To wish my mum would stop trying to give me stuff

[WoIsMe]

For context, I have a large family (four children) and live in a cramped house where we don’t have a lot of space. In recent weeks my mum has tried to give me the following:

1. A huge plate warmer that I don’t have the space to store or anywhere to put when in use. I already own a small plate warmer that fits on top of my microwave AND an electric hostess trolley.
2. Six new plain white pillowcases when I already have complete sets of bedding for every bed in my house plus spares.
3. Three sets of bathroom mats when I already have a set and a spare set for each bathroom.
4. Two net curtains that don’t fit any of the windows in my house.
5. An ice cream maker that she got from the charity shop for £5 before realising the bowl didn’t fit in her freezer. I don’t have much kitchen storage space and I’ve never even aspired to make my own ice cream.
6. A huge electric fire that, again, I don’t have anywhere to put while in use or to store.
7. A large, empty Christmas cake tin. I have no idea why I want that at all, especially in October. I have plenty of storage containers.

I don’t understand why she keeps trying to give me things I don’t need and/or have nowhere to store. Some of them she had lying around but others she has bought specially for me even though I don’t want or need them. I feel bad saying no to her but why does she keep doing it?

So AIBU to wish she would stop trying to give me random items?

Tbh I don't see how it's taking so much time to redistribute, no more time than posting on here about it.

Put stuff outside with a sign saying FREE. If you want take a pic and post that on free cycle group saying " free stuff outside 1 acacia Ave, help yourself"

By she, obviously you must mean OPs mother. The person creating this environmental concern in the first place.

Both of them actually

But not everything gets taken. We did a clear out recently and did this, but while the higher end stuff went we were still left with a lot. Charity shops didn’t want to take it so it went to the dump/recycling.

Is mum internet savvy to list to sell or give away.
Donate these thing's Mum!

Ha! She sounds just like my mum. Especially with the pillow slips and bath mats. We must have the same mum. Good luck OP. I never found a way of dealing with these unnecessary gifts

Where I live, you'd have some council jobsworth on your doorstep within 15 minutes, fining you for flytipping.

Better than just blaming OP I suppose.

But the reality is that what creates the demand for poor quality crap is the person who originally purchases it. And at least some of these things being foisted on OP by her mother are new.

Not every item is necessarily wanted by someone, and even fewer of them are wanted by someone in a realistic enough vicinity that redistributing them doesn't create greater environmental concerns. Telling OP to leave them outside her house certainly doesn't mean an environmentally sound outcome will ensure, neither does Freecycle, and the fault here is with the person who created the problem. The only way in which OP might legitimately be considered to be at fault is that she hasn't refused to accept it in the first place.

my mum does this. There's no point arguing the toss with her so I just say thanks and take it straight to the charity shop.

@HatStickBoots 'a figurine of drippy looking cartoon character blowing her nose and looking miserable while a fat baby cries amongst a cluster of beer bottles'

Horrific. I'm intrigued! 🤣

This is my mum. You can’t go round without her trying to give you something she wants rid of or bought in a charity shop. So stressful when she acts offended when you don’t want it.

I’m glad you say no thank you to some things.

My DM has begun to develop dementia, was diagnosed very early, and she’s started to do this. I’ve taken her age and diagnosis into account and I just say thank you and take the things to either the tip or the charity shop.

My DM isn’t going out and shopping though, or at least very rarely do I sort of look on or as removing things from her home before she dies.

With your DM, yes I think hoarders can start to fill up loved ones homes. Is it something to do with knowing they don’t need it but not being able to part with the item fully?

How is her home? Would you say she’s a hoarder?

It is very much the actions of someone who is a hoarder, and it is very deep rooted.

She obviously can’t bear to let things go, hence she’s passing all of her crap onto you. It’s emotional blackmail when they get upset and offended that you don’t want it.

Be brave and get rid of the lot of it. Personally I would charity it to avoid landfill.

Then kindly but firmly say you don’t want anymore clutter and stand firm.

Maybe spend some time with her , have a conversation without looking at your phone? Maybe meet her for a browse through a charity shop and go for a coffee afterwards. Speaking from experience as the mum, it’s a way of connecting in a world where the phone takes precedence in any conversation. You can barely talk to them so you buy them something because you love them and you’re thinking of them.

Ohh I have a relative that does this- passes on all their junk and thinks I should be grateful!

One time when I mentioned my toaster had broken (and was more than happy to pay the tenner or whatever for a new one which I was planning on doing that week) they said they had a spare they could give me. I thought oh great, finally something useful they are passing on!

