I’ve failed raising my ds

[Lastradaleia]

I’m feeling like I dont know what else to do and he’s getting worse and worse

Context - he’s the youngest with a big age gap, when he was about 2 weeks old i found out his dad had been having an affair with a much younger woman who was around the same age as my then stepson (18). I stayed with him but I really struggled to bond with DS due to PND most likely but I wasnt ever diagnosed. He just reminded me of his dad’s affair and we eventually split for good when ds had just turned 2, after i found out about his dad’s debts.

His dad still had contact with him although it did get more sporadic especially when id started a new relationship and he still wanted me back. Contact then stopped when he was 7 because his dad was arrested and accused of a serious offence, the other parents knew and kept their children away from ds even though we weren’t together and i was mostly involved in his schooling and doing all the school runs. We moved a few hours away for a fresh start and we were happy and ds was a sweet little boy

His dad ended up being found not guilty after 2 years, ds was about 9 but contact was still sporadic. Then 6 years ago my dd passed away due to an accident, and I think since then i’ve been softer on him. I also probably didn’t parent him right because I was struggling mentally

He started secondary and he lasted about a term before i deregged him. I z planned to homeschool atleast some parts but he wasn’t very receptive and I was struggling with my mental health, anxiety and depression and I also had agoraphobia which I am now getting help for but a while I didn’t and maybe I neglected ds in some way because he did what he wanted and the years passed and he’s now 16 and he’s awful. I feel like i’ve made it worse because he would smash his phones and to give me peace id get it replaced or fixed because i couldn’t deal with it.

Hes mouthy and regularly swears at me, goes out drinking and smokes cigarettes but i wouldn’t be surprised if he does drugs. I dont know where he goes or who with. He watches really violent porn and when i found it on his phone i tried talking to him about it and he called me a perv, I have put blocks on his phone but he gets around it somehow. He says racist language and is causing issues with a neighbour who overheard it, I don’t share his views/don’t use the language/slurs at all so I don’t know where he’s got it from but he laughs and says it’s not aimed at them but it’s stressing me out. I’m really at a wits end with him, we’ve had yet another argument today over his room being a tip and he told me he’s not my fucking slave and called me a useless bitch for refusing to help him tidy it and find his vape. He’s now gone out

He’s really stressing me out and I know I should’ve done more but I don’t know where to go from here

I haven’t posted every little thing as I don’t want this to be super long

It's never too late. Especially at 16. Some bridging education and an appropriate mentor could set him on track. He has to be ready to make that effort though.

Are you saying that he has had no education since he was 11? Has had no secondary education whatsoever and he’s now nearly 17?

He is not going to get any help from his mum, and why would he listen to her at this point anyway? And she won’t call social services or anyone else for help. Unfortunately, it may very well be too late given the circumstances are going to continue without change.

The poor lads had no education! What do you expect?

Ah OP this sounds so tough. Teenagers can be awful. I do think you need to try to
talk to him and lay some ground rules down. Take his phone away as a consequence. Is there a make relative in the picture who can act as role model and support you?

Don’t beat yourself up. Kids were never meant to only have one parent, and his dad being a total loser is not your fault. His dad has a lot to answer for.

What is happening about his education now? Is he back in a setting and getting the basic qualifications he needs to get a job?

All is not lost OP - you are doing and saying the right things and some of it will go in.

Relationally, I think there is a huge gap to bridge. Maybe with maturity he will be able to see things from his mother's side, though he may not ever accept the educational neglect (because that's what it was).

My comment was more relating to education. I've helped people in their 30s to overcome gaps in education. It's never too late for that.

I support OP taking her child out of school, given the bullying situation. Even if there was no immediate new school lined up. Unfortunately the first action wasn't to get him into some new form of educational setting. I do wonder if OP wasn't well, so that fell by the wayside?

Regardless, the situation is what it is now and OP needs to get some sort of support in place to help sort things. She clearly can't do it by herself. I've worked with an organisation that would have been great at helping sort the son's and OP's needs in a caring, pragmatic and friendly way. Asking for help isn't something to be scared of.

@Merrybandofpirates have you considered winding your neck in?

Are we supposed to all just pretend that it’s ok to have done this to a child?

If OP had come on here ready to take action, then I’d have supported her and helped. But all she’s really said is “I won’t be involving social services.” And her son really does need some outside involvement here - he needed it a long time ago. He isn’t going to get it.

