I’ve failed raising my ds

[Lastradaleia]

I’m feeling like I dont know what else to do and he’s getting worse and worse

Context - he’s the youngest with a big age gap, when he was about 2 weeks old i found out his dad had been having an affair with a much younger woman who was around the same age as my then stepson (18). I stayed with him but I really struggled to bond with DS due to PND most likely but I wasnt ever diagnosed. He just reminded me of his dad’s affair and we eventually split for good when ds had just turned 2, after i found out about his dad’s debts.

His dad still had contact with him although it did get more sporadic especially when id started a new relationship and he still wanted me back. Contact then stopped when he was 7 because his dad was arrested and accused of a serious offence, the other parents knew and kept their children away from ds even though we weren’t together and i was mostly involved in his schooling and doing all the school runs. We moved a few hours away for a fresh start and we were happy and ds was a sweet little boy

His dad ended up being found not guilty after 2 years, ds was about 9 but contact was still sporadic. Then 6 years ago my dd passed away due to an accident, and I think since then i’ve been softer on him. I also probably didn’t parent him right because I was struggling mentally

He started secondary and he lasted about a term before i deregged him. I z planned to homeschool atleast some parts but he wasn’t very receptive and I was struggling with my mental health, anxiety and depression and I also had agoraphobia which I am now getting help for but a while I didn’t and maybe I neglected ds in some way because he did what he wanted and the years passed and he’s now 16 and he’s awful. I feel like i’ve made it worse because he would smash his phones and to give me peace id get it replaced or fixed because i couldn’t deal with it.

Hes mouthy and regularly swears at me, goes out drinking and smokes cigarettes but i wouldn’t be surprised if he does drugs. I dont know where he goes or who with. He watches really violent porn and when i found it on his phone i tried talking to him about it and he called me a perv, I have put blocks on his phone but he gets around it somehow. He says racist language and is causing issues with a neighbour who overheard it, I don’t share his views/don’t use the language/slurs at all so I don’t know where he’s got it from but he laughs and says it’s not aimed at them but it’s stressing me out. I’m really at a wits end with him, we’ve had yet another argument today over his room being a tip and he told me he’s not my fucking slave and called me a useless bitch for refusing to help him tidy it and find his vape. He’s now gone out

He’s really stressing me out and I know I should’ve done more but I don’t know where to go from here

I haven’t posted every little thing as I don’t want this to be super long

In my area early help would undertake an intervention, such as, visits from a family support worker to guide, signpost and make an action plan. There would also be access to triple p which could be helpful. It sounds like the OP doesn't know where to start so I think early help would be ideal.

No one is saying he should go into care!
Youre asking for help. Does he have any qualifications at all? You need to take a deep breath and start investigating what you can do for him. You need to try and get signposted to as many people as possible! Sure he’ll be mad but doing absolutely nothing since he was 13 looks like you don’t give. A fuck! Fight. For. Him.

I completely agree. There are worse things than being told youre a shir parent op. Your son actually needs you.

Yep you have caused this with your issues affecting him and your parenting

Precisely. She's reaping what shes sown and will be first to speak up for him when he commits some horrible crime in society.

It’s a bit unclear but the OP means ‘a Level One course’ (GCSEs are Level Two courses, for context, so something like Functional Skills) rather than ‘A Level - one course’.

I can see she was in an awful situation but it makes me sad she’s waited all this time to try and do something. You can’t moan you have to be trying to do absolutely everything.

That ship has long sailed. What OP and DS need now is help not criticism. What help is there now?

I see what you’re saying, it just sounds like she’s given up. He’s only 16.

I'm really sorry to hear that. My heart breaks for both of you. There really is very little support from school or social services these days. Since he's nearly 17, what's his plans for future? Could he get a part time job? I had a horrible divorce and my sons really suffered as a result. Youngest one used drugs and I was besides myself. Now, he's 20 and is working and things are much calmer. Try talking to him when he's relaxed and when you're for example driving somewhere (remember, boys don't like eye contact, especially at that age). Pick your battles, keep yourself calm and your voice especially. Don't blame, say "I feel..." Ask what he feels, and what he would like to happen. Ask him what he thinks would help you two get along better in the future. I wish you all the best.

Well, how would you feel if your daughter had died and you had had all these other experiences on top? Suicidal perhaps? Let's try to be helpful and less judgemental. I find people here say idiotic things like "I would never put up with this in my house" or "oh, she seems to have given up" when you have NO IDEA what a person has gone through! And you have nothing like it going on in your perfect little lives. You may have other things going on, but clearly nothing dramatic, otherwise you might be a little softer in your comments!

Let's hope your children will always be perfect.

Those who are just telling the OP off are not helping.

but Loudwriter has expressed things very well.

"However, I do think to move forward it will be important that the narrative changes in her head from what she has been through and how tough this situation is for her now, to what her son has been through and what he hasn't had in his life."

I agree with you you.

There are lots of things that need to change and you have expressed it very well. OP there is lots of good support on this thread so please do keep reading.

Very helpful, not.

Contact was stopped because his dad was in prison before he went on trial. I didnt stop it for no reason. Then he was found not guilty and contact did resume but he wasn’t consistent and that wasn’t down to me either. He now lives abroad so doesn’t see ds, are you saying i made him move abroad too?

We moved because ds was isolated at his primary school by other children whose parents didn’t want them having anything to do with ds after his dad was arrested, due to the nature of the crime. I didn’t move just because I fancied it. I actually had a good job I enjoyed in our previous area and friends etc.

