How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

Obviously in an ideal world you’d tell them their attitude stinks.

If not possible, you could …
Invent a health problem (migraines?)
Invent a new hobby (netball?)
Actually take up a new hobby

… or just become less reliable. Make an excuse 3 times out of 4 so they have to find an alternative.

I’m sorry, this is an awful situation to be in. They are not being kind or fair or family like in any way at all.

But, kindly and gently, this is a little of your own making. You are doing as they want, every single time. For YEARS. I’m guessing from your answers, you have never raised it with them that you don’t like doing it.

So from their point of view, you are absolutely fine with the status quo. Why do they think that? Because they are CF’s, so will have very little insight into how the other party (you) feels. And you’ve never said a word about not wanting to do it. Therefore, they can easily convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong.

You have a choice. You have always had a choice. So exercise that choice.

1. you continue to keep them happy at your own expense, and so must stop complaining about it and continue to suck it up. Just remember that you are CHOOSING that option - with all its consequences and downsides.

2. you decide that 10 years is enough, pull up your big girl pants and put a stop to it. If you are only in your twenties, it is getting on for HALF YOUR LIFE spent serving someone else with no benefit to you at all. Get angry.

They are of course going to be angry at you. Anger will be their weapon of choice to control you, guilt you, and get you back in your box. It is bullying plain and simple.

Do not give in. Not this time, and not ever again. I’d send a text message first being incredibly clear. Do not apologise. Be factual. Let them then come to you once you have sent it; no follow up messages from you at all.

‘hi xxx, lovely to see the kids last night, hope you had a nice evening. After much thought, I’ve decided that I’m taking a step back from babysitting for you so often; much as I love you all, this has taken up a lot of my time over the last ten years and it’s time for me to prioritise my own life and future; I have Big Plans! I’m sure you understand, look forward to seeing you at (THE NEXT FUTURE EVENT WHERE YOU WILL SEE THEM NOT AS A BABYSITTER)'

Best of luck, this has to end. Stay strong.

You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated. It’s bullying. Are your parents around? I’m not suggesting they figh5 your battles because ultimately you’re an adult and need to be assertive with your siblings, but there’s power in numbers. Maybe if you get your dm onside who can also have a word, it could help. You sound like a people pleasure so I absolutely understand that it’s difficult to break the mould and assert yourself when that behaviour is embedded into your personality. Are they as equally accommodating when you need help? Can’t you start leaning on them too? Maybe ask if they can get some shopping in for you as you don’t have time when having to look after their kids.

This is really sad. Is the relationship you have with them ‘good’? It sounds like they just massively walk all over you and you do anything they want for fear of their disapproval

I would say if you don't feel like you can tell them straight then give yourself an excuse. Announce you are starting an open University course you are really excited about but will take a lot of work. You will have countless deadlines you need to prioritise, good luck.

Can you not stay over at least?

Tbh though I don't think you need to worry about upsetting them given how you say they treat you. Channel your inner Zammo! (Showing my age sorry)

Would you treat them how they treat you? I suspect the answer's no. Therefore, do not accept their behaviour towards you any longer. Seriously, just tell them no. They don't care about your safety or comfort. Look after yourself because they certainly won't.

I get not wanting to upset reasonable people but I would love a world where women didnt hide behind not being able to no

They are not reasonable so stop being a doormat

I think you need to take the risk of upsetting them. They deserve to know how undervaluing you in this way has affected you - and ultimately affected them.

This is brilliant.

But it's not a good relationship is it? It's all on their terms. They are very happy to take advantage of your good nature and clearly don't appreciate your kindness at all by reciprocating or trying to make you comfortable when you babysit for them. It sounds as if you have low self esteem and so are bullied by them. It would be worth considering getting some help with this so that you can tell them 'no' in future.

Spot on.

If your good relationship with them requires you to give so much of yourself then it’s too expensive.
A relationship is two-way. They don’t seem to be considering your time/ energy/ life/ finances or safety. What efforts are they going to to make sure the relationship with you is solid?
Match their energy.

If you truly can't stand up for yourself (which is absurd, frankly), then I'd suggest you seriously consider moving farther away.

