Child responsibilities.. Should dinner be made or even started when the first parent gets home from work?

[Playinwithfire]

Last night I get home, it was around 7.30 and my youngest said mummy I'm hungry. I was confused DH had been home since 2pm and sorted HIS stuff and then he headed off to his hobby. I checked to see if they had enough dinner, then the child says we didn't get any dinner! I'm furious...

There has been a few changes and I have been very understanding that DH is trying to adjust. However, for f"*k sake... I feel like I need to still manage everything and ensure things get done. I'm asked a 100 questions daily. An I snapped last night...

I just don't get how you can go off to a hobby knowing that your children still haven't eaten however, you've made sure all the stuff he had to do was priority and very much completed.

Neither would I - especially when DH had absolutely hours of time to sort them out himself. The only time I have ever asked a teen is when we were both late back and one of the kids needed to eat and be out again basically as soon as I got in and it was chucking a pre made thing into the air fryer.

Absolutely shit of your husband IMO

No, I mean a married couple operating like a married couple so that their family - a joint enterprise - is looked after and they have a vague idea what to expect so they can have each other's back.

All you need to know from this is that your DH took care of his wants and needs over his children

What a selfish arse. That would be it for me. The ick factor would be so overwhelming I could never look at him in the same way again

I’d be annoyed. The parent feeds the family. It shouldn’t be left to a 15 year old whilst the responsible adult goes to do their hobby. Worst case scenario he should have messaged you but I’d be unimpressed to get home from work late and then be expected to start dinner for younger children. I mean if they haven’t even eaten by 7.30 what time are they getting to bed? We start the bedtime routine at 7pm for our 9yo. Appreciate that is probably early by most people’s standards but they are always asleep by 8.

A 15 year old can cook. Or should be able to.
I cooked my dad’s dinner twice a week from the age of 14.
The 15 year old can do something for themselves and their younger sibling.

I planned what to cook too.
If you moan about your husband not doing things you feel you are expected to do at least ensure your son does do such things.

The blame goes on DH but a 15 year old SEN not withstanding is perfectly capable of making dinner for a family.

When I was a teen making dinner at least once a week was standard - not because I was neglected but because teaching our children to be adults is good parenting.

Even my 6 year old can make something simple for him and his little sister if needed. Babying our children into young adulthood does them no favours.

You clearly got out of bed on the wrong side this morning and have been taking it out on the OP.
Here's a thought, next time if you think relevant information is missing then ask the OP instead of launching into a rant. And a couple of MN posts where the OP forgets to mention the age of her kids does not mean she has a communication issue you drama queen.

Thanks to those of you understanding my frustration!

I don't believe I need to communicate to a grown ass man to feed his children before he does his own thing! That is basic parenting. He does not need to remind me! I was speaking to him, as I always do to let him know I was on my way home. As it was so late, I would assume my children were fed considering he was home in time- before everyone else- to feed them.

8 year olds bed time is 8 o'clock.

Yeah he's a selfish arse. And I agree that a 15-year-old should not be responsible for cooking dinner for their younger siblings. As the oldest child myself, and one who was parentified from a young age, people can look after their own damn kids instead of dumping responsibility onto a reluctant kid who has got homework and their own lives to be getting on with.

Thank you!

I think your last sentence is a really bizarre idea. It is not her son's responsibility to step up and do the things her husband doesnt.

15 year old should have fed themselves and the younger ones if asked to do so by their parent. Very bad behaviour from them not to have. Whilst I don't think a 15yo should have ongoing full reponsibility for family meals, asking them to bung a pizza in the oven for themself and their siblings from time to time is absolutely fine, especially if their parent has an activity to get to.

Sorry but at 8 and 15 they should know how to feed themselves even if it's toast or something in an airfryer or oven (unless they have some kind of special needs or difficulties which means they can't)
And nothing wrong with a 15 year old making dinner for the family although DH should have done it as he was there earlier.

You're not doing them any favours by not allowing/teaching self sufficiency.

Maybe you should expect your 15 year old to make a family meal sometimes? Otherwise aren't you just raising another adult who waits to be taken care of rather than taking some ownership of family life?

Not meant to sound mean but it has to start somewhere. All 3 of my boys (18, 16, 10) can prepare a family meal and clean up (DS3 with some supervision around hob etc) they all know that jobs don't magically get done so if you see something it is your responsibility.

DS1 is now away at uni and can't believe how useless his flat mates are.

You need to remind him that it's his job, not his teen, to make sure his younger kids have dinner.

A 15 year old occasionally keeping an eye on a younger sibling and making a family meal is not parentification. It is a normal part of being in a family.

I hate the way we baby teenagers now, and then wonder why we have so many listless and directionless young adults. A little responsibility is a great thing to give teens!

How old are the children? ThAt’s crucial information.

Sorry-seen you’ve added that.

It is not the 15 year olds responsibility to look after younger siblings and the H had been home since 2pm and sorted out all of his own stuff so had plenty of time to feed his children before his 'activity'

It is not bad behaviour by the teen in these circumstances (more like bad behaviour by the husband)

I completely agree. We told out teen in no uncertain terms that 90% of the time we accommodate their needs, wishes and prioritise their hobbies. So 10% of the time we expect them to do the same for the family. Cooking family dinner once a week and doing washing up after family breakfast on Saturdays is the minimum I expected since they were 13.

MNHQ really need to find a way of making it mandatory to state DC ages when starting a thread about anything DC-related. Would save a lot of time and frustration!

YANBU, OP. I am amazed he got away with it though, weren't the kids mithering him from about 4 pm wanting to know what was for dinner and when it would be ready? or is that just my experience? 😁

So basically he made himself food and got ready to leave as soon as you got home but didn’t feed his kids? What a selfish bastard.

It depends so much on the interaction between the man and his kids “Fred- if I go to the gym now, can you sort out food for yourself and Matilda? There’s plenty in.” Is absolutely fine. “I’m off out-see you later.” Not fine.

I find it hilarious that you hold a 15 year old to a higher standard than an adult and parent! Why on earth should the 15 year old be cooking for everyone when the parent in this situation gets to swan around and fuck off to his hobbies? Because in this situation the 15 year old didnt choose to be a parent and I sure as hell wouldn't be using them as such because the actual father is so incapable.

No OP this is absolutely not acceptable. To me even if it was just the 15 year old, could he not have asked if they wanted anything given he was home with plenty of time to sort something? But given there are 2 younger ones too and he was home from 2pm, thats really shitty behaviour.

Well I read it as youngest wasn't fed and he went out to his hobby. What's missing?
Why should she need to check that the other parent acted like a parent?