To ask my parents to move out or pay

[Slsk21]

First time posting but want to know if IABU.
Sorry its long but dont want to miss anything as could use some advice.

First a bit of background info. My mum and I have a complex relationship as I didnt have a stable childhood and weve never addressed that. I spent a lot of time being raised by my grandparents (mums parents who are sadly no longer here). I have a (step) dad who is my dad. Im an only child but my dad has other children from previous relationship who I am not close to.

My mum has never been good with money management. Always in debt and putting holidays and non essentials on her credit cards. She cares a lot about how she looks and the image she projects to people. For example will only wear designer clothes and wants brand new cars and multiple big holidays a year.

My dad and mum keep their money seperate and have alwayd covered half of house / bills each, and have always earned similar, decent amounts. He also gives money to to his other adult children regularly to help with cost of living and mum disapproves of this.

So here is my situation.

Im married with 2 primary aged children and have come into a substantial amount of money as a result of an accident associated with negligence, which has resulted in the need for extensive lifelong care for my young child as they now have a severe disability and will need 24 hour care for the rest of their life. As it was birth related both my child and I have a pot of money.

Due to my daughters care needs, we have needed to move house. My mum asked if she and dad could she rent our house from us as she had taken out loans against her house making it no longer affordable and she was at risk of loosing it. I agreed as didn't want to see my parents homeless or have to move to a more affordable area, but did have reservations.

I am not making any profit from my parents. They are covering the mortgage which costs exactly 1/4 of what hers was, and about 1/5 - 1/6 of what rentals of the same size are in our area. We had a great mortgage deal, so for a 3 bed house she is paying about £270 a month. I even did some work to the house to modernise it for her before she moved in. She is paying her bills but i pay for her petrol as she occassionly collects one of my children from school (my child needs a specialist provision while other is in mainstream). Parents sold their house, paid off mums debts and had just around £50k leftover last year. She paid me her part of 1 years rent up front when she first moved in.

The year has now passed and shes made no attempt to hand over any money or even mention paying me. She has spent all the money leftover after repaying debt from her house sale and recently got medical retirement as she found continued working wasn't good for her stress levels. At the moment she has £600 left over after bills and rent. She recently asked to borrow from me to get her nails done for a holiday, has had her hair done and has another long haul holiday booked (so not cheap). She constantly says she has no money and makes comments like 'its alright for you, youre sorted and dont need to work again or worry about anything.' Now, I worked from being a teenager full time, had a good career and had to leave work to care for my child. I also obviously worry about them and their future but I feel like my mum misses that point, and that the vast majority of the money is needed for my childs care. If I try and approach money with her she becomes possessive and defensive.

She is my mum and I dont have siblings so she feels that its my responsibility to help and support her.

To be transparent she did help by loaning bits of money in the past but I have repaid her everything Ive borrowed, and given her more. I feel like I've helped her clear her debts, treat her to things like hair and nails, presents I know she and dad would like. I pay her petrol.

So I now don't know what to do. My friend and husband think she's unreasonable, and will continue to expect me to bail her out and pay for her general living costs if I dont put really firm boundaries in place now. They think i should ask her to pay the money to cover the mortgage or else she cannot live in my house and I would look to sell up... i dont fully disagree but it also impacts my dad, and my mum is still my mum. I feel very guilty because of this, and I can't afford to subsidise her life by any means as most of the money is for my child and their extensive support needs. My mum will make comments like 'cant take it with you, or no pockets in shrouds' Ive suggested to my husband maybe asking an estate agent to manage it for me, but then we will incur the costs and he questions why we should when she has a good deal. My mum has no savings and wouldnt really have another living option if I sold.

Would it be unreasonable to ask mum to pay her rent or tell her I will need to sell. Please try and be kind as I am already feeling guilt and confusion

She's taking the piss but at only £270 a month your dad should be paying you and taking it up with his wife

Your mom's grifting off your kid's harm.

I think it's time to cut her loose. She is going to leech off you and your kids your whole life if you don't put a stop to it. You have 2 young children and a husband who should be your priority, not the mom who left you to your grandparents to raise.

Get therapy to deal with your complex feelings about your mom.

Oh my god, she’s despicable. She’s literally taking money from her daughter and disabled grandchild. She should be utterly ashamed but she’s not the sort to admit that so you’ve got no option but to stop indulging her and start prioritising yourself and your family.

No way. I would sell or ask them to move.

I think you do need some therapy to help you put boundaries in place. I'm afraid to say this will not be pretty, as she's in now and you'll struggle to get her out.

Did you put any sort of official renting agreement in place?

No unkindness from me, towards you at least. Dreadful behaviour from your mother trying to take advantage of you and your dcs disability. I think you should tell them you are selling the house and they need to move on, otherwise you could end up caught in an ongoing cycle of her failing to pay, or trying to underpay, I mean what happens when the mortgage rates go up? I'm sorry, you must have enough on your plate, but she is a grifter, and will continue to grift unless you remove the opportunity.

You are allowing her to leach off her disabled grandchild. That’s utterly unacceptable imo.

Im sorry to be so blunt but I’m hoping that you will gather strength to act from the knowledge that every penny you allow her, is money that your child will need for their lifelong care.
She needs to leave and you need to either sell up or put in a tenant paying full market rate. Anything less is stealing from your child’s future

Oh wow.

