To want more from life?

[JustHereForTheBins]

I really need some female perspective please as this past year I've been going over the same question in my mind on repeat which is "do I want more from my life", basically. My mates think I should end my marriage but I'm also very aware they are probably bias towards my situation, although they are all in marriages themselves...

For a bit of background, I've been with my wife since I was 26, now 41 & we've been married for 11 of those years. She's all I know, my first love and only real serious relationship. We've had many happy years but the past 3-4 I feel like we've drifted apart.

Main issue at the moment is that she has become really insular and focused solely on her career, I feel like I'm bottom of the pecking order. I'm just going to list reasons I feel like this as bullet points.

• The big one and where I feel all our issues stemmed from is that she moved her sister in during Covid (divorce) but I wasn't given the heads up on this. We jointly own our house, it's a small 3 bed and she stayed for nearly 2 years. I felt like a stranger in my own home.
• From the point in time I mentioned above, our sex life stopped completely. There has been nothing for nearly 4 years now. I have brought this up with her but she says she is shy and she needs me to initiate it? Trouble is she goes up to bed at 7pm (sometimes 8) as she likes to read and she's fast asleep by the time I go up.
• We don't really spend any time together. I cook every evening and by the time I've cleaned down it's pretty much her bed time and I sit and watch a show/game by myself.
• Even at weekends, she doesn't seem to want to do much or like leaving the house. There's so much I want to experience in life. Even to just go to London for the day or a city break somewhere. We haven't had a holiday abroad in nearly 8 years and never actually been on a holiday just us two, my parents or her family have always tagged along. The last holiday she worked everyday sitting by the pool. She can't switch off. My birthday last year we had a dinner booked and that got cancelled and we did lunch instead because she had a work meeting. I have brought holidays up with her but there's always an excuse as to why we can't go.

I don't know whether I'm being overly harsh. I feel like I haven't left my home town in years and she's happy with this quiet life we lead, but I'm not anymore. I know work is her main focus and she's done amazingly well and reached a career high point, and I'm incredibly proud of her, but it's come at a cost. She is also 12 years older than myself so I wonder whether this has become a factor in our relationship too?

I need to add that she is an amazing lady. She does have a heart of gold and will do anything for anybody, but I just feel like I've been left along the way. I really don't know what to do or if this marriage can be saved. I don't want her to change as a person, I know she would make an effort to do more if she really thought she had lost me, but I want someone to 'want' to do those things with me. My family adore her and have never known divorce (parents married over 40 years) and everyone would take our break up incredibly badly.

Any advice would be amazing please.

Yes, this. Go upstairs, bring her a martini, crack on with the good stuff.

Do you actually initiate sex? What happens?

What would happen if you went to bed as early as her then got up later after (possibly) sex?

ETA I see it has been suggested

I think inviting her sister to live with you without consulting you, for 2 years IS grounds alone for divorce.
Get legal advice.
Your marriage is long over.

Oh come off it!

It seems to be you who is focused on sex, @WinterAfternoons . There's plenty of other problematic things mentioned in the op yet that's what you choose to focus on.

You have asked for a female prospective and you will get that on here no holds barred usually lol. What have your male friends said about it ? Do you have any male friends?

At 41 you have spent half your twenties and all your 30's with someone who will likely of done some of the things you want to do when she was younger. She has moved her sister in without asking and is now playing family with her nieces & nephews and your not having sex.

Think its time to leave if I am honest. I think you know that also. She may be glad that you have cut her free. At 41 with no children you cook, clean take the bins out and sound like a niceish guy (baring the excuse me which made you sound like a bit of a bell end but benefit of the doubt and all that)

You could easily find someone 10 years younger who is single childless and looking to settle down. You could have a family and have another life with more joy and happiness. If you leave it any longer you and the pool of women will be older and you will regret not taking action

Best of luck x

@JustHereForTheBins. It sounds like she doesn't want to leave the house and has become very insular? Do you work from home as well?

Time to start a new life .

Oh come on! There was a lot more to it than just that.

Menopause is just one of the many reasons why age gap relationships where the woman is older are statistically less successful than those where the man is older.

My aunt’s husband was 18 years younger. He just up and left one day to run off with a woman his own age from work.

One of my colleague’s younger partner deserted when her health declined.

A colleague at my last employer ended up dating a woman in the same department before his wife had died. She was in a care home with advanced MS. I bumped into them in the pub about a year ago, his wife has now died and they’re still together, but I can’t help feel judgy about it.

I wouldn’t be looking for a replacement whilst my husband was dying in an awful way, but that’s where I think men differ again. And studies back up that men enter new relationships much quicker and at higher rates after the death of a spouse.

I think men really don’t like the idea of potentially taking on a carer role and the novelty of an experienced older woman starts to wear off when the age difference becomes more apparent, physically and mentally.

