To ask my parents to move out or pay

[Slsk21]

First time posting but want to know if IABU.
Sorry its long but dont want to miss anything as could use some advice.

First a bit of background info. My mum and I have a complex relationship as I didnt have a stable childhood and weve never addressed that. I spent a lot of time being raised by my grandparents (mums parents who are sadly no longer here). I have a (step) dad who is my dad. Im an only child but my dad has other children from previous relationship who I am not close to.

My mum has never been good with money management. Always in debt and putting holidays and non essentials on her credit cards. She cares a lot about how she looks and the image she projects to people. For example will only wear designer clothes and wants brand new cars and multiple big holidays a year.

My dad and mum keep their money seperate and have alwayd covered half of house / bills each, and have always earned similar, decent amounts. He also gives money to to his other adult children regularly to help with cost of living and mum disapproves of this.

So here is my situation.

Im married with 2 primary aged children and have come into a substantial amount of money as a result of an accident associated with negligence, which has resulted in the need for extensive lifelong care for my young child as they now have a severe disability and will need 24 hour care for the rest of their life. As it was birth related both my child and I have a pot of money.

Due to my daughters care needs, we have needed to move house. My mum asked if she and dad could she rent our house from us as she had taken out loans against her house making it no longer affordable and she was at risk of loosing it. I agreed as didn't want to see my parents homeless or have to move to a more affordable area, but did have reservations.

I am not making any profit from my parents. They are covering the mortgage which costs exactly 1/4 of what hers was, and about 1/5 - 1/6 of what rentals of the same size are in our area. We had a great mortgage deal, so for a 3 bed house she is paying about £270 a month. I even did some work to the house to modernise it for her before she moved in. She is paying her bills but i pay for her petrol as she occassionly collects one of my children from school (my child needs a specialist provision while other is in mainstream). Parents sold their house, paid off mums debts and had just around £50k leftover last year. She paid me her part of 1 years rent up front when she first moved in.

The year has now passed and shes made no attempt to hand over any money or even mention paying me. She has spent all the money leftover after repaying debt from her house sale and recently got medical retirement as she found continued working wasn't good for her stress levels. At the moment she has £600 left over after bills and rent. She recently asked to borrow from me to get her nails done for a holiday, has had her hair done and has another long haul holiday booked (so not cheap). She constantly says she has no money and makes comments like 'its alright for you, youre sorted and dont need to work again or worry about anything.' Now, I worked from being a teenager full time, had a good career and had to leave work to care for my child. I also obviously worry about them and their future but I feel like my mum misses that point, and that the vast majority of the money is needed for my childs care. If I try and approach money with her she becomes possessive and defensive.

She is my mum and I dont have siblings so she feels that its my responsibility to help and support her.

To be transparent she did help by loaning bits of money in the past but I have repaid her everything Ive borrowed, and given her more. I feel like I've helped her clear her debts, treat her to things like hair and nails, presents I know she and dad would like. I pay her petrol.

So I now don't know what to do. My friend and husband think she's unreasonable, and will continue to expect me to bail her out and pay for her general living costs if I dont put really firm boundaries in place now. They think i should ask her to pay the money to cover the mortgage or else she cannot live in my house and I would look to sell up... i dont fully disagree but it also impacts my dad, and my mum is still my mum. I feel very guilty because of this, and I can't afford to subsidise her life by any means as most of the money is for my child and their extensive support needs. My mum will make comments like 'cant take it with you, or no pockets in shrouds' Ive suggested to my husband maybe asking an estate agent to manage it for me, but then we will incur the costs and he questions why we should when she has a good deal. My mum has no savings and wouldnt really have another living option if I sold.

Would it be unreasonable to ask mum to pay her rent or tell her I will need to sell. Please try and be kind as I am already feeling guilt and confusion

YANBU. Don't let her talk you into believing you are. As you said, you need to protect your own children, now. Sad as it is, you can't save your mother from herself. She'll never have a healthy relationship with money, and if you let her, she'll bleed you dry, too.

Am so sorry, just sometimes we get parents that are not 'all that'. Your mum is one of those.

As an only child means nothing - you're not responsible for your mum. You have however gone above and beyond to help her and she's not actually taking any of that on board, instead taking the pee out of your good nature. She needs to pay, or leave, she is old enough to know that you can't pay for her living costs, her nails or whatever. Keeping a roof over her head was number 1 priority, not how she looks and how many holidays she has.

Sorry about your child OP, awful situation and am sorry your mum is adding to the stress. It may be worth getting some legal advice about removing your mum from the property.

@Slsk21 I do hope it helps you for neutral observers to tell you that you should feel no guilt or confusion.
You've done nothing but support your mum but tbh she sounds awful.
Get your dad on side and be totally clear that the mortgage gets paid or else they will have to make other arrangements. And follow through, serve them notice if necessary. It's absolutely nothing to do with your compensation because that is for completely different purposes.
Your mum seems to treat you like her personal cash cow. If that's all you are to her then if you evict them and she cuts contact is that really such a loss? I very much doubt it will come to that but you really do need to put down those clear boundaries when you're already being so generous.

Caring for my parents and housing them cost me £500k.

In the last two years of a 18 year stint I got £400;a month from my dad. My mum had blown his pension and voluntary redundancy funds.
We've never recovered from it. Our savings went.

Your mother is selfish grifter, who will take everything you have if you let her. The emotional blackmail is seeping through your post. She doesn't want to work but expects a 5 star life which she will get others to pay for. Cut her loose.

