To ask my parents to move out or pay

[Slsk21]

First time posting but want to know if IABU.
Sorry its long but dont want to miss anything as could use some advice.

First a bit of background info. My mum and I have a complex relationship as I didnt have a stable childhood and weve never addressed that. I spent a lot of time being raised by my grandparents (mums parents who are sadly no longer here). I have a (step) dad who is my dad. Im an only child but my dad has other children from previous relationship who I am not close to.

My mum has never been good with money management. Always in debt and putting holidays and non essentials on her credit cards. She cares a lot about how she looks and the image she projects to people. For example will only wear designer clothes and wants brand new cars and multiple big holidays a year.

My dad and mum keep their money seperate and have alwayd covered half of house / bills each, and have always earned similar, decent amounts. He also gives money to to his other adult children regularly to help with cost of living and mum disapproves of this.

So here is my situation.

Im married with 2 primary aged children and have come into a substantial amount of money as a result of an accident associated with negligence, which has resulted in the need for extensive lifelong care for my young child as they now have a severe disability and will need 24 hour care for the rest of their life. As it was birth related both my child and I have a pot of money.

Due to my daughters care needs, we have needed to move house. My mum asked if she and dad could she rent our house from us as she had taken out loans against her house making it no longer affordable and she was at risk of loosing it. I agreed as didn't want to see my parents homeless or have to move to a more affordable area, but did have reservations.

I am not making any profit from my parents. They are covering the mortgage which costs exactly 1/4 of what hers was, and about 1/5 - 1/6 of what rentals of the same size are in our area. We had a great mortgage deal, so for a 3 bed house she is paying about £270 a month. I even did some work to the house to modernise it for her before she moved in. She is paying her bills but i pay for her petrol as she occassionly collects one of my children from school (my child needs a specialist provision while other is in mainstream). Parents sold their house, paid off mums debts and had just around £50k leftover last year. She paid me her part of 1 years rent up front when she first moved in.

The year has now passed and shes made no attempt to hand over any money or even mention paying me. She has spent all the money leftover after repaying debt from her house sale and recently got medical retirement as she found continued working wasn't good for her stress levels. At the moment she has £600 left over after bills and rent. She recently asked to borrow from me to get her nails done for a holiday, has had her hair done and has another long haul holiday booked (so not cheap). She constantly says she has no money and makes comments like 'its alright for you, youre sorted and dont need to work again or worry about anything.' Now, I worked from being a teenager full time, had a good career and had to leave work to care for my child. I also obviously worry about them and their future but I feel like my mum misses that point, and that the vast majority of the money is needed for my childs care. If I try and approach money with her she becomes possessive and defensive.

She is my mum and I dont have siblings so she feels that its my responsibility to help and support her.

To be transparent she did help by loaning bits of money in the past but I have repaid her everything Ive borrowed, and given her more. I feel like I've helped her clear her debts, treat her to things like hair and nails, presents I know she and dad would like. I pay her petrol.

So I now don't know what to do. My friend and husband think she's unreasonable, and will continue to expect me to bail her out and pay for her general living costs if I dont put really firm boundaries in place now. They think i should ask her to pay the money to cover the mortgage or else she cannot live in my house and I would look to sell up... i dont fully disagree but it also impacts my dad, and my mum is still my mum. I feel very guilty because of this, and I can't afford to subsidise her life by any means as most of the money is for my child and their extensive support needs. My mum will make comments like 'cant take it with you, or no pockets in shrouds' Ive suggested to my husband maybe asking an estate agent to manage it for me, but then we will incur the costs and he questions why we should when she has a good deal. My mum has no savings and wouldnt really have another living option if I sold.

Would it be unreasonable to ask mum to pay her rent or tell her I will need to sell. Please try and be kind as I am already feeling guilt and confusion

He's content to continue living in a house where only half of the rent is being paid. If it were a private landlord, they would not accept it based on the couple's personal financial arrangements. The rent for the house is £540, he needs to pay up if she can't or both move to something they can afford.

@Slsk21 Your Mum is your Dad's responsibility, not yours. This is for him to sort out. He lives with her and therefore has more influence than you over her habits. He sat back whilst she sold her/their house and spent the proceeds and gave up her job and impoverished herself again, and now she wants to help herself to your child's care money. He lives with her and has benefitted from your generosity by extension and done nothing to keep her in check, watching her burn through £50,000 whilst knowing that she would not be able to pay her rtent. He's either very weak or as bad as her. But it sounds as though he is more approachable. It's clear the only plan they have for the future is for you to pay for their keep out of your child's money.

