How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

An extreme suggestion: Change your phone number and forget to give them the new one? Do they only contact you when they need something from you? You do not really need to change your phone number, but mute their calls and messages if you do not want to deal with them.
I agree with the person who said, "Why don't the siblings with children mind each other's children?"

Oh girl

One long WhatsApp message to everyone

I will no longer be offering childcare services unfortunately, I have a life to live

I love you all and hope you will respect my decision

My brother once said to me

You only put up with what your willing to take.

I think it is absolutely bang on.

So what are you willing to put up with ?

Start asking for petrol money. That may shut them up a bit.
or say that you are setting up as a professional babysitter and your rate is £…..

What happened to telling the truth? You don’t need to say ‘sorry’ before saying no, you aren’t sorry and nor should you be. Have we all been so conditioned to telling lies to avoid the truth? No you tell them, I’ve been giving childcare for 10 years and now I want to focus on me and the things I enjoy. You’ll need to pay for a babysitter from now on as I’m unavailable. Don’t be mean about it just factual and importantly honest. You don’t have to be responsible for how they might feel that’s on them.

Let them be however they want to be, when you place a boundary those who don’t care about you get quite angry you just have to see it for what it is. I’m sorry your siblings are such piss taking shits. You don’t owe them anything. Know your worth.

Just say you have to spend the time working, studying, dating, with friends etc.

But this “good relationship” only exists because they’re using you.

I don't understand why a simple "Sorry, I have plans that day" doesn't work?
Talk me through the conversation:

They call/message you and say "Can you babysit next Saturday".
You say "Sorry, I have plans that evening".
What do they say next? How do they express anger?

Please develope sone courage to face up to them. It doesn’t sound like they have any respect for you. Start respecting your self.
Tell them that you do not want to baby sit any more as you as it no longer suits you. You may say I may do it once in a while but only if the heating is on and you provide food. Please find your backbone and stand up to them. If they stop talking to you then it’s their loss.

Why on earth are you letting them walk all over you? Absolute madness. Who gives a fuck if they are angry if you say no?!

Of course they haven't they've got you at their beck and call!

OP we live in a different country from both our families and have never had an hour of childcare from siblings (grandparents came flying in for births, that's it). Your siblings have no idea how good they have it.

They're CFs and it's up to you whether you just say 'I can't this time' a lot, say 'I can't babysit any more because I have other plans' once or twice, or give them actual information as to how cheeky they've been and how they have made you feel.

They'll most certainly be put out, you've provided a very valuable service for free and very flexibly. They'll have to ask around for babysitters, find several to cover all days, ask politely, negotiate prices and conditions... all the bother that you've saved them. Well, they should have shown you more appreciation.

Maybe think about what your long-term priorities are for these relationships more broadly. What do you want to preserve? But please don't let them get away with this amount of CFery.

If you have two siblings relying on you for babysitting at different times , then why can’t they just help each other out alternately ? - then they both benefit and both don’t have to pay …..?

Then they will have to learn.
Cheeky Fuckers all of them but also to be fair OP a big wet of you go put up with it. Don’t ever be led to believe that someone else’s plans are more important than yours!

You are going to have to tell them you won’t be doing it anymore, but can help out in emergencies . I wouldnt lie and say you are busy or have work commitments. Just you wont be doing it anymore. Whilst you don’t owe them anything , it would be kind to give advance notice so they can find something else.

i haven’t read every post, so not sure what you are providing? Holidays day care ? After school etc.
theres plenty of stuff around for childcare , its just expensive and they’ll have to juggle their life around
but its their responsbikity and their kids so they will have to.

My sister lives near me and has stepped in a few times for childcare. 1. I pay her (either a takeaway or with money). 2. I check if she’s free and if she says no (I wouldn’t even ask her reason) I move on. That’s how it should work within family.

So they don't have heating for you AND THE KIDS? So heating is only for them? They don't sound like very good parents.
You're not a free nanny. If you want to babysit, at times that suit you because you enjoy being with the kids, say you're available x/y/z. Put it in a WhatsApp, making it clear to everyone that you're intending to start new projects for yourself (that could be anything from the gym to reading, if they're cheeky enough to ask, simply mention a couple of interests you might take up), so these are now the only times you can sit, so discuss between themselves when they want you. And outside those times, you will only be available for emergencies, if you even want to offer that.

You need to practice saying no. And, you don’t apologise (you’ve done nothing wrong!) you just say no.
I assume they ask you? “Can you look after Mable and Elvis next Saturday”
”No”.
That is it. You don’t need to justify or make up excuses, just say no. You need to get comfortable with other people being uncomfortable….because that is their issue and not yours.

You don’t have a relationship with these people by the sounds of it. You are being used and they would be “so angry with you” if you said no to being used in the way they have become accustomed for the last 10 years. What is the reciprocal care they show you? You haven’t mentioned it.

I had this. Some people really take the piss.
I just started saying I was busy. I did say sorry to soften it so no one could say that I was being awkward or whatever as that is always the comeback in my family. Or being called selfish when you don’t do exactly what they want.
I said no quite few times before they stopped asking me. Sometimes I was going out but more often than not I had plans. Plans to sit and read, to watch tv, cook dinner or whatever. My time is not for someone else to dictate. Good luck, new found freedom awaits you!

Just say u don’t WANT to do it. You don’t have to give any reasons. They are being very entitled to get angry if you refuse.

It's not a good relationship when they are using and abusing you and you are unhappy.

Do you have a job, social life and hobbies? You're in your 20s and should be having fun on a Saturday night, not facilitating other people's fun for free. Develop an actual or fictional social life so that you are permanently unavailable for babysitting. Even if you are just sitting home alone with a glass of wine and your knitting, that's absolutely your prerogative and that time is absolutely as precious as your siblings' time out doing whatever it is they are doing, so there is no need to justify saying no EVER.

If your siblings are angry with you, make sure you are ready for it so that you can quietly point out that they have been taking the piss for ten years and you have done much more than you should for them. Tell them that, from now on, you will not babysit more than whatever amount you are happy with, and that you will only do it then with a decent amount of notice and on condition that they pay you the going rate, ensure there is a meal for you, put the heating on, and don't expect you to go out when it's unsafe. If they don't like that, they are absolutely free to make other arrangements.

@AnonyMumAuDHD nailed it.

I get you don’t want to upset anyone but I don’t think anything less than honesty will work. If you start to have own life/plans they may twist things to make you feel guilty.

No heating/food/petrol when babysitting is just cheap.

Couldn’t tonight be cancelled. I don’t think I would expect someone to go out in this if they weren’t keen.

I know that family isn’t transactional but do they do stuff for you or is it all one sided?

If you can’t have a good relationship and boundaries is it really a good relationship?

It’s not a good relationship. You’re a doormat and they are wiping their feet on you 3 times a month. And pretty much slapping you in the face with their ‘gifts’ of non appreciation.
They show you contempt and you worry about upsetting them?

If you don’t want to babysit, don’t. Say no. Tell them they are taking the p and you aren’t going to be used any more. That the least they should provide is the heating on and a meal. As a 12 yr old babysitting for neighbours, I got left a meal, told to help myself to drinks and biscuits, got a payment in cash and a thank you. Extra if they stayed out past 11pm .
Family does not have the right to take liberties. Your time is as valuable as theirs.