I’ve failed raising my ds

[Lastradaleia]

I’m feeling like I dont know what else to do and he’s getting worse and worse

Context - he’s the youngest with a big age gap, when he was about 2 weeks old i found out his dad had been having an affair with a much younger woman who was around the same age as my then stepson (18). I stayed with him but I really struggled to bond with DS due to PND most likely but I wasnt ever diagnosed. He just reminded me of his dad’s affair and we eventually split for good when ds had just turned 2, after i found out about his dad’s debts.

His dad still had contact with him although it did get more sporadic especially when id started a new relationship and he still wanted me back. Contact then stopped when he was 7 because his dad was arrested and accused of a serious offence, the other parents knew and kept their children away from ds even though we weren’t together and i was mostly involved in his schooling and doing all the school runs. We moved a few hours away for a fresh start and we were happy and ds was a sweet little boy

His dad ended up being found not guilty after 2 years, ds was about 9 but contact was still sporadic. Then 6 years ago my dd passed away due to an accident, and I think since then i’ve been softer on him. I also probably didn’t parent him right because I was struggling mentally

He started secondary and he lasted about a term before i deregged him. I z planned to homeschool atleast some parts but he wasn’t very receptive and I was struggling with my mental health, anxiety and depression and I also had agoraphobia which I am now getting help for but a while I didn’t and maybe I neglected ds in some way because he did what he wanted and the years passed and he’s now 16 and he’s awful. I feel like i’ve made it worse because he would smash his phones and to give me peace id get it replaced or fixed because i couldn’t deal with it.

Hes mouthy and regularly swears at me, goes out drinking and smokes cigarettes but i wouldn’t be surprised if he does drugs. I dont know where he goes or who with. He watches really violent porn and when i found it on his phone i tried talking to him about it and he called me a perv, I have put blocks on his phone but he gets around it somehow. He says racist language and is causing issues with a neighbour who overheard it, I don’t share his views/don’t use the language/slurs at all so I don’t know where he’s got it from but he laughs and says it’s not aimed at them but it’s stressing me out. I’m really at a wits end with him, we’ve had yet another argument today over his room being a tip and he told me he’s not my fucking slave and called me a useless bitch for refusing to help him tidy it and find his vape. He’s now gone out

He’s really stressing me out and I know I should’ve done more but I don’t know where to go from here

I haven’t posted every little thing as I don’t want this to be super long

People do it successfully all the time. But they do have to do it.

I hope you get some good feedback that will help at the GP tomorrow, OP.

I'm going to bet a significant part of this all is his father. Parental rejection is huge.

Yes its your fault. No matter what happened in your life you have failed him. His awful behaviour can't be fixed just by suddenly turning authoritarian but it doesn't sound like you have the spine to stand up to him anyway.
Everyone seems to be glossing over the whole death of his sibling or have I read that wrong?
Your boy is crying out for help and probably has been all his teenage years. Has he no other family that can help him (not his father)? Is there some compassionate calm person who won't get pushed around who can help?
He needs therapy. Probably you do too.

But i just noticed he refused therapy. You're going to need some shock tactics. Something massive and unexpected.
Like I dunno, a week living in the wilderness with nothing at all, no escape from each other, survival style boot camp where if you live you are forced to communicate, work together, find shelter, cook, eat, talk, apologise, cry
Make him understand that's he's not a massive disappointment to you, you are a massive disappointment to yourself. He needs some means to live without you, tell him you want to help fix it but you need his cooperation
Good Luck

Are you part of a home school community? Are there people there you can talk to?

The Army is not a place for this boy, none of his psychological needs will be met and he will be trained for one purpose, under extreme pressure, which you need to have the emotional resilience to deal with. You only need to look at the news articles relating to the way recruits are trained/treated in the army to see this would probably just add to the trauma he already has. Yes it may train him to be obedient but it will not solve the core underlying issues. I have seen the outcome of troubled boys joining the army and coming out the other side, they often have worse issues coming out than going in.

Yet so many of us do home educate successfully. I always find it amusing when teachers feel like some strangers choice to home educate is a personal slight against them, my choice to home educate is really not about you or any other teacher.

