To be a bit miffed at my friend’s idea of a ‘takeaway night’ tomorrow

[Teriyt]

My friend is kindly hosting a night for me and two others, a girly catch up.

When suggested we agreed on getting a takeaway and consensus from earlier this week was to get an Indian, and we earmarked the specific takeaway we’d order from.

My friend hosting has messaged to say she has picked up a ‘deal‘ from the supermarket this afternoon so she has got some ready meal curries and sides and said we can sort the money out on the night.

First world problem I know, but a supermarket ready meal doesn’t really hit the spot compared to a proper Indian takeaway so I feel a bit annoyed! She didn’t check with us before.

M&S ready meals are absolutely not better than most Indian takeaways!

Maybe the most rundown, greasy, cheap ones yes, but most will be a lot better than a supermarket ready meal. M&S ready meals aren't even that great.

Nope, fuck that. I’d have something come up and dodge off. If she complained and asks for $$ I’d say no, it was on the basis of agreed takeaway which you would not have been putting in for if not there so that doesn’t work for you. Just rude of her to do this with zero consultation.

So many people are missing the point here - and I suspect many are doing it deliberately. The very, very simple point at the heart of the OP’s thread is this:

When suggested we agreed on getting a takeaway and consensus from earlier this week was to get an Indian, and we earmarked the specific takeaway we’d order from.

This is all we need to know. Everyone was asked, everyone agreed. So all the people making mawkish, po-faced comments from people saying “I just couldn’t get worked up about the food; surely the company is what matters? How can you be so mean about your lovely, kind friend offering to do this lovely thing for you?” are not being as kind and lovely as they’d like to think (much as the OP’s friend isn’t). They’re either being blindly ignorant or deliberately obtuse.

If the friend had said, “Does everyone fancy coming over to me for a catch-up? I can do some snacks/nibbles/drinks”, then fine - the whole “It’s the company that counts” thing applies. If the friend had said “Let’s just get some of those dine in deals rather than waiting about for/spending a fortune on takeaway” - also fine. Because everyone’s expectations are the same. The issue is here that the group - including the host - has discussed it and agreed on it, but the host has now not only moved the goalposts, but has presented it as a fait accompli that everyone should be pleased about.

Let’s take food out of the equation for a moment. (Because let’s be honest - a lot of the reactions on this thread come down to discomfort at women daring to admit that they enjoy food and it’s important to them. The dreaded G word isn’t being said, but it’s being implied with every “I just can’t imagine being worked up about this”.) Let’s say you and some friends had agreed to go to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster on the big screen. Then your friend is the last pick-up and she proudly announces “Good news! I’ve saved us all the bother of going to the cinema - I’ve downloaded some films instead! We can watch them here with some wine and some popcorn I got on 2 for 1! It’s so much easier and cheaper: by the way, you owe me £5 each.”

The film night at home might be fine if you’d all agreed on that in the first place. But you hadn’t agreed to it; you’d made a plan to go to the cinema. And what’s more, you’d committed funds to do that, and now are being expected to a) pay for something you never asked to do out of that money and b) be grateful that your friend has “saved” you whatever extra you’d have spent on doing something you actually wanted to do.

I can imagine one of my friends doing that, we would just go with it though, no separate group chats here.

Do you honestly see no potential midpoint between keeping quiet and putting up with it or ending the friendship over it? Really?

You’re one of the posters beating the “Surely time together with lovely friends is the most important thing” drum. Yet you don’t have a good enough relationship with your friends that you could say “That wasn’t what we agreed; can we stick to the original plan” without it being an end of friendship scenario?

It's a bit mean though, isnt it? Especially if you already had set it up, so clearly go behind her back routinely?

The allergic poster was a different one I think

And if there was a separate chat and your friends used it to secretly ‘howl’ about your behaviour you would feel….

I can live without friends who change a plan without discussing it with me and then tell me how much I owe them for something I never agreed to, frankly.

