Child responsibilities.. Should dinner be made or even started when the first parent gets home from work?

[Playinwithfire]

Last night I get home, it was around 7.30 and my youngest said mummy I'm hungry. I was confused DH had been home since 2pm and sorted HIS stuff and then he headed off to his hobby. I checked to see if they had enough dinner, then the child says we didn't get any dinner! I'm furious...

There has been a few changes and I have been very understanding that DH is trying to adjust. However, for f"*k sake... I feel like I need to still manage everything and ensure things get done. I'm asked a 100 questions daily. An I snapped last night...

I just don't get how you can go off to a hobby knowing that your children still haven't eaten however, you've made sure all the stuff he had to do was priority and very much completed.

I do agree with this, he should have checked the 15 year old had done what they were told.

Personally I think it's vastly different asking an older sibling to provide food for their younger sibiling because Mum and Dad are still working vs. do it because Dad is too busy scratching his balls - which is what I get the distinct feeling was happening here.

I think most of the conversation here now has descended into arguments about whether its reasonable to ask a 15 year old to cook.

Generally, it isn't. But we dont know if dad told the 15 year old to do this at 4pm and the 15 her old refused or as he was leaving the door at 7pm because he'd forgotten.

Either way, he shouldn't have gone out knowing that the 8 year old hadn't eaten.

Because he either completely forgot to feed his children or 'won' a pissing contest with his 15 year old about who cooked dinner and left his 8 year old hungry. Neither of which is acceptable.

No. I simply expect a 15 year old asked to do a reasonable age appropriate task to do it and not just disobey. At 15 they absolutely should be cooking from time to time as requested (by either parent).

A 15 year old can cook for themselves but they shouldn’t be responsible for feeding their 8 year old sibling*. It’s not their child. The adult should feed their own child.

*And it is baffling to understand how a 15 year old would learn to take that responsibility anyway when they see their father shirking it happily.

Blaming a teenager for a lazy father AGAIN. Btw, by the time the excuse of a father had said, in the passing, to put something on, it was almost the wee ones bed time.

It's really not different. It's a reasonable ask of a 15 year old for any reason whatsoever. It's an age appropriate, simple task.

Well done to OP for teaching her 15 yo that they can simply refuse to do any chores asked of them with impunity. And Dad gets a bollocking for his perfectly reasonable request to boot!

It's OK for a parent (either) to request that a 15 year old does a simple chore. Good grief!

Not at that time of night!

The differences of parenting and approaches is interesting. An how someones perspective can change the narrative of the thread.

My 8 year old advised he was hungry NOT the 15 year old.

My husband was home at 2pm, he was possibly doing odd bits nothing that would take away the fact he needed to make dinner for his younger children!

My 15 year old is capable of making himself food and has developed that skill very well! Along with doing his own laundry/cleaning etc!

However, whilst my 15 year old could have put something on. It was 7pm in the evening when he was asked to do this, just as my DH was leaving! My 15 year was NOT displaying "bad behaviour"! Catch yourself on!

Seriously, I dispair for the next generation of children if bunging a pizza in thd oven for themselves and their sibling is seen as unreasonable at 15.

Do most families really wait on 15 year olds hand and foot, never ask for them to do chores and think disobedience is OK? Really?

@Playinwithfire did the kids ask your husband to feed them and he fobbed them off or did they just not think to ask anyone till you got home?

You are either being disingenuous or you can't read plain english.

He was asked at 7pm. Did he do it? If not he was disobedient, and yes, that is bad behaviour.

Your DH should have asked earlier, yes. But I guess your 15 yo would have refused whatever time he was asked.

Not in my house. Kids should be entitled to have a relaxed childhood free from the drudgery and responsibilities of adulthood.

However, this seems a fairly common expectation where parents choose to have several kids and expect the older ones to step up and act in loco parentis whilst the adults feck off out for a few hours.

Who said he refused?

But is it a reasonable age appropriate task to feed two younger siblings on a moments notice? Only if that is the norm in their household, it doesn't sound like the norm as for one, he didn't do it, and for two, it isn't what OP was expecting, she was expecting her DH to cook for all three as he was the parent home all afternoon, and she would have done it were the roles were reversed.

Definitely a mismatch of expectations versus reality.. but the massive fail here is the parent who didn't think to feed his two younger kids before going out to his hobby, not the son who was told to feed his two hungry siblings as an afterthought.

Your husband not cooking dinner for his kids is outrageous. This is not a job for the 15 y old. Sure, he can do something for himself, but he shouldn't be cooking for the other be cause dad is too lazy.

@Playinwithfire did your H feed himself before going out? Or was he expecting you to have his ready later on when he got back?

@BobbleBear a 15yo is not a child, they are an adolescent, giving them appropriate responsibilities is good parenting. Stop babying teens

You don't wake up at 18 or 21 having had a "relaxed childhood" not contributing to household jobs being a fully functioning adult.

@Differentforgirls the OP did
"He did say to the 15 year old to put on something and they didn't." Refusal doesn't have to mean just saying no, just not doing the task is refusal enough.

I was cooking /washing for the family by the time I was 13. I was the third child of 4 and my parents both worked full time. We all took turns and were happy to do it. I am still batch cooking and freezing even though I am retired and my DC left home years ago. Cooking every night is madness.
The 15 year old's behaviour is a different issue though.

So basically your dh only remembered he was supposed to feed his dcs when he was ready to leave AND has just spoken to you.

And then quickly offloaded the responsibility onto the 15yo.

So now he gets the berate the oldest dc and appears like a decent father who just needed to go.

Right……

I suspect you need a huge talk. Not about that particular event but about the fact he is a father and should act like one.

Btw, did your dh eat somethimg before leaving? Like he had dinner/tea but couldn’t be arsed to prepare some for his dcs too?

Parent1 asks 15yo to do an age appropriate chore. 15 year old disobeys. Parent2, rather than dealing with the 15yo's disobedience undermines Parent1 and has a go at them.

That's the underlying story here.

I would never expect my 15yo to step into a parenting role so their df could have more leisure time, no! Who would?

In an emergency, of course. But I have no desire for my dd to think it's normal for a grown man's hobbies to come before children's basic needs!

We do a weekly menu and discuss who is cooking each evening, depending on work. It saves the mid-week stress about who will be home to cook and if DCs are doing something easier for themselves.