To want more from life?

[JustHereForTheBins]

I really need some female perspective please as this past year I've been going over the same question in my mind on repeat which is "do I want more from my life", basically. My mates think I should end my marriage but I'm also very aware they are probably bias towards my situation, although they are all in marriages themselves...

For a bit of background, I've been with my wife since I was 26, now 41 & we've been married for 11 of those years. She's all I know, my first love and only real serious relationship. We've had many happy years but the past 3-4 I feel like we've drifted apart.

Main issue at the moment is that she has become really insular and focused solely on her career, I feel like I'm bottom of the pecking order. I'm just going to list reasons I feel like this as bullet points.

• The big one and where I feel all our issues stemmed from is that she moved her sister in during Covid (divorce) but I wasn't given the heads up on this. We jointly own our house, it's a small 3 bed and she stayed for nearly 2 years. I felt like a stranger in my own home.
• From the point in time I mentioned above, our sex life stopped completely. There has been nothing for nearly 4 years now. I have brought this up with her but she says she is shy and she needs me to initiate it? Trouble is she goes up to bed at 7pm (sometimes 8) as she likes to read and she's fast asleep by the time I go up.
• We don't really spend any time together. I cook every evening and by the time I've cleaned down it's pretty much her bed time and I sit and watch a show/game by myself.
• Even at weekends, she doesn't seem to want to do much or like leaving the house. There's so much I want to experience in life. Even to just go to London for the day or a city break somewhere. We haven't had a holiday abroad in nearly 8 years and never actually been on a holiday just us two, my parents or her family have always tagged along. The last holiday she worked everyday sitting by the pool. She can't switch off. My birthday last year we had a dinner booked and that got cancelled and we did lunch instead because she had a work meeting. I have brought holidays up with her but there's always an excuse as to why we can't go.

I don't know whether I'm being overly harsh. I feel like I haven't left my home town in years and she's happy with this quiet life we lead, but I'm not anymore. I know work is her main focus and she's done amazingly well and reached a career high point, and I'm incredibly proud of her, but it's come at a cost. She is also 12 years older than myself so I wonder whether this has become a factor in our relationship too?

I need to add that she is an amazing lady. She does have a heart of gold and will do anything for anybody, but I just feel like I've been left along the way. I really don't know what to do or if this marriage can be saved. I don't want her to change as a person, I know she would make an effort to do more if she really thought she had lost me, but I want someone to 'want' to do those things with me. My family adore her and have never known divorce (parents married over 40 years) and everyone would take our break up incredibly badly.

Any advice would be amazing please.

Because sex is important in a relationship. I wouldn't stay in a marriage where there was none in 4 years. In fact, I left my last long term relationship for this exact reason.

OP, you don't have to break up your marriage (yet) but you do have to get a life. Realise that your wife doesn't have to have a day out in London with you or go on holiday. If you want to experience these things, you go ahead and do them. There is a real danger of becoming overly reliant on your partner who then feels under enormous pressure to secure your happiness and comfort. And this is not sexy. You have to be your own person. Then, she may come around.
Not really getting the problem of her going to bed at 7pm either. Go and have sex with her at 7pm, then come back downstairs to watch your show.

Interesting that there are so many men lately posting for advice, and it always boils down to a sex issue.

Also Interesting that the OP is around and reading and their only response was saying excuse me to one poster.

I cant help but feel these posts are just trying to get engagement but surely there are better places for men to get advice than a forum made for mums, although maybe thats just me, but it seems a very popular place for men with sex...oops I mean marriage issues, to come lately.

What he means is, AIBU to want more sex from life

From a woman's point of view, I dont think you are being unreasonable, it sounds very stale, its no wonder u want more out of life. You are still young at 41, my advice would be divorce and go live your life, you have no children? so what's stopping you?

But it's not just sex?
The op said they'd moved someone in without asking/even talking about it, she ignores the op, won't spend time with them, won't do household stuff together, won't go anywhere, won't travel, there was a long list of other issues.

