Dinner time and nothing cooked for me, Aibu?

[emmalynnxx]

Hi. I’ve just caused a massive row with DP and wondering if I’m unreasonable.

DP has DSD with us this weekend, as we do every weekend. I love DSD, and try and make her feel very welcome and loved when she is here. Of course she goes in phases of who she wants to spend time with and at the moment I am not her favourite, DP is. Which is normal and expected.

Today we went shopping and I spent a lot of time just walking around on my own as DP went to different shops with DSD. Last night they had a “sleepover” in the living room and I spent the evening in our bedroom. I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours.

After getting in, I was cleaning the bedrooms ans walked into DP cooking dinner for DSD. I asked what he was having and he said DSD and me are having carbonara. DP and me usually eat around 8/9 with a bottle of wine. Nothing was cooked for me (I don’t eat bacon or cheese) so I said, rather sarcastically, I’m fine thanks nothing for me.

DP got annoyed and said well I’ll cook you something. I was polite and said no thanks, it’s too early for me, I’ll eat later, I just didn’t know you were cooking that’s all.

we usually sit with DSD whilst she eats and talk to her but don’t usually eat with her.

DP called me a selfish c**t and said I was causing tension and that I was being a baby about a dinner. Was I?

@OneHazelBird it depends on what was planned for their later dinner though doesn’t it. If OP and her DP were having fish fingers and oven chips it’s no hassle to cook that later for one person. If their later dinner was a chicken pot pie for two, or a beef wellington or side of salmon for example, that’s not something you can easily just cook for one person - not without half of it going to waste. So does OP now have toast for dinner or an omelette or something when she was looking forward to a more substantial, enjoyable dinner?

What a horrible relationship. I hope there aren't any children witnessing that and thinking it's an acceptable way to speak to someone you claim to love.

Do you at least understand that women are not obliged to stick around to be called cunts? Doesn't matter if you don't, it remains true, but I'm wondering if you understand how absolutely hateful and disgusting it's generally considered to be.

Oh yeah - obligatory 😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

I have nothing more to add to this post except are you on crack is my kryptonite and now you've started me off.🤣

So what’s the problem then?

You’re now saying you don’t need to ask permission before you eat - so why was DH so wrong to eat some of the food he made?

Playing the best dad ever for his little girl but calling his girlfriend a cunt. Nice.

No, I'm not sure what is going on here but no way should either of you just be cooking for the children and not each other. The whole "family" should be factored in even if it is messy.

I also would absolutely draw the line well before being called a c**t - no way, not having that, ever. There is something no quite right here. Yes sure, step children are important but not at the expense of everything else. Their feelings and rights and wants should of course be factored in but only in the general mix of things, not as a priority whilst your needs firmly take a back seat - just no to that partly because it just makes a tyrant of them. No one should be centralised in that way - we all have to learn to live within a group.

This is what's underlying all of this isn't it, OP "I feel this is fine, DSD and DPs relationship will never compare to ours"

You think your relationship with your DP is more important than that of his with his own daughters'

Why would it need to go to waste though?

I cooked for my DC and friends yesterday and was planning on having my meal later on.

I had cooked a lot more than I realised and it looked tasty so I had some.

I then had my dinner later on as planned too.

I genuinely don’t see the issue in me eating earlier if I am hungry.

These responses 🤣 Only on a stepmum's thread would these happen.

Of course it's rude for 3 people to be home but to only cook for 2, without even mentioning it to the other person at all!!

Surely you either offer to include them or, in a case like this, where OP doesn't eat the dish in question and the adults usually always eat together later in the evening, you say "I'm going to share this carbonara with SD tonight, do you want me to put something on for you?" Then OP has the option to either join the meal or say she'd still prefer to eat later do she'd sort herself out.

He shoulcn't have called you names. That's not OK at all.

But, I don't see a problem with him eating with his daughter for a change, and I don't think he needed to run it past you. And obviously he wasn't going to ask if you wanted some or cook some for you if he knows you don't like cheese or bacon. Treat yourself to a lovely takeaway instead tonight (and don't share with him).

Exactly. Only on step children threads are people expected to sit meekly and be non people in their own home. For reference, I was never a step child and don't have step children so speak as someone who just likes to see fair play.

It really comes down to this. All the posters positively falling over themselves to ignore the big cunt elephant in the room.

I didn't read it that way.

But I wonder if Dad of the Year would want his daughter, when she's older, to be in a relationship with a man who calls her a cunt.

I'm really quite taken aback by how many people don't seem to have noticed it.

It was weird and rude of him and calling you a cunt is beyond unacceptable. But now you've said that you've only been together 18 months but you're living together, he expects you to co-parent extensively, and he never normally cooks, I'd say you're being thoroughly taken advantage of and should leave anyway.

OP knew he was cooking for DSD as she always eats earlier.

He also offered to cook OP something if she was hungry but she said she wasn’t.

He ate some of DSDs meal because he was hungry.
I’m not seeing the issue in eating something when you want to.

Yeah. I think you were in the wrong causing bad feeling about something so trivial. You’re an adult who can surely rustle something together for yourself.

No, the underlying thing is OP has a dud that's a shit dad and a shit husband. Her feelings of being disrespected are totally true and the fact is he will be giving his DD daddy issues.

When I was with my boy’s dad they sometimes had one of their ‘lads teas’ of which funnily enough Carbonara was one as I’m not a fan.
so they would tell me, I’d respond great I will get myself something later, for me a treat as I would then enjoy Thai soup, something they don’t like

as if on a Saturday night that decision is made without me being told, everyone is sat down tucking in and I’ve not been considered

I don’t believe anyone would put up with that, step child or not

You seen unbothered by him calling you a cunt, does he often call you this? No one should be called that by their partner

Both unreasonable.

He should not have called you a c*nt. That’s not on at all.

You were being unreasonable too. He wanted to actually eat dinner with his daughter- which is absolutely fine and a nice thing to do. She might have asked him to cook and eat with her, for instance. She might prefer that to being the only one eating? You clearly do, as no doubt if you are eating later your partner could sit with you whilst you eat, but you are unhappy at this. So, presumably, you’re objection is not that you’ll lose out on time with your partner- as he could sit and have a glass of wine whilst you eat- but that he will not be eating with you.

He doesn’t need your permission eat with his daughter, nor to decide when he wants to eat. But, he should have said that was what he was going to do. You could then have chosen to eat with them, or not. I suspect he knew that you would not eat what they were having and would not want to eat at that time, but nevertheless he still should have let you know regarding his change in plans.

I think you over-reacted. You were unreasonable to be passively aggressive in front of his daughter. You don’t want her to feel guilty for simply eating with her Dad. You could have spoken to him later about not letting you know- not for choosing to eat with his daughter, but solely for not letting you know that your usual plans had changed because it was rude not to.

Nope OP didn't know that weekend dad would be doing this while she was cleaning. That's the point.

Going out on a Saturday night is an analogy, it doesn’t have to be the exact same situation. I was just using it as another example of courtesy and communication, as opposed to seeking permission, within a relationship.

What else he was supposed to do was
simply just to let her know. It’s not rocket science. It’s not asking permission or not being allowed. It’s not hard and it takes virtually no effort. It’s just “hey, me and DD are having carbonara now for dinner, do you want to eat with us?”

Well thats not an evening meal is it? It's lunch

Fuck that, I really hope OP has more self respect.