To wish my mum would stop trying to give me stuff

[WoIsMe]

For context, I have a large family (four children) and live in a cramped house where we don’t have a lot of space. In recent weeks my mum has tried to give me the following:

1. A huge plate warmer that I don’t have the space to store or anywhere to put when in use. I already own a small plate warmer that fits on top of my microwave AND an electric hostess trolley.
2. Six new plain white pillowcases when I already have complete sets of bedding for every bed in my house plus spares.
3. Three sets of bathroom mats when I already have a set and a spare set for each bathroom.
4. Two net curtains that don’t fit any of the windows in my house.
5. An ice cream maker that she got from the charity shop for £5 before realising the bowl didn’t fit in her freezer. I don’t have much kitchen storage space and I’ve never even aspired to make my own ice cream.
6. A huge electric fire that, again, I don’t have anywhere to put while in use or to store.
7. A large, empty Christmas cake tin. I have no idea why I want that at all, especially in October. I have plenty of storage containers.

I don’t understand why she keeps trying to give me things I don’t need and/or have nowhere to store. Some of them she had lying around but others she has bought specially for me even though I don’t want or need them. I feel bad saying no to her but why does she keep doing it?

So AIBU to wish she would stop trying to give me random items?

@WoIsMe just put it straight in the bin.

My sister moved countries and decided to fill a van my DH was trying with the contents of her attic, think old belts, huge toys, boxes of old baby clothes, bikes for the scrap yard etc.. she told my H that I’d like them, so he stupidly drove it all to our house and emptied them into our garage. I couldn’t use my own garage for 4 years!

People have no sense!

Chill… it’s the weekend… I was trying to distract everyone from this horrible weather! Xx

My mother in law is obsessed with suggesting we put stuff in our roof space.
Everytime we refuse something as no space for etc.
Oh just put it in your roof space.
Why?? I am not storing stuff just because.

Also homemade blankets. So many blankets, we don't need more.
Oh you could keep them in your roof space.

Ive lost count of the things my family have offloaded and then I have to take to the dump!!

If so, the message is being lost in translation.

I do say no to some things but there are other things than she’s gone out and shopped for just for me and it’s difficult to say no to her. She bought me six plastic table clothes last year so now I have enough tablecloths to last for the rest of my life. The ice cream maker is different because she bought it for herself then couldn’t use it. I don’t know why she couldn’t just take it back to the charity shop though.

She has also given me broken electronics to take to the dump and some things to put on my local Freebay selling site so she definitely isn’t dumping random items on me because she can’t bear to get rid of them.

It is like hoarding as a few have commented but do hoarders hoard things in other people’s houses?

Can she easily get to the tip, my mum couldn't because she couldn't drive so we went for her. Is she confident with online selling. If not that may be why

When my Aunt died, my Uncle (who had 2 married adult Sons and 5 grandchildren) gave me>
a food processor
a 6 foot tall fibre optic Chrismas tree and a big box of decorations and lights (all tangled up, like my cats had invited some friends around overnight for a rave)
a sewing machine with extra bits
a soup maker
an ice cream maker
all of my late Aunts open perfume bottles (about 30) 🤔
an extensive collection of cookery books
a canteen of cutlery
some random ornaments.

Let's put it this way, the local charity shops got a lot of donations...

Here you go, OP. A very useful little word for you :

‘No’.

Use as often as necessary. The more you use it, the less you will need to use it, because people will get the message. Using it will feel quite uncomfortable at first, particularly to people you care about. But, believe me, the more you use it the easier it gets. Much easier.

I really sympathise as my mum does this, saying no makes no difference at all. I do put it in the bin because I got sick of using my time to redistribute.

I literally take the bags she brings and bin them, I tell her I will do this but nothing stops her.

This really over simplifies things, you can say no to my mum as much as you like but she doesn’t respect me as a separate individual with my own agency so she couldn’t care if I say yes or no!

Throw it straight in the bin, in front of her. She'll eventually get the message.

Yeah, sometimes

Bloody knickknacks from local knickknack shops when she goes on her walking holidays with her walking group!!

This is a very common problem and I've made more or less the same post on this forum seceral times. I call it:

Hoarding By Proxy.

My mum has it. It is incredibly stressful to deal with, especially in the extreme form my mother has, which seeing as I live abroad involves her spending ridiculous amounts on postage to send me stupid things.

She tries to send food through the post. Not just Marmite or Paxo stuffing or genuine, "Brit abroad" stuff but crumpets, malt loaf, cheese. Once she even sent bacon.

Then there's the unwearable clothes.

Every so often, I try to talk to her about it and it stops or at least slows down for a while but like any addiction it creeps. I let her send one genuine item that I really can't find over here and then off she goes again.

You just have to harden your heart and bin it. It hurts me to do this with my mother because each time I see another Royal Mail padded envelope or box in the post box downstairs in my flat I could cry.

She puts so much effort and love into preparing these offerings but they're essentially tatt. To complicate matters often it's clothes or household goods that are so cheap and bad quality that she'd never wear or use herself.

So she loves me and misses me but she shows me this by sending garbage. Make that make sense?

I feel for us all on this thread.

Hoarding by proxy

Just stick it in your porch/outside and put a post on Facebook marketplace saying it's free to go.

You may not believe it. But one day youll miss the crap ….
accept it as it’s meant with kindness as longstanding as she’s not going bonkers or developing a shopping addiction , and pass it on to free cycle / charity etc.

My mother does this too (the difference being she would never buy something new to give to me - all Christmas/ birthday presents even are things found around her house - but would never give me broken things to go to the dump/ give away. They would stay forever!

But she will, eg. just sneak books onto my shelves or leave decades old toys for the children in their toy boxes without mentioning it. So hoarding by proxy sounds about right.

Sorry that wasn’t a very helpful comment but you’re not the only one!

In that case, I think I might say ‘no’ rather more bluntly and forcefully than you.

Wow

hurtful ad it is, my mum doesn’t care how blunt of forceful I am, not sure why you are judging me?

My mum does this too 🙈

😂🤣
I'd keep the pillowcases though... They don't take up much space, they are plain and I like to 'double bag' my pillows in any case. The rest can happily go in the recycling 😄

My Mum does this- mainly stuff from her house she doesn’t want any more. I take it, say thank you and then tip/ charity shop/ dispose as appropriate.

My Mum also spends a lot of time telling me about all the things in her house that I must keep and treasure when she dies- anyone else’s do that?

Fair enough. As long as she's open with everyone that she doesn't give a suit about environmental concerns