No one seems to have much of a personality these days?

[Signingwithafelttippen]

Including myself in this too probably!

Has anyone noticed this? Maybe it's an age thing?
When my Dc was younger, I remember the kids parties having a bit of an atmosphere about them, all us parents were knackered, but we generally tried to have a laugh, chatted, made conversation and were interested in one another (or at least pretended to be)
Mid -late 40's now, party today and a couple of weeks ago, just so flat, people barely speaking.
I visit my family, with Dsis and Dbro there, we all chat but having a laugh seems more of a thing of the past?
Everything seems so dull, are we all just collectively depressed or is it just the people around me?
I miss people with a bit of life about them, an interesting story to tell or a bit of wit

Is it just me?

You do realise that the people you're judging will also be judging you as a 'performative parent'? You may not care, and nor should you, but the reciprocal judgement that will be going on when exhausted taking 5 minutes parent meets Tigger mum is a great illustration of why people hold back and go for bland.
If we're going to be constantly watching each others parenting instead of minding our business and focusing on what we're doing, then we're basically living on a stage, and acting the part we feel will attract the least judgement. Which is not conducive to authentic displays of personality.

Phones, technology and social media have got to be a big part of it. People connect in different ways and maybe that is enough for a lot of people. I have young adult dc and they don’t socialise by going out or drinking or clubbing like I did. It’s a completely different lifestyle.

I haven’t personally experienced anything like op describes but the thread has made me think about how things have changed. I am retired now so obviously not working or socialising with colleagues and not doing kids’ parties or the school run and I don’t do many evenings out any more but I do meet up with friends I have known for a long time and we are the same as ever.

How do your children socialise these days, is it all just online?

Thank you for the feedback everyone, I find the responses very interesting
I wonder if we will ever get back to the place we were at before

Okay, I’m going to say something controversial, but I have three theories about this -

1. SM and Phones - This one probably applies more to the younger generation, or at least that’s what I’ve noticed from my own experience with my cousins. They’re aged between 15 and 26, and we were away together this weekend. They did.not.get.off.their.phones. I mean, at all. Just sat staring at them. They must have spent around nine hours a day on them, and this was a weekend away! It doesn’t help that two of them don’t work because of anxiety, so they don’t really have much going on in their lives to talk about. You ask what they’ve been up to and the answer is ‘ nothing’. And that’s literally the conversation. There’s no real discussion, no stories, no experiences to share. It’s just all a bit boring, if I’m honest.
2. Becoming a parent?! - Is it parenthood?! The number of genuinely boring people I’ve met since my DD started school has been unbelievable. People whose entire personality seems to revolve around being a parent. There’s nothing else to them; no interests, no hobbies, no personality outside of their children. And I’m not generalising, because plenty of my friends, myself included, have children and still have a personality outside of being a mum! 😂 But it does make me wonder whether these people were always like that or whether the responsibilities of parenthood have somehow swallowed up everything else.
3. On a slightly different note, I genuinely wonder whether children who have a strong personality are too quickly labelled or diagnosed with something these days. I’m absolutely not saying that diagnoses aren’t necessary or that these conditions don’t exist, but when I was younger, you had all sorts of children. The outgoing ones, the shy ones, the disruptive ones, the ones who hated school and refused to listen. They were all different, and they have all grown up to be perfectly well-adjusted adults without ever needing a diagnosis.

I just wonder whether we’ve become so conditioned to look for an explanation for every difference in behaviour that we’ve lost sight of the fact that people are allowed to have different personalities.

This makes me sad to read. Ive done ok at remaining who I was- infact im less censored than I ever was. I am so shattered with mine ive kind of lost my filter. Im kind of fueled by chaos, I genuinely try but admit defeat because lets face it, anything i achieve the kids undo! So by the time im around others im genuinely like, well thats not ideal, but its how it is.

Maybe it will be beaten out of me when the kids start school...

I do recognise a lot of people are just trying to be "good enough" and appear like theyre managing with little interest in anything else. I just assumed they kept their energy for their friendships.

My child does still socialise face to face and she understands the importance of meeting people. But she is quite happy to go several days not seeing friends (but chatting to them online).

Gen A seems to have less of a sense of FOMO than I did as a teenager: when I was younger we all had this huge sense of the importance of having to be at EVERY party or we would miss out on some life changing social interaction. So for example if you went on holiday and missed a party there was this huge drama about what you might have “missed” (usually a couple of kids snogging).

