To wish my mum would stop trying to give me stuff

[WoIsMe]

For context, I have a large family (four children) and live in a cramped house where we don’t have a lot of space. In recent weeks my mum has tried to give me the following:

1. A huge plate warmer that I don’t have the space to store or anywhere to put when in use. I already own a small plate warmer that fits on top of my microwave AND an electric hostess trolley.
2. Six new plain white pillowcases when I already have complete sets of bedding for every bed in my house plus spares.
3. Three sets of bathroom mats when I already have a set and a spare set for each bathroom.
4. Two net curtains that don’t fit any of the windows in my house.
5. An ice cream maker that she got from the charity shop for £5 before realising the bowl didn’t fit in her freezer. I don’t have much kitchen storage space and I’ve never even aspired to make my own ice cream.
6. A huge electric fire that, again, I don’t have anywhere to put while in use or to store.
7. A large, empty Christmas cake tin. I have no idea why I want that at all, especially in October. I have plenty of storage containers.

I don’t understand why she keeps trying to give me things I don’t need and/or have nowhere to store. Some of them she had lying around but others she has bought specially for me even though I don’t want or need them. I feel bad saying no to her but why does she keep doing it?

So AIBU to wish she would stop trying to give me random items?

Well the OPs mother clearly has no manners as she keeps doing something her daughter doesn't want.

Watching for hints. My mil does this. I’m getting better at saying no but especially when I first moved in with dp it was hard to not be polite and just say yes. I feel like saying you have you’re own home to interior decorate not ours

I know you were being sarcastic. But I wouldn't be pissed off if that did happen. I would just take the books to the round table book stall and they sell them for charity

my mum does this. brought me round two stained table clothes and said "your kids stained these so I thought you might want them?"
I did not.

My Grandma was a hoarder. She was always trying to give me bits of her tat. I had to be firm and tell her i didn't have room for it all. Just tell her, be firm.

That's fine if you have the means to get to the book sale place.
(I actually drop a lot of books at the "leave a book, take a book" shelf at my local train station because I use it regularly)
It's just a massive pain in the arse if you can't and you suddenly have to find space to store this load of stuff.

It is nothing to do with kindness, it's done to make the giver feel good/get a dopamine hit, no consideration is being given to the person they are giving the stuff to. How could it be as if that was the case, once told the giver would stop.

My mum doesn't buy crap but if anyone buys her chocolate or bisciuts these get passed onto us the next time it's a birthday or Christmas. I have said this on here before but one year she'd obviously been given the M&S/Waitrose light up biscuit tin which she gave to my FIL for Christmas, didn't bother to wrap it , he was trying to work out what it was and it became clear she'd no idea as she'd not bought it - just seen it was something with sugar in and wanted to get it out of her house asap as eating that kind of food is a moral failing.

You are not being unreasonable OP, I know exactly how you feel.

My mum also does this, but not only with items from her own house, but from that of my sister too.

Its very clear that, instead of taking stuff to the dump, charity shop or other responsible way to get rid of things, they just dump things on us instead because that involves the least effort for them.

Last time she tried it, I sent her away with both the bags of rubbish, er "items" she had brought. Talking to her achieves nothing - she is a complete buffoon and its like talking to a brick wall*.

(*She is a former primary teacher and does that teacher thing where they treat other adults as if they are talking to small kids in a classroom - very much "one way" communication)

Its nice to think of others, but check with them first if they actually want things. Otherwise it just looks like you are using them as a recycling company.

"It is nothing to do with kindness, it's done to make the giver feel good/get a dopamine hit, no consideration is being given to the person they are giving the stuff to."

That is absolutely spot on, bingo! And described in a much better way that I could have.

Every Christmas my mum makes a big show of announcing she has bought me a "few beers that I like". Every year though, she has bought beer that I dislike (and I am hardly fussy). Then, every year, we discuss what beer it is that I actually like. Then we do the whole performance again next Christmas.