OP, you need to do a bit of talking therapy, I think.

You are too much of a people pleaser and the only thing you’re getting back in return is being taken for granted even more.

Some talking therapy would help you figure out why you struggle to advocate for yourself and also teach you different ways of speaking up.

What do your parents think about this? Do they provide child care for your siblings as well?

What do they expect you to do while you're there? Do you have to feed the children or put them to bed?

To not provide food or put the heating on is terrible. You are obviously a much nicer person than they are. I think you will just have to keep saying you have plans until they get the message.

But they couldn’t care less about you, OP. They are using you and treating you like crap. I really don’t think they deserve the respect of you wanting a good relationship with them.

I know it’s hard when you’re not the confrontational type, but you deserve better than the way they are treating you.

Sorry @fernandesricksmyworld you don't have a good relationship with them at the moment, do you?
They treat you like crap, they aren't even grateful and they are exploiting you.
I don't think you can hold out the offer of doing it sometimes.. thats the thin end of the wedge which they will claw back.
They have to go cold turkey or they will continue to treat you as the Mrs Doyle of the family.

Think about this. Google what babysitters charge near you. Good ones are like gold dust. You could be getting paid quite large sums doing this for others. Most people leave an evening meal or snacks for the sitter, pay extra after midnight and are very grateful.
Think about how many hours you've sat in a freezing cold house with no food and no pay and driving through all weathers. A real babysitter wouldn't even have them as clients and would turn down the job!!
When they demand you sit for them you can't because your booked and you can't turn down £X an hour sitting for someone round the corner from you. That will shut them up!!! Then you can use your extra income to go out and have a good time, go on holiday, or add to your savings which is what you should be doing in your 20s!

Turn the heating on and make yourself something to eat.

My mother used to “volunteer” me to other people and put me on the spot. She would always tell me last minute so if I was busy it would “make her look bad.” Also for no pay or respect. The resentment was great.
I began by preparing a list of believable but boring excuses to get out if it if they ring short notice and ask “What are you doing tonight?” The absolute worst thing you can say to this is “Nothing, why?”

I had an assignment due tomorrow, an appointment at the GP, was staying at a friend’s place and minding their pets, was getting ready for work, had classes, hairdresser or dentist, etc. Get a job that has shifts. “Sorry. I’m working tonight/going to bed early so I can work at 4am.”
If pushed I had nausea & diarrhea. Probably a bug.

The thing that really helped here was removing myself entirely. I did all of these things.

In fact, get some shift work so you can prepare to leave.

Study in another city/country….. Go travelling…..Move into a share house elsewhere…. Get a job somewhere else…

I agree with quite a lot of this.. .but I don't think its a situation of @fernandesricksmyworld own making. Its a situation of her family's own making, that works to their advantage.
I'm betting that Fern has a big age gap with her siblings. When parents and older siblings all decide your role and you've grown up that way.. you think its normal, until you start realising like Fern is that its becoming more and more of an imposition. You are told that family is everything and don't you love your Nephs and Ncs? We know everything that goes on in your life and we know you're not busy etc. And of course you don't work for nothing, you work for love, so they don't need to pay you because... family.. And if you don't comply, they will get angry put you on the edge of the family circle and that can be a really lonely place to be.
So I don't think it's of her own making.. but she does have the power to change things and stand up to them. It will be really hard but they have pushed her into it.

You don't have a good relationship with them, you never had and you never will. They use you. They don't care about your health, safety and wellbeing (expecting you to go to them in this horrid storm is not safe). Why do you want a relationship with people like that??

Do you think they feel the same about you?
Do they mind upsetting you?
How would they define your relationship with them? Equal? Dependant? Oppressive? Subservient ? Bullying?

And this guy s the problem. You don’t want to upset them but they don’t care about upsetting you. Only you are in charge of what you do and don’t do. Either say no and mean it, or don’t even engage with them.
Do you live independently?

£18,000… 3 times a month x 5 hours (she says she’s there at 7 and hopes it’s stopped raining by midnight) x 12 x 10 years… £18,000 worth of babysitting give or take.