AIBU to wonder if parents ever feel disappointed in their children but hate admitting it?

[Hassleback]

I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations vs reality. We all imagine what our children might be like as they grow up, but life doesn’t always match the picture in our heads.
Do other parents ever feel a sense of disappointment — not in a cruel way, just a quiet, uncomfortable feeling you don’t want to say out loud? And if so, how do you deal with it without letting it affect your relationship with your child?

At least you are aware of what is happening, and hopefully able to do something about it, so as not to damage your children. Work on your self esteem in other ways, and not through the achievements, whatever they may be, of your children.

I saw a cousin be disappointed in a DD since she was a child. As adults their relationship is now limited.

My cousin had her first child as a teen (but her DD a decade later) obviously as a teen mum my cousin's life changed significantly and she wanted her DD to have other opportunities. My cousin's mum also had quite limited ambition for her kids and was quite negative about anything experiential.

My cousin wanted her DD to do ballet, go horse riding and other things that my cousin didn't have the opportunity to do. Her DD had no interest in those things and my cousin would voice her disappointment openly rather than explore the things her DD was interested in. My cousin wanted her DD to learn to play an instrument - fine, resulting in my cousin buying a piano for their tiny property. Her DD didn't find it particularly easy although kept going at it for several years. My cousin would voice her disappointment that her DD had failed to take the opportunity to learn an instrument. My cousin was what I would find quite overbearing with her DD. We could be in a restaurant and her DD would choose a chicken dish for example. Cousin would say no, I think you should have fish. Child would say no thanks i'd like chicken please and when ordering, my cousin would change the order to fish. This wasn't a one off but every time. If the DD wanted water to drink cousin would say no, get orange juice. If the DD wanted orange juice my cousin would say no, get water.

My cousin never said well done to her DD for anything. When her DD had a baby, my cousin would, and still does, criticise her DDs parenting to everyone.

My cousin was complaining to me the other week that her and her DD are not close and don't have a typical mother/daughter relationship. I explained how the DD is probably feeling and my cousin dismissed it as usual.

I was a disappointment in adult life because I didn't conform to my mother's lower middle-class stereotypes - primarily, because I'm childfree.
But that's OK - we're not all the same, and I just chose to have nothing to do with her. Liberating!

I'd agree with a PP that I'm disappointed FOR my kids sometimes. Disappointed that ds, 16 doesn't seem to be able to make friends at all, and I worry for his future. Disappointed that all 3 of my kids didn't enjoy and excel at secondary school like they did in primary school. Based on how they were when they were little it seemed likely they would get top grades at GCSE/A-levels and have loads of nice friends which didn't always end up being the case.

I think my parents arent necessarily disappointed in me but struggle to connect with my life. They are lovely people but are underwhelmed, and I think a bit befuddled with the life ive chosen. They try but struggle to not get that their idea of success, "doing well" isnt the same as mine.

Best summed up by a recent card where they said. "DS is doing well, just made head teacher and is happily married living in (nice area) with two children. Despositor is also happy, carving out her own path"

Other people would feel I was quite successful but it depends on your criteria of success

My parents have a white picket fence life, are surrounded by people with that life. That's what they know, and I think envisaged for us

My sister has a traditional career where they can understand the steps in it. They understand how important each promotion is, helped by the rise in money. Think university- teacher- head of year- deputy-head

My career is varied. Im very successful for the industry im in but the markers for that are less clear. They got very excited sometimes for example when im in the local paper because that is something they see to be a big deal (but isnt to me!) but dont always celebrate what I would feel are the big steps for me because they cant recognise them. Eg being featured in an odd European blog is more impressive than the local ad trader.

My wife has a career where she has a really difficult to get job, that she worked hard for and is considered impressive in her field. However its bad pay, bad conditions, manual labour heavy etc because its for a charity. They sort of dont understand why you would chose manual labour.

There are elements of safety that they feel ive rejected. Eg I lived for a while on a canal boat. They were intensely proud that they worked very hard to buy them selves a respectable semi detached house. A house represented stability, a place to raise a family, security etc as well as likely class. My mum remembers not being able to have friends round when she was young, damp etc. Its easy to understand that my sister has a nice house in a nice part of town etc, they arent sure what a higgledy canal boat.

