I’ve failed raising my ds

[Lastradaleia]

I’m feeling like I dont know what else to do and he’s getting worse and worse

Context - he’s the youngest with a big age gap, when he was about 2 weeks old i found out his dad had been having an affair with a much younger woman who was around the same age as my then stepson (18). I stayed with him but I really struggled to bond with DS due to PND most likely but I wasnt ever diagnosed. He just reminded me of his dad’s affair and we eventually split for good when ds had just turned 2, after i found out about his dad’s debts.

His dad still had contact with him although it did get more sporadic especially when id started a new relationship and he still wanted me back. Contact then stopped when he was 7 because his dad was arrested and accused of a serious offence, the other parents knew and kept their children away from ds even though we weren’t together and i was mostly involved in his schooling and doing all the school runs. We moved a few hours away for a fresh start and we were happy and ds was a sweet little boy

His dad ended up being found not guilty after 2 years, ds was about 9 but contact was still sporadic. Then 6 years ago my dd passed away due to an accident, and I think since then i’ve been softer on him. I also probably didn’t parent him right because I was struggling mentally

He started secondary and he lasted about a term before i deregged him. I z planned to homeschool atleast some parts but he wasn’t very receptive and I was struggling with my mental health, anxiety and depression and I also had agoraphobia which I am now getting help for but a while I didn’t and maybe I neglected ds in some way because he did what he wanted and the years passed and he’s now 16 and he’s awful. I feel like i’ve made it worse because he would smash his phones and to give me peace id get it replaced or fixed because i couldn’t deal with it.

Hes mouthy and regularly swears at me, goes out drinking and smokes cigarettes but i wouldn’t be surprised if he does drugs. I dont know where he goes or who with. He watches really violent porn and when i found it on his phone i tried talking to him about it and he called me a perv, I have put blocks on his phone but he gets around it somehow. He says racist language and is causing issues with a neighbour who overheard it, I don’t share his views/don’t use the language/slurs at all so I don’t know where he’s got it from but he laughs and says it’s not aimed at them but it’s stressing me out. I’m really at a wits end with him, we’ve had yet another argument today over his room being a tip and he told me he’s not my fucking slave and called me a useless bitch for refusing to help him tidy it and find his vape. He’s now gone out

He’s really stressing me out and I know I should’ve done more but I don’t know where to go from here

I haven’t posted every little thing as I don’t want this to be super long

As a teacher and a parent of three children, I am always in awe of a parent who steps up to homeschooling - how did that work out for you?
I just about manage to support with homework after doing a day in the classroom with 31 pupils. I spent 4 years in teacher training and I struggle with my own. So I’d love to know how others without that training or that day with 31 of other peoples’ children manage homeschooling..,,

You’ve both had a really tough time and I think the fact you’re here saying enough is a sign you’re mentally in a place for change.

lonely boys with no education really do struggle and that lack of confidence often comes out as anger. That said, it can turn around.

when he shouts at you, walk away, put the kettle on and ignore him. Say once, I’ll speak with you when you stop shouting. Then stand firm and ignore. Literally say nothing. If he’s violent, call the police.

ask him, can we sit down and chat after lunch. No lecture, just ask him what’s his dream job? What kind of adult does he hope to be? So you can help him to make a plan to get there. If he refuses to engage, keep the door open. Stay calm, no matter how angry he gets. Say okay, well I’m here if you want to talk and I’m here to support when you’re ready. Tell him you love him.

the reality is, he’s not 5. You can’t pick him up and drag him to college. You can say you’re there, you care, but you will no longer be shouted at. He wants certain biscuits? Ask nicely and they will come on the next shop, shout and they will not be in there. It’s not an argument and just because he shouts, you do not have to.

I really hope you find a charity that can support.

Life isn't always as simple as people on here think, is it OP. Yes, action should have been taken earlier, but I also understand the impact of your poor mental health on your ability to do that.

There are loads of resources for lads like your son. Too be blunt, prisons are full of men who started this way, so there's a lot of effort made to try to support teens to find another path. There's a government project called Turn Around for boys exactly in this situation. There's a lot of charities also doing this work. Many county specific projects. Start looking at these rather than colleges. They have lots of experience with lads who initially won't engage.
A random example - https://wildernessfoundation.org.uk/turnaround-project/

He is not in education and he is not in sport since he was 13… you are right,,. You have failed him.

