I really need some female perspective please as this past year I've been going over the same question in my mind on repeat which is "do I want more from my life", basically. My mates think I should end my marriage but I'm also very aware they are probably bias towards my situation, although they are all in marriages themselves...
For a bit of background, I've been with my wife since I was 26, now 41 & we've been married for 11 of those years. She's all I know, my first love and only real serious relationship. We've had many happy years but the past 3-4 I feel like we've drifted apart.
Main issue at the moment is that she has become really insular and focused solely on her career, I feel like I'm bottom of the pecking order. I'm just going to list reasons I feel like this as bullet points.
- The big one and where I feel all our issues stemmed from is that she moved her sister in during Covid (divorce) but I wasn't given the heads up on this. We jointly own our house, it's a small 3 bed and she stayed for nearly 2 years. I felt like a stranger in my own home.
- From the point in time I mentioned above, our sex life stopped completely. There has been nothing for nearly 4 years now. I have brought this up with her but she says she is shy and she needs me to initiate it? Trouble is she goes up to bed at 7pm (sometimes 8) as she likes to read and she's fast asleep by the time I go up.
- We don't really spend any time together. I cook every evening and by the time I've cleaned down it's pretty much her bed time and I sit and watch a show/game by myself.
- Even at weekends, she doesn't seem to want to do much or like leaving the house. There's so much I want to experience in life. Even to just go to London for the day or a city break somewhere. We haven't had a holiday abroad in nearly 8 years and never actually been on a holiday just us two, my parents or her family have always tagged along. The last holiday she worked everyday sitting by the pool. She can't switch off. My birthday last year we had a dinner booked and that got cancelled and we did lunch instead because she had a work meeting. I have brought holidays up with her but there's always an excuse as to why we can't go.
I don't know whether I'm being overly harsh. I feel like I haven't left my home town in years and she's happy with this quiet life we lead, but I'm not anymore. I know work is her main focus and she's done amazingly well and reached a career high point, and I'm incredibly proud of her, but it's come at a cost. She is also 12 years older than myself so I wonder whether this has become a factor in our relationship too?
I need to add that she is an amazing lady. She does have a heart of gold and will do anything for anybody, but I just feel like I've been left along the way. I really don't know what to do or if this marriage can be saved. I don't want her to change as a person, I know she would make an effort to do more if she really thought she had lost me, but I want someone to 'want' to do those things with me. My family adore her and have never known divorce (parents married over 40 years) and everyone would take our break up incredibly badly.
Any advice would be amazing please.