My parents worked hard to get the family into financial stability, with stable housing, the middle class trappings etc. They dont understand why we would chose to have freedom over security and I think feel like we live too close to the edge

My sister has a nice life, with financial stability, and has ticked off a lot of tick boxes. Her route was similar to theres so there is a natural connections

They understand that I am happy though.

My mum has told me she's disappointed in me, mostly because her idea of success doesn't align with what I value in life (and the lack of grandchildren!). However, she also brought me up to not place too much value on the opinions of others so it doesn't bother me 🤣

I think that when you see that early potential and they almost seem like blank slates it’s hard not to think something went wrong.

I feel this with my eldest dc sometimes. He's 18 and started Uni this year (finance). He's an amazing person, funny, kind, etc. Never brought a days trouble to our door. From an outside perspective, doing very well.

But Lord I could shake him at times, as could dh. He's had so many advantages in life that dh and I could only have dreamed of and he just doesn't make the most of them.

He has a phenomenal mind, is extremely intelligent and has the ability to sail through academics with just a touch of work, far less than most people would need to do tbh...but the last 4 years of GCSE's/A Levels have felt like an absolute slog (for us). Won't make an effort to revise and therefore always performing at a grade or two under expectations (which meant he still came out with mainly A's and a few B's in GCSE which was hard to argue with!). Came out of A Levels with B's and C's instead of his predicted A*'s, after zero revision in two years (and I do mean zero. Nothing, ever).

Scraped into our local Uni under clearing, totally unbothered by that and is so laid back about everything he's almost horizontal. His entire attitude to life is 'why get an A when a C will suffice?'.

Bah. First World problems. But I do find it internally disappointing that he has the mental ability to be top at pretty much anything but lacks any internal drive to get there. It's the absolute opposite of dh's and my attitude so it's hard to understand.

Me too.
I am disappointed & feel dreadfully guilty that due to ND & MH issues my teens are struggling with day to day life. I worry for their future.

Why do children have to fulfill whatever potential parents have for them?

Children are individuals and should habe to pigeon-holed just because parents think they should be

They can be a genius doeant mean they have to do something about it, same as being a brilliant musician or whatever

And a telent is not wasted just because a child doesnt use it

I know what you mean but everyone does this to an extent - it’s part of youth.

I absolutely wasted my years at uni. I got an ok degree but if I’d worked hard I probably could have got a first. But I was basically still a child (arrived 6 weeks after my 18th birthday), so I behaved like a child.

I try to remember that my children are just living their lives and I can’t expect them to make decisions with the maturity that I hold at 44 years and mistakes have to be part of their journey just like they were part of mine.

we are currenly in the same position. I have never been as stressed. We are awaiting anxiety medication and just pray it helps. Its like back to having a toddler again, as hes not sleeping, won't stay on his own etc

One of my dc has autism and adhd

she had a frankly fucking horrific teenager hood with anxiety, dropping out of school, depression, self harm, suicidal, you name it.

she’s a moderately functional adult now, somewhat to my surprise.

the teen years were fucking brutal though

I had to think about whether I can relate to this as my son is disabled so everything has taken huge amounts of effort.
I sometimes feel despondent at how difficult ordinary things are for him and I often think he does himself no favours with his lifestyle choices, but then something happens to cause his disability to smack me in the mouth as it were and I remind myself he’s achieved incredible things considering how much effort just being actually takes.

I think if I had a non disabled child who was squandering opportunities I’d have to work hard to repress disappointment and, if, for example, they expressed and demonstrated racist, sexist or homophobic attitudes that would hugely disappoint me.
I don’t care about careers or material stuff but I’d truly hate to have raised someone like that.

God yeah. DS1 has tested us beyond limits, squandered many opportunities and has ruined his life and any relationship he might have had with siblings. The others have disappointed us in minor ways, but we knew they were part of growing up and becoming adults.

He’s partly the way he is as your parents don’t and haven’t challenged him. So they played their part in it

Oh I tell ours when I/we are disappointed (probably more exasperated really). So don’t mind admitting it.