I'm sure OP didn't want to lose her daughter and have to raise her son alone when his father took off. OP has struggled with a lot of challenges too. At this point, all that can be done is to work from how things are and where they stand in the present. Which is what any support agency will do.

I understand you are scared of social service OP, as you probably picture child protection intervention and losing your son. That doesn't have to be it at all. There are plenty of agencies who will help you take action to make things better. They can't make your son engage but they can support OP with the situation regardless. If the son engages, so much the better. I always found in this kind of work acknowledging feelings and experience was the best start to engaging.

Educationally, it wasn't best what happened for OP's son. She was right to take him away from the bullying though. I suspect OP had personal barriers to getting him into alternative education. No, it's not ideal, OP has acknowledged that, but all is not lost.

I'd encourage OP to come from a point of acknowledging that things haven't been ideal, having compassion for herself for the things she couldn't or didn't do and for her son's experiences, and looking forward rather than backwards.

I am so sorry. You have had a terrible time.

I think it is never too late.

Can you get some help, CAMHS or whatever?

My son is not in the same boat as yours but he did have a lot of time out of education.

He is now 16 and he has started on a programme at a local college of higher education.

Please do not give up. It is never too late.

And it's not too late for you to get help with your own feelings having lost a child. Xxxxx

I wonder if he felt your resentment of his dad's affair through the years. My dd father was a right shit thru my pregnancy and beyond but that is my child. Same age as yours and teens are not easy. Pick and chose your battles wisely and please remember he is your child he is not his father.

Speak to both your Internet provider and phone provider to block the pawn sites. If he smashes his phone don't get him another

He needs a job or education or let him enroll in the army he can't just sit around doing nothing (,or doing as he please) and insulting you

Post covid a lot of young people dropped out of education. It is much more common than people would think.

OP you are not alone.

Please go and see your GP for your mental health and ask for advice for your son.

The poor kid has had one trauma after another.I am not surprised you dont kniw where to start! i think you need professional advice and he needs counselling.

What school? He was deregistered and removed several years ago.

You owe it to him and yourself not to give up. You really need proper help, are there any youth services near you that could be the first port of call?

With no education his options are limited. The army might take him, he badly needs structure and discipline. .

Why on earth should the army take him @Cailin66 ? They're not a rehabilitation organisation.

you and your son have both had a very difficult time.

asking for ideas here is a start, and there will be things out there so now is a good time to reach out and look for help

>> contact Family Lives who can advise you
>> look for Further Education Colleges and ask them if there is anything for him. if he could find a 1 or 2 day a week supported course, that would give something to work towards

if he smashes his phone, don't get him a new one. he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions

Annnd this is how violent misogynistic monsters are created I’m afraid. You really need to stand up to him and implement proper boundaries. He is on an awful trajectory by the sounds of things. You need to get help and support to deal with him. Now is the time for intervention.

I think you have probably left it too late. You have to decide what you are prepared to do and he has to decide what he is willing to do. There has to be consequences or nothing will change. For example will you get help? Will you acknowledge how much time and effort you can really put in, are you willing to continue to provide a home once he turns 18? Will you call the police if you have to. I suspect you will do none of this because it’s something you will not be willing to do. If you want change, you’re going to have to do something different.

Contact all your local further education colleges as soon as possible to see what education he might be able to get. He needs to figure out what he is interested in and attend some courses and participate in a more structured life (get up, dressed, eat, walk or public transport there on time, listen, learn, study etc).
There are kids who have been out of school and join in college and then go on to work. Your focus needs to be on getting him some skills and then employment. Some colleges will have links to help kids like him, with so many challenges and bereavement.
My local FE college allows enrolment onto Level 1 with no GCSEs, for example. They also do plenty of introductory vocational courses. So he needs to have a look and see what interests him and see what practical skills etc he may have. Everyone has some skill and aptitude and areas of strength and interests.

Pick one focus for him OP - working towards getting a job.
Contact local colleges yourself and see what they can offer. Be open about his behaviour and circumstances. They might be able to signpost you to otber support.
Do you have any family who can support you with this?

I think the comments here are brutal questioning the OP’s parenting. Just from this thread, you have both experienced a significant about of trauma and grief which it doesn’t sound like you’ve had any support for whatsoever. I would recommend maybe looking up the adverse childhood experiences research and seeking some professional help for both you and your son.