To ask my parents to move out or pay

[Slsk21]

First time posting but want to know if IABU.
Sorry its long but dont want to miss anything as could use some advice.

First a bit of background info. My mum and I have a complex relationship as I didnt have a stable childhood and weve never addressed that. I spent a lot of time being raised by my grandparents (mums parents who are sadly no longer here). I have a (step) dad who is my dad. Im an only child but my dad has other children from previous relationship who I am not close to.

My mum has never been good with money management. Always in debt and putting holidays and non essentials on her credit cards. She cares a lot about how she looks and the image she projects to people. For example will only wear designer clothes and wants brand new cars and multiple big holidays a year.

My dad and mum keep their money seperate and have alwayd covered half of house / bills each, and have always earned similar, decent amounts. He also gives money to to his other adult children regularly to help with cost of living and mum disapproves of this.

So here is my situation.

Im married with 2 primary aged children and have come into a substantial amount of money as a result of an accident associated with negligence, which has resulted in the need for extensive lifelong care for my young child as they now have a severe disability and will need 24 hour care for the rest of their life. As it was birth related both my child and I have a pot of money.

Due to my daughters care needs, we have needed to move house. My mum asked if she and dad could she rent our house from us as she had taken out loans against her house making it no longer affordable and she was at risk of loosing it. I agreed as didn't want to see my parents homeless or have to move to a more affordable area, but did have reservations.

I am not making any profit from my parents. They are covering the mortgage which costs exactly 1/4 of what hers was, and about 1/5 - 1/6 of what rentals of the same size are in our area. We had a great mortgage deal, so for a 3 bed house she is paying about £270 a month. I even did some work to the house to modernise it for her before she moved in. She is paying her bills but i pay for her petrol as she occassionly collects one of my children from school (my child needs a specialist provision while other is in mainstream). Parents sold their house, paid off mums debts and had just around £50k leftover last year. She paid me her part of 1 years rent up front when she first moved in.

The year has now passed and shes made no attempt to hand over any money or even mention paying me. She has spent all the money leftover after repaying debt from her house sale and recently got medical retirement as she found continued working wasn't good for her stress levels. At the moment she has £600 left over after bills and rent. She recently asked to borrow from me to get her nails done for a holiday, has had her hair done and has another long haul holiday booked (so not cheap). She constantly says she has no money and makes comments like 'its alright for you, youre sorted and dont need to work again or worry about anything.' Now, I worked from being a teenager full time, had a good career and had to leave work to care for my child. I also obviously worry about them and their future but I feel like my mum misses that point, and that the vast majority of the money is needed for my childs care. If I try and approach money with her she becomes possessive and defensive.

She is my mum and I dont have siblings so she feels that its my responsibility to help and support her.

To be transparent she did help by loaning bits of money in the past but I have repaid her everything Ive borrowed, and given her more. I feel like I've helped her clear her debts, treat her to things like hair and nails, presents I know she and dad would like. I pay her petrol.

So I now don't know what to do. My friend and husband think she's unreasonable, and will continue to expect me to bail her out and pay for her general living costs if I dont put really firm boundaries in place now. They think i should ask her to pay the money to cover the mortgage or else she cannot live in my house and I would look to sell up... i dont fully disagree but it also impacts my dad, and my mum is still my mum. I feel very guilty because of this, and I can't afford to subsidise her life by any means as most of the money is for my child and their extensive support needs. My mum will make comments like 'cant take it with you, or no pockets in shrouds' Ive suggested to my husband maybe asking an estate agent to manage it for me, but then we will incur the costs and he questions why we should when she has a good deal. My mum has no savings and wouldnt really have another living option if I sold.

Would it be unreasonable to ask mum to pay her rent or tell her I will need to sell. Please try and be kind as I am already feeling guilt and confusion

OP, you need professional advice urgently.

You've taken rent from them, so they have a tenancy even if there is no paperwork, and all the legal rights that any tenant has. You can't just ask them to leave, you'd have to follow the legal eviction process.

You also have all the legal obligations that any landlord has. Do you have things like a compliant EPC, gas safety cert, current EICR, have you given them a 'how to rent booklet', copies of all the above, and probably several other things that I've forgotten. If no, then an eviction notice would be invalid, and worst case you could be fined.

YANBU at all. That money exists because of what your daughter went through and what her future care will cost, and keeping it intact is not selfish, it is the whole point of it.

