To wish my mum would stop trying to give me stuff

[WoIsMe]

For context, I have a large family (four children) and live in a cramped house where we don’t have a lot of space. In recent weeks my mum has tried to give me the following:

1. A huge plate warmer that I don’t have the space to store or anywhere to put when in use. I already own a small plate warmer that fits on top of my microwave AND an electric hostess trolley.
2. Six new plain white pillowcases when I already have complete sets of bedding for every bed in my house plus spares.
3. Three sets of bathroom mats when I already have a set and a spare set for each bathroom.
4. Two net curtains that don’t fit any of the windows in my house.
5. An ice cream maker that she got from the charity shop for £5 before realising the bowl didn’t fit in her freezer. I don’t have much kitchen storage space and I’ve never even aspired to make my own ice cream.
6. A huge electric fire that, again, I don’t have anywhere to put while in use or to store.
7. A large, empty Christmas cake tin. I have no idea why I want that at all, especially in October. I have plenty of storage containers.

I don’t understand why she keeps trying to give me things I don’t need and/or have nowhere to store. Some of them she had lying around but others she has bought specially for me even though I don’t want or need them. I feel bad saying no to her but why does she keep doing it?

So AIBU to wish she would stop trying to give me random items?

What happens when you say no thanks mum, that’s kind but I’m good for one of those thanks

Mine is the same. She can’t say no to ‘bargains’ or old crap that other people want rid of, and because she sees the odd bit of space in my house she decides I really need a nasty old fauxhogany TV cabinet or a navy double-breasted M&S blazer from the mid 90s.

Hand it back and say "thanks for the thought but we don't need/want that".
She does not leave your home without whatever she came with.
Alternatively leave on her doorstep.

Just say no thank you.

Have you asked her to stop? how did she respond?

Just a kind word ..
”Mum that’s so kind of you to think of me, but I don’t have the room for anything else in my house”

is your mum ok? Sometimes when people are feeling are low, they start buying items for others or for themselves to try to cheer themselves up. Maybe have a word about how she’s feeling at the moment.

I’d imagine this is how hoarding starts!!

Why do you feel bad saying no she’s clearing the drap from her house and giving the problem to you! If my mum offers me stuff it’s a genuine offer. I can accept if it works for me and will help but equally can refuse.

you need an honest conversation, you thank her for thinking of you but you are rationalising your house to free up living space and just keeping things you really want or need, so won’t need anything more so she will need to give it to the charity shop or recycle donate elsewhere. If she turns up with stuff she’s not listening or respecting you so send it home with her.

I voted YABU as you could easily say “no thanks mum, give it to charity or sell it on Vinted”

Is this what that american bloke would call her “love language”?

Store the pillowcases & net curtains in the cake tin… then throw it out next bin day!

Just tell her no!

Surely she is aware you don’t have lots of space, just be honest and say I really don’t have anywhere to keep it.
I also have a small house and my mum always offers me things but will ask first and I will say I don’t have room or I don’t really need one thanks and she says ok and we move on. Try it she won’t be offended.

My late DM was exactly like this too, always trying to pass on stuff she had acquired or even bought from ’the cheap shop’.
Unfortunately it was nearly always absolute crap - (but it was a bargain!) and I just had to keep repeating ‘oh, thanks mum but I really don’t need that.’ or ‘sorry but DS already has three (nicer) teddies just like that.’
It got a bit better eventually. Just keep repeating ad infinitum.

I didn’t take much from Marie Kondo, as you would know for yourself if you saw my house, but she is very good on this.

Basically it is someone else’s difficulty with letting go of things - they find it easier to give it to you than throw it out. They need it gone but can’t bin it - that’s why they don’t take no for an answer.

I was guilty of this as a mum. Guess I wanted to help them as it was my usual practice. But it is different helping them get stuff for uni and now they have their own houses. I now ask if they want something but don't mind if they say no thanks . Occasionally it's OK as my DS just took some storage baskets I no longer needed . I will donate the rest.
Tell her it's a waste of her time getting stuff you don't ask for as it will just go in the bin . I think I used to do it as a way to shop without buying for myself . Maybe she does this too.

Oooh I can really relate and sympathise with you and it’s not just been my own mum but my ex Mil and her mum too via wrapped gifts for Christmas or birthday! My mum has given me Knick knacks she’s seen in a charity shop that she says remind her of me… but then unfathomably wants me to have them, which makes no sense whatsoever. Nine times out of ten these are a complete bloody insult eg a figurine of drippy looking cartoon character blowing her nose and looking miserable while a fat baby cries amongst a cluster of beer bottles. I get gifted Charity shop clothes that were buried deep in the stuff that’s on its way to landfill. I used to take stuff so as not to hurt her feelings but it was making me sick. I never had the opportunity to choose my own things because my home was full of her cast offs or charity buys. I did speak to her and it didn’t go well. The ex mil would empty her lift and dump it on me to look through and take what I want and then donate what I didn’t. I resented that because it forced me to take time out of my day to deal with the crap. Unwanted gifts were regifted to me too, perfumes that weren’t liked and travel sets of nasty bath stuff. My assertiveness appeared once I was free of the relationship. Over the last few years too I’ve gently had to keep reminding my mum that I’ve downsized a lot and have no space or I just say thank you but I don’t like that, you keep it. It really hurts her feelings and makes her snappy as though I’m ungrateful. To help with it. My sanity and yours OP is worth more.

I get this and when I say no, she tries to guilt me with it’s a shame to bin it, how expensive it was. The kids might want it one day. I have absolutely no storage in my house. My mum on the other hand has plenty plus two empty bedrooms. It’s a constant battle.

Sounds like she can't bear to give stuff away so regifts it.

Why throw it away?

Give away on a free cycle page rather than just wasting it. Someone else might make use of it

Does she have hoarding tendencies/shopping addiction? If so you will have a hard time ever stemming the flow, because it's not a rational choice she's making, it's more of a compulsion. Your choice with dealing with it is either to be hardline absolute no, not ever - though this may cause damage to your relationship - or accept the stuff and then quietly hide it away in garage etc and take to charity shop ASAP. Maybe gently try to encourage her to seek professional help.

If she is more reasonable I would try explaining that you don't need stuff and you will let her know if there's anything you want her to look out for.

My FIL has a friend who does this. He takes her stuff and then complains about it. I say oh I need a XYZ can I have it, or I know someone who is looking for one of them. Then depending on the state of it I take it to the tip or the charity shop. Not once has FIL commented other than to say Mrs So and So was happy you could use her XYZ.

I feel like I’m performing a social benefit that doesn’t need to be acknowledged 😆

My MIL does this, politely declining would make her feel bad. I realised that 1) giving makes her feel helpful and good as she remembers struggling for items when she was raising children and 2) she feels guilt dumping things.

I gladly take items now and list them on marketplace/vinted. Then I take her out for coffee/lunch with the money.

she never asks about the things she gives me. She knows we don’t always keep them, but we are making nice memories together whilst reducing the hoard.

I know listing and organising is a faff, but it’s worth it to me.

It's a mum thing I'm sure. Mines the same. You have to learn to say no.

Because it's a chore the OP doesn't want to do.

Because it becomes another job that you didnt ask for.

My lovely mum hands me all kinds of crap and says "just donate it if you don't want it". Which means it sits for months in a charity bag while I wait for it to fill it up to make it worthwhile dropping it off.

With my mum she can't leave something in a charity shop that she thinks is nice/unusual/baragin - she has to buy it, doesn't have room so hands it over to me. She also picks up discarded clothes on park benches etc for my kids to wear. I've said just leave them as the kid who lost it will retrace steps to find it - falls on deaf ears.