Friend left before paying her round.

[Sophiehoney]

Hi everyone,
I need a sanity check on a situation from my local tonight, as DH and I are completely disagreeing on this.
We were out at the pub with a large group of 9 people. We were drinking in rounds. 7 people had bought a round, and it was down to either this one woman, let's call her Sarah, or one other person next.
Suddenly, Sarah announced she had to leave immediately because her babysitter had an issue and needed to go. She said a quick goodbye to everyone and dashed out. However, she didn’t mention the rounds at all, didn't offer to leave any cash, and didn't mention sending a bank transfer to cover her share. She had consumed several free drinks at this point.
After she left, the rest of the group talked about it and everyone agreed it was incredibly rude to "ghost" the round like that, especially when she’d benefited from 7 other people paying.
When DH and I got home, he said the group was being far too harsh on her because it was a childcare emergency and her mind was probably all over the place. I disagree, I think even in a rush, you could text the group chat from the taxi to offer to send money or even just acknowledge it in some way before you leave by saying you will sort it next time. Leaving the remaining people to cover the deficit feels out of order.
So, AIBU? Was she a CF, or should she get a free pass because of the babysitter emergency?

Sounds like a very convenient "emergency". Maybe let it go this time, but make sure she gets her round in earlier in the evening next time. If it happens again, you know she's a moocher.

Your husband is right . Unless she does it repeatedly then you are being way to mean and honestly not being her friend at all .

@NotAnotherScarf
Not the point of this thread of course but that is not true about alcohol saving the human race from extinction. People have always liked a drink and the Royal Navy used alcohol to keep the sailors happy under frankly awful conditions.
But adding alcohol doesnt purify water. People werent stupid in the past and it wasnt until the late industrial revolution and uncontrolled urban expansion that water supplies were contaminated at scale..
Its one of those myths that bugs me like medieval people not washing. Old history teacher here sorry.

As someone who would maximum drink 3 drinks on a night out i would hate to feel the pressure of having to keep up with everyone else. As a mum with a baby she possibly didnt appreciate how long she had to be out for , how much she would be expected to drink and the repercussions the next day of likely looking after said baby with a hangover.

I'm also guilty of forgetting to pay things in the moment, realise after and then at the next coffee outing or whatever volunteering to buy the first coffee because -last time'. If it was a baby emergency she wasn't thinking about who was paying what either.

If this person is a serial offender then I get it...but as a one off I wouldn't be too bothered. Maybe she is strapped for cash and was panicking about paying ...if she is a friend I'd hate to be the person making her feel worse than she maybe does already.

Next time maybe do a kitty or just pay your own...these kind of big get togethers always end up with someone being dissatisfied with how things get divided.

If I'd had SEVEN drinks, I'd forget the round, especially in an emergency. Just leave it until the next time you all meet up, and then the first round is hers.

It's not something I'd get upset about.

I think your good mates probably find you rude and overbearing.

Saying "it's your round" is the equivalent of saying "you are mean and weren't about to buy a round until I reminded you."

The correct etiquette is to say "same again?' or "are we having another one?" giving the next person the chance to say "I'm getting these" on their own.

Where I hail from getting a round in is considered normal. And people go out of their way to offer to do so. People only really notice if someone regularly does not offer.
It isn’t like that everywhere. I have been in parts of the country where people will linger of the last bits of a drink so as to avoid offering and hoping desperately that someone will offer to buy a round. And then gratefully say ‘ oh are you sure’ etc.
Seven drinks is going some !
She may have been a bit hard up, if so, perhaps she should not have gone out. She may have been trying to get out of buying a round. But cut her some slack for one time. If it happens again, then you have cause to grumble.

For me, the group is too big for everyone to expect rounds to be bought by every person in one evening.
If the group regularly see one another then it usually evens out - the ones who didn't get a round in last time should offer to get the first ones in next time.
If it's a one-off group then splitting rounds or buying your own drinks if you know you won't stay til the end is better.
If she was planning a big 9 drink night out that got cut short because of babysitter emergency that's just something to suck up. After 7 drinks maybe sending a "thanks for the drinks, I'll get the first round next time" text was beyond her capacity!

I think you're all stupid to be doing so many rounds.

I'm not drinking alcohol currently for health reasons and and I'd be pissed as hell if I was expected to pay out for double shots and pints and wine if all I am drinking is a bloody Diet Coke

If you are so precious about everyone paying their exact share then dont do rounds - thought this would be obvious

Not at all! Completely depends on the friendships and people! It's very very normal in my world and pub going lifestyle for people to pull someone up on it being their round, it's jovial and jokey and friendly and very very normal. Anyway if I'm in a round buying night out my husband is usually there and he'll be dealing with all that anyway.

