I have a first date in a few hours, now he’s texted me something that’s put me off

[Jtfrtj]

I have a first date tonight with a man I’ve never met, we started talking online. He knows I’m very into cooking/baking, and just now while texting him I told him I made some protein pancakes. He asked if he could have some, I joked back that I would make him some, and because they’re protein pancakes they will make him strong. He replied “Strong so I can lift you in bed yeah 😏?”. I’ve never even met this man before. Now I feel that expectation and pressure for sex is there now and feel less excited about meeting him. It also feels very presumptuous of him, like he thinks because I’ve agreed to a date I’m up for sexual activity. I’ve not texted back yet because I’m not sure I want to go now.

For context; I have never made any sexual remarks towards him before or him to me, we have been talking for almost two weeks. I am conventionally attractive but I am not provocative in how I dress or how I present myself online. Most of my photos online are of my travel pictures, scenery and food etc. I don’t think I do anything to invite these remarks or give off the impression that I’d be into that so prematurely, but for some reason men will always try and initiate a conversation about sex before the first date. I’m getting tired of it. Am I overreacting?

Of course we do (not so much discos 😅). I was in a relationship for 7 years prior to this, met him the normal way. And partner before that, through friends of friends. First time I’ve tried this OLD in my life and I think it’ll be the last to be honest.

It wasn’t one comment. It was also how he responded to it.

Exactly. I’ve already said his response was the deciding factor, it was patronising and gave insight to his character in general. I don’t know why people don’t look at the bigger picture and grasp that.

Q- Why did he make that remark just before the date?
A- it's a test to see how easy to manipulate you are. He doesn't want to have to waste time and effort being nice to you in order to get what he wants. As soon as he realises you're not going to be obedient he is no longer interested.

Completely agree with you, he’s not 15-it’s an absolutely stupid thing to say. Block and move on.

You dodged a bullet. The sexual innuendos are boring let alone showing his intentions and then to block you… yawn.

Very depressing to read how many women on here would wave this sort of behaviour through because 'obviously going on a date with a man means he will expect sex'.

Dates are for finding out if you like and trust someone enough to have sex with them. They are not just a ritual you have to go through to get to the sex part.

Fucking hell, raise the bar, please.

I've only read your replies OP.

I've only made pancakes as a breakfast item, so you offering to make them for him, to me, indicated you'd be sleeping over! And to make him strong! 😬

I read it as YOU started the weird sexual/pancake inuendo, not him.

Some men can't tell the difference. They think that any and every interaction with women is 'flirting' and may lead to sex. It's pathetic.

It's absolutely ok for OP to decide something isn't a joke and banter the very second she feels that it's not.
There is no reason why anyone (male or female) should have to continue with something they don't want to continue with.

A decent man would apologise, even if he read it wrong. It turned out to be an excellent way to weed out a not-decent man very quickly.

You might be happy with a sexual conversation with someone you never met but it's equally ok for someone not to happy with that.

I've only made pancakes as a breakfast item, so you offering to make them for him, to me, indicated you'd be sleeping over!

Not traditional pancakes, but protein pancakes. Made with supplement protein powder. Are you an athlete? Do you train? I was making them mid-afternoon when texting him so obviously not everyone eats them in the same setting and time of day. Context is everything and you clearly not taking that into consideration.

Exactly. Some men sense a minor sign of interest and think we’re up for sex. They have the social awareness of animals.

No, I told you how I interpreted it. If he is an athlete, then he might understand the nuance of making pancakes at other times of the day. The 'to make you strong' is still a weird comment though.

I really don't understand agreeing to go on a date with someone and then getting offended by mild sexual innuendo. The point of going on a date with someone is because you're sexually attracted to them.

I don't think that comment is especially noteworthy. I would be put off if a man I wasn't attracted to said it, but if I actually wanted to sleep with him then it would be fine. Presumably if I'm going on a date with him then I at least find him non-repulsive?!

I swear only on MN is the concept of sexual attraction synonymous with "personal insult".

If he is an athlete, then he might understand the nuance of making pancakes at other times of the day

Well there you go then, you made the point for me. This isn’t about you, I never sarcastically texted you offering some protein pancakes did I ?

The 'to make you strong' is still a weird comment though.

Ever heard of irony? The man doesn’t need pancakes to make him strong, it was the tongue in cheek remark. Nevermind, continue looking at things from your own narrow viewpoint.

Read through most of this and good on you. Some people may not have been bothered but clearly it made you uncomfortable and good on you for sticking by that. Why should you feel you’ve got to go through with a date you’re uncomfortable with? Sounds like you made a good call and most importantly the right call for you

I swear only on MN is the concept of sexual attraction synonymous with "personal insult".

Don’t put words in my mouth, I never said it was a “personal insult” so don’t use quotation marks. And if you’d bothered to read I said his “calm down” remark back to me was the deciding factor. I’d have met him if he wasn’t so patronising.

Some people like to see the whites of a bloke’s eyes before they know whether they’re sexually attracted to someone and might sleep with them down the line.

It seems like people have forgotten he art of flirting without going straight to sex. You did nothing wrong and I can’t believe people are saying things like this. Mental.

Im glad you put him in his place and told him to pound sand ❤️

FFS I can not get over the grief you have been given by many posters, presumably largely women.

@Jtfrtj - well done you!!! Absolutely NOTHING in your discussions about pancake that warranted his response. You were more than fair in giving him a chance to row back on it and apologise. But "calm down" - dear God the man is thick at very best.

Bloody good on you for setting your bar high! If more women did that we wouldn't have the endless sorry tales on here of women married to immature twats and cock lodgers. None of these men magically transformed into assholes. They showed their hands in minor ways that were then overlooked by women who have been trained to find "only joking" as a valid excuse for someone who is showing their true views.

She's never met this man, he's a stranger, she doesn't know if she's attracted to him or wants to sleep with. Why make sexual innuendo in a non sexual context? plus It comes out as desperate.

It's not a weird comment if he's into training though. Which he is.

Disagree, it's great to arrange a date and then message a bit in the meantime because a lot of men reveal exactly who they are and what they want in those messages, as this one did.

Good potential men also reveal themselves by not inserting sex into text conversations before meeting women, being a consistent communicator, taking a personal interest in you (so no 'hey babe'), and asking questions instead of just talking at you.

They don't have to communicate much, but early texting is great for finding out someone's mindset and knowing whether it's worth bothering going on the date. Why make a date, turn up to find he is hoping for a drinking/fun session, a night of passion and very little else?

Go on Burned Haystacks, the professor who analyses these rhetorical patterns is not wrong, every time I ignored them I regretted it (all 'missteps' and 'second chances' and 'giving the benefit of the doubt' don't work at all).

Put energy into finding good men with potential, not losers who tell you to calm down and 'it's only a joke' when they are inappropriate. A good man would be upset to think they upset you!

Ew

Well that's great if that's your thing, however, it isn't what the op wants.