Family unhappy to go to a vegan restaurant for my birthday

[HideTheDog]

It’s my birthday soon and I chose a vegan restaurant to eat at. It was only for me, my husband and children and they were all happy with the restaurant. It was booked weeks ago for 4.

Last weekend some of our family asked if they can join us for the meal so I asked for who wanted to come and increased the number of people on the booking. They knew it was a vegan restaurant.

Today I got a message from one of them to say that now there are more people and some don’t want to eat at a vegan restaurant, they think we should eat at another restaurant which serves non vegan food as well. I messaged back to say no and that I chose it because I like it and if anyone doesn’t want to come then to let me know so I can amend the booking again.

This person has obviously told the others and I’ve been invited into a WhatsApp group chat to discuss what we should do. 🤨 I’ve ignored joining their group chat and just sent another message saying it’s for my birthday and I picked the restaurant that suited the ones going originally, I won’t be changing the restaurant and if they want to go somewhere else they can. I’ve said I’m happy to go to another restaurant with them another time.

I’ve been told I’m inflexible and only thinking of my own needs. Is it really inflexible to want to go to a restaurant I choose on my birthday that was originally chosen and booked weeks ago for just the 4 of us? I don’t mind them coming, but I feel that they’ve tagged along and now want to change it to suit them.

So they weren't actually invited in the first place, tagged themselves on to your birthday meal out and now are saying to change it to what they want?!
If true that made me do an actual LOL. The complete cheek.
"Sorry, this is where we're going, I've been looking forward to it. If you can't make it, we'll get together another time."
Do not give in. It's your birthday, so you get to choose where you go for your meal. Dem's the birthday rules.

Yep, it's unhinged! If they want to go for a meal somewhere different, they should just arrange to go there another time (and invite OP if they want)?!

There are so many things that I'd love you to say to them!

"You seem to have forgotten that it's MY birthday, and that you weren't invited" would be top of the list.

If going to a different restaurant is more important to them than celebrating with you, then fine-they can all go there. What’s astonishing is that they are expecting YOU to go somewhere you don’t want to go, for your own birthday, so they are happy . Rather unbelievable.

You could book a table at the restaurant they want to go to, and keep your original booking.... then they can go to their choice of restaurant and leave you in peace to enjoy your meal 🤣

Good for you!

I am actually shocked at the outrageous cheek of these family members who think it is OK to ask to tag along to your birthday meal and then try to pressure you in to changing it to suit them. Unbelievable!

I am not vegan or even vegetarian but wouldn't mind at all for one meal. We usually have one or two meat-free days a week anyway because we like to vary our diet and I often take the veggie options in a restaurant if I like the sound of it.

I would never go to a vegan restaurant but it’s your birthday. They shouldn’t go, not try to change your mind

If there is ever a day you can be inflexible and focus on your own needs, it's on your own birthday

I agree if more distant than family.

But if it were, say, my sibling or my parents, I probably would say "can we not go somewhere else? I really don't like that place." They might say no, at which point I'd drop it. But then we are on close terms, and I get the feeling the OP isn't so much. Are they ILs OP?

Wow, so you’re either the bossy dominant sibling or admitting to being a soft touch who is happy to give way to the bossier members of your family for the sake of family harmony? 😳

Do you really value yourself so highly/so little?

I find that rather sad.

People are so fucking stupid when it comes to vegan restaurants. I am a massive meat eater but still eat potato, fruit and veg. What do people think are served at vegan restaurants, food that they never eat?

Honestly, I don't really see where we eat for one meal as being much about how I value them or myself! It's a restaurant.

I'd just raise it, if they were adamant they didn't want to swap, that would be that. I'm a believer in the fact that most family and friend conflicts come from difficulties in communication. That kind of comment can be made in a totally non-confrontational way.

I wouldn't do it to someone outside my family whom I was less close to, because I'd feel the lines of communication were, understandably, less open and natural than those with my family.

I would worry about there being a lot of vegan ‘cheese’, ‘meat’, ‘dairy’ because I know I don’t like these things or they may upset my digestion, @LIGHTSNACKER - but I would also expect there to be alternatives that I would be happy to eat - l love tomato sauces, chickpeas, beans, rice, nuts, fruit, salads etc, so I would pick my way around the menu to find things I did like.

And the bottom line is that, if I was invited to someone’s birthday meal, I would go wherever it was they wanted to go, and I wouldn’t complain or expect them to choose somewhere that suited me better.

But obviously you know you are asking them to ditch the place they prefer on their own celebration? When you weren't even invited in the first place?

Why would you just not suggest a second, different day and place instead of making sure your family member couldn't do what they originally wanted?

Good grief anyone would think these friends of yours are discussing world peace not a restaurant. Are you saying they set up a specoal whatsapp group? Id switch back to the original number and change booking back. To be super mean I wouldnt tell anyone youve done that.

Why?

Don't you think that even raising it at all is a bit cheeky? Surely the fact that they had chosen that restaurant and booked a table indicates that this is their first choice. Even if you would be prepared to still go along if they were "adamant" it shows you were hoping they might compromise on their birthday and settle for somewhere that would suit you better even though it wouldn't be their first preference.

You ask the HOST to change the venue they’ve chosen for THEIR birthday even though you were NOT invited in the first place? 😳😵‍💫😵‍💫

I mean I agree if you decide a get together and discuss options.
But to insert yourself when you weren’t invited and then decide it’s ok to see if they couldn’t change the venue because it doesn’t work fir you but works amazingly well for the birthday person….

Well they won't show up anyway will they, what with it be vegan and all.

But if it were, say, my sibling or my parents, I probably would say "can we not go somewhere else? I really don't like that place."

Have you no manners?

Of course you shouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that to my sister if she had chosen a specific restaurant for her birthday because I am not rude and self entitled.

They are behaving obnoxiously.

Glad to see you are sticking to your guns. Enjoy your birthday

Vegan restaurants won’t serve those sorts of things.

@Calliopespa

Aw you come first 😀 im sure your family don’t mind

Restaurants are expensive and I can understand people not wanting to go to somewhere they aren’t keen on- but they invited themselves. It’s not a situation where a group are choosing where to go and there needs to be a group consensus. They are tagging on to your plans so they go where you decided, or they are free not to come.

Your son is a smart lad - I'd listen to him.
Have a marvellous birthday. xxx