AIBU to wonder if parents ever feel disappointed in their children but hate admitting it?

[Hassleback]

I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations vs reality. We all imagine what our children might be like as they grow up, but life doesn’t always match the picture in our heads.
Do other parents ever feel a sense of disappointment — not in a cruel way, just a quiet, uncomfortable feeling you don’t want to say out loud? And if so, how do you deal with it without letting it affect your relationship with your child?

I'm Gen X. If our parents weren't disappointed with us we weren't living our lives properly I reckon. I've been a head-shaking underachieving disappointment most of my life...but as I was grinning through most of it it was never an issue for me 😁

Now I'm the one who is the easygoing support and the right hand that's always turned too...the realisation that comes with patience!

I've got an ADHD high achiever and an autistic underachiever. Disappointed? Nah. Never crossed my mind to be anything other than appreciative of both and forgive them anything. They'll both get wherever they're going sometime...as Iong as they keep coming here too I'm happy.

All these people who committ henious crimes that we hear about. They've all got parents obviously they didn't give a monkeys about how their parents would feel?

I would be proud if they were happy , and making others happy. For me it’s not what they do with their own life that really counts, it’s the impact they have on others. First - do no harm!

Being happy is an achievement. Surely that’s the goal- to ensure your children grow up happy?

Totally agree.

How old are your DC @Drra? My eldest is 21 now. I did lots of encouraging / helping / making my views known when they were younger, but now they're an adult it's kind of up to them.

Bound to I suppose. Because some children grow up inexplicably unpleasant, lazy, entitled etc and that must be incredibly difficult when a parent has done their best to raise them well.
I feel very sorry for some parents who post on here who are treated very badly or have to watch their children destroy their lives and those of others.
Others bring the disappointment on themselves of course, with inflexible sets of expectations that reflect their own values and hopes and don't take account of their child's abilities and personalities.

My dad made it very clear throughout our childhood that he was very disappointed we were not sporty, outgoing kids. (He was not himself, particularly sporty or outgoing, and we didnt have any particular sporting ability) We were creative kids who loved to read and create art, and he didnt understand any of that and therefore he didnt understand why we weren't doing the things he did understand. He didnt understand that as we were both shy, the bullying under the guise of 'just teasing' 'its a joke' 'im just trying to have a joke with my kids' in public was embarassing to us, he openly said how disappointed (didnt use that exact word) he was that we 'couldnt take a joke' and to this day will make comments about how we 'cant take a joke'. This is, to a hilarious degree, at great odds to EVERYONE else's perception of me and my siblings as 'funny' is normally the first word used to describe all of us...
We now have jobs that are a direct result of us being creative kids who loved to read and he will tell anyone who will listen how proud he is of us. (He understands the concept of these jobs but would struggle to tell you anything else about our lives as he doesnt ask) He would be genuinely shocked and devastated if we told him he behaved our entire childhood like he was disappointed in us. He has absolutely no idea how much he ground down our self esteem.

I'm incredibly proud of them both and how they face the challenges they have, but disappointed that they may not reach their full potential as a result of their neurodivergence and inadequate support in an educational environment. Both are bright and capable, and wonderful young people to be around, and that is the most important thing to me. But I am not sure what the future holds for them (one is autistic with significant anxiety, one has adhd). I'm hoping we've done enough as parents to ensure they know they're cherished and that the world is their oyster, providing they are armed with the right strategies to realise their ambitions.

In the vast majority of those cases, I would question the environment in which they were raised that produced the kind of people that were capable of committing heinous crimes.

So your saying it's the parents fault?

Well I know mine see me as a disappointment and it’s a shame because I’ve always done the “right” things. What they wanted or expected.

my DS on the other hand…

I'm pretty much the same thing. No need for a bitlg corporate career but to be bone idle and not get off their arses to do stuff would be very disappointing.

Especially when you've worked yourself to the bone to give them the opportunities

My mom is disappointed in me not having children / being married. Although maybe disappointed FOR me as opposed to in me.

She has told me as much.

This sounds rather classist. If your child earns little but enough to afford the life they want and is happy - why would you be disappointed?

Yes absolutely to the unspoken expectations and seething, unspoken disappointment (although your parents actually said it out loud - how kind of them to share!). I often think my parents had a silent expectation of their offspring and instead of actually encouraging us, or guiding us, or instilling enthusiasm in us- they silently judged and felt disappointed (some silences are very loud!)

Don’t be wondering why they may decide they don’t want to see you down the line then or cut you off.

Whatever disappointment my mum had in me, it was nothing compared to the disappointment I had in her!

my kids do things that annoy but im
not disappointed in them!

Because being happy and contented is a rare quality that idiots don't even recognise as an achievement.

I'm also Gen X. I'm sorry you had rotten parents who were disappointed with you.

Mine weren't. It wasn't compulsory.

Our family is the opposite. Whatever we do they twist into being absolutely amazing. Both sets of grandparents were like this too. Is very sweet and makes for secure confident kids.

If I had robbed a bank my parents and grandparents would have
found a positive spin on it. There was no concept of anyone being disappointed in anyone.

They were and are marvellous parents! They put up with everything gracefully! I confuse and bewilder most people I meet and somehow bumbled through life quite successfully as it's turned out in the end, in spite of my efforts 😁 they never loved me any less for any of it and always supported me, it's totally on me!

Yes, I think some disappointment can be natural.

Although I don’t remember my parents saying it, I can remember hearing the phrase “we just want you to be happy” a lot. I’m guessing I heard it from tv and film parents and maybe friends parents. I can always remember rolling my eyes a bit and thinking it’s “just one of those things that people say”.

Now that I have my own kids, I realise it’s true.

I don’t care if they are rubbish at football or bad at maths.

But I’d be sad and disappointed if they weren’t happy and content and good natured.

They’ve had a good start in life and luckily (touch wood) so far they are happy and content and kind. I hope it continues.

My parents are disappointed as I didn't live the life they'd have chosen for me - was supposed to have big career and no family never mind what I wanted.

Think IL are about DH choice of wife and fact we are still together - they've soften on the kids and when we had them. It's made clear in comments and behavior but if ask outright they'd deny - though to siblings and others they will be very clear as they are about others with us.

Rarely disppointed with DC but this summer was with younger two - and both round exams lack of effort not being clear there were issues and having expectations on us we'd pull rabbit of of hat for them when worst happened.

It's disspointment tinge with frustration and worry for them - they are back on track and have plans B and C in back pocket if needed we can present but they are getting to age where it's on them - eldest one despite our warnings left a free offer on and then forgot to cancel expensive subscription - they've learnt the hard expensive way and that may be what needs to happen in small and big ways now.

So many people have this dream of what having kids into adulthood will be like and it is never like that - mostly because they forget their children are human beings and may think differently. They try and plan out their children’s lives and then of course they are disappointed. I think a lot of parents also try and live through their children and can be quite pushy. In saying that, I think if my child was more capable than they thought they were and just gave up constantly into adulthood, I probably would be a little disappointed… but more for them rather than me.