They seem much more nonchalant and self contained these days and more comfortable with not being part of the tribe all the time and having to do everything together.

I think there’s much to lament about our reliance on social media for our interactions and I do think face to face contact is very important. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing for kids to have less of a herd mentality and for them to be able to function without the tribe. My kid has a particular hobby which none of her friends are interested in and she finds an outlet for this online.

Different social communities offer different things to kids now which they can’t always get from their main friendship group. For kids who are a bit different or have unusual interests this allows them a richness of experience which wasn’t there when everyone had to be neatly segmented into their tribes.

Wow, this is so interesting. I have wondered lately if real life has become more of a’dressing room’, where people sit silently rehearsing their lines, feeling a bit tense, applying heavy make up that looks strange out of the spotlight, before stepping out onto the stage. The stage being social media, and cameras.
I don’t have social media, and I wonder if I’m missing out these days on the fun bits of life. Also, does not having an online identity makes me seem like a loser? Perhaps some of the mums from OP’s kids party circuit are friends online and won’t talk to people outside of that circuit?
Something else though- I’m definitely more guarded after a few years of mumsnet. I used to respond to people’s anecdotes by trying to come up with something similar, but that is not seen as relating now, it’s seen as making it all about you, or elevenereefing. I think? Basically I don’t really know anymore how we’re supposed to talk to people…

Yanbu this is true.

I find people are very low-key and conflict-avoidant, possibly because they fear they'll be reported for saying anything remotely controversial, or told off for offending an individual or group.

Humour is basically dead. Eg the friendly regional rivalries eg "F off you Welsh git" that used to break the ice and start conversations are no longer a thing.

Went to see John Cleese on tour the other week and he said similar. To an audience of 40 and 50 somethings who did laugh, but for some reason kept getting up repeatedly and walking out to use their phones throughout the entire performance. Most people, even older people, are just really disappointing and not worth bothering with compared to 20 years ago

As well as homogenesis, there is also a big fear of being cancelled or piled on for any kind of opinion about anything. You can now be filmed anywhere anytime expressing a view about anything that gets up loaded so most people driven by low level constant fear don't (*excluding the idiot Andrew Tate types who are trying to make money out of controversy.)

Older generations are more conscious of it because it's a change they are aware of.

Younger generations who have grown up with social media and the internet since birth have it baked into them with their standardised snowflakeness so they aren't even aware of their fears.

Yes, and for that, I also blame how pervasive social media has become. Everyone is so used to acting like they're being watched and that their silliest move could end up going viral, this has turned everyone into glorified bots. Depressing really. I say plug the whole thing off! (And yes, that would mean no more venting on MN)

Years ago I remember reading an interesting view that girls in particular tend to lose something of their individuality. Once older teenagers they tend to all be interested in the much the same things in whatever their social circle is. They drop hobbies and interests and focus on how they look, fashion and music.
Boys on the other hand don’t . Their individuality as teenagers morphs into hobbies and interests.
How true this is I am not sure. But there is a grain in it I think.

I do remember noting at work years ago when I started there were real personalities there. Characters.
By the time I left no, there were not any as in my earlier days. That is very true.

Ha! I hadn't read your post - but I echo most of it.

I think women are under a lot more pressure generally nowadays too. And men still aren’t stepping up as much as they should.

There’s pressure to be the perfect mother who facilitates a broad and rigorous education for their child, stimulating extra-curricular activities, perfect home cooked nutrition and a declutterred, pristine home all while being perfectly attuned and sensitive to their child’s every emotion while parenting for longer than ever before.

All of the above is meant to be achieved somehow while dedicating yourself to a career as if you weren’t a parent and while exercising for an hour daily and being a loving wife and nurturing friend.

Societal expectations on women are ludicrous! Who has the bandwidth for hobbies or interesting conversation when carrying virtually the full mental and physical load?

I suspect the lack of hobbies and interests starts well before having children and a marriage.

I think a lot of people are very worried and quite depressed about the state of the world. But we still need to laugh and have fun together.

That’s why I think the 50’s onwards can be a good time for women, demands from DC lessen, I know elderly parents care is hard (been there done that) but overall I think there’s more time and often money for fun stuff.

I really haven’t had noticed people getting boring though, I do put myself out there so to speak and I think you do get back more that way.

