Family unhappy to go to a vegan restaurant for my birthday

[HideTheDog]

It’s my birthday soon and I chose a vegan restaurant to eat at. It was only for me, my husband and children and they were all happy with the restaurant. It was booked weeks ago for 4.

Last weekend some of our family asked if they can join us for the meal so I asked for who wanted to come and increased the number of people on the booking. They knew it was a vegan restaurant.

Today I got a message from one of them to say that now there are more people and some don’t want to eat at a vegan restaurant, they think we should eat at another restaurant which serves non vegan food as well. I messaged back to say no and that I chose it because I like it and if anyone doesn’t want to come then to let me know so I can amend the booking again.

This person has obviously told the others and I’ve been invited into a WhatsApp group chat to discuss what we should do. 🤨 I’ve ignored joining their group chat and just sent another message saying it’s for my birthday and I picked the restaurant that suited the ones going originally, I won’t be changing the restaurant and if they want to go somewhere else they can. I’ve said I’m happy to go to another restaurant with them another time.

I’ve been told I’m inflexible and only thinking of my own needs. Is it really inflexible to want to go to a restaurant I choose on my birthday that was originally chosen and booked weeks ago for just the 4 of us? I don’t mind them coming, but I feel that they’ve tagged along and now want to change it to suit them.

If they decide to still come, @HideTheDog , I hope that your DH will make it very clear to them that there's not to be a single word of complaint during the meal. It's your birthday and they're not allowed to spoil it.

Your son is spot on. If they go they’ll definitely whinge as they clearly are being selfish.

I’d take control and say ‘having given it further thought I’ve decided to stick to the original plan for my birthday treat with just the four of us. I appreciate vegan isn’t everyone’s cup of tea so I’ll organise another meal with all of us somewhere you prefer soon’. And then I’d never get round to organising a second meal. I’m not vegan as it’s not my thing BUT it’s YOUR birthday so I would go and never mention it. Equally if other way round I’d choose somewhere with vegan options for you but would not expect you to whinge about limited options. YANBU!

I always find peoe like this to be so odd. What do they think will happen to them if they don’t eat meat at every meal.

I apologise, I wouldn't have been so forthright had I known that you have dietary restrictions for medical reasons 💐

This reads as though the carnivores think, as a veggie might, that eating a meal of the other sort might somehow poison them. Utterly weird. Imagine the reverse situation. Meal booked at a nose to tail meat place. Veggies invite themselves and then demand a change to meat free. There'd be a reaction. No surprise,
It's your birthday, your choice, Mind has been boggled.
Did a funeral, made sure ro cater vegan selection and to guard it so enough was left for the actual vegan.

I’m totally on your side, OP!
Just to say though - is it possible that the family members who have recently invited themselves were actually invited by other extended family members (eg Auntie Jean invited cousin Andy and his wife, etc), and those newest additions wrongly thought you had invited them yourself? Not that it justifies their rude demands whatsoever! But it might help if you make it very clear in your message to them all that this was supposed to be a plan for your family of 4.

Your birthday, your choice. YANBU

I honestly think I’d just say you’ve changed the booking back to just you and DH/ kids. If they do tell you they want to come, won’t they spend the whole time complaining and looking miserable or exchanging side-eyes? Won’t it spoil the occasion?

Of course if some people haven’t caused a fuss they might be fine, but then you’ve got some people invited, others not, so it’s a bit divisive. Better just to go back to the original plan for now I’d say.

@HideTheDog good for you, happy birthday and enjoy your lovely meal with your lovely family 🌺

How controlling of them. It’s your birthday. You ANBU. I would send them all a message saying that you’re just going to stick to the four of you and you can all (not) go out another time.
Do you even want them there when clearly they’ll likely be giving each other the side eye and complaining?

Imagine being so selfish plus inflexible that you can’t have one meal for someone else’s birthday at a restaurant of their choice.

I’d be LOL in every reply.

Theres nothing wrong in someone eating meat at every meal. Like theres nothing wrong you eating lettuce or whatever at every meal. Its a choice. Which we all have. I dont eat meat at every meal but eat it often.

Some people are just so obsessed with food especially meat it’s embarrassing and unattractive

I love a steak but if I was inviting myself to someone else's birthday meal (or even if I was invited for that matter) I would absolutely go along with what they had planned! I would just tell them that this is where you are going, they can come if they want to but you won't be changing the venue for them.
Some people are so entitled!

I agree that it is rich that the self entitled family are saying that the OP is being inflexible. Do they not see the irony?

This reminds me when the kids were little and there was this really nice vegan cafe near us. My dd had food allergies inc dairy and eggs and I invited my mum once to come with us for a treat. The kids menu was great and I knew no one was going to accidentally give her a brioche bun or whatever other accidents we’ve had before. The food was really nice as well, I’d choose to go there on my own as a non vegan.
it was like a comedy sketch, my mum asked the server over again while choosing if she could have some cream added to the soup or cheese on the meal etc and agonised about having a meal with no meat in it. The server kept politely saying no as we are a vegan restaurant, only getting slightly irritated at about the 5th question about meat or dairy in the food 😄. My mum did know it was a vegan restaurant beforehand she just couldn’t handle having an actual meal with no meat etc I guess!
Maybe it’s best not to invite family members that can’t get their heads round vegan food 😄

The fact that they weren't even invited, just invited themselves and then trying to change it, just adds insult to injury. Change the booking back to the original number and go without them. Your son is right, they will come and complain about the food, or even if they don't complain outright there will be little looks, digs and snide remarks.

@HideTheDog good for you!

I think fwiw, your son may be right, they may come and ruin your evening, so take the decision to restrict it back to the 4 of you and perhaps arrange to meet for drinks after/another time.

They sound horrendous - who invites themselves like this and then changes venue to their choice not the hosts ?

Stick to your guns and enjoy your lovely birthday meal with your DH and DC only

as an aside thank you to all those mentioning fab vegan places to eat but please feel free to add the babes do I can build up a list of those to try ( no I’m not a vegan but would love to try some of these places on my travels)

“Names “ even 😊

Ds has ARFID and has a very restricted oral intake. I would never in a million years expect someone to plan their celebration meal around his dietary needs. If somewhere isn’t suitable then I would wish them all the best, apologise we can’t go and arrange an alternative at a later date.

In Cork, it’s Café Paradiso, probably the best vegan restaurant in these islands. It has certainly won plenty of awards saying so!

Ridiculous. They had an existing booking that these people added themselves onto. Birthday or not. If they want a nice catch up they can make their own suggestions for a meet up ffs.

Stick to your guns OP. Better still change the time. Stick to the four of you. You know you and your family wont enjoy the others critical attitude and opinions during the meal. Say as others of said above that you wouldnt want them to feel obligated to go nor of place or uncomfortable. Then leave it. But do consider changing the time rather than not having a lovely experience on your birthday. I would of seen trying a new restaurant or experience as a positive thing especially on a relatives birthday but there you go.

And the choice here is to go to meal or don’t go.

Liking meat-based meals is not the problem here. The problem is relatives who supposedly love OP enough to want to spend her birthday with her trying to force her into a different plan - just so they don’t have to go without meat for one meal.