To want more from life?

[JustHereForTheBins]

I really need some female perspective please as this past year I've been going over the same question in my mind on repeat which is "do I want more from my life", basically. My mates think I should end my marriage but I'm also very aware they are probably bias towards my situation, although they are all in marriages themselves...

For a bit of background, I've been with my wife since I was 26, now 41 & we've been married for 11 of those years. She's all I know, my first love and only real serious relationship. We've had many happy years but the past 3-4 I feel like we've drifted apart.

Main issue at the moment is that she has become really insular and focused solely on her career, I feel like I'm bottom of the pecking order. I'm just going to list reasons I feel like this as bullet points.

• The big one and where I feel all our issues stemmed from is that she moved her sister in during Covid (divorce) but I wasn't given the heads up on this. We jointly own our house, it's a small 3 bed and she stayed for nearly 2 years. I felt like a stranger in my own home.
• From the point in time I mentioned above, our sex life stopped completely. There has been nothing for nearly 4 years now. I have brought this up with her but she says she is shy and she needs me to initiate it? Trouble is she goes up to bed at 7pm (sometimes 8) as she likes to read and she's fast asleep by the time I go up.
• We don't really spend any time together. I cook every evening and by the time I've cleaned down it's pretty much her bed time and I sit and watch a show/game by myself.
• Even at weekends, she doesn't seem to want to do much or like leaving the house. There's so much I want to experience in life. Even to just go to London for the day or a city break somewhere. We haven't had a holiday abroad in nearly 8 years and never actually been on a holiday just us two, my parents or her family have always tagged along. The last holiday she worked everyday sitting by the pool. She can't switch off. My birthday last year we had a dinner booked and that got cancelled and we did lunch instead because she had a work meeting. I have brought holidays up with her but there's always an excuse as to why we can't go.

I don't know whether I'm being overly harsh. I feel like I haven't left my home town in years and she's happy with this quiet life we lead, but I'm not anymore. I know work is her main focus and she's done amazingly well and reached a career high point, and I'm incredibly proud of her, but it's come at a cost. She is also 12 years older than myself so I wonder whether this has become a factor in our relationship too?

I need to add that she is an amazing lady. She does have a heart of gold and will do anything for anybody, but I just feel like I've been left along the way. I really don't know what to do or if this marriage can be saved. I don't want her to change as a person, I know she would make an effort to do more if she really thought she had lost me, but I want someone to 'want' to do those things with me. My family adore her and have never known divorce (parents married over 40 years) and everyone would take our break up incredibly badly.

Any advice would be amazing please.

Why is it that every post like this involves moaning about not getting enough sex?

Have you told her how you feel and what in the relationship is making you wonder if you should end it?

I doubt you will get many posts that don’t tell you to start there.

When you do that listen, really listen to how she responds. Maybe she thinks you have reached the end of the road. Or maybe she’s happy the way things are and won’t adjust to make you happier. Or maybe she is also unhappy in the relationship and would like to make changes. Couples counselling would probably be a good place to start as the problems have run for so long, an outside perspective might help you unpick them in a quicker, kinder way than wading through it together.

A sexless marriage can be heartbreaking for either sex. Obviously

Do you have DC?

She's a lot older than you, in terms of stages of life, she'll be menopausal a d have a tonne of things happening with her body
It's fine to end a relationship for any reason, if you're not happy and it can't be worked on, everyone else's opinions aren't relevant, they can be disappointed all they want.

If the barrier to sex is different bedtimes, I would have thought the answer was obvious!

Her sister staying for two years at which point your sex life ended was the signal for you to run.

To quote every one of these threads where the woman has a problem...it's time to get your ducks in a row!

But literally every post on Mn by someone who says he is a man is about not getting enough sex, even when it’s sometimes dressed up in pseudo-philosophical terms.

This is sad to read. After so long together though I wouldn’t leave without throwing the kitchen sink at it, counselling and making it really clear to her this is the absolute last shot. It sounds like she’s totally oblivious at the moment.

Do not make it about sex with her (it’s totally valid you are sad about this, but keep it to yourself). Even bringing up sex will pressurise her and drive her further from you. If you can get the rest of the relationship back on track the sex will follow. If it doesn’t you need to have a really honest talk with her about whether she still fancies you and what may be happening to her body due to menopause.

Realistically, men are far more sex-focused than women, on average. Is this news to you?

Having said that, I do think four years without sex while still relatively young would be an indicator of problems in the marriage for both men and women. It may just be something women generally tend to find easier to live with.

Because sex is an important part of a relationship!

Why don't you go to the bedroom at 7 or 8 with her and initiate sex then?

Sounds like the age gap is really starting to show, a woman in her early 50s will have a boatload of hormonal shit going on, will probably be absolutely knackered (hence all the sleep) and may well be feeling like the one area where she has always excelled and based her sense of self (her career) is being stolen by brain fog, tiredness and having to work so much harder to stay at the same level. The reluctance to go on holiday sounds like she’s scared of stepping back and not being able to catch up.
How has the relationship been previously @JustHereForTheBins? Assuming she’s the higher earner, made most of the big decisions about where you live etc and you as the more junior partner have added where you can (cooking, housework) but basically gone along for the ride?
Do you think she knows you actually love her, not just the life you’ve built together? Assuming you do still love her of course

Excuse me???

