To ask my parents to move out or pay

[Slsk21]

First time posting but want to know if IABU.
Sorry its long but dont want to miss anything as could use some advice.

First a bit of background info. My mum and I have a complex relationship as I didnt have a stable childhood and weve never addressed that. I spent a lot of time being raised by my grandparents (mums parents who are sadly no longer here). I have a (step) dad who is my dad. Im an only child but my dad has other children from previous relationship who I am not close to.

My mum has never been good with money management. Always in debt and putting holidays and non essentials on her credit cards. She cares a lot about how she looks and the image she projects to people. For example will only wear designer clothes and wants brand new cars and multiple big holidays a year.

My dad and mum keep their money seperate and have alwayd covered half of house / bills each, and have always earned similar, decent amounts. He also gives money to to his other adult children regularly to help with cost of living and mum disapproves of this.

So here is my situation.

Im married with 2 primary aged children and have come into a substantial amount of money as a result of an accident associated with negligence, which has resulted in the need for extensive lifelong care for my young child as they now have a severe disability and will need 24 hour care for the rest of their life. As it was birth related both my child and I have a pot of money.

Due to my daughters care needs, we have needed to move house. My mum asked if she and dad could she rent our house from us as she had taken out loans against her house making it no longer affordable and she was at risk of loosing it. I agreed as didn't want to see my parents homeless or have to move to a more affordable area, but did have reservations.

I am not making any profit from my parents. They are covering the mortgage which costs exactly 1/4 of what hers was, and about 1/5 - 1/6 of what rentals of the same size are in our area. We had a great mortgage deal, so for a 3 bed house she is paying about £270 a month. I even did some work to the house to modernise it for her before she moved in. She is paying her bills but i pay for her petrol as she occassionly collects one of my children from school (my child needs a specialist provision while other is in mainstream). Parents sold their house, paid off mums debts and had just around £50k leftover last year. She paid me her part of 1 years rent up front when she first moved in.

The year has now passed and shes made no attempt to hand over any money or even mention paying me. She has spent all the money leftover after repaying debt from her house sale and recently got medical retirement as she found continued working wasn't good for her stress levels. At the moment she has £600 left over after bills and rent. She recently asked to borrow from me to get her nails done for a holiday, has had her hair done and has another long haul holiday booked (so not cheap). She constantly says she has no money and makes comments like 'its alright for you, youre sorted and dont need to work again or worry about anything.' Now, I worked from being a teenager full time, had a good career and had to leave work to care for my child. I also obviously worry about them and their future but I feel like my mum misses that point, and that the vast majority of the money is needed for my childs care. If I try and approach money with her she becomes possessive and defensive.

She is my mum and I dont have siblings so she feels that its my responsibility to help and support her.

To be transparent she did help by loaning bits of money in the past but I have repaid her everything Ive borrowed, and given her more. I feel like I've helped her clear her debts, treat her to things like hair and nails, presents I know she and dad would like. I pay her petrol.

So I now don't know what to do. My friend and husband think she's unreasonable, and will continue to expect me to bail her out and pay for her general living costs if I dont put really firm boundaries in place now. They think i should ask her to pay the money to cover the mortgage or else she cannot live in my house and I would look to sell up... i dont fully disagree but it also impacts my dad, and my mum is still my mum. I feel very guilty because of this, and I can't afford to subsidise her life by any means as most of the money is for my child and their extensive support needs. My mum will make comments like 'cant take it with you, or no pockets in shrouds' Ive suggested to my husband maybe asking an estate agent to manage it for me, but then we will incur the costs and he questions why we should when she has a good deal. My mum has no savings and wouldnt really have another living option if I sold.

Would it be unreasonable to ask mum to pay her rent or tell her I will need to sell. Please try and be kind as I am already feeling guilt and confusion

I wonder whether your dad knows she's not paying you?

Your mother is a despicable human being who is grifting off the significant harm that was caused to your child. Why you have anything to do with her is beyond me and I definitely would have kicked her out of my house the second she implied that my family is set for life due to my child’s disability.

This is awful. Your mother is treating your payout like it's a lottery win. She doesn't seem to/want to understand that the money is to support your daughter and the reason you can't work is because you need to provide care, not because you're being lazy, or were lucky in any way.

Sorry, but it's time for some harsh words and your mother needs a reality check. I know that's easier said than done, but the alternative is she continues to live her nice lifestyle at your expense. You may need to start preparing for a loss of contact with her because I imagine she will blame you (wrongly obviously).

I think it's better if you sell the house rather than rent it out. If you keep it she will use it against you.

She’s one of those prosperity suckers. I bet throughout your life whenever you had money she’d be there to help you spend it. These people always find a way to drain your resources - by hook or by crook she’s finding a way to reduce that financial settlement you got, isn’t she. Time to set boundaries before it gets whittled away and you have nothing left. You need much of that money for your child, let alone anything else. Protect yourself 💖

She will bleed you dry without a moment's thought. Sell the house.

