Friend left before paying her round.

[Sophiehoney]

Hi everyone,
I need a sanity check on a situation from my local tonight, as DH and I are completely disagreeing on this.
We were out at the pub with a large group of 9 people. We were drinking in rounds. 7 people had bought a round, and it was down to either this one woman, let's call her Sarah, or one other person next.
Suddenly, Sarah announced she had to leave immediately because her babysitter had an issue and needed to go. She said a quick goodbye to everyone and dashed out. However, she didn’t mention the rounds at all, didn't offer to leave any cash, and didn't mention sending a bank transfer to cover her share. She had consumed several free drinks at this point.
After she left, the rest of the group talked about it and everyone agreed it was incredibly rude to "ghost" the round like that, especially when she’d benefited from 7 other people paying.
When DH and I got home, he said the group was being far too harsh on her because it was a childcare emergency and her mind was probably all over the place. I disagree, I think even in a rush, you could text the group chat from the taxi to offer to send money or even just acknowledge it in some way before you leave by saying you will sort it next time. Leaving the remaining people to cover the deficit feels out of order.
So, AIBU? Was she a CF, or should she get a free pass because of the babysitter emergency?

I haven’t voted. It depends on how often you go out together and how regularly she does this. If you go out regularly and this is the first time then let it go and make her buy the first round next time. If it’s a pattern, then don’t include her in rounds next time.

On a Wednesday night?

😂 And I’m surprised OP can type so coherently!

I’d let this go if it’s a one-off, and I’d be more worried that everything was ok for her at home rather than her paying for her round. It’s a bit sad if you can’t buy your friend a drink. Maybe she’ll buy the first round next time.

Omg. Stop lecturing people 🙄

Jeez - you’re a bunch of boozers aren’t you!!! I’d be on the floor after4 let alone 7 or 9. Is everyone meant to keep up with you all?

Stop buying in rounds as it never works. Someone always misses out and someone is always the first to get the rounds in so buys more than others. Also your liver will thank you

But you all benefitted from 7-8 drinks 'free'. Assuming the emergency was genuine why are you whinging about her missing one round and not checking that her kids are ok?

Does she do this a lot or is this the first time?

And people flabbergasted at 7 drinks, I don't think that's too bad and it depends on what it was, 7 malibu and cokes I'd be a tipsy, 7 large glasses of red wine I'd be passed out and vomiting all over the shop. 7 half pints of a mild lager, tipsy, 7 large dark & stormys - in an ambulance.

In my world, rural, I find men view rounds differently, the men round here will often go to the pub regularly on their own, meet whoever they meet, maybe someone will buy the a drink that time, but he'll remember to get one in for their friend the next time if they are not stopping. The women tend to go out in pre organised planned groups and buy big rounds (if they can afford it), where someone missing a round will be more noticeable. Perhaps you and your husband view buying mates drinks differently. Perhaps your husband knows she will make it up next time and is more concerned about your friends child.

played you all like a fiddle. Skills!

Do you all meet up often? If you do her round first next time. It can be a problem with large groups inevitably someone doesn't buy a round, which is fine if you meet regularly and everyone is sensible so the same 'mugs' don't always buy first.

Not everyone has work the next day just because it's a week night. My friend works shifts and her weekend days are Wednesday and Thursday.

Yeah rounds of 10 people are just never a good plan. Especially now.
You'd have to drink 10 drinks to complete it fairly and most people would be fucking lagging by that stage and sense would have semi left the building even if some participants hadn't.

If I did often drink in this way ( expectation to drink 10 drinks in a session) I guarantee I'd have bailed at least once before the round is complete. And I'd be fine with knowing it was my round next time. So would my mates. It has to stop somewhere?

I wouldn’t care as it means that the people that bought were only out 1 drink each. 9 people is large as a group to do rounds as all 9 needs to buy to make it fair.

Rounds in a pub are a long-term informal social convention among friends - and even not friends - not an excuse to draw up a spreadsheet and take a register every time you go to the bar.

Rounds may play out over an evening or they may not. People come and go in a pub for all sorts of reasons, so sometimes you may spend more than you drink and sometimes you may drink more than you spend.

If you find that you are leaving the pub without contributing your fair share, you might want to say "I'll get the first round next time" but the more important thing is that you do. It's your responsibility as a decent pub goer and human being to be aware where you stand and always err to being a drink or two out of pocket over time. If you stick to this code, you will get a reputation as being a generous friend. If everyone stuck to this code we would have peace and enlightenment on this earth.

Rounds among nine people can't be managed successfully over a single evening because not everyone wants nine drinks.

I hate drinking rounds. After 2 drinks I've had more than enough. 7 drinks???!

And she had a childcare emergency. If you're friends, you should understand, and anyway, it should even out over other get-togethers

Wow! Do you have kids?

Way back in the mists of time when I was a student one of our lecturers brought up a discussion about rounds
(the “study” element was probably something about a tiny bit of statistics, group dynamics and of course sparking diverse discussion)

I recall that the general outcome included a bit of peer pressure in a group dynamic and the general norm of doing rounds - this would have been the late 80s
Issues were as per the OP that in a large group someone will get freebies, affordability especially if there were different incomes

Clear negatives were a disparity between people opting for more pricey drinks when it’s not their round, and/or everyone drinking more to get an apparent VFM

The consensus was that a regular group was more beneficial to rounds culture that things can generally balance across time - and best with similar incomes, but ad hoc groups would bring disparity and dilemmas with background counting of “have I overpaid”‘ switching to “they underpaid / didn’t pay

Patterns could occur such as volunteering the first round / last round when the full crowd were not there, quickly downing a drink before declaring a round so that some will decline a drink etc

When my friends are out in a large group we use Tricount, use it on group trips too. I like a drink but I’m never drinking 9 drinks on a Wednesday night 😂
The people who pay just add the expense in the app and it splits it all for you. Everyone settles the next day. Game changer.

Exactly this. I would also be very concerned about the lady's ability to take care of her children overnight after consuming that much alcohol.

What a bunch of piss heads! Are you teens/early twenties?

Was she drinking alcohol or soft drinks?

I’ve never done rounds as I wouldn’t drink more than 2 alcoholic drinks max back in the day and these days I only drink soft drinks so maybe she was pissed off about subsiding the alkies?

What happened? Don't leave us hanging!

Download splitwise - making rounds/dinners/weekends away with friends instantly less fraught, it's genuinely the best thing we do if we're away in groups.
Sounds like you need it for a night at the pub OP, but also, in answer to your question, no I wouldn't be harshly judging my friend, I'd be wondering if she's ok/babysitter emergency is ok. The fact you'd all had a few may explain why, instead of wondering if your friend's kids were ok, you all rounded on her as she'd had gasp free drinks.

If you can't sub a mate, as a one off, you're too skint to be in rounds.

I can’t believe you had 7 drinks in one evening and expected 9! You would either be drink or on the loo all night weeing!

Let it go

So if 9 people go out. 9 people have to buy a round? Literally no one can leave before their round regardless of babysitters, work problems, feeling pissed and needing to leave? Seems ridiculous.

Seems a lot. I would just make a mental note and next time say ‘Sarah, you get the first round in because last time you dashed off.’

No, no, no. It is extremely weird and rude to tell someone it's their round..

You might ask "whose round is it".

It's not rude if you're all good mates! Definitely ok to say, 'right Sarah I'm empty here, your round!'. It's also fine to call out a cheeky person who has been trying to dodge a round all night.

This is why round systems are awful.
Also no one should be responsible for children after 7 drinks