It’s not about who they are as people (that’s fine they’re great) or their actions, or friends, or hopes and dreams (their hopes and dreams not ours).

It boils down to two things, laziness (self-motivation) and learning from their own previous mistakes.

So disappointed sometimes fleetingly yes, hidden no.

But you have to have balance in life and some things they have overcome or had to deal with have shown how calm, strong, loving and determined they can be.

We are not disappointed in them at all if that’s what the original question was asking. Far from it.

I think my parents are probably a little bit disappointed in me (but would never admit it to me) as I was incredibly academic and a high achiever as a child and young adult. But I 'burnt out' in my early thirties and haven't achieved much in my career since then. The only thing I've done reasonably well since then is parent my young two children, who (I think) are happy and well-adjusted. Personally, that's quite a big achievement to me, but it's not one that will ever achieve public recognition, plaudits or great wealth.

I'm also a little bit disappointed in them (but would also never admit it to them) that they didn't recognise that I needed help as an incredibly anxious, stressed, socially awkward child who suffered throughout childhood with undiagnosed ADHD. Instead, I was expected to cope and 'achieve' alone since their lives were already stressful enough and they didn't have much in the way of extra time or material resources to give to their children. I was encouraged to go into a high stress career which in retrospect was entirely wrong for me because it was well-paid and well-regarded.

Compassion all round is what is needed. My children are not show ponies put on this earth so that I can shine in their reflected glory, if there is any. They are not here to make up for the inadequacies in the way I've lived my own life. I owe it to them as their parent to acknowledge them as individuals with free will and self-determination. That said, I would be disappointed if they were unpleasant or unkind or made the world a worse place for being in it.

We all have expectations of what the future will look like, and it's natural to feel a bit disappointed in the situation rather than the child when those hopes aren't realised.

I'm disappointed my DS2 didn't pass his 11+ recently. I wasn't expecting great scores but he was absolutely capable of a pass mark. It's up to me to adjust my rose tinted specs and accept he isn't academic because while bright as a button he doesn't love learning or enjoy the challenge, which I did.

I guess my disappointment is as much about my unrealistic expectations as him not putting in the effort.

I'd be very disappointed - nay, horrified - if my boys became abusive men, or misogynists.

My mum has always been disappointed in me. I always knew it but now she has dementia and doesn’t always know I’m her daughter so she’ll actually tell me it ‘wasn’t worth it,’ and she wouldn’t ’bother If she had her time over.’ Also told me it’s a shame her little girl wasn’t even pretty.

so yeah… she’s disappointed. I mean I’ve not set the world alight but I’ve not murdered anyone either and ironically she also always disapproved of me working once had the kids. So can’t really win!

Only in the sense that I feel that I’ve failed them as a parent

I think it depends on the disappointment. I’m disappointed for my DD2 that her health means her dream career couldn’t happen. I hate that she has limitations that others in their mid/late twenties don’t have because she has to consider her narcolepsy in things.

Disappointed in them would be so difficult. My exes mum is incredibly disappointed in him. He has 7 children by 3 women and sees none of them. His Mum has a wonderful relationship with my girls (his eldest kids) as she came to me and basically begged me to allow her time with them when her son was being a dick. Whenever he comes up in conversation you can see the pain in her. He had so many opportunities in life and the only things he is good at is abandoning his kids and playing the victim.

There is hope @TreeDudette I felt the same way for a long time but it's amazing what difference a decade of maturing and self understanding can make to our young adults. The hormones of teenage years don't help either, anything ADHD is magnified tenfold.

I came on to write the exact same words!

For me, it was having a career and getting divorced. They had no issue with telling me how sad they were that I wasn’t just skinny and pretty. It’s damaging and I would never want my children to feel like that. I’ve been very careful to make sure my words have never even made them consider I was disappointed (because I’m not, but I’m very sensitive that things can be taken the wrong way).

There are a few things that I would voice - drugs, crime etc obviously. But partner, career or lifestyle choices - I love them unconditionally. If they’re happy, I’m happy.

I imagine so many parents of ND teens feel that way. It's quite the situation and provisions are nowhere near adequate. I hope you have some support.