You are not responsible for your mother, you are only responsible for your children. She is an adult, with a husband, and the pair of them can take care of themselves. Your mother is the type who is happy to take care of herself at the expense of others; in this case, her daughter and granddaughter. She doesn't care about you or her grandchildren, she only cares about herself.

She fucked you over in childhood, don't let her fuck you over in adulthood. If need be, withdraw from all contact and any communications can go between your (step?)dad and your husband (or a lawyer).

Serve her notice, you're selling the house. I'd give her 3 months - she'll need a solid date , she'd ignore a 'when you've found somewhere else' approach.

You're going to have to be as ruthless in protecting your child as she was in pleasing herself over her child.

YABU for putting up with this for so long. She's a CF who's playing you fir a sucker. Your husband is right.

She is treating you and your childs money like a lottery win. You need to clamp down on this ASAP ! I would tell her and your Dad that it has to stop .The money is for your childs future needs .It isnt to be handed out for her latest whims .

OP, you cannot buy your mother’s love. You have taken being helpful, kind, generous, tolerant, to an extraordinary level in order for her to see you, to love you. And she hasn’t. For whatever reasons, she cannot or will not change and the child in you who wants her approval will not ever get it. Time to end this.

What the F have I just read??

She is NEVER going to be the mother you want her to be no matter his much money your throw in her direction and how many treats you buy her!

Oh, OP, this madness needs to end asap and you need to sell the house and put that money into long term savings for you and your child otherwise within 10 years, it will all be gone.

SHE will have spent it on herself and nothing between you will have changed.

Your need a reset. Stop paying for your Mum's fuel. Tell her and your Dad if they don't pay mortgage in full the house will be repossessed as you can't spend your disabled child's money on things for yourself, DH or for them. Tell them that money has to lady your DC for care for the rest of their life, after you and DH have died. Tell them you and DH have decided to sell your house and give them 4 months written notice on correct form. Tell them you don't want to have to take them to court but you will if you have to. Your Mum is one of life's takers. Don't allow her to take from your disabled child. You must protect your DC at all cost. Even if that is a falling out with your Mum.

The money you got was compensation because you've had to give up your career to care for your child with complex medical needs. This has had a huge impact on you, your husband, and both your children and will continue to do so through your whole lifetime and after.

Your mom is taking from that. Funding her leaves you with less. You have another child, and this money makes it possible for you to do things with them that you couldn't otherwise. Without that cushion, you other child becomes much more likely to be a glass child. It makes it possible to do things that make your life a bit better.

Your mom is using you financially and she has said she thinks it's your job to take care of her, which means housing her at your expense and paying for designer wear and vacations she can't afford and "treating" her. No. It's your job to take care of your vulnerable children. She's effectively stealing from your kids and you.

Do you think she would be as involved with you if you had no money?

I see why your husband is not happy with this situation. She's a leech getting housing and vacations and living above her means from your child's tragedy. You can't buy her love.

Health care wise, specialized private care is likely to become both more difficult to access and more costly in the coming years. Just something to think about the next time your mom wants money from you or doesn't pay her rent.

Could you sell that house , buy a one bedroom house and rent it to them at a realistic price?

Property is expensive to maintain. Also, isn't there a second home tax penalty of some kind?

OP's mom couldn't be bothered to raise her and now that there's money in the picture because of a tragedy, here she is with her hand out taking a house. She's an adult who lives beyond her means and expects the child she didn't raise to fund her extravagant lifestyle.

I think @Slsk21 has done far more for her mom than her mom for her and it's time to think of her kids' future and shut down the gravy train.

Ohh dear. Your mum and dad are both taking you for a fool. They should be paying you more than the mortgage. You have no idea how much of your comp money will go on care needs in the future. You didn't win the lottery ffs. I'd just tell them you need to sell. And then do sell it. Just say the paperwork and costs are mounting up as you had to register as a landlord and then getting taxed on it etc. Once all the insurances and regulations are paid for they'd have to pay market value which you didn't want to do to them so you've decided to sell. 4 months notice is fair.

As a mother of 2 adults you are far from being unreasonable. My parents did their best to help me and I do the same with my adult children. We’ve never had pots of money but tried our best for our children. You don’t need to bale your mother out at all

I sincerely hope you have a proper ast in place because getting her out could otherwise be very tricky. you mention long haul holidays and having her nails done, she’s taking the piss, big time.Kick her.

It looks like she thinks she's sitting pretty and that she won't have to worry about her future accommodation going forward into her old age. She's also being very unreasonable telling you that you've now got nothing to worry about. Your child's money and your own should not be seen as a buffer for her. She's being very unreasonable and insensitive. She cannot expect to be rescued everytime she's low on funds. She needs a reality check. Ask her for her rent and don't feel guilty about it. Surely she realises you've been through a lot and still have so much to deal with?

Also, your dad is a very patient person.

(Edited to include dad)

Please tell me you have a proper written rental agreement in place, protected their deposit and have landlord insurance.