To ask my parents to move out or pay

[Slsk21]

First time posting but want to know if IABU.
Sorry its long but dont want to miss anything as could use some advice.

First a bit of background info. My mum and I have a complex relationship as I didnt have a stable childhood and weve never addressed that. I spent a lot of time being raised by my grandparents (mums parents who are sadly no longer here). I have a (step) dad who is my dad. Im an only child but my dad has other children from previous relationship who I am not close to.

My mum has never been good with money management. Always in debt and putting holidays and non essentials on her credit cards. She cares a lot about how she looks and the image she projects to people. For example will only wear designer clothes and wants brand new cars and multiple big holidays a year.

My dad and mum keep their money seperate and have alwayd covered half of house / bills each, and have always earned similar, decent amounts. He also gives money to to his other adult children regularly to help with cost of living and mum disapproves of this.

So here is my situation.

Im married with 2 primary aged children and have come into a substantial amount of money as a result of an accident associated with negligence, which has resulted in the need for extensive lifelong care for my young child as they now have a severe disability and will need 24 hour care for the rest of their life. As it was birth related both my child and I have a pot of money.

Due to my daughters care needs, we have needed to move house. My mum asked if she and dad could she rent our house from us as she had taken out loans against her house making it no longer affordable and she was at risk of loosing it. I agreed as didn't want to see my parents homeless or have to move to a more affordable area, but did have reservations.

I am not making any profit from my parents. They are covering the mortgage which costs exactly 1/4 of what hers was, and about 1/5 - 1/6 of what rentals of the same size are in our area. We had a great mortgage deal, so for a 3 bed house she is paying about £270 a month. I even did some work to the house to modernise it for her before she moved in. She is paying her bills but i pay for her petrol as she occassionly collects one of my children from school (my child needs a specialist provision while other is in mainstream). Parents sold their house, paid off mums debts and had just around £50k leftover last year. She paid me her part of 1 years rent up front when she first moved in.

The year has now passed and shes made no attempt to hand over any money or even mention paying me. She has spent all the money leftover after repaying debt from her house sale and recently got medical retirement as she found continued working wasn't good for her stress levels. At the moment she has £600 left over after bills and rent. She recently asked to borrow from me to get her nails done for a holiday, has had her hair done and has another long haul holiday booked (so not cheap). She constantly says she has no money and makes comments like 'its alright for you, youre sorted and dont need to work again or worry about anything.' Now, I worked from being a teenager full time, had a good career and had to leave work to care for my child. I also obviously worry about them and their future but I feel like my mum misses that point, and that the vast majority of the money is needed for my childs care. If I try and approach money with her she becomes possessive and defensive.

She is my mum and I dont have siblings so she feels that its my responsibility to help and support her.

To be transparent she did help by loaning bits of money in the past but I have repaid her everything Ive borrowed, and given her more. I feel like I've helped her clear her debts, treat her to things like hair and nails, presents I know she and dad would like. I pay her petrol.

So I now don't know what to do. My friend and husband think she's unreasonable, and will continue to expect me to bail her out and pay for her general living costs if I dont put really firm boundaries in place now. They think i should ask her to pay the money to cover the mortgage or else she cannot live in my house and I would look to sell up... i dont fully disagree but it also impacts my dad, and my mum is still my mum. I feel very guilty because of this, and I can't afford to subsidise her life by any means as most of the money is for my child and their extensive support needs. My mum will make comments like 'cant take it with you, or no pockets in shrouds' Ive suggested to my husband maybe asking an estate agent to manage it for me, but then we will incur the costs and he questions why we should when she has a good deal. My mum has no savings and wouldnt really have another living option if I sold.

Would it be unreasonable to ask mum to pay her rent or tell her I will need to sell. Please try and be kind as I am already feeling guilt and confusion

I say this with the upmost kindness. She will never love and appreciate you the way you do your own children. My cousin has such a relationship with her 'mother' and the truth is no matter what she does that woman will never appreciate it in the way a mum would. She didn't realise how abhorrent her mother's treatment of her was until she had her own girls. She is now low contact and protects her peace.

Your parents are now leeching off your child who has a longterm disability. That is despicable behaviour. You cannot go back intime and undo her treatment towards you but you can control how she behaves towards you now and in turn your family. I think having stern words about how the rent is less than market value and needs paying arrears included or you will need to sell. I'd give them 3 months notice.