Nobody can tell you what to do, becuse the only answer here is that the two of you need some open communication about each other and your relationship. It's likely both of you have thoughts and opinions you're keeping to yourselves, but since a relationship is a partnership it's time to get honest with each other.

You need to see if you're on the same page about your relationship, first and foremost - do you both love each other and want to work on what you've got? If the answer is no or ambivalence, it's time to go your separate ways.

If the answer from both of you is a firm yes, you can go from there and work out what each of you wants and how to get each of your needs met, both within your relationship and outside of it.

I actually wouldn’t recommend this, I bet she is really knackered at the end of the day and just looking forward to chilling in bed with her book. Adding pressure for sex to that period of the day would feel really invasive.

Instead I would focus on spending quality time with her at the weekend, when it sounds like she is at home with you most of the time anyway. What is she doing all day? If she won’t go out can you watch a series together or read the same book at the same time and talk about it or do an activity together that sparks conversation?

And from there build gradually to sex.

not getting enough sex and not having sex at all for 4 years are very very different things

Do you have children?

Is her sister still there?

I would tell her you have something important to discuss and arrange a time, out of the house, away from any distractions, when you have her undivided attention.

Tell her you feel the marriage is falling apart and you need her honest input on what she wants and needs, and for her to listen to your honest input on your wants and needs. You both need to listen without justifying or attacking.

Say what you would like and what you are prepared to do to improve it, and ask what she would like and what she is prepared to do to improve it. Discuss divorce as an option and how to go about it amicably if it turns out to be the best decision.

Edited to add - if you do have children, I would move heaven and earth to make the marriage work before breaking up their home. If there were violence or serious issues around gambling, drink, drugs etc, I would go, but just a marriage getting stale, is, imo, not a good enough reason to rupture a child's stability.

Well it depends. If some of the issues you've described resolved, do you think you'd be happy to stay married? If yes, then you absolutely need to have some open and honest communication about it.

But if there are larger issues at play, ones that can't be solved eg the age difference is an issue for you now, then you’re probably best walking away. Only you know the answer to that.

But assuming you think you could be happy if some of these issues were addressed, then at least give her an opportunity to work through them with you. Sometimes we get complacent, distracted or just bury our heads in the sand in relationships, but most reasonable people, who love their spouses are willing to put effort in and work on things once they become aware of a problem.

No one should stay in a marriage that makes them miserable. It sounds like you and your wife have grown apart over the last 4 years. You can either try to fix this - which will only work if your wife wants to fix it with you - or you can leave. Leaving doesn't need to involve you being horrible and cruel to your wife, you can do your best to be kind through the divorce and to split assets fairly.

Have you sat your wife down and told her striaght up how unhappy you are? Have you asked about changes you could make (and whilst the sex is important I'd lead with spending more time together and being more adventurous before you start on the "must shag once a month" stuff)? Have you discussed counselling? Have you asked if she is also unhappy and what she might want to change?

Or have you gone past the point of wanting to try in which case I'd end it as kindly as you can but expect your lives to be turned upseide down for a year whilst divorcing and don't expect to have a girlfriend immediately and to be getting buckets of hot unfettered sex - that really isn't reality for middle aged men (or women for that matter!) Do you want to travel and do all this fun stuff alone?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It sounds like you still love and admire your wife, but you're lonely in the marriage and missing having a life together. Four years without intimacy and so little quality time is a lot to carry. I'd have one really honest conversation with her about what you need and ask whether she's genuinely willing to work on things together. You deserve to feel wanted too, not just like you're sharing a house.

Harsh replies here. If this was a woman I think the answers would be very different.

op, I feel for you. It is not fair that she cancelled plans for your birthday, or moved your sister in without asking you, or never makes time for you. You’re not wrong to want more out of life. She sounds like she has stopped making an effort in the relationship and that is heartbreaking for you.

in your shoes I would have a serious talk and see if she really wants to try again. It would involve her recognising what you’re going through and making some lifestyle changes to put you first for a while.

So your older wife doesn’t want to have sex. Is that it in a nutshell?

If you are 41, she is 53, so she's approaching or in the middle of the menopause.

Her hormones will be changing and likely her sex drive is reducing. This doesn't mean your sex life ends just that it needs adjusting and a bit of work.

At 53, she is probably tired, and having to work harder and harder to maintain the pace at work, and maintain her income. She will have a firm eye on her pension, packing in as much contribution as possible, because if she loses her job or is made redundant, it might be very hard for her to find an equivalent role/salary.

How close to being paid up is your mortgage? She is probably calculating how many years left she has at high earnings before her ability to pay a mortgage reduces.

You need to talk to her about her thoughts on the future... work, pension, mortgage, retirement, sex, menopause, HRT.

Her life will be changing significantly. You need to communicate, and be sure you know what her immediate objectives and worries are. If you share them, they should become less of an issue.