To want more from life?

[JustHereForTheBins]

I really need some female perspective please as this past year I've been going over the same question in my mind on repeat which is "do I want more from my life", basically. My mates think I should end my marriage but I'm also very aware they are probably bias towards my situation, although they are all in marriages themselves...

For a bit of background, I've been with my wife since I was 26, now 41 & we've been married for 11 of those years. She's all I know, my first love and only real serious relationship. We've had many happy years but the past 3-4 I feel like we've drifted apart.

Main issue at the moment is that she has become really insular and focused solely on her career, I feel like I'm bottom of the pecking order. I'm just going to list reasons I feel like this as bullet points.

• The big one and where I feel all our issues stemmed from is that she moved her sister in during Covid (divorce) but I wasn't given the heads up on this. We jointly own our house, it's a small 3 bed and she stayed for nearly 2 years. I felt like a stranger in my own home.
• From the point in time I mentioned above, our sex life stopped completely. There has been nothing for nearly 4 years now. I have brought this up with her but she says she is shy and she needs me to initiate it? Trouble is she goes up to bed at 7pm (sometimes 8) as she likes to read and she's fast asleep by the time I go up.
• We don't really spend any time together. I cook every evening and by the time I've cleaned down it's pretty much her bed time and I sit and watch a show/game by myself.
• Even at weekends, she doesn't seem to want to do much or like leaving the house. There's so much I want to experience in life. Even to just go to London for the day or a city break somewhere. We haven't had a holiday abroad in nearly 8 years and never actually been on a holiday just us two, my parents or her family have always tagged along. The last holiday she worked everyday sitting by the pool. She can't switch off. My birthday last year we had a dinner booked and that got cancelled and we did lunch instead because she had a work meeting. I have brought holidays up with her but there's always an excuse as to why we can't go.

I don't know whether I'm being overly harsh. I feel like I haven't left my home town in years and she's happy with this quiet life we lead, but I'm not anymore. I know work is her main focus and she's done amazingly well and reached a career high point, and I'm incredibly proud of her, but it's come at a cost. She is also 12 years older than myself so I wonder whether this has become a factor in our relationship too?

I need to add that she is an amazing lady. She does have a heart of gold and will do anything for anybody, but I just feel like I've been left along the way. I really don't know what to do or if this marriage can be saved. I don't want her to change as a person, I know she would make an effort to do more if she really thought she had lost me, but I want someone to 'want' to do those things with me. My family adore her and have never known divorce (parents married over 40 years) and everyone would take our break up incredibly badly.

Any advice would be amazing please.

Did you read the post @malloryknox123?

No, it’s not that in a nutshell shell.

@JustHereForTheBins I think you are totally reasonable to want more from your life. It sounds like you’ve grown apart.. you want to explore the world and do things, she doesn’t. Sounds like you barely spend anytime together and certainly sont talk about shared dreams. And then there is no intimacy.

I think your start point is a very honest conversation…you are sad about where you find yourselves and you wonder if she is too. You need to figure out if this is something she wants to change as well. If it isn’t…well life is short and you would be fully justified to end the marriage.

Because sex is important in life to most people?

It sounds like you are just room mates at this point. It's a common but not unfixable issue, if you both want to. This book is amazing, changed my life: https://andrewgmarshall.com/books/i-love-you-but-im-not-in-love-with-you-seven-steps-to-saving-your-relationship/

I'd recommend couples therapy, if she's willing.

If you aren’t sure what you want, I’d book yourself a session with a counsellor, use the BACP website to find a qualified person. They will help you talk things through and listen in an impartial way and help you come up with and navigate a plan.

If you want to see if you have something worth saving, I’d approach her and ask her to attend relationship counselling with you.

I think you'll read that's part of the problem - not the whole thing.

I also think that the lack of intimate closeness of sex is a real issue if it's not happening. You might as well be siblings living together!

To be honest, I don't know why you haven't already ended this marriage. Neither of you sound particularly happy and, as there are no children involved, you could end it with the minimum of upset and disruption. It really doesn't matter what your family thinks - you need to do what's best for you. And if you don't love your wife, it would also be better for her if you separated. But first you need to have an honest conversation and decide whether this is relationship that can be resurrected or one that needs to be finished as cleanly and civilly as possible.

If I'm honest I feel like its over already. You're no longer compatible. You're still young and have a lot of life to live. You only get one go at this!!. I wouldn't have put up with no sex at all in my 40's. That would have been heartbreaking. Its just sad but I really think its time to move on.

I had a friend who realised he wanted children when he was nearing his 40's. He was married and they were child free. Wife still didnt want any kids so they split. They both married other people and he has 2 kids. It was amicable.

I think you will regret staying if you have so many things you want to do that she doesn't share.

Totally agree. OP seems to think if thinks it, she must know it. He doesn't express to his wife how he feels - he thinks she should "know what he wants". But he seems quite happy to talk to his mates about the intimate details of his marriage and posts about it as "my mates think .....". She goes to bed at 7, he waits till later. He says she has said to him she wants him to initiate, but he doesn't go with her at 7pm, waits till later when she is too tired There is not one part in the original post where he says how he may have contributed to the state of the relationship. Even his positive comments about her are double edged. "heart of gold and time for everyone" - except him. "climbed the ladder to a very successful career" that diverts all her time and attention on. When another poster asserts perhaps tension may come from her having a more successful career and him being in a more junior position they get "excuse me???. Perhaps her successful career does rankle.

It just sounds like he is trying to justify a decision he has already made, both with his mates and on here.

I'm not saying there aren't faults in the relationship, maybe most of them are hers, who knows. But it takes two to make it work and honesty from both.

I’m sorry but what are you actually doing to make this work??? Is there any romance? Or just demands? Because your lack of a sex life might be because you’re not sexy … you don’t sound it to me! You sound like a moany fucker who expects your wife to make you happy! Flirt with her, buy her some flowers, book a weekend away and tell her she’s not going to be working. Let her know how much she impresses you. Anyone that goes to bed early to read when she has a man cooking the dinner and cleaning … doesn’t fancy him anymore.

There are groups of people that go on coach trips etc within the UK and abroad that you could look into for yourself. Try one out and see how you feel after.

He is 41, not 81!

From what I've read I think your wife has taken you for granted. She is living the single life with the benefits of having someone to cook and clean up almost every day? Inviting people over without checking in with her husband? The lack of respect there even for a room mate is shocking.

I call it BS about being shy. She's 12 years older than you she knows what she's doing. Blaming on menopause is a cop out as many women are active at that age whether it's being a mum or grandma.

I would suggest booking a place that's good for a long meal and wine. Always good for those hard discussion. Lay it out on the table what's not working for you guys right now. See if you guys need couple therapy and go from there.

This is no relationship. People can be nice as a person but doesn't make it the right partner for you. I feel the right partner will want to be a team with you, do things for each other because you care and enjoy being around and do life with. Both will need to put effort in to work. Lack of financial compatibility usually means there's something bigger behind that. Like lack of shared values and goals in life. That should have been the red flag as she's also 12 years older with a great job and no savings to contribute to a deposit.

Using "myself" in place of "I" or "me" is a common error in proper English known as untriggered reflexivity. I would argue, that while it is acceptable for "yous" to speak Hibrrno/English it is unacceptable to write it

There are two words many people write that make my toes curl.🤣Number one using of as in should of instead of have and yous as in both of yous 😫

I think "yous" is regarded by most people in Ireland as wrong. "Ye" is still widely in use. The unbound reflexive pronoun is a core feature of Hiberno-English. "Is it yourself?" is a common greeting.