Tbh if it was me I'd turf them out but I appreciate it's not as easy for you to do that.

In an ideal world you would sell the property so not that hassle and responsibility. But as a clearly very kind soul you probably aren’t ready for that. I would suggest you do get legal advice to understand what happens if you need to evict them especially as no tenancy agreement in place. This may mean a tenancy agreement is required. And that rent needs to cover not just mortgage but also maintenance costs, insurance etc (check your insurance covers you as it’s gone from being a residential house to a rental and also check with mortgage lender as you may be breaching their terms if renting out even if it is family). If anything happened to you and your husband it will make life a lot less stressful for those dealing with your estate to sell the property etc. If they won’t sign tenancy agreement then explain they must leave as too risky for you going forward. If they do sign and don’t pay rent etc you have a clear legal recourse. Your mother has clearly decided you don’t need the money but that’s not the point. And is very disrespectful to not have that conversation with you properly. You are not responsible for her and she is no longer responsible for you. You are both adults. A one-sided relationship with no relationship at all.

OP, your mother is a user and you know that.
She is using you and your childs circumstances, which is frankly disgusting.

Get them out any way you need to and continue with therapy to fully detach from her.

She is a shitty excuse for a mother and IMO you owe her absolutely nothing.

She sounds as is she has narcissistic traits, so be very wary of her.
They exist to service only their own needs.

This is it.

Your mother is effectively stealing from your disabled daughter to fund her long haul holidays. This is dispicable. I'd try to put in place a formal rental agreement for mum and dad together. Talk to dad and make it clear if mum doesn't pay, then he has to or they jointly have to leave. They are not allowed to (effectively) take money meant for your daughter. If between them they don't pay, I'd issue a section 8 notice - non payment of rent and start the formal process to evict them (make sure you have given them the necessary paperwork to make it comply with the rules - there is good info on shelter for what must be in place).
No matter how much wailing your mother does, don't relent and withdraw the eviction notice until a proper agreement is signed and she pays her arrears and agrees to pay the rent going forwards. Tell her she is welcome to rent privately if she feels you are so unreasonable - good luck!
Also don't 'lend' her money from now on. Anyone who can afford a long haul holiday does not need to borrow money from family they have no intention of repaying.

As a result of becoming your child’s permanent 24/7 carer, you’ve had to give up your own career …for ever.
Does your mother imagine that you will somehow earn a good Pension being a carer?
Cannot believe how cruel narcissists can be to their own flesh & blood, I hope you OP, are not also paying council tax, water rates etc? Who is it that this Gran is showing off to, with her ill gotten gains.

Honestly I think it would be best to sell up regardless. Your mother is never going to change and you are on very sticky ground getting her out of the property and equally gave a huge responsibility to your child for their long term financial security which you are currently allowing your parents to undermine.
Not wishing to kick you while you’re down OP, but that is utterly negligent of both you are your husband. Anything below full payment of MARKET RATES is stealing from your child. By your parents and ultimately by you and your husband for allowing it

Yes you need to put boundaries in place asap. A conversation needs to be had. Freeloading off your daughter is not on.

You need to do what is in your child’s/children’s interests. And have a ring of steel around that. The compensation was to future proof your youngest. Your child will need 24/7 care you say. Your step father funds his own children, while you are letting him have cheap as chips lodgings. You are indirectly also funding his children as he has spare because of this. Also, your mother not only doesn’t insist she not take money out of your pocket by way of cheap as chips rent (which she is not even paying), she is looking for extra bungs on top.

So you are subsidising these adults. And for what? They are not genuinely in need, just wasteful.

Stop giving her the petrol money for a start! £270 is an absolute pittance compared to what she should be paying. I mean u cld technically say she’s still ripping it out of u even if she paid that. I get u don’t want to profit but there are probably other associated costs u have with the house, insurance, maintenance & repairs etc.
I think u need to get her to realise she is getting more than a gd deal at the very low rate u want her to cover.
Dont let her make u feel bad. As u say the money u have is to cover ur child for life so in reality with inflation etc even if its £1m+ it will all be required.