The other day I was in the changing room at my gym and me and a lady who was about 75 were both putting on our tights at the same time. We struck up a conversation which turned into us both crying with laughter about how difficult tights are and how annoying when they go on wrong. I don’t suppose I’ll ever see her again as she was staying at the hotel for a night but I imagine we both had a little spring in our step that day after such a laugh.

You haven't seen me. Nearly 80 and colourful clothing. No dreary black and beige for me.

In response to how my young adult dc socialise, it is mostly online. They don’t go out drinking (no one in their group drinks alcohol,) they don’t go to pubs, they don’t go late night clubbing. They do like to go out for meals and spend a lot of money on food and trying the latest restaurants. They also like big events and concerts and go to London and big cities for that. They are more into experiences than ‘hanging out’ as such.

They are definitely politically aware and I am not allowed to comment on certain things as I will get a lecture.

I’m not sure there is anything there that relates to your point about people not having personalities except that much of what young/er people do is online and socially and culturally times have changed and that must affect everyone to an extent.

I know someone who recently went on holiday with a group of people in their 60s and 70s who spent most of the time on their phones obsessed with TikTok and Instagram.

God I really hate that - you're/it's so funny in a flat monotone voice. It used to be something you heard on US reality TV but I'm increasingly hearing it out and about. It's so rude and dismissive. I always feel like saying if it's funny why aren't you laughing?!

The thing is in the school playground parents are all on their phones, where as before people would be forced to engage in small talk and get to know each other. I noticed the school Mums that have formed close relationships tend to be the mocking and sneering type. The friendships are not based on positivity. Also unless you have the same robotic and monochrome personality as everyone else it is extremely difficult because people are too afraid of saying the wrong thing. I tend to get on well with people from different cultural backgrounds as they don't seem as tightly bound to the same rules as say native Brits.

I’ve noticed with my kids there is less just knocking on each others doors and going out to play than when I grew up. Kids seem to be spaced further apart - I live in a small city but no other kids the same age on our road. My son has a friend 5 mins walk away who he goes round to visit but my daughter has to walk about 10/15 mins to her nearest friends. And often kids have several after school activities a week so aren’t free after school anyway. It kills spontaneity and makes it harder to just hang out. Same for adults too I think, you can’t pop round and visit people easily without arranging it first. That has a knock on effect on building up friendships and talking skills.

Its a very American thing this. I work for an American company and theres a huge amount of this performative happiness in their culture. “That’s hilarious,” said with a totally straight face. It is clearly not “hilarious” if your facial muscles haven’t budged. “So great to connect with you,” said to someone you will never meet who you are about to sue for a bad debt.

Its part and parcel of a wider corporate culture which values “positivity” above all else and often at the expense of common sense and sanity. You’re expected to be “positive” when facing absurd odds or being asked to do something brutally unfair or unrealistic.

There is a good element to this. I like the fact that Americans have a no nonsense “get it done” mentality and don’t wallow in negativity and whinge about everything, compared to Brits who are professional whingers (I am British if relevant).

But the flip side to it is massive denial of reality and it becomes taboo to admit you are struggling with things or that you question the wisdom of leaders.

The line between helpful positivity and toxic positivity is quite thin.

That’s definitely true. The “playing out” culture has really declined.

But this is part of the problem, we all at various points, some more than others, face difficult times.

To have to consider what others might be going through all the time, with everyone you meet, just in case, paralyses social interaction.

You could say can people not slap a happy face on from time to time when out if someone engages in conversation which obviously doesn’t mean to be offensive or dismissive? You never know a bit if chat about Celebrity Traitors or a DIY calamity might just take you out of your own spiral for 10 minutes.

It almost feels like people who aren’t always having a terrible time aren’t allowed to open their mouths for fear of upsetting someone through idle chatter.

I have loads of time and energy for others if they want to offload, but if they start off by tutting when you open a conversation about something that is completely irrelevant you do think “ok I’ll move on”.

We started a chat about trying to keep fair skinned teenagers from getting sunburnt, which moved onto “my most memorable sunburn stories” which progressed into “oh you went to the Caribbean” and entertaining holiday stories, nice people want to make others laugh. They get a buzz from it.

People are losing interactions which develop social intelligence, having to contemplate every possible hardship before talking is impossible. You can tell with body language, spoken word, faces, people’s intent.

I agree with you about the over-sensitivity people have. People are very over-cautious at risk of offending or upsetting people and it becomes counterproductive and deadening.

But this particular poster was just being smug and self-centred. "Look at me! I'm in my 40s and still running around a field with my kids!" Yay!"