If your reading comprehension is up to scratch you well know that OP is not a home educator because her son has not been receiving an education. Did you miss the in-depth discussion over multiple pages on this thread about it? He would be considered a ghost child, an issue which has been widely covered in the press and also includes children who are on a school roll.
So you either totally missed it or you are just someone who lacks any understanding or empathy and wanted to have a dig at the OP without offering any kind of advice. Either way it isn’t a great look for a teacher.

OP I hope the GP is able to point you towards some help today.

TeenLifeMum · Yesterday 22:38
"You’ve both had a really tough time and I think the fact you’re here saying enough is a sign you’re mentally in a place for change.
lonely boys with no education really do struggle and that lack of confidence often comes out as anger. That said, it can turn around."

OP please pick out the kind replies and get your DS some help. I agree with the above reply, as your DS was bullied at school, other kids have been very unkind to him. Since DS wasn't attending school he is very Lonely and with no education he is struggling with his emotions.
It does really hurt when your child is going through this inner trauma. Within himself he is a child crying out for help. Look for charities that can help him. Get him enrolled onto an adult course to get some basic qualifications. If he can find some work experience/ volunteering work.
This may help his confidence.
Oxfam and Barnadoes take on volunteers.
He is going to really struggle because he's got into a routine just doing nothing and just drinking, I think he's using the drinking to cope.

OP this really needs a lot of effort to turn your son's life around.

Children need their parents support and encouragement to feel happy about themselves and move forward. Unfortunately the schooling has been missing from his life, aswell, its effected his social skills, he's got no qualifications.
It's not your fault. This is his father's fault, he should have stepped up and helped out.

OP remember this isn't your fault and forget thinking like this because it won't help your mental health. Move forward with a goal in mind and that is to improve your DS's life.
I dearly hope you achieve that, no child deserves an unhappy childhood.
This life is cruel with set backs,so it will take time to support your DS but carry on trying.

The main problem is getting some help to start with, you just get put on a waiting list for everything. I will come back with an organisation name and number that you can refer yourself to please call them up and ask for help.
I truly hope you can turn this situation around, wishing you all the best.
I am a single parent and if my parents and family hadn't supported me, I don't know how I would have coped. Just thinking about it makes me tearful. Please be strong, seek help and support, don't struggle on your own.

OP get some help from Early Help support.
0808 802 6666.
Your GP surgery should offer some support aswell.

Can I very tentatively mention he has raised his sexuality previously in terms of bullying? Is he not accepting of himself and thus adding to his anger?

OP, I know it’s hard but you have to listen to the advice given about reaching out to your local authority - social services and early help can advise you. The GP cannot do anything. This is not primarily about mental health (although he is likely to be suffering). It is primarily that he is suffering due to no routine, purpose and the poor relationship that has formed with you. There are programmes to help with this. You have said he won’t engage right now but unfortunately the hard work starts with you, not him. You have to make changes that help him want to make changes. The GP cannot do anything, as you already know. Call Early help (help before statutory social services) and google your ‘local offer’ or call social care and they will ensure you are signposted to the right support. There are programmes for you, mentoring for your son etc.
You have been through so much and it must be so hard, but only you can make a difference now and you have to for his and your sake because you both deserve better.

He came out as bisexual when he was about 10 so i’m unsure tbh. At school it was definitely homophobic related as they would call him gay and things as an insult when he wasn’t out to anyone at school (it was just some family) it was mainly to do with him liking musical theatre and being involved in the drama group but the school were useless regarding that

Very harsh but probably true. I just hope the OP is willing to put in the hard work to turn things around and not just seek easy answers that don't exist, or someone (the state) to do it all for her.

This. Time for pity party to end, action needs to be taken now.

With that information also i think there could be a lot of suppressed emotion alongside everything else that has happened. He carries a lot on his shoulders.

I worked in musical theatre and went out with a fair few hunky men who also worked in it, it does not mean all men are gay who do. Imagine giving up something you loved because you were confused and angry. Then on top of that dealing with everything you have described.