“Men’s distress in midlife is often more visible/external (impulsive purchases, risk-taking, affairs, withdrawal, or irritability), while women’s is more often internalized (reflection on roles, relationships, identity, or linked to perimenopause/menopause and caregiving burdens”

Maybe my opinions are skewed because I’ve seen some real life examples.

Anyway, it sounds like you have other issues, her inviting her sister to live with you without consulting you is appalling, but it’s over now. You also don’t like her spending habits, but say she’s a lovely woman.

The question is do you think the grass is greener? Are you planning on looking for a younger woman, because anyone in that age bracket is likely to have the same things going on (hormonally) as your wife. It’s a bit risky to give up on someone good in the hopes you will get a shag or a holiday.

You are definitely not unreasonable to want more from life. What happens when you try to discuss these issues with her? Would you consider couples counselling to help you talk things through.

Another option is to accept that, at least at the moment, your marriage gives you a lot, but is not going to give you a companion for an active social life or travelling. You can go out and do those things by yourself or with friends. Just not the sex bit. And you need to keep talking to her and telling her that you'd love to do those things with her, but if she won't join you then you will do them by yourself.

I actually think that for many of us it is not a good idea to rely on one person for all your fun and adventure and interests. It's up to you to go out and get more out of life. It doesn't necessarily have to mean giving up on your marriage. She's chosen to focus on work, you could focus on other things.

I'd go up to bed at 7 or 8 ... you can come down and watch slow horses or crush candies after....

Separately I'd ask her if she is open to marriage counselling and arrange that before ending things

She hasn't said that she doesn't want sex, so why don't you go to bed with her at the same time she does?

The clearing up can wait.

Such an unfair comment. Op has written a honest post about being neglected by his wife in several ways not just sexually. Why have you honed in on that?

Because a healthy and fulfilling sex life often goes hand-in-hand with a healthy and fulfilling marriage. It’s a glue that binds us together. I’m not saying you can’t have a good marriage without sex, but it is much more difficult to sustain without intimacy.

Ah, that's disappointing. I thought you might have said it in response to the PP stereotypes and generalisations about older women. Triumph of hope over experience.

I'm all for saving marriages OP. On this occasion I'm 100% with you & feel you have every right to take a step back. This lady obviously has little need for intimacy, far less with you. Amazing she may be & it does sound like it. The fact is her interests don't lie with you or within your marriage. It's time to talk.

This!

We had a family member stay at our home, far less time, during the covid era. It nearly destroyed us and is still causing problems all these years later. And we currently also have my adult DC living with us. And in the third room my DP works. So I completely get how the privacy etc disappears and it doesn’t feel like your own home anymore.

I’m the older woman in my relationship, eight year difference. I’m mid 50s so similar to your wife but I also have bad health problems .I have had to stop working and I’m in bed early as not well. I’m currently housebound. I’d never have chosen this but it’s just how things are.

So there are big similarities between your situation and mine. We aren’t doing too well either for all of the above reasons. My DP also works away at least half of the month so adds to the strain. He and I have no answers to our situation either right now so we are just keeping going, we couldn’t afford to split up. My half of the house is paid for with my savings from my old career but we still have a mortgage for the other half. So we are just carrying on as we are for now.

my DP has been away a lot of hobbies this year so two weekends away every month and that’s helped him greatly, you could try something similar. Find out what things you like to do. Just because your wife is happy at home you don’t have to always be there. I’ve told my DP to go off and explore the world and have adventures (I just wish I was there as well but that’s not his fault).

this

I think it's so unfair on women that they're expected to have sex that they don't want or try to artificially increase their sex drive. Or they lose their relationship and spend the rest of their life alone. I'm pretty sure that in the past, men accepted it more and the couple stayed together....I don't imagine my grandparents were having sex in their fifties/sixties but they were still more than just friends.

I find that so many men have absolutely no clue that post menopausal women lose their sex drive. I also think that a lot of younger women don't properly realise this because you don't think about it too much until it's gone and will get quite a nasty shock. I know a lot of women will say they're still having sex in later life but I think they're rare.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship. If you're not having sex you may as well be housemates.

Are we rare? I'm 62 and still having sex 🤷🏻

I agree. Sex is important, the only way a no sex or limited sex relationship can work is if your sexual appetite is the same.

I am perimenopausal and 51, quite frankly if my partner was not interested in sex that would be a huge problem, and if it was no sex and not wanting to do anything anymore as a couple or travelling and up in bed by 7/8pm then I wouldn’t be able to stay with that person, we would have grown too far apart.

Yeah I’m not understanding that either, most of my friends are still having a healthy sex life we are aged between 50 and 55, I mean it’s not 2-3 times a day like in our 20s but it’s certainly more than once or twice a month!

In fact they are all complaining about how boring their early 60s male partners are 😂