Can I ask how you know there is no support? You’re probably right about him not wanting to engage but you don’t know unless you try and at the very least you could get advice/support. Every area of the country is different however there is multiple charities, support services and mentor programmes out there and child services (social services) would be best places to point you in the right direction for your son and yourself.

Gosh OP sorry for what you have been through. Good to keep in mind a lot of women on here are genuinely vile people and enjoy nothing more than bullying others, it's very embarassing for them and I really don't know why they continue to do so. Clearly they have their own mental issues they need to work through as half the things I've read on this thread are a disgrace to someone needing support.

I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through and don't blame you for how you went about things given the circumstances. I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years and get that at times you do whatever is easiest to get by mentally more than anything, even when it's not the best choice to make.

What I will say is that instead of focusing on the past you need to shift your attention to the future. You have already begun to do so by recognising things need to change. You are very hung up on what you have been through and it is a LOT. Sounds like you got no support and I'm really sorry because I know what that's like. However, maybe now focus your attention on your what your son has been through. You have done the best you could to support him with your own struggles, but you need to up it a few notches now. The violent porn is really the biggest issue for me here as it is indicative of the type of man he will turn into. I would restrict Internet access altogether until this stops. He breaks his phone then you do not replace it. I know it is hard for you mentally but it will be harder in future if you keep kicking the can down the road. You need to take no prisoners with him regarding the behaviour, and contact social services even if to just be signposted to places where you both can receive support.

The biggest take away from this that I got was that it seems he is in position of parent, not you. You say he refuses to go to school, he calls you a useless bitch if you don't help him, etc, etc. It seems to me like you believe him. You need to remember he is technically a child and mentally definitely so and is acting out because of his past. He is verbally abusive to you, you provide a consequence. Every single time. No phone, no money to go out, no WiFi, etc etc.

You ask him to do a chore and he doesn't? Same approach. Restrict access to what should be reward.

It would be good to make him start working for things if he wants them as well. He should not just simply receive money to go out and buy this and that. He needs to clean X room, he needs to X chore, he needs to do the shopping with you, whatever.

Simultaneously don't lose sight of the underlying cause. How close are you to him? Do you have good days? You need to speak to him. Rebuild a special bond. Tell him, don't ask him, that you're both going out to do something together. With time he will open up to you, let you in, and you could get through to him.

I don't think it's too late for you. I think you just have a lot of years of parenting to catch up on - which should NOT just be your responsibility, and anyone here acting as if it was on you to solely parent him because your ex cheated and had mad debts etc is simply stupid - but unfortunately as your ex is awful it is your responsibility. We all take that risk when having kids. Catching up on those years will not be easy but it's entirely necessary in order to get your son back and reach a new normal with him.

Get signposted for help, follow up on it, and change your parenting style completely. I'm sorry OP I know it's horrible to go through and you have been through so much already. But so has he. Get through this to heal together. Wishing you the best of luck.

My aunt also did this after her divorce and her son was struggling. Moved to the other end of the country. Found him a vocational school that he thrived in. He now runs a huge construction company.

OP I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. But your son needs you and you're going to have to get tough now. It sounds like you both need professional help.

I didn’t see her daughter had died 😢 I actually have a lot going on. A few things touched a nerve I guess.

I have to say this is one of the best responses I’ve read. You’ve worded things very well and I agree with you.
i just hope OP takes the advice - it will be a hard fight, but that’s what you have to deal with if you want to win the fight.
I send you my best wishes OP, for both you and your son.

And this is why Local authorities/ Social services should have legal oversight of 'home education'. Not in order to tell parents how they should educate their kids, but to check that the parent(s) are well enough to be doing it.

What a mess, and what a sad situation. Not sure how he comes back from this.

It takes a village to raise a child. Village consists of father, mother, grandparents, aunties, uncles, friends, neighbours. OP are you saying you had no one at all who could have helped/ advised you all these years? Or did you think they had no business poking into your affairs and possibly go nc with them?
at 16, I’m afraid, it’s almost too late. Even teenage boys with relatively normal upbringings and family lives tend to rebel at this stage, so I’m not sure you can turn this around without a lot of grit and firmness which you don’t seem to have yet. I also worry that he’s likely to get violent when you try to implement any boundaries because you’ve never been firm with him so he will not be willing to cooperate. I would recommend insisting on college or you stop paying his phone bill as a start. I wish you luck. We could do with one less aggressive young men on the streets.

We aren’t that close and tbh no we don’t really have good days, we just have days where he shouts less and doesn’t go out god knows where. When he wakes up I know that he’s in a bad mood and that it won’t be a good day. Yesterday I made him toast and woke him uo and he shouted at me and told me to fuck off and leave him alone, then he was angry because we didn’t have the biscuits he wanted even though he’s the only one who eats the ones he wanted but he said i should’ve known and got more.

Today he hasn’t really shouted but i still can’t have a proper conversation with him.

I am going to try the gp again tomorrow

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Even though I don't have any advice, I feel sad that you are in this situation and struggling.
It can't be easy for your DS either.
It does appear he hasn't had a happy childhood either, with everything that has been happening around him, especially with the bullying aswell.
Life can be so cruel.
However I do hope that you come across some helpful advice. I hope that you and your DS come through this and manage to have a good relationship with each other, with some understanding.