Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

I think this could have been resolved with a civil conversation later on. You don’t eat the food they were cooking and it was too early for you. What were you really upset about OP? I don’t think it’s about dinner at all 🙂

We know SD always eats earlier, she is 5 years old.

But he doesn't usually eat with her and so OP would reasonably expect they'd be eating later as usual - he should have asked her if she wants him to do anything for her so she had the choice to join the meal if she wanted.

It's just basic courtesy to members of the household.

He offered to cook her something and she said she wasn’t hungry.

Because it's most definitely NOT normal to cook a meal for yourself and your children while your partner is busy in another room without saying anything to them about it.

I never said it in the first place - no 'now' about it.
I think you have issues with comprehension. I suggest reading everything again.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with 'DP' here at all.

• He swore at you over nothing.
• He neglected to ask you if you wanted food which is actually a normal thing to do

-He never cooks except this once

• He wouldn't take his own child out without you there.
• He makes comments at you if you do your own thing - like sleep in your own bed because you want to.

Honestly, he doesn't sound like a good person, and you've only know him 18 months! I bet he will get worse.

OP, I feel you have taken on a step mum role too soon here. I would be putting my boundaries in place with this one - though honestly, if he swore at me like that, I would be gone.

Any man who calls you a c**t is a goner, as far as I'm concerned.

Because they always eat dinner together later on Saturdays.
Maybe you don't like your partner much? But for most couples, eating a nice meal together on a weekend evening is something enjoyable that people look forward to. So when one party decides it's cancelled without telling the other it's rude and disrespectful. I can't imagine my DH even thinking of doing this to me. He would never be so thoughtless!
Completely different if he had said to her 'I am planning to eat pasta with DD at 5. What do you want to do about dinner'? That's normal behaviour...

Yeah I think you're unreasonable. This was kids tea rather than adults dinner, even if he ate too.

Not sure how old dsd is but it’s pretty rude making her eat alone every week and eating once she’s in bed! Far better to eat as a family at a compromise time. We ate at 6.30 ish throughout my DCs childhood

You don't seem to be understanding the issue which is that the DP doesn't usually eat dinner with her at 5

But he only offered when he had already finished cooking for himself and SD, and only because OP had expressed annoyance at not being considered? They would have both been finished eating before whatever he made her was done.

You can surely see that it was not a sincere offer?

Somehow I think that may be a long time coming!!

What are you not understanding? That he usually let's OP cook for him and OP later than his DD except this time when he didn't and called her a cunt.

I’d be reconsidering the relationship. His response should have been to immediately be aware that you were upset at the change in routine with no notice to you and an acknowledgement of that. Instead he calls you a selfish cunt. Clearly only what he wants matters. I’d not stay with someone like that.

Also you’ve clearly been living together for some time. He’s not a good dad. There’s no way living together at 18 months with a young child on the scene is appropriate.

I wouldn’t tolerate being called names- he was utterly out of line. That’s something needing addressed. But, he’s a grown man who can eat with his daughter if he chooses. He should have let OP know, but it’s hardly crime of the century to eat with his daughter at an earlier time than he would usually eat. A bit thoughtless not to let her know, but op over-reacted.

That's ok, I live on caffeine and spite 😉

Some strange comments on here!

@emmalynnxx I think it was rude not to mention they were cooking and offer to make something or just the heads up! Especially as it’s out of routine. If I’d been cleaning and came down to find they’d made dinner and not offered me anything I would feel quite hurt.

the language though is even worse for me and I think it may be over. I’d be horrified if my DH called me that.

But he did this day because he was hungry and so decided to eat some food….

But could not be bothered to see if OP was hungry? Why are you so determined to make out he was not in the wrong?

So you got snarky because he wanted to eat with his daughter and spend time with her and not you. You are selfish.

He called you a 'selfish cunt' for reasonably wondering what about your own dinner when he was cooking for just himself and his daughter without warning you he was doing so.

And this while fully expecting you to 'be present at all times' when he entertains his daughter (eg, you were expected to go shopping with them, but ended up on your own anyway) and sulks when you don't comply (refusing to sleep in the living room with them).

He wants it all his way AND will expect you to be present in anything he does with/for his child and not have a life of your own. I'd run now.

Some women can't help dickpandering and other women live with utter dickheads and don't like to see mirrors held up to their own lives so they rationalise dickhead behaviour so they don't have to face their own shit relationships...

If they all usually ate together then I would completely agree.

But he always cooks earlier for DD and OP knows this and is ok with this.

He was hungry and knew that it would be 3/4hours before his typical dinner time and so chose to eat.

He offered to cook OP something but she wasn’t hungry.

If a man ever got upset with me eating 4 hours before our dinner time then I’d think he was incredibly controlling.

Fuck me, give over.