Child responsibilities.. Should dinner be made or even started when the first parent gets home from work?

[Playinwithfire]

Last night I get home, it was around 7.30 and my youngest said mummy I'm hungry. I was confused DH had been home since 2pm and sorted HIS stuff and then he headed off to his hobby. I checked to see if they had enough dinner, then the child says we didn't get any dinner! I'm furious...

There has been a few changes and I have been very understanding that DH is trying to adjust. However, for f"*k sake... I feel like I need to still manage everything and ensure things get done. I'm asked a 100 questions daily. An I snapped last night...

I just don't get how you can go off to a hobby knowing that your children still haven't eaten however, you've made sure all the stuff he had to do was priority and very much completed.

Don't tell me, your DH was gaming / watching Netflix all afternoon..

So many men are selfish useless idiots. They think of no one, literally no one, but themselves. He's just another. Sorry you're married to him, does he have any good points?

In this situation I would have expected the parent who was home and the kids to have got the meal sorted before the parent left for their activity. Kids absolutely should be helping with meal prep with appropriate supervision, and the parent who was home should have taken the lead on that.

@Bearbookagainandagain we don't know when DH asked she just said that he asked, not that it was when he was leaving.

(Although as DH was home from 2pm it should have already been done/prepped)

@GreyCarpet I don't think you can assume that either. It could be any number of things.
They were wrapped up in doing their own things TV, gaming, tablets etc. and didn't notice they were hungry
Or that Mum is default parent and they didn't think to consider asking dad
They assumed it was already being done and didn't need to ask
I wouldn't leap to immediately being ignored, although that is also a possibility

I agree he shouldn't have needed reminding, and I agree it is a basic need. I would still like to know why/if none of them asked because if he was asked and fobbed them off with "mum will sort it when she gets home" that is MORE of a problem than everyone being wrapped up in their own world and not thinking about it and requires different advice.

I'd expect children old enough to be left to be able to make themselves (and a younger sibling) a simple meal.

Did your DH make himself food and not make the children any? That's unreasonable. If he left before dinner time then I don't think it's unreasonable.

The 15 year old! But not the 30/40 year old man So higher standards being set for child than a grown man.

And now he’s being pulled up on it, he’s now blaming the child. The adult male is lazy, and should have cooked dinner.

Just to add he should have made dinner for YOU too. I’d be downing my tolls for that entilited hobby loving man.

Many of these responses are very frustrating... like they are deliberately finding fault.
Unless OP regularly has dinner after 7pm (and she said 8yr old goes to bed at 8pm, so unlikely) her DH knew it was dinnertime while he was in the house. Why should OP have to ask/remind him? I doubt he reminds her to make dinner if she is home and he is working. He is an adult and a parent.
Also, why should an available adult parent (finished work and home since 2pm) delegate dinner to a teenager who got home over 2.5 hours later than him? And instead of taking responsibility be angry at teenager for not doing something his father should have done. He had ample time to make dinner but just didn't bother, focused on doing his own stuff and remembered too late so tried to pass the buck. This type of avoiding parental responsibility is so annoying.

To the people who are saying the 15 year old should have made dinner for themselves, the younger children and presumably their mum, while the actual FATHER had been home since 2pm (probably doing nothing) and then buggered off to his hobby without making sure the children had something to eat, are quite honestly batshit! Why on earth didn’t their father actually parent?
I’d have expected a meal cooked for everyone by the time I arrived home to be honest. I’d be furious too.

I can't see that OP has said what sex any of the kids are. I suspect 15 year old is actually a girl and that this is why this man delegated cooking to them. Based on OP saying there have been recent changes, I also suspect this is a man who is used to being waited on and doesn't much like having to put any extra effort into the family.

I find the posts saying things like 'I was cooking for my dad at 13' really quite depressing in their lack of awareness that they also got trapped into a system where it was female responsibility to cater for men rather than adult responsibility to look after their children. By all means start teaching them to help and coach them but at that stage, it is still parents responsibility.

I retract this

In my defence I am dyslexic and reading is hard and OP drip fed all the information!

OP "Sorry the youngest is 8!
DH said he asked the teenager to put food on at 7pm for the younger two!"

