Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

I agree.

Can you squeeze a double bed in the small room and put your DS in the bigger room with the younger one?

OP, When my adult DS needed somewhere to stay, I had a disabled 3 year old.
DS was given a mattress on the frontroom floor and he stored it behind the sofa every morning and pulled it out every night.
It wasn't ideal but I couldn't have slept at night knowing he was on the streets and homeless.
Like I told him, so long as there is breath in my body, there will always be space for him here.
If my DH had expressed any objections to me putting a roof over my sons head in his time of need, I would have felt a burning fury inside and that is what would damage my marriage.
DH is NOT my sons father, but so what?? He's my son and while I am alive, he will always have somewhere to lay his head at night and cook himself something.

What are you most worried about OP? Because there's a lot more here than what you are telling.
Are you afraid of your DH? Are you afraid of him deserting you? Do either you or your DH have a poor relationship with your DS? What's really going on?

Has he spoken to the housing department at the council? He can present as homeless, he can say you can’t take him in, you’re not obliged to. He’ll be put in temporary accommodation but at least then he’d be eligible for housing benefit which should cover his rent. Then he’ll have his UC while he looks for a job.

Oh, well, I guess he’ll just have to sleep on the streets then. That’s a shame.

Have you heard yourself? You said he’s a hard worker who’s desperately looking for work and yet you’re not willing to even give him a temporary sofa to keep him off the streets? Why are you predicting that it’s going to be basically forever and the death of your marriage? It’s a sofa while he gets a new job, not a promise of being his servant for the rest of his life. He might even be able to help you with the 4 year old and you might be able to have a little break occasionally. How much will it really cost your husband for someone to sleep on the sofa and use a bit of electricity? (Not that you’d be sat in the dark presumably anyway).

He’s going to be low priority as a single able bodied person.

If you were my mother and you thought of every reason why I couldn’t come back for this very genuine reason, I would never forget or forgive.

A he is in danger of homelessness the housing department at his local council should give him advice. He can also apply to them for a discretionary housing payment to cover the shortfall in his rent.

Not normally that easy for single males at least in my area. Also once in temp accommodation it's very hard to work as when earning more than a pittance, the rent shoots sky high.

If you go into this thinking it's going to destroy your marriage, then it will.

Take a step back. It's not going to destroy anything. DS just needs to work really hard to find some sort of income.

I wouldn't see my son homeless because he had lost his job no matter how old he was, even if he had to sleep on an air mattress on the floor. There is room for him, even if there is not a room for him.
You should help him while he looks for work.

i cant believe some of these posts 🥹 i would NEVER turn my child away

Realistically OP’s son isn’t going to become homeless because he can’t pay his full rent for a few months. Benefits will cover a proportion of it in the meantime, and he can arrange a payment schedule to cover arrears when back in work.

OP’s DH sounds unsupportive but that makes OP and her 4YO more vulnerable. It’s easy to say that the marriage is bad, but how will it help anyone if this situation contributes towards it ending?

I think OP should help her son budget, negotiate temporary lower payments if at all possible, pursue discretionary housing benefit payments, and give him any support she can to stay in his rented accommodation.

Anyone on the streets is a priority. Some of them may not present to the council for help/ soke of them given help may not be able to manage their finances / life due to mental health issues/ addiction etc and find themselves homeless repeatedly.
The reason I know this is that I work with vulnerable adults and I know that if you present to a council as homeless they will find you accomodation, it may not be permanent but it I'll be shelter.

I'm inclined to agree but surprised to see I'm in the minority.

I know people these days see being 27 as practically the same as being a teenager. But a 27 year old man should be encouraged to find his way out of a tough spot without running back to Mum.

Not if you are actually homeless in the moment you present to the council..if you don't have anywhere to go they usually do fine you somewhere, it's a bit of a myth that people sleep rough because councils have ignored them

I’ll put my kids before my marriage until I’m cold in the ground.
You could get bunk beds. You could get a sofa bed in the lounge. Charity shops, Facebook free etc could help you out.

You are trapped OP, the father of your youngest child is the one with the most power/leverage in this situation and he has little or no loyalty to your older son.

Why will it destroy you? He’s your son. It sounds like he’s been independent for 6 years and just needs your support for a couple of months. He can use his benefits for his personal outgoings and sleep on the sofa - surely your partner can go without staying up late for a while given the circumstances?? What’s your partner like as I’m getting the sense you’re a bit afraid of him/his reaction more so than the fact your son could end up homeless.

'The small bedroom is not big enough for 2 beds and the lounge is only just big enough for a small 4 seater corner sofa and Dh likes to stay up late and will not want him asleep on the sofa or waiting for him to go to bed.
I do think that him moving home will cause a lot of friction In our marriage and there is no guarantee he will find anything soon or another place to live.'

So this is a stepdad (your DH) exacerbated issue. And also your sons' biological dad - where is he?

Another step family where step 'parent' don't care about biological children (yes yes your son is an adult, but the principle remains). We'd all do everything for our kids, whatever their age.

What does your DH propose is best to do to help your son out?

OP why you excusing your DHs poor behaviour? He likes to stay up late so your son won’t be able to move in?

Get a grip OP. This is a temporary situation, where your child is in need of help and care. Just like your other child needs your support and care in a different way, youre fully committed to providing that. This should also extend to your other child, where the only support you will need to provide a roof over his head for a few months while he gets back on his feet.

Stop looking for excuses, stop trying to justify your DHs shitty behaviour and just get on with it.

OP wont put her DS in the lounge because it is more important that her DH stays up watching TV instead.

Wow, just say you and your husband come first, you know full well he could move in and pay for his own food, your husband doesn’t want him there and you’re prioritising that,

But she is not dead or abroad, so that is a moot point.

Oh well then tell him to jog on,