Tell her straight. “Mum I can’t continue to pay the house costs if u can’t even cover the mortgage payment. There’s other costs and eventually there will be maintenance/repairs required so I wld rather just sell it if you wont pay the mortgage.”
Also show her rightmove and how much rentals are to open her eyes. I have a feeling you’ll need to be very firm with her. Good luck!

Sorry if it wasnt clear in my original post. My child received money and then I did separately, so we both have a pot. My daughters pot hasnt been touched for anything unrelated to their care needs. My pot is for me as it was birth related with my daughter, and therefore a seperate impact for me from the birth, and i can spend that how i choose but ultimately i want that to support me, my husband and my children with my pot as there was an impact for my them also.

This is utterly nuts. You must prioritise your disabled daughter over your feckless mother, which means drawing big boundaries around your mother's reckless spending and not dipping into your daughter's pot (obviously!) or even your own until your old age. JUST SAY NO TO YOUR MOTHER!

I feel your pain OP I also have a mother who feels entitled to my support to pay her costs .

Doesn't matter. Subsidising her housing is money that otherwise could be spent on your daughter. It is still taking money indirectly from your disabled daughter.

I think her behaviour is awful.

The money you have is needed for life. I would get some advice for that and make sure it’s well invested.

Then say to her the money is tied up in isas so we have enough per year as it needs to last for life. We don’t have any spare money so by x date you need to pay rent or I will need you to move out. Tell both of them because ultimately it’s up to your dad as well.

Or as her partner he needs to have a word. I said something to my adult child recently that was well meant but my partner told me I shouldn’t have said it so I re thought and apologised. So if you dad is made fully aware of the situation then he is also responsible for saying to her come on we need to sort out the rent payments now as she has enough trouble worry about/ pay for with her children.

If you fall out with your mum over it then I think it’s for the best. You can’t let her carry on behaving like that.

Good point. Incidentally I think the difference between what OP is charging parents and the market rent is probably some kind of taxable benefit or income if anyone cared to be specific about it.

So they're paying £540 per month which is between 1/5 and 1/6 of rent in the area? So between £2,750 and £3,250?
Or is her share 1/5?
Either way, you're massively selling yourself short which is one issue.

I understand wanting to support your mum if she's struggling but she isn't. She's CHOOSING what to do with her money and her choice is that paying a fair amount for where she lives isn't important. That's very disrespectful.

That isn't even considering some of the comments she's making - calling you lucky? I mean, really.

I do agree that 'you can't take it with you' but what she's effectively doing right now is spending your money that you will need later in life to look after yuorself and your family.

She either pays or goes, end of

Good point. Incidentally I think the difference between what OP is charging parents and the market rent is probably some kind of taxable benefit or income if anyone cared to be specific about it.

This.

@Slsk21
Sell the house
You've shown examples of how she sees money as something she'll always be entitled to especially yours which is for the care of your child
As you've always been a soft touch
Honestly don't have guilt about this
She must know its not easy for you
And doesn't care; comments about pockets and shrouds show her mindset towards your predicament so
Just sell the house
I'm sure she'll land on her perfectly manicured feet elsewhere somehow
Take blood out of the equation
If she was a stranger you'd not dither
She's unfortunately a horrible grasping greedy piggyperson
Who should've prioritised better for herself and not leeched/depended on her only daughter
Also
If she had to sell from under you
You know she'd do it in a heartbeat
And another thing she may feel it's your duty to take care of her (shes fammerleee after all) but
Pity she didn't you when you were a little girl

What an absolute piastsking, scrounging , grifter. She's willing to let you get into debt and defect on your mortgage so she can have holidays and her nails done. Oh no wait, you paid for those too.

Tell her she's gotta move out as you've had someone off to pay full rent.

I dont think it matters, either way that money isnt for mum. And the fact she seems to think it is (she may not say it explicitly but she is expecting you to bankroll her life) is the problem.

Btw I hadn't even considered what another poster said about renting your house out to her and the associated legality. You maybe weren't aware of it?

If you were doing it as a favour to them and it isnt going through the tax man etc (please dont feel the need to confirm on here to us either way), then just get rid immediately. Don't put yourself in that position because you've tried to help them.

But yes it does give them rights as tenants even if they havent paid full rent. So it's a bit more difficult than you might have originally thought. I'd just tell them I'm selling and they need to find somewhere else.