Very bad behaviour - but all my other points still stand - why was the whole issue ignored by everyone until 7pm

And if it was actively ignored - e.g the kids were asking and being fobbed off

Vs everyone was glued to screens and just "forgot"

@Playinwithfire YANBU - of course your DH should have got the kids dinner!

My MIL was a SAHM so DH and his siblings and his dad did NOTHING around the house, so his ability to take initiative and sort out food is generally useless as he was never particularly taught to think of others and help. Did your DH grow up in a similar background?

You need to be assertive here. "I won't be back until 7pm. There is XXX that can be cooked for the kids dinner. The stuff is in the fridge/cupboard".

On Monday and Tuesday I take kids out to activities so DH cooks once he gets in. I leave the recipe out and he just cooks it then we eat when we are all back. I still have to plan meals/do food shop but sometimes it's just easier to do that myself.

I expect my 15 year old to cook a meal for his two younger siblings on the rare occasions both DH and I have work stuff until late. Just pasta and sauce or an omelette.

Goodness. Im wondering what you think the DH'S hobby is, that it would take 5 hours to get ready?!!! Perhaps a drag queen?
Edited to correct typo

@RedThroatedWarbler I think the 15yo is a boy

OP "He did say to the 15 year old to put on something and they didn't. And this ended in DH being cross with him- which annoyed me even more!"

Or that Mum is default parent and they didn't think to consider asking dad

I suspect that this may be the root of the issue, OP says some things have changed recently. He's either a shit dad, and it doesn't occur to him that his kids needs feeding, or he's a shit husband who assumed his wife would do it when she got back.

If he is home for 2pm then he needs to be the one arranging dinner.. that's it really, he may not like it but he is going to have to get used to it.

Well, my 10yo cooks for the family when BOTH parents are home so I clearly have different expectations in our house.

Clearly.

I feel that probably isn’t the norm though and I imagine they enjoy doing it.

He definitely should have fed them and it's very selfish of him to prioritise what he's doing over feeding his children YANBU.

Yes this is really poor. Even if he was going out it doesn't take much to put some pasta and sauce on to cook or even a pizza if need be. The fact that your youngest goes to bed an hour after you arrived home would mean that the child needs to eat before then. It's also poor him relying on a 15 year old to do what he should be doing.

For context I go out at 4.30pm to do some voluntary work with DS5 once a week. I feed him before I go as he eats a hot lunch so it's just picky bits. The eldest DD7 sits with her dad until he finishes work around 5pm and then he cooks them both a hot meal. I usually communicate with DH beforehand what the meal plan is for that evening and he goes and does it like a fully functioning adult and father. Once I'm home we swap and he goes out and I do bedtimes, there is no way he wouldn't have fed the older one.

Fair enough. I stand by the rest though. This man isn't stepping up to whatever changed. And would rather a child parents than inconvenience himself.

How old are your children?

By the age of 12 or so children can take on the task of cooking simple meals for the whole family. If they like to eat, then they should also understand and shoulder the work that comes with that. There should be a kitchen duties roster, with the children contributing to the meal planning.

Most of the responses are pointless in the absence of the nuance which makes the difference in this situation.

many posters have just made up that the father was doing fuck all all afternoon and shouted at the teenager to make dinner as he left.

no one knows if that’s true.

because it’s entirely reasonable for a normally engaged dad who is busy for whatever reason - including a hobby as parents are people too - to say before the little ones dinner time ‘Fred, can you put dinner on, I’m a bit busy today’

and that’s worlds away from the dad not giving a shiny shit about anyone other than himself or even thinking about their dinner.

either could be true in the absence of context from the op.

Really?
Do you need reminding to make some dinner for your children every single day?
That’s a pretty sad state of affairs then. 😳

OP, I’d be reading your DH the riot act and telling him in no uncertain terms that if he’s incapable of feeding his children when he’s been home for several hours, he can forgo his hobby next time and instead he can sit on the naughty step and have a good think about why he’s so fucking useless!

I have a DH that wouldn’t dream of prioritising his own wants above his parental duties but I didn’t realise that some people consider this outside the norm of reasonable co-parenting.

It's in the thread.

So can the father. Who was there.

I wonder how many prompts he needs in his job. Or does he just get on with that absolutely fine because there would be consequences if he didn't?