I hate this - someone else has been rude and you are now worrying about being rude by calling out their original rudeness!

YANBU Op - those supermarket take aways aren’t the same at all and the portions are meagre!

She probably should have checked but I really wouldn’t stress. It’s not worth falling out over.
You host next time and can definitely get a takeaway

Yeah when I first read the thread I assumed it was one of those big boxes that also had bhajis.

My OH has a similar annoying habit of suggesting that an Aldi battered fish fillet and oven chips is an equivalent to getting fish and chips. I'd eat that I was to tired to cook but it's hardly a treat.

You can only be polite and repond.

Okay, see you at xx oclock.
Looking forward to critiquing the Supermarket ready made..

Then on the night give an honest opinion and compare the meals with what you were looking forward to. But remember to praise the company, drinks etc.

It will be an experience to influence what happens next time.

YANBU at all, and an overwhelming 88% of posters agree with you.

I’m pleased to read your update that another attendee has asked the host to stick with the original plan, and I’d love to know the outcome of that request.

Supermarket Indian ready meals are really bad, even M&S, so the thought of a small portion of an Asda curry/rice with a mediocre long-life Naan, would be very unappealing to me.

Not to mention, the host made a decision based purely on saving money, without asking anyone else, which I find hard to believe anyone would be OK with that scenario.

That's not quite the same though, the point of that evening is to watch a film, the point of this evening is chat. But it wouldnt really bother me if I got to see the same film and to discuss it with my friends afterwards.

Yes, if she’s skint she could have bought herself the supermarket curry and left you two to buy your own takeaway.

i’d be really annoyed at this.

If she's a good enough friend I'd have called her out on it straight away .

"Hi friend..Well that's not a takeaway lol ..you pop that in the freezer and we'll stick to the original plan, I'm really looking forward to a xxxxx feast with all the trimmings "

I hate 'fakeaways ' with a passion, they are bloody miserable.

If anything this sort of behaviour makes me think miserly rich person rather than can't afford a takeaway.

Nah they aren’t lol

Each to there own but I value my friends more than sulking about a takeaway

Nonsense. I am in a group of 6 close pals and we have an infinite number of separate chats used for different things, eg 3 of us have children that go to the same activity, 5 of us the kids are at the same school, 3 of us have a younger child in the same year as each other etc. there’s nothing malicious but it saves others hearing about stuff that is not relevant to them.

I don't think a proper friend would unilaterally change agreed plans and decide what other people are eating whilst also expecting them to pay her. What sort of person just changes agreed plans with zero discussion?

If she were hosting and paying for the food then fair enough, that's her decision what to provide but I would be really pissed off with being forced to pay for a crappy ready meal that I didn't want to eat and hadn't agreed to.

I would be disappointed too! I might let it go given that she's bought it now. I have eaten a lot of supermarket Indians (not Asda) and some of them have elements that are takeaway-like (M and S, Sainsburys Taste the Difference) but the choice is obviously very limited so it's not like for like. The curries themselves can be very good - it's the sides and nan breads that don't resemble proper Indian style.

She can’t make decisions about food that you’re all paying for?! I’d message back, “I’ve been really looking forward to an Indian from x all week! So I’m going to order in my food still. Perhaps you can freeze some of the meals you’ve bought if others still want to order in? “

The thread demonstrates that for many or most the point of the evening would be good company AND good food. I think the poster you quoted is onto something with the idea that some people might be uncomfortable with the idea that these friends are also excited about the food itself.

I’m meeting friends on Saturday I haven’t seen socially for months - the primary purpose is getting together but nobody is trying to hide the fact they’re also excited about the food. Much discussion of the restaurant choice, checking of menus, etc. I’d still go if there was nowhere nice to eat but if, having chosen somewhere we’re all looking forward to, the organiser changed it so we were eating shop-bought sandwiches in the park I’d think it weird and presumptuous. And I’d be disappointed about missing out.