How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

Start small say no every 3rd time on principle. Say I have xyz on and don’t back down. Make up an event if necessary. Then drop to every other time. And eventually get to where you say no most of the time. They will need to either do less or make alternate arrangements

Excellent!

Sorry - but they don’t care about your safety or well-being, so it is time to prioritise yourself. When you get home tonight text;

”Dear all, driving out and back to XXX’s to babysit tonight was pretty terrifying in this weather. Not something I think any of you ever consider when you ask me to bring my own meals, sit without heating and never offer me so much as petrol money. It has made me rethink my boundaries and I am no longer willing and able to babysit for any of you going forward. I appreciate that this will inconvenience you all but you've have had 10 years of free childcare and it’s time you arranged this with someone else.’

You’re being abused OP and I suspect you know it. It’s so sad because you say you want a good relationship with them but a relationship where you are effectively being abused is NOT a good relationship.

If and when you summon up the courage to deal with this issue will your siblings be considerate and understanding? Will they try to see things from your point of view? No of course they won’t because their own selfish needs and wishes are paramount .

Only you can change this situation. You need call your siblings out on it directly or just be unavailable when they ask.

I do a significant amount of childcare for my children which leaves me exhausted. But I am both appreciated and respected. If I wasn’t I’m
afraid there would be some strong words and I simply would not do it.

@fernandesricksmyworld im sorry but you don’t have a good relationship with them now from the sounds of it.

They are using you. Other than an insulting present, childcare arrangements throughout the year.. how else do they show up for you? Check in on you, show you you are loved and valued.

I’m guessing they don’t. And it’s not realistic to expect them to suddenly become the siblings you wish they were if you set boundaries in place with what time you can give them.

personally I’d just say (and repeat ad nauseam) - as of X date I won’t be available to child mind any more as it’s taking too much out of me.

Don’t apologise. Don’t back down. Don’t over explain.

@fernandesricksmyworld
Tell them you've other plans/work demands
Aren't well enough or quite simply say you'll not doing it anymore
When they get shirty
Tell them there are childminders locally whose services they can use and
As they never once paid you a penny
Must've saved some serious cash by now.
Another thing
I reckon they'll never return the favour
Tell them this too
Because all they've ever done is take the urine
Knowing they were onto a good thing

You’ve just got to bite the bullet and tell them, OP.

There’s no point worrying about it ruining a good relationship, if they treat you worse because you’re not babysitting for free you don’t have a good relationship with them now (and I would say from the way they currently treat you when you babysit, the relationship is not one worth saving).

You are trying to buy their good opinion by being a doormat and, as is pretty common in such situations, if anything, it lowers their opinion of you.

Break the dynamic and they may eventually start to respect you more.

If you have 2 siblings both wanting childcare you could suggest they do childcare for each other. You are too busy and have plans you don't want to change.

If you feel you have to have a pretext ready in case of their applying pressure on hearing that you have ‘quit’, maybe say you’ll be studying (not a fib, since reading The Valley of the Dolls with a glass of wine could be classed as American Culture Studies!) in any free time, and you also have found new leisure interests.
Plus, there is the matter of wild oats to be sown, catastrophic romances to try, DIY hair dye disasters to experience: life is just too full now

^^ I agree with @Millytante. Become busy with various interests (they won't know where you're really doing them) and therefore unavailable. You might actually want to join a group/sign up for some classes (whatever interests you) if you think that'll help you stand firm and keep saying no. How will they know that you're not going out for a curry night with your Zumba class friends, for example? :-)

Once you've declined a couple of times, it'll get easier.

I think it depends on why you are being asked to babysit. If it's related to work shifts you probably need to give them a heads up about your availability becoming limited in the very near future, but if it's just so they can go out I'd probably have a selection of reasons and rotate them. Sorry I have plans, am poorly, am tired, are taking on an extra shift at work etc. Agree to 1 a month if it makes you feel better, but stop letting them think you have no life of your own. Even if you aren't otherwise engaged, you are under no actual obligation to babysit, and clearly they don't value you at all. So start valuing yourself.

