I’ve failed raising my ds

[Lastradaleia]

I’m feeling like I dont know what else to do and he’s getting worse and worse

Context - he’s the youngest with a big age gap, when he was about 2 weeks old i found out his dad had been having an affair with a much younger woman who was around the same age as my then stepson (18). I stayed with him but I really struggled to bond with DS due to PND most likely but I wasnt ever diagnosed. He just reminded me of his dad’s affair and we eventually split for good when ds had just turned 2, after i found out about his dad’s debts.

His dad still had contact with him although it did get more sporadic especially when id started a new relationship and he still wanted me back. Contact then stopped when he was 7 because his dad was arrested and accused of a serious offence, the other parents knew and kept their children away from ds even though we weren’t together and i was mostly involved in his schooling and doing all the school runs. We moved a few hours away for a fresh start and we were happy and ds was a sweet little boy

His dad ended up being found not guilty after 2 years, ds was about 9 but contact was still sporadic. Then 6 years ago my dd passed away due to an accident, and I think since then i’ve been softer on him. I also probably didn’t parent him right because I was struggling mentally

He started secondary and he lasted about a term before i deregged him. I z planned to homeschool atleast some parts but he wasn’t very receptive and I was struggling with my mental health, anxiety and depression and I also had agoraphobia which I am now getting help for but a while I didn’t and maybe I neglected ds in some way because he did what he wanted and the years passed and he’s now 16 and he’s awful. I feel like i’ve made it worse because he would smash his phones and to give me peace id get it replaced or fixed because i couldn’t deal with it.

Hes mouthy and regularly swears at me, goes out drinking and smokes cigarettes but i wouldn’t be surprised if he does drugs. I dont know where he goes or who with. He watches really violent porn and when i found it on his phone i tried talking to him about it and he called me a perv, I have put blocks on his phone but he gets around it somehow. He says racist language and is causing issues with a neighbour who overheard it, I don’t share his views/don’t use the language/slurs at all so I don’t know where he’s got it from but he laughs and says it’s not aimed at them but it’s stressing me out. I’m really at a wits end with him, we’ve had yet another argument today over his room being a tip and he told me he’s not my fucking slave and called me a useless bitch for refusing to help him tidy it and find his vape. He’s now gone out

He’s really stressing me out and I know I should’ve done more but I don’t know where to go from here

I haven’t posted every little thing as I don’t want this to be super long

He goes out drinking

This is not someone who is going to go out for a walk with his mother. I mean, let’s get real here!

Probably not. Though sometimes they can surprise you. Wonder if there's anything that will motivate him?

Tragically , I think this is too far gone at this point l. He has absolutely nothing to look forward to and no prospects in life and, at 17, that’s dangerous.

I wonder where he’s getting money to go drinking through

It's rarely too far gone. If they're alive, there is hope. I agree the position is precarious. I don't know this young man. I don't know what his positive currency might be. I have no doubt he is in a lot of pain, even if he can't pinpoint it himself.

I've some experience in this area but it was probably easier for me to find that little something as an outsider. I had a blank slate with them. Which is why I hope a male mentor or some help that clicks with the son can be found.

Well yes, we can all “hope” for that

OP please do take a look at NVR Parenting.

This is just one example.

https://oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/camhs/carers/family-ambassadors/do-you-feel-alone-with-your-childs-difficult-and-dangerous-behaviour/non-violent-resistance-nvr-parenting-approach/

" Key principles to the approach
Avoiding violent reactions.
Realising that continued struggle is not necessary.
Being open about the struggles being experienced, don’t keep it to yourself.
Recruiting supporters.
Taking unconditional reconciliatory action.
Based on these principles a parenting and psychological intervention was developed by Haim Omar nearly 20 years ago."

He sounds vile but you also sound like you haven't that one ounce of help what so ever and have struggled for a very very long time

He's under 18 can you not ask social services for help??