Oh man that is really bad on her part. Ask then to leave or sell the house - she is stealing from you and your children who need it far more than she does.

I haven't read the whole thread, so this may have been mentioned already, but does the mortgage company know you are letting it out? They may take a dim view - I don't think it is a given that a mortgage company will agree to this sort of arrangement. Anyway, I don't think you are being at all unreasonable in thinking about getting her to leave.

Wow. I would give them a date to leave, say three months, and they need to be gone so you can sell the house for your family's future care needs.

If you were feeling REALLY generous, you could buy them a small flat (if you can afford it) but honestly, they need to go to the council and get housed.

They are really outrageous OP.

Your mother is a using, grasping horror. She seems to be capable of not loving anyone but herself.

I am sorry for the injuries suffered by you and your child . They must have been substantial and obviously lifelong for your child , to receive this compensation . I think you need to try and speak to your mum
and dad together .

You did not win the lottery or come into an inheritance , these monies received are to look after your child and effectively enable you to be a full-time / long term career . Sadly you may also have to think about what care / support needs may be required after you and your husband die .

I appreciate that it is very difficult for you and your whole life you have been made to feel guilty and that you needed to help your mum financially or otherwise . You need to reframe it - you have a disabled child and they and your family need to be your priority now .

You are effectively subsidising your parents ‘lifestyle . I would assume that your mum is perhaps 60s or younger, if she was recently working . She may live for another 20/30 years plus and you cannot afford to subsidise her .
She is not living on the breadline but is having holidays , expensive clothes .
You have to put boundaries in place , stop subsidising her .
For the house , it would be better if you tried to get them to find alternative accommodation - but really they have little incentive to do so .

Have you considered paying off your mortgage on the property ,if you can afford to do so . I am not sure if you have checked with your lender as well , whether this counts as a formal tenancy , as sometimes the mortgage rate would increase . Also check re your insurance are you covered ?

I think the problem is the very low rent you are charging and you would lose even more money if you got a letting agency involved . However you may have to just look at increasing the rent , get a formal lease agreement in place and get a letting agent to manage this . You could still give them a reduced rent but would need to be one where you are at least breaking even after all your costs .
You should also not be paying her petrol .

So you're essentially giving your mum over 25k a year... At a minimum funding a lifesysl she cannot afford....

That's money you could be compounding for YOUR future...

Thsoe Designer clothes?? You're paying for them... The too expensive luxury holidays... Yup YOURE paying for them!

And she neglected you as a child!

She'll never appreciate your huge kindness...

Wow. She's entitled and selfish.

I'd get them out ASAP and sell up.

I can't get over the "it's alright for you". Truly awful.

She only cares about herself and will spend not only your money but your disabled child’s. She’s toxic and you need to draw a line. I would be selling the house!

Of course you do.
And you should.
Your mother is a user/grifter.
Time you accepted itvand protect yourself from her.
She will never change and will bleed you and your family dry.
Get her out of the house and cut her off.
Otherwise this will never end.
Such people add nothing to your life.

I understand you don’t want to see them homeless so I think your idea of a property manager as a great idea and a huge stress relief. If she only pays half of the money so £135 a month for rent you could easily put it up to cover the management costs and it’ll still be cheaper than anything else. Do you pay for repairs if not you’ll need to add in a bit each month to cover that too.

This is so right.

You are so worn down by your mother's demands that you can't see what is happening.

I also think even your phrasing in your original post-calling the money "a pot" somehow implies that it is just there to be dipped into.

There is no pot of money.
You and your DD have received a settlement which needs to last forever.
Your mother (def not DM) cares for literally nothing but herself today.

You need to draw some hard boundaries.
That "pot" is not an infinite money pool.

There is still time but you need to be decisive and stop enabling her-put your family first.

The point is it isn’t for your Mum to raid for designer clothes and rent free living.

Yeah you are being taken for a ride there. She needs to pay what it costs you (including your buildings insurance) and not a penny less.

If she won’t then she has to go, but if here is no way she will go, she will absolutely end up paying before moving out because she will never get rent that cheap ever

carer not career

I'd just tell her you're selling the house

She will never do the right thing and you will end up out of pocket. Her belief that your daughter's 'windfall' means you don't have to work is appalling. That's to cover her lifelong medical costs which you're home overseeing. Your life is not what you had planned on.

SHe might be your mum, but she doesn't sound like a good person and you are allowed to distance yourself from her.

Blimey you need to sort this and not being mean but stop being so wet, you’re going to end up bankrupt this could go on for years. Your mum is a grown woman and has got herself into the financial mess, it’s not up to you to subsidise her. Even more of a mickey take when she’s swanning off on holiday. You need to grow some and stop letting her treat you like this.

why would she be open to addressing anything? She has got you right where she wants you. Can I suggest that you change the focus of your therapy from working on the past to improving YOUR future?

This. If they’re both paying, that’s £540 per month. Not clear what that covers and what the arrangement is. .

But, if you create a tenancy, you get a tenancy. Along with landlord obligations. 🤷‍♀️

Best of luck, OP. Your mother is a shameless leech and I agree with everyone who urges you to stop subsidising her extravagance and save the money for your child’s needs.

Tell them since she stopped paying rent, you have had to dip into yoru daughter's money and that isn't right, so you have to rent the house at market value. Get estate agents round.