I dug myself out of a debt hole a few years back, and the thing I learned is that someone who is always in debt and funding holidays on credit does not have a cash-flow problem, they have a pattern. Your goodwill does not change patterns, only clear boundaries do. So I would treat this the way a landlord would, not a daughter: a simple written agreement, rent paid by standing order on the 1st of the month, and a review date you both agree now. Anything verbal just melts away into "it's all right for you."

Since your stepdad pays his half without a fuss, I would talk to him first, calmly, and ask him to stand with you when you lay this out to your mum. That way it is "the house needs X to run" rather than you versus her.

You are her mum first. Protecting her future is the job.

@Slsk21 as someone who had been bitten by the backlash of trying to help their own mother out financially. Please get a formal rent agreement at the very least to protect you and ultimately your children. Your mother will never acknowledge your help and is already manipulating you.
Pay for a child minder rather than her petrol, she will use picking up your child from school against you ultimately regardless of the fact you pay for fuel

Accidently voted YABU , she's taking the piss, she should of been paying you more rent than that in the first place to cover wear and tear, property maintenance etc. You should be coming out a little bit ahead at very least. You shouldn't be subsidising her. She should be embarrassed. You need to put your big girl pants and tell her what she owes you and increase the rent. Her financial problems are of her own making and she should go back to work if she can't afford her bills. She's showing you disrespect and being ungrateful and intituled. Not an easy conversation to have but you need to have it. Good luck

You will end up putting her begire your children if you are not careful, I can see it heading that way already.

So what's your dad saying or doing about this? You haven't really mentioned it. It is very much his problem and he will also be made homeless if the rent isn't paid. Why is he letting your mother put them in this bad situation? Doesn't sound like either of them give a shit about you or your disabled child.

Jeez, some people are despicable. I’m sorry op, but your mum is behaving disgracefully. Please put boundaries in - she either pays up or you sell. The money is for her grandchild, not for her, and she should be paying you rent. I agree some counselling or other support might help you with dealing with her without guilt going forward.

Don't have joint therapy with her. She's not going to change and she's manipulated you into financing her nice lifestyle and quitting work. She's likely to use therapy to manipulate you. Your dad is her enabler. Concentrate on how to set boundaries with her in your therapy.

Health care costs are only going to escalate and the best caregivers are also going to be pricey. Your mom is taking from you, your husband, and both your kids.

Hi OP, what a tricky situation to be in.
Does your mum and dad's payments cover the cost of the house (mortgage /bills etc)?
If so would you consider some sort of tenancy agreement?
I truly appreciate that they are getting a good deal but if you are not actually 'losing' any money by then living there, it might be worth considering?
No easy answers OP and I really feel for you. You have already acknowledged that you were predominantly raised by your GPS so clearly your mum is lacking in some way.
Wishing you and your daughter the best for the future.

She’s a CF she is using your vulnerable child as a cash cow. That’s narcissistic behaviour. But I don’t think you will see any of that money.

I know you're doing a nice thing but from your POV it doesn't matter which of them pays the rent, it just needs paying. You can't pay your mum's rent for her and shame on your dad for not covering her share. Sponging off you and your disabled child is shocking.

If it was me, I'd sell the house. You don't need it anyway, do you? So it's a bit pointless hanging onto it. It'll be costing you money through wear and tear even if they do pay the full mortgage, which they're not.

Just realised that your mum hasn't paid rent for a year. TOTALLY unacceptable and that can't continue.
The longer it continues, the more 'normal' and acceptable this becomes for your mum.

The rent is owed jointly and they are not paying what is owed. How they split the finances between them is irrelevant. They are equally responsible and by presenting it to you as a 'her versus him' scenario, they are manipulating you into letting them stay - he's paying so its unfair to kick them out - which is crap. If it was a mortgage, do you think the bank would care if one person was paying and the other not? Even if they suddenly pay up, there is a strong risk that the same will happen again later. A clean break and fresh arrangment with neutral commercial tenants is the best bet or sell up. I think you're asking for trouble if you continue to let them rent the house. Give them notice, and stick to it.

This all suggests that even if you're happy only to charge them enough to cover costs, you should be putting the amount up to cover these things as well as the mortgage - and I think you'd probably be best putting a letting agent in place, so that they can be the ones to deal with her. The lettings agent may also advise on a mark-up to cover potential loss of income if they fail to pay or decide to move out.