Also why did you take him out of school and then fail to give him an education?? This is why I don't agree with "home ed" no one checks up and most of the time it's just a recipe for failure

I don't wish to be cruel but you have failed him. I don't even think you can blame his feckless father. Contact was stopped for something that wasn't proven/didn't happen and then you moved his son several hours away so you could have a fresh start. You then removed him from education and have allowed this situation to develop giving you a violent, racist, misogynistic young man. You are now refusing to engage with social services to get help, so I'm not sure what you need other than to have it spelled out that you have absolutely failed your son - and are continuing to do so.

More present than the dad was !

OP I think it sounds like he needs to move out. Does he want to change OP?

How old was he when you took him out of school and why have the authorities not investigated his absence. I can't understand your reluctance to involve social services, this sounds like a pretty dire situation for your son.

The dad who was prevented from seeing his son legally, and then had no say when the OP moved his son several hours away? Sounds like this boy has been failed by both parents but only one made conscious decisions that have harmed him.

Sorry this is really hard. Well done for reaching out for help here, that is the first step.

Don't discount social services, they will not take him away or anything, I hear that he may not engage but they can help and support you and offer him appropriate help.

You feel powerless but you do have power, you pay for his phone? Do you give him money to go out, for clothes? I would say he needs to either be in college or get a job for you to continue to support him. But only if you mean it. Personally I would find it too hard to try and kick him out or stop feeding him but the extras could be withheld?

But don't threaten anything unless you are 100% committed to follow it through, despite anything he might throw at you. Is he's destructive walk away, do you have a lock on your bedroom door or leave the house It would be helpful if you have support, from social care and ask your GP for counselling.

Look after yourself properly, mental and physical health, exercise and eating well. He may not be ready to accept help. Be there when he is.

Lastly, in terms of your relationship, try and not make every single interaction a nag or moan. Restrict it to certain times. Try and find some neutral or positive thing to say at other times.

I have r had a chance to rtft but
How about:
The princes trust
Duke of Edinburgh
Volunteering - maybe in a soup kitchen or with the local football team - coaching or match day work or something? I think football clubs often run schemes to help people who have dropped out of school as well with things?
See what your local council offer people who are Neet (not in education or employment).
Get him involved in local theatre group (on or offstage).
Go to a lgbt support group (with our without him). Even if he doesn't go you will learn a lot and might find a way to reach him.
Try and keep communication open - try and put a film on and see if he will watch it with you, take him bowling, etc. Talk about his favourite bands. I feel like anything you can do to bond with him (or try to) might help.

Teenagers dont get this way in a vacuum. Who are his influences? He hasnt been in school, you havent educated him, so what has he been doing the last few years?

Some people have no clue what it's about having a child that won't engage.

The OP has tried to help him. Has involved the police and GP.

Telling the OP off will not help her now. She is asking for help.

I think you have to draw a line under what’s already happened and concentrate on the future. Your DS is completely disconnected from education and has little to no chance of getting a job.

He’s still got 2 and a half years left of free education. I would ring some local colleges and ask to speak to Student Services - they will put you in touch with the relevant person to speak to. Your DS needs an education. He can enrol on a L1 course (even if he has to wait until December) with Functional Skills, they will assess his level in maths and English. They may still have space on some courses at L1 now, he won’t get much of a choice but L1 Barbering or catering will get him in the college.
He won’t want to go but you need to try your best to be absolutely firm with him and tell him he must, legally, be in education OR work. The college may have someone who can intervene, although it’s unlikely. You need to get him into college - as soon as possible. When you’ve contacted the college/s, find a local boxing club he can get to independently. Explain the situation, boxing clubs are used to kids like your DS and they may have advice about how to get him there.

You have to tell DS that these are two things he MUST do. He very likely had very low esteem and low literacy/maths skills but it really isn’t too late for him to be able to achieve L2 (equivalent to grade 4 GCSE) and get a decent L2/L3 BTEC.

His phone/access to his computer etc are privileges not rights so he can’t have them until he agrees to college and boxing as a bare minimum. Also, if he can’t start a course at college until 2027 then he still has to do boxing AND study FS E&M online - there are lots of free resources (find out what exam board the college uses for FS and find resources for that board).

