To want more from life?

[JustHereForTheBins]

I really need some female perspective please as this past year I've been going over the same question in my mind on repeat which is "do I want more from my life", basically. My mates think I should end my marriage but I'm also very aware they are probably bias towards my situation, although they are all in marriages themselves...

For a bit of background, I've been with my wife since I was 26, now 41 & we've been married for 11 of those years. She's all I know, my first love and only real serious relationship. We've had many happy years but the past 3-4 I feel like we've drifted apart.

Main issue at the moment is that she has become really insular and focused solely on her career, I feel like I'm bottom of the pecking order. I'm just going to list reasons I feel like this as bullet points.

• The big one and where I feel all our issues stemmed from is that she moved her sister in during Covid (divorce) but I wasn't given the heads up on this. We jointly own our house, it's a small 3 bed and she stayed for nearly 2 years. I felt like a stranger in my own home.
• From the point in time I mentioned above, our sex life stopped completely. There has been nothing for nearly 4 years now. I have brought this up with her but she says she is shy and she needs me to initiate it? Trouble is she goes up to bed at 7pm (sometimes 8) as she likes to read and she's fast asleep by the time I go up.
• We don't really spend any time together. I cook every evening and by the time I've cleaned down it's pretty much her bed time and I sit and watch a show/game by myself.
• Even at weekends, she doesn't seem to want to do much or like leaving the house. There's so much I want to experience in life. Even to just go to London for the day or a city break somewhere. We haven't had a holiday abroad in nearly 8 years and never actually been on a holiday just us two, my parents or her family have always tagged along. The last holiday she worked everyday sitting by the pool. She can't switch off. My birthday last year we had a dinner booked and that got cancelled and we did lunch instead because she had a work meeting. I have brought holidays up with her but there's always an excuse as to why we can't go.

I don't know whether I'm being overly harsh. I feel like I haven't left my home town in years and she's happy with this quiet life we lead, but I'm not anymore. I know work is her main focus and she's done amazingly well and reached a career high point, and I'm incredibly proud of her, but it's come at a cost. She is also 12 years older than myself so I wonder whether this has become a factor in our relationship too?

I need to add that she is an amazing lady. She does have a heart of gold and will do anything for anybody, but I just feel like I've been left along the way. I really don't know what to do or if this marriage can be saved. I don't want her to change as a person, I know she would make an effort to do more if she really thought she had lost me, but I want someone to 'want' to do those things with me. My family adore her and have never known divorce (parents married over 40 years) and everyone would take our break up incredibly badly.

Any advice would be amazing please.

You deserve SO much better than this. This is no life, don’t waste any more of yours.

I’m the same age as your wife, I’m knackered and as for sex I basically can’t be arsed. I do think the age gap is a big factor. The lack of holidays is miserable too. You’re young enough for a fresh start. To be honest from what you’ve posted I expect your wife wouldn’t be that bothered to split.

I feel there is more to this……If not it’s just the age gap is now showing. Age gaps are better the younger you are!

Did you even actually read this whole thread. Get a grip of yourself and stop posting crap like your answer.

Agree 100%

Life is short. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage. Of course try counselling if she'd agree .But basically, yes you have to find happiness. Best wishes

I have read all your answers and it sounds like that Covid restrictions plus maybe menapouse really impacted your wife.

Perhaps the answer may lie in having some counselling if she would agree to it. Four years is a very long time to go without some kind of intimacy of any kind.

There are groups of people that go on coach trips etc within the UK and abroad that you could look into for yourself. Try one out and see how you feel after.

Your whole situation is a minefield given your parents inheritance, your savings etc. and her lack of contribution. From this angle you need to have a serious conversation with a solicitor that specialises in divorce because your wife now has everything and you seem to have nothing despite providing it all.

Take care of yourself x

I would have left years ago - no sex, no company, no holidays, no respect, no input into decisions, a small insular life!

You are housemates and not even friendly ones at that.

You are 41, you should be living your best life, no being a passive passenger in your life.

Your wife doesn't give a shit - she's fully aware there's no intimacy, not just sex and she's done nothing about it because she doesn't care.

Conservation long over due about the state of your relationship. I wouldn't even bother with couples counselling.

Get out, got out, live, have fun, go places, do things - enjoy yourself.