I think a good move forwards would be to get a job, model behaviours. He is seeing you stay at home so he mirrors this behaviour. I know you worry about what he would do when you are gone but currently its stale mate. Better yourself and set that example. See what happens

I wonder why you are so negative?
I am of the impression if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all and especially replying to a thread to make someone feel worser than they are already feeling.
The fact that OP has come on here speaks volumes that OP does want to help her son.

It's not true that, this can't be turned around. There's lots of fact stories where children have been helped to turn their lives around and it takes just one human to show some genuine kindness to make a difference in a persons life.
Liz Murray and many more are just examples of this.

OP can help her DS. She needs to stay strong and motivated. She is going to turn her sons life around just to prove that it can be done.
OP stay strong, do this for the future of your son.

OP in order to help your DS you need to stay well yourself. Aswell as staying on any medication you have been given by your GP, look into some vitamin supplements. Vitamin deficiencies can help women's health. Iron and Vitamin B complex are important for female health. Vitamin D is also essential to help our wellbeing. Blood tests only show border line results.

Taking vitamins will be helpful.
I have found Feroglobin helpful as it is a gentle supplement.
I am thinking of you and I wish you all the best.

I hope OP doesn't give up.
How on earth can you move forward and achieve something if you give up.
OP your DS deserves better.
It really makes me sad to think that you will do nothing.

Your son can't carry on staying at home doing nothing. He needs to gain some confidence again and make something of his life and you need to help him with that.
Make a start with him getting him some voluntary work/work experience.
Let him socialise with other people and then move on and find something he enjoys.
There was nothing wrong with liking drama, the children at school have been nasty and cruel to him.
Yet the continued with their lives and your DS suffered.
If your DS was not going to school you could have sent him to tuition instead.
Please OP do everything you can to improve his quality of life now.

100% true.
I've seen people in mental trauma after coming out of the army. I was told they can't sleep at night.
Joining the army would be like another punishment.

OP, sorry haven't been able to read full thread, have read your messages and dipped into other posts. Don't want to read and run, you have my sympathy, it all sounds very hard and overwhelming.

There's a depressing amount of judgment on here when you were already quite self-critical in your original post. I won't add to that - two of my kids have MH issues, both have at times been vile to me over long periods, I'm not competing for 'mum of the year' medals. Why do people think it's appropriate to post self-congratulatory statements about their home schooling here? Bizarre.

Unsurprisingly, I don't have a solution either, but some observations. Firstly, it is terribly demoralising when children are consistently unpleasant to you and you needn't blame yourself if you feel upset, frustrated and snappy in response. Take a deep breath.

But somehow, even for your own sake, you've got to reconnect to the fact that you're family and you care about each other. I suspect that this is easier to do if you get proper time away from your son. Can you do that? Go for a walk, a drive, a coffee (even if a lone one)? Your son may find you less irritating if you're around less. Try to reduce the noise in your own head.

Further, while, once again, it's odd that so many people here just say 'call ss' considering that there is no shortage of threads that show ss to be supremely useless in many cases, it does sound like you need some sort of institutional help.

In my experience, the chances that mental health/social service professionals were actually helpful were 50% at best. But if you do find someone who is well-informed and committed, it's a godsend. If you're scared of social services 'proper' (which it sounds like) then maybe try Citizens' Advice first? Or even call women's aid/a domestic violence helpline, given your son's aggression (verbal aggression counts too)?

You need someone who can help you explore options to lower tensions at home, keep yourself and your son safe and get your son back into some kind of social/educational context. A friend of mine took a training course in something called 'forest school' last year: programmes to let children learn in nature. Random, I know, but perhaps something to try? Or less randomly, are there drama groups that he could join? Clearly, that interested him.

You've got to look after yourself to look after him, so take distance if you need it, but keep at it. My oldest is 19 now and things are less bad than they were when she was 17. Your son is still young and you have a lot of time to not-fail him ahead. All the best.

I agree with the people who say that you should find yourself a job. Being at home all the time makes you a target for your son, and it’s not a good role model either. I can understand how worried you are about him, would you consider moving back to where you used to work and have friends be an option? A fresh start for both of you.

The Op has given up on herself and her son.

It’s wrong to blame the present parent who has been doing the job of two people. The blame is on the absent parent who did nothing in raising their child