I would ring Social Services for advice, they’re not going to take him off you, and ask for help in getting him back into education. Also, although the ‘friendly beat copper’ days are gone, I would ring your local station and ask to speak to someone about your son, he’s out of control and you need help to rein him in before it’s too late. They may be no help but you won’t know until you try.

I haven't read all of this as but OP, I'm sorry you're going through a tough time.

My initial reaction to your post and your first response about why you tried homeschooling (the bullying) is that school and children's services failed you and him. Lots about bereavement, bullying, mental health etc.

"I really struggled to bond with DS due to PND most likely but I wasnt ever diagnosed. He just reminded me of his dad’s affair"

"I deregged him. I planned to homeschool at least some parts but he wasn’t very receptive and I was struggling with my mental health, anxiety and depression and I also had agoraphobia which I am now getting help for but a while I didn’t and maybe I neglected ds in some way because he did what he wanted and the years passed"

"I feel like i’ve made it worse because he would smash his phones and to give me peace id get it replaced or fixed because i couldn’t deal with it."

"I don’t plan on calling social services"

"I don’t want social services involved to tell me how much of a shit parent i am"

--

This is not just about a child that was given some opportunities in life, perhaps faced a few challenges and has since chosen to disengage.

The OP may have spoken to the GP once, and the police once when he was 13...but to assume at that point that all avenues of support had been exhausted has left her son out in the cold.

I don't think anyone should be telling the OP off, and I do think OP has been completely let down by several services and people that should have stepped in.

However, I do think to move forward it will be important that the narrative changes in her head from what she has been through and how tough this situation is for her now, to what her son has been through and what he hasn't had in his life.

Are there any youth employability programmes he could join? This one https://www.streetleague.co.uk does drop in sports sessions he can attend for free and when he feels ready join a programme if he wants to. They do qualifications and tend to work with those furthest from employment ie people with no qualifications and poor school attendance. Might help x

Is the school/college refusal because of anxiety and lack of confidence? I feel like there are other programmes around, I heard of one in our area which was just English and Maths and they paid the students something like £10 each week if they attended all their lessons. He's not alone in being out of education at this age, the unusual part is missing all of secondary school.

You have all our sympathy OP you've had a tough time of it.
Main thing I would suggest is getting him back in education or training.
Head down to your local college or reach out to anyone in your area to help him get an apprenticeship.
Good luck. X

Frontline cp social worker for nearly 25 years here across a range of different local authorities - op is right, there is absolutely nothing children's services would do in these circumstances except signpost elsewhere. Accommodate?! Absolutely zero chance.

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time.

There are some good suggestions on here but nothing will work unless you tackle your son's mental health first. He may be depressed as anger is often rooted in sadness. He might well have ADHD and/or Autism as a lot of children with these conditions mask and then become very challenging during puberty and struggle with secondary school. Teens with ADHD/Autism often find it really hard to speak to people about their feelings or even to understand how they feel themselves. Even if he is neurotypical the teenage years can be so tough. Getting mental health support for teens is hard but keep taking him to the GP and ask for referral to CAMHS. Google local mental health support for his age as they may be local charities/services who offer support. Google helplines you can call for advice; especially if you can't convince your son that he needs help with his mental health. Have you had social services involvement in the past? They really can help getting you in touch with the right services and support and provide parenting support etc and they have changed to a family support model fairly recently in many places. You have to start putting in consistent routines and boundaries. This will be hell as he will fight it hard and this is where you could really do with support; especially if you think he will become aggressive towards you. I totally understand giving in to his demands when you have a 16 year old having a meltdown at you but the cycle won't change unless you get help. It's important that he feels you understand him and are on his side and love him but at the same time not let him walk all over you. If he starts being violent towards you, you must seek support for that. Please keep looking until find a charity or service who can support you both because turning things around on your own will be so difficult and you owe it to yourself and your son to do everything you can. It won't change overnight but it's not too late.