I’ve failed raising my ds

[Lastradaleia]

I’m feeling like I dont know what else to do and he’s getting worse and worse

Context - he’s the youngest with a big age gap, when he was about 2 weeks old i found out his dad had been having an affair with a much younger woman who was around the same age as my then stepson (18). I stayed with him but I really struggled to bond with DS due to PND most likely but I wasnt ever diagnosed. He just reminded me of his dad’s affair and we eventually split for good when ds had just turned 2, after i found out about his dad’s debts.

His dad still had contact with him although it did get more sporadic especially when id started a new relationship and he still wanted me back. Contact then stopped when he was 7 because his dad was arrested and accused of a serious offence, the other parents knew and kept their children away from ds even though we weren’t together and i was mostly involved in his schooling and doing all the school runs. We moved a few hours away for a fresh start and we were happy and ds was a sweet little boy

His dad ended up being found not guilty after 2 years, ds was about 9 but contact was still sporadic. Then 6 years ago my dd passed away due to an accident, and I think since then i’ve been softer on him. I also probably didn’t parent him right because I was struggling mentally

He started secondary and he lasted about a term before i deregged him. I z planned to homeschool atleast some parts but he wasn’t very receptive and I was struggling with my mental health, anxiety and depression and I also had agoraphobia which I am now getting help for but a while I didn’t and maybe I neglected ds in some way because he did what he wanted and the years passed and he’s now 16 and he’s awful. I feel like i’ve made it worse because he would smash his phones and to give me peace id get it replaced or fixed because i couldn’t deal with it.

Hes mouthy and regularly swears at me, goes out drinking and smokes cigarettes but i wouldn’t be surprised if he does drugs. I dont know where he goes or who with. He watches really violent porn and when i found it on his phone i tried talking to him about it and he called me a perv, I have put blocks on his phone but he gets around it somehow. He says racist language and is causing issues with a neighbour who overheard it, I don’t share his views/don’t use the language/slurs at all so I don’t know where he’s got it from but he laughs and says it’s not aimed at them but it’s stressing me out. I’m really at a wits end with him, we’ve had yet another argument today over his room being a tip and he told me he’s not my fucking slave and called me a useless bitch for refusing to help him tidy it and find his vape. He’s now gone out

He’s really stressing me out and I know I should’ve done more but I don’t know where to go from here

I haven’t posted every little thing as I don’t want this to be super long

Can you get him back into musical theatre? It sounds like this was great for him. If you are homeschooling can you go back on the facbeook homeschool groups and talk about ideas foe this?

No you cannot put all the blame onto someone who isn’t there . Yes the father should have been present and had an input - but he wasn’t . This doesn’t excuse the mother from parenting … it makes her role even more crucial .

passing off responsibility by blaming another person is a cop Out .

I do think this is worth further exploration OP. He may feel that he has had to “shut down” an aspect of his personality that previously was really important to him.

This, coinciding with the bullying and the other traumatic events in his life has likely contributed to him feeling he isn’t able to be himself and possibly didn’t feel he was being protected and supported by the adults in his life.

I would gently try to explore this with him. Being aware of the high risk of pushback.

@Lastradaleia

Hope today has been a better day.

I’ve read all your replies. Firstly let me begin with sending yours huge virtual hug. Parenting teens and adolescents is hard work, emotional and the scariest rollercoaster to be on. It’s a fact and been scientifically proven their brains are not wired correctly/fully till mid 20’s. So parenting a teen with no trauma is hard but the situation you have both been through will make things difficult.

HOWEVER, and this is not blame or to kick you when you are down nor is it to make you feel shit. There has been failings on your part for whatever reason or despite how much you’ve tried to do your best….failings non the less. And your replies and responses to me come across as defensive and lack accountability. Your son is hurting and lashing out at you and I would put money on he is holding a lot of resentment towards you for whatever reason. I imagine the lack of accountability is bothering him. Now not saying he is correct in how he is feeling but they are his feelings. As a mum we are only human we make mistakes and sometimes our children need reminding we don’t always get it right but it’s how we handle it afterwards. Take accountability because it’s a shit feeling like failure you are not a failure! But you have most definitely made mistakes, with hindsight I’m sure you would do somethings differently but the boy needs you to take ownership instead of making excuses like in this post.

This

A very good reply. I agree with this 100%.

OP you were brave to come and post on here now you have to be brave and turn the failure ( Post title) into achieving something and changing your DS's life around.
Please give early help support a call. You need an advocate to help you turn things around.
Your DS will hold resentment because he is the one who needs the parenting support. Help your DS turn his life around instead of staying at home and being miserable.

I'm thinking of you please be strong, be positive and keep telling yourself you are going to help your DS through this.

I’ve got to be honest, and my DD is 11 so really I have no idea how I’d react, but you need to be tough.

I’ve never claimed benefits so I don’t know how simple it is to move with different council etc, but I’d be seriously looking at moving somewhere far away. Away from whoever these “friends” are. Where does he get money for cigarettes and alcohol? Why do you buy him a new phone if he smashes the old one? Why has he got a sim with data/access to WiFi if he’s behaved like this? Why on earth are you making him toast?!

I would seriously looking at contacting social services or your GP, not to get him carted off somewhere, but because I think they could help both of you. Even if he’s going to be difficult and not talk to them, YOU need support because of the way he is treating you. He’s effectively abusing you. If a partner did this I’d be trying to find ways for you to leave him.

Be firm, be kind, be consistent.