Friend left before paying her round.

[Sophiehoney]

Hi everyone,
I need a sanity check on a situation from my local tonight, as DH and I are completely disagreeing on this.
We were out at the pub with a large group of 9 people. We were drinking in rounds. 7 people had bought a round, and it was down to either this one woman, let's call her Sarah, or one other person next.
Suddenly, Sarah announced she had to leave immediately because her babysitter had an issue and needed to go. She said a quick goodbye to everyone and dashed out. However, she didn’t mention the rounds at all, didn't offer to leave any cash, and didn't mention sending a bank transfer to cover her share. She had consumed several free drinks at this point.
After she left, the rest of the group talked about it and everyone agreed it was incredibly rude to "ghost" the round like that, especially when she’d benefited from 7 other people paying.
When DH and I got home, he said the group was being far too harsh on her because it was a childcare emergency and her mind was probably all over the place. I disagree, I think even in a rush, you could text the group chat from the taxi to offer to send money or even just acknowledge it in some way before you leave by saying you will sort it next time. Leaving the remaining people to cover the deficit feels out of order.
So, AIBU? Was she a CF, or should she get a free pass because of the babysitter emergency?

Cheeky mare. I take it she's not been in touch since to say, 'Sorry for rushing off and I'll give you all my share' or whatever?
I think rounds is a bad idea when it's a large group though. Some friends and I have a semi-regular pub night and the rule is you buy a round with whoever you entered the pub with. If you come in on your own you do rounds with the person you're sitting closest to/talking to the most/whatever other slightly arbitrary measure seems right! (it's all quite laid-back).

As a non drinker - no-one not drinking alcohol wants to have 7 drinks in an evening. Let alone 9.

The key question is, does she often do this?

Round buying is a surprisingly interesting social ritual when you study it, especially given that so much is tacitly agreed. Whether you do rounds for everyone or form sub groups; how you signal that you're not joining the round; the etiquette around not ordering something hugely expensive when it's not your round. All things that usually happen without need for discussion.

Another point is that amongst regular drinking companions, the round buying can spread across more than one drinking session - so the person who didn't buy last time because it was chucking out time gets the first one in next time.

So unless Sarah has form for this, she should absolutely be excused, but I'd expect her to be offering an early round the next time you get together.

Sure, although as a drinker it's completely plausible that 4 alcoholic drinks would be alternated with 4 mocktails over the entire evening

Edit: 3 mocktails because I really can count to seven!

This! I had no idea people still socialise like this!

100%. I gave up drinking alcohol a few years ago. If I am in a pub with drinkers, I don't join in the rounds unless it's only a couple of people, in which case I will accept one drink in a round and buy one round 'back' and after that opt out because I don't really want more than two pints of Diet Coke!

😂 I personally don’t drink anymore but same!! 7 isn’t exactly bonkers ETA depending on the drinks, occasion, time period etc.

honestly op my opinion would depend on the history with this friend. Has she done this or similar before, for example? If it’s a one off,I wouldn’t hold it against her and I’d have been saying the others were being unfair at the time of bitching about her after she was gone but if she has form, well, people are going to be annoyed!

If you feel 'pressured to keep up' and dreading spending that money on drinks, just opt out of the round at the start and say you'll just buy your own drinks.

Presumably you actually know and like a group of people you'd plan to spend all evening drinking with, so nobody will care (bar perhaps a bit of light teasing) if you opt out, but actively planning to deceive them and accept drinks then escape without paying a penny back is just scabby. If you don't want/can't afford to take part in a round, that's absolutely fine, but grow up and use your words.

(to be clear this is aimed at this poster who said they would deliberately fake an emergency, not OPs friend who might have planned to buy her round).

Well she certainly can't!

I stopped doing rounds due to stuff like this, or couples where only one of them buys a round, or because I want to drink at my pace. Stupid bloody idea to go in rounds for 9 people.

Too old for this bollocks now. Just buy your own.

I personally don’t drink anymore but same!! 7 isn’t exactly bonkers 😂

7 drinks in one go is considered binge drinking.

Zero judgment from me, I used to be a big drinker but it is considered to be binge drinking regardless of whether it seems bonkers or not

Seven alcoholic drinks?

genuinely, I’d be really interested to hear what you drink on a night out with friends. How many drinks, what they are and what they cost. If you’re willing to share!

edit: sorry just seen that you don’t drink any more. If anyone else is willing to share I’d still be interested!

Does it say anywhere that all the drinks were alcohol?

He was obedient despite his reservations but he didn't like it. I think he took it seriously as I'd generally never NOT jump up to buy someone a drink or automatically offer the people beside me.

She's a master manipulator though - I've observed it in action for decades. It takes serious commitment to not get caught by her especially as the overall vibe is very much that it all evens out in the wash.

My overall feeling about it is that annoying as it is to be on the receiving end of, it must be worse for her. Every single night out and interaction is consumed by her strategizing how to avoid paying for stuff. It goes far beyond buying drinks; she has manipulated people into accommodating her for years resulting in horrible home atmospheres with massive resentment on all sides. What a shitty existence. She lives in self created poverty and I suspect is squirrreling away a fortune that is meaningless as she's too petrified to spend it.

Unless she's made a habit of doing this, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt this time.
Then next time you're all together, a cheery, "Sarah! I think the first round is on you this time!" Either she does it cheerfully, or she bitches and moans. Either way, you've got information you can use.

Unless she has form for being a CF then it probably wouldn't even register to me. If I was her then I would be more focused on my DC and then offer to pay first next time.

O P, You don't say what the emergency was, but I know if I had an emergency the last thing I would be thinking about would be paying "my share" for a ruddy round of drinks in the taxi on the way home FFS! Once I've sorted it out then yes, I would but ... Jeezo have any of you texted her to see if everything is ok or if she needs any kind of help & support ? I hope if she pays you all back, that she only pays the cost of her own drink each round.

Doing rounds with 9 people sounds a massive faff.

After she left, the rest of the group talked about it and everyone agreed it was incredibly rude to "ghost" the round like that, especially when she’d benefited from 7 other people paying

Unless she has form for it that doesn’t sound like a very kind/sympathetic reaction to what could be something quite urgent.

Everyone was expecting to drink 9 drinks 😂that is a lot. I think she would probably offer to get a round next time she sees you rather than sit there until everyone has had 9 drinks.

I think its unreasonable to 'expect' anyone to drink 7 or 9 rounds. That is crazy really. The people who buy the first rounds are the most likely ones to be out of pocket if not everyone wants to drink 7 or 9 drinks or whatever. Someone in that group will have been pressurised to agree with the majority to do rounds when maybe they only wanted a couple of drinks.

9 is far too many to have for round buying. You need a kitty for that.

7 rounds of drinks on a school night and you’re moaning you didn’t get 9! You’ve a better constitution than me OP, this was a Saturday night in my youth no problem, but getting up with kids next day - no way! 😂

Make sure she does the first round next time or bring it up to her today.

This isn’t a real OP is it. I think they’ve put in 9 rounds to get more engagement

Might be genuine, in my experience CFs are repeat offenders. Is she normally guilty of not paying her way?