Sorry if this has been said, but it needs saying (again) he absolutely needs therapy. It is non negotiable at this stage. He is an angry young man with many problems. These problems will only get worse with time and without help. School, sports, tidy rooms, gaming whatever can all be lax, but on the proviso that he must do therapy. You may have to pay privately. He is deeply unhappy. You haven’t failed you still have a chance to help him before adulthood.

Here's the thing OP. We blame ourselves for our kids. And although there are some things that harm kids, and we have to be accountable, you don't sound like that. You sound like a caring, concerned parent.

Whilst we control some of the influences on our kids, and make some of the important decisions, we don't control all of it. With teenagers we're the enemy and they want to do the opposite of what we say. We need endless patience but we don't always have a bottomless pit of empathy when our kids are being little sh1ts. And they do behave like that.

Increasingly in a world of online media we have no clue what they're being told or influenced to believe. In extreme examples teenagers of moderate parents get radicalised or groomed.

You sound exhausted, and to an extent, traumatised, by a difficult life, with a horrible ex, and some heartbreaking life events to deal with. I'm guessing he's the same. And whilst its easy for third parties to blame, and to say get therapy, get support, too often these aren't available at the right time or of the quality/quantity needed.

What I'm trying to say is - you've not failed. 😔 You've dealt with a very difficult hand in life, and that's not been your fault. Instead, you've been there for your son when no-one else was. You've done your best. Be kind to yourself, and hang in there. Your son is angry at life and he has no idea why.

My dd had a charmed life in some ways. She was loved, cherished even. A huge loving family and a good school, no shortage of care. She still developed anorexia, and then self-harmed. She had deep depressions which led to her living in her bedroom for almost a year. We did everything we could to help and support her, but at 17 she had decided we were her problem and her enemy, moved out, and cut contact with us for a short while. It broke my heart then and there is part of me that broke amd feels like it can never heal.

The reason I'm telling you this is that I went through every form of self blame and recrimination. But it simply wasn't my fault. She has a genetic predisposition to depression and mental health issues, maybe caused by autism, or maybe just unlucky. An unlucky combination of genes. My other daughter has appreciated everything she has, and think we have given her a charmed life.

You sound exhausted, and no wonder. I feel like you need to work on some form of "putting your own oxygen mask first" before you can help your son. I wonder if there are any carers support centres near you, or even womens centres. There is a Facebook group for parents of kids with MH issues.

OP I am sorry so many people on this thread have kicked you when you are down. Please take note of the ones offering support and suggestions and ignore the others. You have been trying to do the work of two parents all while being in a place where you could have done with support but got none.
Mumsnet is often a bear pit these days.

She didn’t home school him. She pulled him out of school, didn’t home school him
and now he is 16 without having had any secondary school education.

She stated that she deregistered him and planned to homeschool him… (did you miss that) but she didn’t …hence, I asked, how did that work out? She failed him.m. No education. No sport…
Nobody said this stuff was easy 🙃

Here are a few phone numbers that may well help you, they are all very good. They are free and everything is confidential
Family Helpline 0808 802 5544
Family Action Line 0808 802 6666
Family Life's Action Helpline 0808 800 2222
They are very good and they will help you. I am so sorry you are going through such a bad time. Good luck

I agree with this...

I agree especially with the part your DS is acting out because of his past, I believe he's hurting. And struggling with his emotions.
Unfortunately his childhood hasn't been a happy one and he can't just magically become a happy person now without some kind of support.

It must have been hard for him to see you with mental health problems and very little contact with his father. Especially getting bullied, that must have been really terrible for him, mentally and emotionally. It must have been scary. I would feel hatred towards the people that did that, your DS must be feeling the same.

I hope he can find an interest to focus on something that can make his future brighter.
He needs some kind of qualifications inorder to find a job he can enjoy doing. He didn't deserve all this that happened to him.
OP life has been cruel but I hope you find a way through this, please carry on looking for some support for yourself and your DS.

Why are you asking how it worked out? You know. She didn’t homeschool home school him. I didn’t miss what she said. You did as you’re the one saying that you’re in awe.

OP, when you try to talk about any of this stuff with him, don’t sit across for him and require his undivided attention. Teen boys don’t communicate like that.

You are much better off talking whilst driving, walking, hanging out the washing, kicking a ball etc. They need to be doing stuff and not looking at you to open up. Sometimes I just hang in DS’s room whilst he’s gaming and I’m scrolling on MN. We have a natter about his school day, stuff he’s worried about etc without looking at each other and whilst we’re both pretending to be focusing on something else.

Please try to get help for your son and yourself. You describe him as having neurodivergant traits. It is certainly not too late.

"I am going to try the gp again tomorrow"

Good luck @Lastradaleia

I hope the visit is helpful.