I wish I could tell you how insanely mad it is to call me overbearing! I'm the wallflower of most groups!

We're obviously very different and have different social worlds, and that's ok.

Good lord! You’re not much of a friend. It was an emergency. She had more important things on her mind. It probably never even occurred to her.

How does this work if one person isnt drinking alcohol (eg maybe theyre driving for example) doesnt seem very fair

Same, I knew there was a generational shift away from it with the young ones but I think it must be regional too because when I drink with people my age from other parts of the country they do that "are you sure??" thing as though it's a huge deal that I'm buying them a present, whereas where I'm from (northwest) you just sort of...surrender to the drinks distribution system, take turns, sometimes shit happens and someone buys more than someone else, some nights you spend £30, some nights you spend £80, but maybe the £30 person got the cab or the chips or something, and it all evens out by the time you die. That's how I was raised!

And in answer to OP, no one would give this a second thought and it would be seen as extremely gauche/insulting to offer cash on the group chat. Unless it was a regular occurence in which case people are allowed to "that's convenient!" rip the piss forever.

So everyone had had 7 drinks each by the point that Sara left when it should've been her turn to buy?
I'f say maybe she was drunk and it didn't occur to her.
or
She skipped out.

If the emergency turns out to be false, then I'd remind her she's first up buying a round when you all go out again. If she balks don't invite her after that.

If we want to get deep about it, it's cooperative/ socialism behaviour. Mutual altruism.

Well it's not exactly the same people in exactly the same groups for exactly the same reasons every time me and or my husband go out. Sometimes, and very often in my life I have said I can't afford rounds tonight, sorry I'll just get my own. I've been the designated driver in my life many times and all the drinkers tended to pay for my soft drinks all night as I would have less and they cost less and they are grateful for the lift.

Or if I fancy a really expensive cocktail or massive glass of red wine I might say, don't worry I'll get mine as I want something pricey or offer to get there's instead as it's a lot cheaper.

In my 20's I worked for companies where I was by far the lowest paid, we'd go out for work drinks and the much higher earners would never dream of expecting me to buy a round, I got free drinks on practically every work night out and they were all more than happy to pay for me.

Every night out is different, friends and decent people will respect each others different needs on different nights and good friends over the years will not be keeping count.

Sometimes I might be with a group of people I don't know that well and I wouldn't dream of saying 'your round Mr Smith!' .

It's not that hard!

I don’t do rounds if more than 4, possibly 5 people. It gets incredibly expensive, and makes for long night (which is fine, if that’s the plan). Also since early menopause, I really can only enjoy about three glasses of wine, and I don’t like soft drinks.

I'm struggling to imagine a friendship group old enough to include parents who go out on a Thursday night expecting to drink 9 rounds. Who does that?

We often go out as a group of 4 couples. We'd buy rounds as a couple rather than individually. If one person was there on their own, they might still buy a round, or they might not buy at all. We might only have three rounds and one couple might not get to buy at all that night. No-one is counting, we just all put our hands in our pocket and assume it evens out over time.

We wouldn't sit around and bitch about people after they'd left either. But we do genuinely like our friends. Yours seems like a very transactional group.

100%. You sort of abandon the notion of it being transactional, while still trusting that it will all work out in the end, and surrender to the greater good. It's hard wired into me. But I think some people were raised on more transactional values than mutual ones.

Is there reason to automatically assume the worst of her? I'm not sure if I had to dash home from a night out due to a childcare emergency, whether I'd paid for a round or not would cross my mind. Especially if I were apparently 7 drinks in already. If she has a history of it, you're a fool to include her in rounds.

This is why I don't do rounds though. What a dampener on an evening to be keeping track the whole time whose turn it is to the point you begrudge someone having to leave before theirs due to an emergency. Just buy your own drinks if you're that arsed about things being reciprocated so strictly.

9 people doing rounds together is also ridiculous and a recipe for things like this happening.

Sure but thats exactly my point - its not always "cheeky" not to get a round in then because it depends on other factors

Depends completely on the circumstances and we dont know what this friend's circumstances were exactly

Maybe it is greedier to be counting every drink bought than to rush out distracted.

Why is everyone assuming that all 7 rounds were alcohol?

Anyway, next time I spoke with her (honestly just to ask if everything was ok with the kids & babysitter) I'd probably give her some gentle teasing about ghosting her turn, then think no more of it as it's up to her what she does next time.

Just buy your own drinks if you're that arsed about things being reciprocated so strictly.

Yes, exactly!

If she had to leave for a childcare emergency surely she will just first round next time. If it's a 1 off I'd not care.