Start asking for more OP.
You deserve better

They don't care about you so why should you care about them?
And they should have been paying you. Maybe mates rates but something!

Next time you ask you are busy. And the next. And the next. Do it when it gets warmer - once. And ask for payment!

Get a backbone.

Childcare aside, do you like spending time with your siblings and do you have a good relationship with them?

or are you only providing the childcare because you hope it will make you like you better and/or because you fear the family ructions if you don't.

It sounds very much as if your situation is the latter. Think about whether having a family that take advantage of you and treat you badly and that you don't really like that much better than having no family at all?

Then that is exactly what you must say OP……..
I really don’t want to ever upset you, in fact I want to maintain a good relationship with you and your children but I have realised I’m no longer enjoying babysitting and therefore I feel you need to know I have taken the decision not to commit to babysitting on a regular basis any more. It’s only fair to give you a chance to find somebody else.

If you no longer enjoy being with the children, then that is enough for you to put a very necessary halt to this situation. The children will sense that you don’t enjoy them any longer and have become resentful. It will be confusing for them and potentially damaging to be looked after by somebody who does it grudgingly. Your siblings surely won’t want that for their offspring. It’s not a healthy situation. So tell them.

You are perfectly entitled not to be used any more OP. And to want to do something different and/or better with your time, especially as your siblings have been so ungenerous and shabby in their appreciation of you. Shame on them for taking such blatant advantage of you.
You deserve a million times better OP.
I hope you can find the courage to stand your ground. Good luck!

You need therapy. Was there abuse of you as a child?

say no. You are happy to do it when you are free for £50, 8-midnight and double time after, otherwise you have other clients.

Tell them you're having health issues, that you do not wish to discuss and will be unavailable for the foreseeable future.

The fact that you are trying to avoid a scene is the reason why they've got away with this for so long. They obviously know you have been too timid to make a stand in the past. I mean for goodness sake, they have given you NOTHING in return for this!

I would tell them that from (for example) 1 November onwards you won't be able to babysit. I wouldn't say 'only under special circumstances' or 'only once a month' because that gives them a way to continue to take the piss. Simply give them a week's notice, and that's it.

Then it's about time they started 😬

@fernandesricksmyworld if you feel the relationship will only be good if you do what they want, it isn’t really a relationship at all, is it? At least not a two-way one, or one which brings you joy. It’s controlling and manipulative because you are doing something you don’t want to, even feel unsafe doing, yet you are doing it to keep the peace. They have had your time and energy for nothing.

They are the worst kind of cheeky fucker.

This is an example where they are taking you for granted, but if you want to preserve the relationships and goodwill, then it does make sense to extricate yourself slowly rather than put a bomb under it all.

You do need a bit of radical honesty though. Maybe use this occasion where you did not want to travel in the storm and they dismissed your concerns. Say I feel I'm being taken advantage of, and I'm doing more babysitting than I want to. That you will still occasionally be available but like a normal babysitter then set out conditions that a babysitter would ask for. So a meal/snack if around mealtimes, and a remuneration rate - then say "at family rates". See what happens - how they react.

The problem with advice on mumsnet is that whilst the advice might be rational and logical, people aren't. Relationships are delicate, and it sounds like you don't want to put a bomb under yours, you just want to navigate some boundaries.

Actually @fernandesricksmyworld you could send them a price list, slightly above market rate, including travel and that’ll probably stop them asking ever again …

Also if you need to put it more in perspective add up what you think they saved over the years and, if feeling brave, send them a bill and say ‘no more’ until the bill is paid.

They damn well should feel awkward about it. Find your fire and tell them to stuff it!

I feel for you. Could you feign a 2 year course that you’re mandated to take from work? Say you’re being asked to put in that extra time and cannot be available anymore.

Well, don't. They should organise their own babysitters. And making you sit in a cold house is rude - do you not know where the heating control are, though, so you could turn it on? And they should feed you. But just stop doing it.

I love the bill idea.

I agree with this.
Start making yourself busy, so then you won't feel awkward saying no because you will actually have plans.
If you aren't appreciated then you will have to find a way of stopping.