Hasn't said its a man

I believe that was only 25% of the issue. It wasnt soley moaning about lack of sex and I have noticed on MN that a woman complains about man wanting sex the man is a pest and should leave her alone. Woman wants more sex than man he is having an affair, out order he should want to want his partner, clearly doesnt love her anymore etc.

MN Cliches coning your way.
-Get all you ducks in a row
-Divorce her
-Death Grip

Life too short, you want to spend the next forty years innthis situation?

Would agree that before I discovered MN I had no idea how many women were in sexless relationships or limited sex relationships with men.

I also think that more women are dropping the previous generational hang ups and demanding better and more sex in later life. I think the current research says that over 50s are having more sex than younger couples.

Your friends are right, you should leave. You are only 41 and don't have children with her. It's hard to leave when it's all you have ever known but hopefully you two can remain friends and still support one another. She is clearly checked out anyway. Organise a flat for yourself somewhere and tell her it's over. I wouldn't bother with counsellor if you are already four years sexless with no DC. If kids were involving, sure. But you are still young enough to meet someone else and have the life you actually want to have. I also think next time you should find someone closer in age to yourself.

It's not that he's not getting enough, it's that he's not getting any! Four years without sex, living like flat mates, feeling unfulfilled and unimportant. No holidays, no fun times. Life is too blooming short. That's not a marriage.

It's so annoying when people don't read the post properly then bore us all with their inane comments 🙄

"She is also 12 years older than myself so I wonder whether this has become a factor in our relationship too?"

I wouldn’t break up over this situation without therapy.

She’s at an age where hormones really impact your interest in sex, but there can be solutions to this.

You need a space where you can talk through these issues with a professional. Be honest with her, tell her how you can’t go on like this and want to go to therapy. Find a therapist that has special training and experience in couples therapy, don’t go to just anyone. You sound like you still have love and respect for each other and need some help figuring out if there is a way to move forward.

It sounds like she has checked out of the marriage and you are just a house buddy.
Why does she go to bed so early? For all of those on here moaning about you bringing up sex, ignore them. I’m the same age as your wife and I would be very sad if I hadn’t had sex with my husband in 4 years.Life is too short and you are young, so move on and start living your life. I wish you well.

Forget the sex nonsense, nobody is going to give you advice on how to get more sex.

You are stuck in a rut, you can fuck it up and have an affair like a cliche and ruin what you have. OR!!! You can tell her that you are very worried about your current situation and don’t feel as though you are spending enough time enjoying your lives together. Suggest making an effort for a date night once a week/fortnight, lighten her mental load so she has more time for your relationship and in return maybe she can take a break from work occasionally.

And of all that fails but you want it to work, you could always try counselling. Just don’t be the cheating cliche, it’s even more embarrassing than a comb-over and sports car.

It's an absolute myth women lose their sex drive in their 50s, 60s & older, at least in my case & that of my contemporaries. There are women with hormonal or health issues which can affect libido although you can't generalise & say its only a minority of older women who are still interested. In fact post menopause many women become more sexually active especially due to no fear of becoming pregnant in later life.

Try working in your own life first. You say you haven’t left your home town in years- I don’t understand why that is on your wife. Go and do all these things . Then look at your relationship. So many people seem to be unhappy and put this at the door of their partner.

when you start working in your own life the condition of your relationship will become more apparent.

@JustHereForTheBins

This.

@JustHereForTheBins

Also this, in the sense of creating more of the life you want for yourself, it’ll help your perspective. It may even inspire your wife, but don’t bank on that, you need to do it for you.

And leave this marriage before you start getting sex elsewhere….

This doesn't sound like a marriage. Is there anything worth saving?

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want more from life.

From what you say your wife does not seem to consider you in her choices or decisions.

You are both doing your own thing. This seems to suit your wife more than you. Warmth, friendship, attraction and partnership are essential for a healthy relationship. And I don't think you have these in your relationship.

It's okay for you to want to end your relationship but please speak to her first. Counselling could be an option.

Can you carry on for the next 10 years like this? 20years?

Your wife seems to have already made her decision about what she wants from life. Currently it doesn't involve you in the way that you want.

Wrong. It depends on the dialect. This is standard in Hiberno-English and always has been.

Here we all posting on this thread and OP never comes back.
The next time a man starts a thread about how he does the housework and wants remember this is why we give these tossers short shrift.