Please look in your area and see if there are any NEET or EET services.

NEET stands for Not in Education, Employment, or Training. It is a classification used mainly for young people aged 16 to 24.

I know there are negative comments on the thread but I hope you can make a note of any comments/phone numbers or websites which could be of use.

It's not too late and you are not alone.

1. draw a line at him being abusive towards you. swearing into the void, whatever, he will grow out of that.

2. for the love of god stop talking yourself down, that is just an endless downward spiral

3. do some research into the available options for him, and encourage him to want better for himself in life. Take him along to things.

Its not really any more complicated than that . I would also suggest having some honesty conversations with him - go for a walk or do an activity side by side and start at the beginning with doing some work in creating a timeline of his life so far, key events that happened around him.

In awe of anyone thinking they could successfully do this ...
Unless OP trained as a teacher. There's a reason we go to teacher training college ...
you wouldn't decide to surgically operate on your child, unless you were trained...

@Lookatheskies has some excellent advice - personally i'd drop him off at the army college that takes them from 16.

Ignore the nasty comments above. It sounds as if you have had a very difficult life and who of the posters above knows if they would have done any better in the circumstances you've experienced.

Anyway, this is the time to be looking ahead, not behind, while recognising the problems you have both had.. It is not too late to change things but it is going to take work and you are going to need support. The good news is that there is support out there for you and for you. Please Google support services for teenage boys (charities) to see what is available in your area, then make contact with them. See what they suggest and act on the advice you get. One step at a time, and you may be surprised where it leads.

Despite all the problems, he is still your child and you are still his mum. He takes things out on you because you are the constant in his life and his safe person to be obnoxious to. He needs your help more than ever now. You can do this, OP!

PS you mentioned that he used to be interested in music and drama. Are there any courses in music/drama at entry level at colleges in your area? I know of teenagers with challenges (including autism) who have gone down this road and are not only enjoying it in itself but also benefiting from it as a route into further education and employment. It also gives them all sorts of skills, confidence and self esteem useful for day-to-day life. He might not be ready for it this year but perhaps it might be something to aim for?

I’m so sorry you’ve had a terrible time. Allowing your ds to leave school at such a young age was not the best choice, he needs a parent not a friend, as difficult as that is. Be the parent and as others have said speak to him in the car ask him what he wants from life like a nice home of his own, a loving partner, kids, a good job and guide him on the steps to get there. He’s at a disadvantage with his education but this can be corrected if he’s willing. I would call his last school and ask what options are available not necessarily within that school and use that as a starting point for your research, you have an opportunity to help him now, take it.

OP, after reading everything, what do you intend to do?

I feel so sorry for you and him too. Just keep trying, keep talking to him, tell him you love him, you can see all this potential him in and know he can have a happy and successful life but that to do that he needs to do something productive- starting with a college course or looking for a job. (College course much easier to get than a job in this climate) It doesn’t need to be the perfect course but it needs to be something. What does he see himself doing? What does he want his life to look like?

Tell him you’re both in this together, you’re on his side. I had some issues with school refusal and then college non attendance and it’s so hard and you’re very limited in what you can do with teen boys as a single parent but mine is now 18 and on his 3rd college and finally knuckling down!

I had good advice from my mum- the school refusal had started in year 7- she said it’s like a dripping tap- just keep going with the positive messages- we all need to have routine and structure and something to aim for in order to have a good a happy life. You love him etc and want him to have ambitions for himself because it would be a waste of his talents not to etc etc. It may not look like like they’re listening but you just hope some of it is sinking in.

I didn’t have these issues with my younger 2- and I suspect there is some undiagnosed adhd or possibly even high functioning autism with my eldest- he also had a lot of anxiety but is much better now.

I hope you manage to get through to your son. You will have to be strong. I hope you look after yourself too.

I think there are a few things you can do. Someone above said he has nothing to look forward to day after day after day. I think that is a very valid point. Can you start going for a day trip somewhere, just because? Get out of the house, in the sunshine and fresh air and move. Outdoor walks / beaches etc are free, it just costs to get there. Get a bit of purpose and a reason to get out of bed.

I've no idea how you will fix his lack of education. It's going to be very limiting for him. It may have to wait until he's in his 20s and decides himself to go back to school and catch up. He'll be seeing his peers progressing and not be able to do the same, which may be where some of his anger is coming from.

For starters, there's not 31 children.

You can lead a horse to water ...

Therapy would be great but you can't make him go and, if you get him there, you can't make him engage. He can have the option for when he is ready though.