with mine. But overall, I’m proud of them and who they are. I think every child is going to do things that disappoint after all they are their own people. In a way that’s one of the things I’m most proud of ironically, that both boys feel able to live the life they want without feeling pressure to conform to my ideals for them.

Not disappointed IN but horribly disappointed FOR my neurodivergent teen. Since starting senior school her condition has become hugely more of a hindrance to normal life. This year has been a mental health hell and her future looks terribly uncertain. I can see she’s doing her best but I consider it an achievement if she gets out of bed for the day. I don’t see how she will ever get a job or live independently and I don’t think I’ve adjusted to that reality yet. I’m disappointed for her and also for me. I was looking forward to some freedom from the day to day parenting activities as she got old enough to go to Uni or get a job or learn to drive but none of those things now seem to be possible.

I imagine so, parents are only human. The thing I want most for my children is for them to be happy, but I'm sure there are many things I would feel disappointed about (especially if they did something like cheat or were uninvolved parents, but less reasonable things I'd never admit to them too).

I don’t mean to derail the thread but @TreeDudette your post really resonated with me, I could have written it myself a few years ago. My neurodivergent teen struggled hugely with the transition to high school, friendship issues were quickly followed by very poor mental health and there was a time that I couldn’t see a future for her at all, and the disappointment FOR her was crushing. Fast forward a few years and she is now 18, in college and loving it, has passed her driving test and fully embracing the independence that driving has given her, and we are starting to look at university options. It is not all rosy by any stretch of the imagination, and she still has some very difficult days, but we are a long way from the dark days of her early teens.

Obviously I don’t know your circumstances, or those of your DD, but I could feel the despair from your post and I hope that sharing my experience may give you just a little hope that things can change for the better. Sending unMumsnetty hugs to you

I'd prefer it if my 15yo was feeling more motivated to revise for his mocks and not coast along on natural intelligence and classwork. He's already had one round of cautionary tale results which hasn't amended his mindset. It is a kind of disappointment, but it's because I want him to reach his potential and know the work that he needs to reach it. I will be disappointed if he leaves it to a last minute gamble and can't reach his (otherwise achievable) Plan A in September. It's wanting him to do well for himself, not about bragging rights for me.

I'm also concious that this is a common rite of passage for 15yos, and if things don't go to plan there are other suitable pathways for him and this is just a phase that he's blundering and (hopefully) learning through.

I think that's a fair emotional reaction of caring and parenting and very different to being disappointed that he's not going to be a Premiership Footballer or get 9s in languages when he has no aptitude for them and only took the subject because it was a requirement.

I agree with this.

I don’t expect my daughter to be perfect at everything or even good at everything and I accept her limitations but I find it incredibly frustrating when she can’t grasp opportunities with both hands.

I am proud of her for trying hard at things she is not good at but failing. For example she is not great at maths but she’s trying really hard. The idea of her settling for a mediocre, humdrum life because she couldn’t be bothered to exert herself would really upset me. Spending whole weekends in bed, not going for jobs or courses etc. I am contemptuous of people who waste chances.

Maybe that’s bad but it’s how I feel. I can’t bear waste and inertia.

I think if your parents have fixed ideas about what they want you to be, you are bound to disappoint them. My mum especially was disappointed in me. She never explicitly said so, but I knew. I was strong-willed, not the little doll she thought she'd get.
My children are all very different and I learned that they will do their own thing in life, and I'm fine with that. As long as they are happy with their lives , and good kind people, that's all that matters.

I could have written this post. I feel exactly the same way. The fact that DD is unlikely to ever support herself fills me with sadness and disappointment for both me and her. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the disappointment of a life not lived for either of us.

I dreamt they would be a decent pethidine they are, that is all I expected

Why on earth would people have any more expectations than that, children are not programmed to be what parents demand

Lots of people are disappointed in the choices their dc have made and I've heard it many times, it shouldn't have to be a taboo. Should we feign happiness and pride if our dc choose a life of crime, drugs, unemployment etc? I will never forget once at school sports day a mum watching her dd running a race and her turning to me and saying it was such a disappointment to her that her dd wasn't athletic. It was refreshingly honest, but the dd was only 7!

If you are educated to a certain level, work and have certain morals/ethics, most parents assume their dc will have similar. I think that is quite standard.

I suspect parents are often a little disappointed.

This is not because they are terrible people but because most humans do day dream, imagine and wonder. And that will have meant imagining your child as a professional dancer on Strictly or a newsreader or as a parent themselves, raising wonderful grandchildren or having them round every Sunday as adults.

And none of those things might happen. They don't pursue dancing or aren't very good, they choose not have children, they move to Australia.

And it's ok to feel a slight sense of disappointment sometimes. Its human. We hope and dream and they almost all do not come true.

It's what you do about it that matters, not the feeling of it.

I know I was a disappointment to my mother, which used to really bother me but I have a lot more sympathy now with age and maturity.

The problem was, I was a very articulate and seemingly intelligent child because I read early and I read a lot. It gave an impression of intelligence that wasn’t really accurate. So when I was average - maybe a bit brighter than some but still middle of the road - it was a disappointment.

I also gained weight as a teenager. I was never absolutely enormous but I was quite plump at one point, and this was in the Kate Moss heroin chic era when I was just squeezing myself into size 14 Miss Selfridge jeans and convincing myself they fit.

I understand more now, though. It’s natural to want to feel proud of your children. Mine have so many opportunities it’s hard not to want them to make the most of it but ultimately I have to remind myself they are mine and that has to be enough.

Am I the only one who had parents tell them they were a massive dissapointment? 🤣

My dad still just sighs a lot at me!

My DC will never have the same effect on me because I spent far more time with them finding out what they actually enjoyed, rather than having hidden/unspoken expectations that are only divulged once you "fail". It annoys me that my pqrents seemed to want me to shine to make them look good, which is not the plan for my DC.