She dismisses what you say when you try to talk to her about this... so I think you should write down some of the points you've mentioned in your OP and send a letter to both your Mum and Dad. So at least you know your points will have been absorbed, even if they are in denial.

It would be hard to evict them even if they weren't relatives. I think you need legal advice, even if its just to set up a proper rental agreement, if that is the route you intend to take. I would show them quotes for similar rentals so they understand what a beneficial deal they have that they are currently wrecking. Realistically, will either of them make any attempt to find affordable accommodation. You may have to put the house on the market with tenants in situ before they will realise you mean what you say.

Your Child could outlive you and that money is to last them and their carer a lifetime. It's not a pot your mum can dip into.
If you sold that house and were no longer paying the mortgage, you could put that mortgage money into long term savings for your future and children's future. That would also give you and your little family a much more secure financial safety net. They are taking more from you than just the unpaid below market rent.

It sounds like your Mum will kick off mightily and guilt trip you. Be prepared for her to dismiss or forget all the financial help you have given her to date. There is no gratitude, she sees it as her due. But it is not.
But remember. You are not doing anything wrong. She is in the wrong. However, she is not a reasonable person.. I think you have to shake off the inevitable drama and do what is best for your child's future. I am so glad you are getting support to find ways of dealing with her. You are a very kind person, but she is taking from you and even worse, from your child. Wishing you all the very best x

Your mum is exploiting you and manipulating you, she's a grifter & that is how such types operate. However it is hard to confront your own parents, especially when they are dysfunctional types who reach straight for the guilt button.

I came on to say that OP has probably already created a formal tenancy, albeit unwittingly, and that if she were to try to get the parents out now - if they did not co-operate - she has sadly made a rod for her own back.

OP you need to get legal advice on this. Looks like no good deed goes unpunished as they say, where your mum is concerned.

Why all the 'what's your father doing about this'
The OP has said they have separate finances and pay their share of the bills each. He is doing that. What exactly is he supposed to do.

This is wild OP. You need much firmer boundaries. She is exploiting your disabled child and doesn't seem to care that she's doing it. Really shocking.

I'm no expert, but if you take rent, even without an agreement you have landlord obligations. You have to declare the income, pay tax, inform the mortgage company and have landlord insurance.
The eviction laws and tenant's rights still apply as far as I know, but
That's why she needs proper legal advice and see if it is possible to set it on an official footing.. so that they know this is not just a casual arrangement, it might be an eye opener for them to realise its a legal agreement, if for example she gave them statutory notice to leave (it might make them see that continuing to pay the rent instead was a good idea?) But I'm not sure what a lawyer would advise in her personal circumstances.
It might help OP if her DH dealt with the landlord side of things, so that she doesn't have all the guilt tripping or if she appointed a managing agent?

www.gov.uk/private-renting/your-rights-and-responsibilities

Your pot(s) of compensation money might seem like a lot now, but your child will need 24/7 care for life and you have given up your career to look after your child. The money won't last as long as it might seem. Your mother is a whole grown adult and needs to look after herself and not sponge off of her daughter and her profoundly disabled grandchild.

Talk to your dad. Tell him it needs to be paid and if your mum won't then he'll need to and he can get it back from her, because if you dont get it you will sell the house.

And remind them that the money you have isnt yours. It is for your child's care for the rest of their life and you won't be guilt tripped into financially abusing your child in order to finance your parents.

As they are living in your house and have paid you rent you have now become an accidental landlord. Before you do anything, think about how asking them to leave may impact you. If they refuse, you’d have to evict them through legal means. Have you declared all their rent to HMRC? Do you have the correct landlord insurance? You need to check all these or else you could end up in a mess! In addition, why are you blaming all of this on your mother when there are 2 people living in the property?

She's a grifter. If you want to keep the house telling her to leave or just sell it. She has no intention of paying you anymore rent. She's spent the money so she now sees it as your problem.

You've got your own DC to raise, you are not to parent your DM.

My DM was like this. She fully expected my DF then me to keep her and then got irate when we didn't.

Just tell them youve changed your mind and you are renting the house out as this arrangement isnt working, she fully intends to live in your house 4EVER without paying and expecting you to still pay for everything, any person that leaches off the money from a disabled child is vile, tell your dad you love him but this isnt working and they need to leave

good advice.

If she were a reasonable person, then you could say things like "i'm legally obliged to protect my DD's income and could get into to trouble by using the money to pay the mortgage as you are not paying rent..." but she sounds so wiley, I would worry that she might in fact report you in retaliation or start some sort of legal claim to do precisely that, create a problem for you.

I guess what I am saying is that whilst this sort of thing is a valid excuse if you were dealing with a reasonable person, she has proved beyond a doubt that she is not a reasonable person. so make sure you don't give her ideas.