You can present it as "I've realised there's all sorts of legalities because you're renting from me, even though you are family. I could get into trouble, even if you are happy with things as they are (suppose there's a fire, and the gas safety certificate isn't up to date...). I need to be able to spend my time looking after DC, so we're going to get the lettings agent take care of everything. Unfortunately that means we need to put the rent up, but it's still a fraction of what you'd pay elsewhere."

It's not going to go down well initially, but a lettings agent would put a buffer between you.

Your mother's behaviour is abhorrent, and it sounds like your father hides behind her to get away with being quite unreasonable too.
Their marriage sounds like an absolute joke, much to the detriment of your family.
I'd say cut them both loose. They need to go back to their own home and cut their cloth to fit. This arrangement is no good for you - only for them. Disgraceful!

Honestly I’d tell her that I’m selling the house.

You haven’t won the lottery, you’ve got a fund to compensate for your child’s injuries. They should be your priority not your feckless mother. If she was asking for cash to pay the electric bill, perhaps, but no one ever died of not having their nails painted!

Why is your husband being so passive about this? Get him to stand up to her if you can’t. Full market rent or out they go. You have your self in a compromised position if you are renting to them and not being a proper landlord. Have you had all the electric/gas/EPC checks done? You could be getting yourself in big trouble if you’ve not done this properly. Being a landlord is a proper pain these days, so my advice would be sell the house and let her fund her own life. She’s taking you for a fool.
The vast majority of people would rather cut their own foot off than take money off their children and grandchildren. She is a leech.

Sell the house and kick your freeloader mum to the kerb.

She isnt your responsibility.

Be very careful OP.

Was the money paid into a trust for your child and if so who is responsible for monitoring this?

Money paid to support a child's ongoing needs can't be used for anything else and people can and do, go to prison if it is misused.

Tell your )appalling excuse for a mother) that you have met with your legal representatives and they are examining your finances. Therefore she needs to pay market rent on time, regularly every week or she will have to move out.

Personally, I'd sell the property and invest the proceeds or I'd buy a different house elsewhere, just to get her out of there.

And please keep your finances private.

Hi OP,

Firstly I am really sorry to hear the news of what's happened and yes, your mum is despicable for doing this to you, at this time.

But she is one of life's takers and people like her carry on until other people put a stop to it. Your step dad is being useless in the scenario as well.

This is what I think needs to happen -

Make up some excuse about how you are selling the house, or some reason she HAS to get out. Steve notice formally.
She will give you tons of shit for it - phone calls, messages, lies, threats, getting other people involved.
You must ignore the lot of it. Get someone else to read it.
Wait for her to actually get out, messy as it will be.
Do not waver.
Then close the loopholes of money giving and teach her that you are no longer her ATM.

This is a classic case of you going down with her sinking ship.

Save yourself.

I learned this the hard way of course - friend on hard times, I broke my back to help her and then one day found out she had tons of others all doing the same! People like her and your mum are professional losers, coasting along on the backs of others.

It is time to set yourself free, and not hear what she says, and then stand back and watch her be perfectly OK coasting on someone else's back.

If you do not do this, she will stay on your back, and your little daughter needs you.

The money is for your injured child, it should be in ring-fenced place as they will grow old and need this money for housing, food and help.

Have you made plans regarding how they will be looked after when you died?

I think you have to think seriously on how to protect your child for the rest of its life. Maybe there are groups in similar situations who could guide not to be scammed.

Unless your parents are covering all expenses they should move out, your ‘dad’ as a culprit as much as your mother.

Tell her clearly that you can't afford to pay for two homes as you don't know what costs you will have in the future for your disabled dc. Therefore, she needs to set up a regular or advance payment for this year or you will have to sell.

first off, I sincerely hope you have some sort of rental agreement with them. if you dont, get one in place asap and start to behave like a landlord in terms of your own legal responsibilities.

she is a sinking ship and you are going down with her sooner or later unless you take decisive action now. sit down with her and your dad. explain the situation as clearly as you can and then make it clear that she has 1 month to pay the rent and then to keep it up or regrettably they will have to both move out.

that money is for your daughter and for you and you have a legal responsibility for it not for her nails, holidays and designer clothes. you have to park the guilt and deal with this head on now. the longer you leave it the worse its going to get.

Have you switched to a buy to let mortgage, have landlords insurance, gas safety, a tenancy agreement etc? It doesn’t sound like you’ve done any of that, so you won’t be able to get an estate agent to take over. And you’re going to find it really tough to evict them. Good luck.

It's absolutely clear as day that she has no intention of paying you OP. I'm sorry that you can't see that but the sooner you do, the better.