But this charade is nothing to do with me. She isn't buying beer as a kind gesture for me, rather she is buying it to make herself feel good, kind, holy and righteous. If it was anything to do with me, she might have got it right even just one time, out of all these years.

But its not to do with me, its all about her. When I do something nice for another, I get it right every time. Its not hard to get it right, all you need is to have even a fleeting consideration for the other person.

Similarly, my sister loves to organise "surprise parties" at her house, for every event from birthday parties, down to marking the occasion that someone has bought new socks.

These "surprise parties" have been done to death, by now they are the least surprising thing in the world and everyone is sick of them. It would be more of a surprise for her to do nothing, not to mention a great relief. But, they are not really about the claimed event at all, they are about my sister saying, in an unspoken way, "Look how thoughtful I am! See all the trouble I have gone to!".

Its faux charity and a real pain in the ass. Very transparent as well. If you say to either that you don't want whatever they are doing, they get really angry, offended and domineering - because its all about them and you are robbing them of their self-righteous dopamine hit.

This probably sounds rude and ungrateful to those who don't know people like this, but I assure you that it isnt!

Well most people either have or know someone with a car you know

I live in London.
We don't own a car and most of my friends that live close by/neighbours don't own cars (that's why I use the train station so much 😂)
I actually live a 5 minute walk from a charity shop (actually 4 of them) but I can only take what I can carry - which is pretty much a bags worth at a time so donating a decent amount of stuff takes ages.
Seriously....do you not see that it's really annoying to be given stuff you don't want/need/have space for and then have to figure out what to do with it?

It is like hoarding as a few have commented but do hoarders hoard things in other people’s houses?

Yes. Because hoarding stems from a difficulty in letting go of items as emotional significance is attached to them. In giving you the items, it means she doesn't have to throw them away or admit they were a "waste", and she retains a connection to them as she sees you and may get to see the items being used/enjoyed.

When she's bought something specifically, it can be about the dopamine rush from buying and the sense of generosity or righteousness from gifting, as others have said.

For example when I go to a shop and see an adorable wearable towel, I think "Awww that's cute!" but I recognise that my DC already each have a wearable towel, and we don't need extras. So I don't buy it.

Somebody with shopping addiction or some forms of hoarding might find it much harder to resist that purchase. So they might buy several tablecloths for themself and then when even they have to admit they have enough tablecloths, giving it to someone else (e.g. their adult DD) allows them to keep giving in to the urge to buy AND they get to feel generous and helpful especially as at least at first, most people will be polite/appreciative. This is highly reinforcing, meaning next time they see something "for so-and-so" the urge is even stronger/harder to resist.

She has also given me broken electronics to take to the dump and some things to put on my local Freebay selling site so she definitely isn’t dumping random items on me because she can’t bear to get rid of them.

I wouldn't be so sure it means she isn't. Why does she ask you to do those jobs - is she physically unable to do them e.g. no car, doesn't understand Freebay - and if so, why doesn't she just put the electronics out with her recycling, or throw the items away or take to a charity shop? It could be that she feels this is the "best" way to dispose of something (e.g. Freebay means somebody specifically wants it, the dump has an electronics recycling system where they strip down usable parts, etc) as this can be a barrier to people who struggle with hoarding type behaviours. They can sometimes know that X is an item they don't want/need any more, but they struggle with the idea that just throwing it away is "wasteful" or find it physically/emotionally painful to do this, or have history of changing their mind at the last minute or something, hence it can be easier to give it to someone else to do the task, and/or it sits in a pile in their house because they feel it's more important to do it properly than do it now.

I can’t give everything away as she has bought things especially for me. She will expect to see the 18 tea towels and three sets of bath mats and at least one tablecloth next time she comes to visit.

Since I last posted she has tried to give me some fluffy socks (that I accepted as my son will like them), some new face cloths she had bought (I said no), two opened packets of scented party liners I can’t use, one of my brother’s old shirts for my son, a plain orange medium t-shirt that someone else gave her, a dinosaur towelling robe for toddlers, an unopened moisturiser that isn’t the one I use, and a secondhand duvet. It’s relentless.