Book a really nice short weekend away somewhere easy to get to and no relatives allowed and really talk to each other.
Would you both benefit from attempting marriage guidance counselling?
sometimes work issues do crop up, but she should have compensated for the birthday one, by reorganising it.
Could you without recrimination re organise it yourself... a nice restaurant on a day when she's not swamped and just try to get the conversation going.. In a general way, get her talking about how she's feeling, what she'd like to do for her birthday/christmas etc. I think getting ordinary talking is more important than diving straight into relationship talking.
You know what her routines are... the 7pm bedtime? ask if she could delay that for an hour. Do the washing up the next day.... or go out to the cinema.

Probably because that's an important part of being in a relationship

You could go to bed early once in a while if that's the reason you don't have sex. You may be at different stages of life with a 12 year age gap and she may be happy with a quiet life and think you are too. Are you sure she wouldn't go on a weekend break if you organised it all? She must be entitled to some holiday.

She should have warned you about her sister staying, but I guess she had to help her out, it was difficult organising anything during Covid, but that was a long time ago now are you still brooding over it? Did you fall out with her sister, and her and the lack of sex was a punishment or it was difficult with someone in the next room? Did they spend most of the time together so you felt excluded? There must have been something that you are still so invested in it.

Can you have a frank discussion about spending more quality time together, perhaps she doesn't realise how unhappy you are. It does sound like you have drifted apart and if you can't find a compromise that works for both of you, you are going to be miserable for a long time. It might be time to call it quits.

For everyone asking if the OP has children - I doubt it if the wife is going to bed at 7pm every night? What mum do you know who can do that? And OP has said he is left alone to watch shows or game when she goes to bed, so he is not looking after child / children either.

Your life sounds very dull and boring. - and she is not bothered. . Age gaps get worse with age !!
get out now while you still have a life to live .

No she doesn’t want to go on holiday or spend time with him although not having sex for 4 years would be a deal breaker for me too

Or to travel more? Either way he’s no unreasonable

But it's not just sex. Would you like your husband moving his brother in without warning. Refusing holidays, if they do go working every day?

There are loads of threads on mn where the man has no interest in sex. There is probably one a week.

Theres more to life, get rid. Im the biggest advocate for splitting up if you're miserable, having divorced after a long marriage. Lifes too short. Youre literally house mates

She does have a heart of gold and will do anything for anybody

Apart from doing literally anything for, with, or alongside you. I'm sorry but I would leave. This horse is long dead, stop flogging it.

Because sex is an incredibly important part of a relationship for many (most?) people? The lack of sex in my marriage was a significant reason why it ended.

Where's everyone getting an age gap from? They met at 26, both are now 41.

No he says she is 12 years older than him nearer the end of the post

Getting more from life involves putting more in and this input needs to be focussed - you need to tell her that you are not happy with your life as it is and want to have a serious discussion about it. Book a weekend away and tell her it is for the specific purpose of discussing your future together, not for nights of wild passion at this stage. She needs to know that.

And please stop discussing all this with your "mates" - it is not appropriate for a man to be doing this, any more than a woman moaning about her husband to her friends. That is not a productive way forward and puts your wife in an uncomfortable position if she finds out you have been talking to them rather than to her.

If you want things to change you need to take action. Or leave things as they are and stop sounding off in the pub.

"She is also 12 years older than myself"

Me. The word is me.

My bad. It was a long OP 🫪

Because sex is an important part of a relationship.

Without sex, it is basically just a friendship or roommates - so what’s the point in staying in a relationship?

We’re not talking a few weeks, it’s been 4 years with no sex and seemingly very little/no intimacy.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

In a perfect world marriages would last forever but this isn’t a perfect world and people change and become incompatible.

Be honest with how you feel and say if things don’t change then you’ll need to leave.

Give yourself 6 months and then decide.

You can also travel and do hobbies etc without her, which may help.

Do you have DCs?

No one’s denying that, just wondering why about 98% of Mumsnet posts by men are about how to make their wives want to have sex with them.

Why, have you farted?