Until they went in their garden shed came back 10 minutes later with a dust and filth covered toaster, shook it upside down and I kid you not a load of mouse droppings fell out , then said there you go! I actually took it for fear of offending them, but drove it straight to the tip I mean... who does that and thinks it's normal?!

Yes, they absolutely do (first hand experience!). She may not be a hoarder in the clinical sense, but she’s obviously someone who gets a massive dopamine rush from acquisition and from getting (what she believes is) a bargain.

If she also conversely hates ‘waste’, it leaves her with a constant problem of over accumulation. Too much stuff, and all the guilt, worry, overwhelm and aggro of having to get rid of new or thrifted items you’ve bought but don’t actually want or need, and pressure to clear out stuff you already own in order to create space.

They often have difficulty letting go of things in a way that feels psychologically ok to them, but one of the easiest ways of doing this is to foist it onto family and friends. By presenting your old shite as a lovely gift, it’s very difficult for other people to turn down, and achieves the double whammy of moving stuff on in one easy, guilt-free dump, but also validating your shopping habit. If you can persuade yourself that you’ve bought something with someone else in mind, that they’d find it useful and that you’re only doing it to be kind, then you never have to address your own behaviour. And if someone tries, no matter how nicely, to push back, you can shut it down by being hurt at their ingratitude.

At its root it’s not generosity, it’s selfishness. She wants to carry on buying shit but can only do so indefinitely by forcing other people to facilitate it. The only way to shut it down is to gently but firmly resist it, every time. ‘Thanks mum, but I don’t need it and don’t have room for it, sorry.’ Hold firm, even when the offence and hurt feelings get wheeled out - it’s an easy way of controlling the situation and forcing you to go along with what she wants, but the more you hold the line, the easier it’ll get!

Well her mother clearly doesn't care.
If her mother doesn't want these items then SHE should be the one to recycle/sell/give away/whatever.

She is giving away lol. That's the issue

Thankyou. That's a really well thought out post. The only thing I wonder about, (again from first hand experience) is that, "Can they ever be cured of this?"

Like hoarding in the usual sense, how many times do people have their houses completely deep cleaned and are so happy to be a lovely, easy to maintain space but then six months later or a year later and the junk is piling up again.

I tried everything with my mum and her postal habits but even if it slows down or stops for a bit, it then starts to creep again.

It's an addiction of sorts but a very difficult one because total abstinence from buying anything is impossible. It always has to be a controlled addiction, if you see what I mean?

@Redheadedstepchild, I absolutely agree it’s an addiction, and that’s quite a useful way of dealing with it actually.

If you start to think of accepting stuff (outside of birthdays and Christmas) as facilitating an addiction, it’s much easier to stay firm and let go of your own guilt at saying no.

The big problem when it’s a parent is that you’re highly likely to end up having to deal with it all anyway if you’re sadly left in the position of having to clear their home one day. But I guess it still means it’s not been cluttering up yours in the meantime.

My mum does this but she’s not a hoarder - she grew up poor and is now wealthy but has huge guilt if she buys herself new stuff so she has to aggressively pass the old stuff on to others. If you call her out on it she gets very defensive as she can’t talk about her upbringing at all. The big stuff she foists on us is irritating but relatively easy to get rid of via FB marketplace and Vinted etc. The thing that gives me the rage is the food. She’ll do out her fridge before going on holiday and present me with half a red pepper, half an onion, an open bag of salad and half a pot of cottage cheese and then act hurt when I say this is going straight in the compost. She will also appear with the remnants of a cheese board and left over pudding if she’s had friends over because she can’t possibly eat all that (the competitive under eating is another issue).

But she is giving it to someone who DOESN'T WANT IT.
Do you ever give away stuff to random people and say "your issue now...you deal with it".
I actually have a load of stuff I need to be taken to the charity shop but for me getting to charity shops isn't easy so I have to do it in dribs and drabs which is time consuming but it does usually get done.
So I will tell you what - I will courier it all to you and you can deal with it.
It's mostly books (big heavy hardbacks) and various toys.
Send me your address.
Is that ok?
Because basically that's what the OPs mother is doing.

Feel free to do so

How rude. Did your own mother not teach you any manners?

Actually I won't.
I was being pretty sarcastic.
The point is - you might be happy to/have the space to store a load of heavy hardbacks and the means to then donate/sell/whatever but the OP clearly doesn't.
She doesn't want the items.
She doesn't need the items.
She has no space for the items.
She doesn't want to job of storing and then getting rid of them in an acceptable environmental way.
Her mother simply needs to stop.