Do I need to start saying no to everything?

I’m sorry to hear that so many other people are experiencing the same thing.

Explain you realise is trying to be kind, but you do not want her to keep buying/giving you things. Then say no to everything else she give after that.

That makes a lot of sense. I know she lived in food poverty in childhood and she has a lot of issues around food wastage as a result, but she has never mentioned being deprived in other areas that might trigger hoarding habits. I have seen her keep broken coffee machines that she thinks she can fix despite knowing nothing about electronics. She definitely gets a dopamine rush from buying and tends to make impulse decisions. I went with her to look at new cars a few years ago and she literally bought the first car she saw. She wouldn’t even let me take her to some other dealerships.

She doesn’t like going to the dump but maybe that’s more of a psychological aversion, like you suggest. I know she buys a lot of things from charity shops but I don’t know whether she donates to them.

@WoIsMe you need to keep saying no.
You really do.

It may have to be a blanket no.

Nope. My nan was a nightmare for this. EVERY SINGLE TIME I saw her id get some more random white handed over. I miss HER. Not the crap.

Mil is terrible for this, it was worst when she volunteered in a charity shop. The utter crap she’d foist at me…I thought you’d like this! No it’s hideous!

When DH first moved out she gave him two massive holdalls full of china she had no space for. She didn’t even remember he had them.

@WoIsMe I think that people who are not on the receiving end of this - and let's just call it what it is - mental illness - don't realise how emotionally draining it can be.

I've read many, many threads on here about how the OP is enraged by having been given a particularly crap, crass, insulting, inappropriate or just bloody awful present at Christmas.

Imagine being crapgifted day in, day out. In weaker moments one can begin to think, "Is this how my mother sees me? An poor little thing who would be grateful for a half packet of scented pantyliners, her brother's cast off shirt and a broken coffee machine?"

She doesn’t actually think like that, of course but it can get you down.

This is why you don't always have the energy to do any of the, "Easy" disposal options because apart from the physical baggage there's a certain amount of psychological encumbrance too.

I wonder sometimes if as well as the hoarding angle there's a certain amount of controlling behaviour going on as well. Although hoarding is to do with control as well.

In fact, when I've really been on the verge of losing my temper with my mum for going postal again, she starts crying and screaming, "Why can't you let me be close to you? It just lets me be close to you, buying you things!"

All very unhealthy and mixed up but it does make you feel guilty and cruel and I do love her. I love a lot but love ain't 100 bamboo picnic sporks via Royal Mail to mainland Europe.

That figure you mentioned might well be a ‘ Vera ‘ character figure from the Giles Family newspaper cartoon, the baby one as well. They might be worth checking as they are very collectible and may be worth some money.

Midwest Magic Cleaning on Youtube has some interesting insights into the psychology of this kind of thing.

It is a mental illness. It can be triggered by poverty or other trauma. In the UK I don't know if you'd get very far with seeking help for it. Would probably just be the self-referral CBT, which could help somewhat. But I think for it to be helpful, your mum would need to recognise that she actually has a problem and want to change. It's tricky because I'm sure it does come from a loving and well meaning place.

Crapgifted 😂😂😂🤗

I think with my mum she grew up without very much, so can’t get rid of things. And hoards things. Passing them to other people solves this for her. But she can’t give things to charity shops or take them to the tip as she’d view that as wasteful. She dumps stuff on us then makes us feel so guilty we can’t get rid of it.

Omg my mum did this. They were going on holiday so she brought the contents of her fridge over to a family birthday at mine. This included two celery sticks, half a red onion and a quarter of a red pepper. All wilted and unconsumable. Plonked the carrier bag of crap in the middle of the nice buffet I’d spent the morning making 🤦🏽‍♀️
it just gave me an extra job of having to take them out to the compost

OMG an empty ice cream tub of free toothpaste samples from the dentist. She thinks the kids would like them for school trips. Why does she even collect them up in a tub?