And your step dad is absolutely coasting claiming "well I'm paying my share of the rent." what a pathetic excuse to hide behind. For over a year!!!

It all needs to be in writing. How much they owe.
I think another pp mentioned Shelter and they do have excellent, clearly explained online resources that will help you get a handle on the whole renting issue OP.

The one thing your mum has been is entirely consistent. The only person she thinks about is herself. She will never do therapy with you and will never change. That's a very low rent for a 3 bedroom house. I really hope you have a proper tenancy agreement. You should be absolutely clear that your parents settle the rent arrears or you will give them notice and work towards eviction. There's no other way. I've seen this with a friend of mine and her son. It's a horrific way for a parent to behave towards a child.

It will eat away at your mum to know that you have money that she would enjoy spending and she will stop at nothing in her efforts to spend your money. This is especially galling because it's compensation for a horrendous trauma which has permanently changed the rest of your life for you and your family. She puts herself first and has trained you to put her first too. Please be firm now. It must be terribly painful that she would do this to you.

Hi op you should not feel guilty your mother is manipulating you could you speak to your dad explain the mortgage needs paying and with your mum not paying her share she will put you into debt which your not willing to do. If that doesn’t help send an estate agent around to get a valuation while she’s there at least scare her into paying. You are not wealthy you are not here to provide for your parents anything they have done for you is repaid. Her nails and holiday is not more important than you or your family it’s time to put boundaries in place because she will bleed you dry. I’m sorry you have a bad relationship with her but please remember you’re an adult and responsible for your own family now. She sounds very entitled tbh.

I would get your DH to deal with this and ideally with your mum's DH. This isn't ok. You haven't rented to them as separate room mates. They have rented as a couple and as a couple they are not paying. Not your business how they organise their money privately.

Your mother is taking advantage. You absolutely should not feel guilty and you should ask her to leave. Otherwise she will continue to take the piss.
I know it is hard when it is family but honestly, from what you say, they don't seem to have done a great deal for you in the past. But you really need to put your own family (DD and DH) first and not your parents. Tell them to move out. You'll never see any money from them.

YANBU to ask her to leave but you were unreasonable to take on someone with her financial history as your tenant in the first place.
You need to take independent legal advice, but a married (or co-habiting) couple will usually have pay all the rent regularly each month regardless of how they divide the rest of their finances. So I think that your DF will have to pay the rent for both of them if your mum hasn't been paid.
Surely if your mum has been retired on medical grounds she has received a lump sum from her employers and a pension from them?

I agree with all the comments encouraging you to get some serious therapy to step away from this woman. You need to put distance between the two of you. You’re not responsible for her.

It sounds highly unlikely that you will get another penny in rent. Start with Citizens Advice Bureau on steps to get them out. Or tell them you’re selling and start getting valuations done so they can see you mean business,

Cancel the arrangement with her driving your children and stop the petrol money. She owes you!

Please please please don’t give this woman any money. Unless she has a spectacular pension, she is heading into penury and will drag you and your family down with her.

This!! “Tell her straight. “Mum I can’t continue to pay the house costs if u can’t even cover the mortgage payment. There’s other costs and eventually there will be maintenance/repairs required so I wld rather just sell it if you wont pay the mortgage.”
Also show her rightmove and how much rentals are to open her eyes. I have a feeling you’ll need to be very firm with her. Good luck!”

YANBU, your mum should absolutely be paying her share of your mortgage- you can't be down £270 every month when she is essentially getting free housing. You'll have to be honest with both of them and say you can't afford to be down that money and that if they can't pay it then you will have to sell the house. It is abhorrent that your mum would expect you to dip into money obtained from the trauma that you and your child have been through.

I would tell her she needs to pay the rent or you will evict her for rent arrears and sell the property.

This isn’t how decent loving parents behave. Either your Mum starts paying her share of the rent or they need to leave.
No more money given by you to your Mum, ni nails, no petrol etc. Birthday and Christmas presents if you want. Pay for the occasional coffee. Stop giving her money.

OMG your child has life long disability and your mum thinks youre sorted? wtaf.

She is a sponger and sadly you need to deal with that. Have the house valued for rental by an agent.

Tell her you're doing that and that she will have back dated rent to pay. scare the shit out of her so she knows she'll need to pay rent. you can agree how much etc once the appraisal.has been done.

if she's retired early and can claim towards housing costs, she can pay proper rent.

talk to your dad too, make sure he knows what she's done.

Sorry to say this but that woman is using you. Please don't spend even a second feeling any guilt. Either sell up or rent to someone who can afford to pay so you have an investment.