I would have a conversation with your Dad, and advise if they don’t pay they are out.

I would then look at legal advice on how to get them out. That maybe trickier than it should be.

She’s spending the stability of your child’s future on tat.
The longer she stays in your house she will continue to abuse your good nature. You either have to have extremely firm boundaries or she has to move out

Im so sorry youre in this situation. Sounds like youve gone through hell to get this pot of money so for your mum to flippantly say "you're sorted" is completely egregious to me.

You have a DC who needs 24 hour care, why is your mum adding to your stress?? As if you don't have enough to be getting on with.

She sounds like a chancer and a bit of a narcissist. Honestly, you need to set some very firm boundaries in place with her asap. She is taking the p*ss the way she lives beyond her means and expects you to bail her out - you're not doing her any favours either, she needs to sort herself out and her attitude to money.

Thank you all for being kind and sensitive in your response. I am having therapy to try to address my feelings but unfortunately mum isnt open to working on things from the past between us so its mostly one sided and around acceptance. And just to be clear 270 is mums share and dad also pays 270 a month

Yes, why hasnt the dad paid? Im confused about that, does he think its okay to live rent free too? Baffling.

Is dad paying his £270 and she not paying hers or is it £270 combined and no one is paying anything?

of course you tell her she needs to pay.
Mom I'm not sure if you realised, but the year rent you paid me before ran out September so do you want to set up a DD or pay it as a lump again? let me know and we start it from Nov.

Oh so he is paying? That clears up my second post. What's his opinion of what your mum is doing?

Sometimes you have to accept you can't fix things with another person, the issue from the past. But you can do something about the here and now, and it it helps think of it as for your children's futures. This is not her money, it is yours and theirs.

You sound very kind but you need to start standing up for yourself and your kids and stop letting your mum take from your disabled child. She sounds awful.

Your responsibility is towards your children, and it is a huge responsibility given your circumstances. You haven't come into a lot of money’ , you have received compensation designed to help you support your children for decades to come.

You absolutely cannot compromise one penny of this to pander to your selfish and irresponsible mother.

Good grief, what kind of person days ‘it’s all right for you…’ about your circumstances? That is deeply shocking.

She is her DH’s responsibility, and he is equally liable for the rent.

Which you should increase.

Has the trauma you have been through allowed for therapy? I think your lifelong FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) could benefit from professional help.

Honestly I would sell and invest the ££ for yours and children’s futures, or evict them and get market rate tenants.

Seriously OP, the current arrangement is robbing your vulnerable children. That is wrong

They pay up the rent in full or move out. Do you even have a rental contract with them.

How much per month are you paying your mum in petrol?

The Stepfather does pay his share - £270.00. The total rent is £540.00.

Do you have a rental agreement? Have you protected a rental deposit? Have you declared the income for tax? You need legal advice I think. You can’t just make her homeless if you have a written agreement. If not again take legal advice but I would seriously consider changing the locks if you can and packing her stuff up into a storage unit (pay 3 months up front) or something. But you need legal advice.

OP, I see you are in therapy about your relationship with your Mum… I would abandon this, she is not compliant, and anyway is a self absorbed probable narcissist so its unlikely to get anywhere.

Concentrate on therapy just for you to free yourself from the hold she has over you.

It’s not for you, her child, to cover her poor money management issues. Let her know the date you want her to leave the house by (I’d give 2 months notice).

It is in your children’s best interest if you make money (rent or sell) from the property, just covering the mortgage doesn’t cut it. Rent it out for the market value. Put in a section 21 to get your mum out if you need to, as she might have tenants rights at this point as it has been a long standing arrangement, with money involved.

The fact that your mum doesn’t seem to even realise how hard life for you and your children will be now is shocking. I’m sure you’d rather nothing and for your child to be well. Your mum has a really disgusting attitude. Why should you look after her?! You’re her child, no matter what age, she should look after you!

she seems like she is only adding stress and drama to your life. Which I imagine you really don’t need. So maybe time to cut her lose a bit?

I’m curious Op. where is your husband in all of this? He has a responsibility to his child to maximise their income too after all

You were given compensation for the purpose of making your child's life as easy as possible, that has created some slack for you, that slack is not there to allow your mother to maintain her lifestyle. You have to be an advocate for your child and part of that is ensuring their future, the capital that you have tied up in that house, created by the compensation, should be growing as an asset to secure their future finances, currently the only beneficiary of it is your mother and step dad. Sell the house and invest the money, or rent it out at a profit. It is a hard hard road caring for a disabled child with complex needs, money can help with that, you need to make sure you and your child have as much money as possible so that both of you, and your husband and other child can be properly looked after. You worked hard to get yourself a secure home in the first place, your mother has not. Both of you should reap what you have sowed. Consider looking at the parent adult child model in your therapy to explore why you feel the need to make up for your mother's many many mistakes in her life, you can't get her to change or accept responsibility you can only work on your reactions and responses to her shitty expectations

You need to speak to your mum AND your dad.

that they keep their money 50/50 is not your concern. You’ve rented them, as a couple, your house for £540 and half is going unpaid. They need to sort it.

Not only is your mum taking the absolute piss, but your dad is allowing it. That is also an issue.