Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

Well isnt your husband a prince among men. He's the one who doesn't want your adult dc there, in reality isn't he? I'd chuck him out before I let him dictate that my dc couldn't stay temporarily.

If having your son move in with you for a while until he gets back on his feet is going to spell the end of your marriage, it is not a very good marriage is it? I would never be married to a man who would stand by and see my child become homeless.

I think what you are actually saying is that you are married to a selfish man who will make your life hell if he has to make any compromises to his life, in order to keep your son off the streets.

Would that be an accurate summary @nomorestripes ?

You shouldn't put your DH before your son and he shouldn't want you to. Your DS is assuming that he can come home and kids should be able to assume that.

Why don't you get bunk beds for the small bedroom and ask for £200 a month rent?

It's not as if he's not looking for work. He's doing his best.

Your child needs a roof over his head, you put up and make room. This would be non-negotiable in my home.

Oh FFS. When my DD left uni during the financial crisis, she ended up applying for every single job she could find. I sat with her while she was applying for cleaning jobs in hospitals and apx 60 similar jobs. And she didn't hear back from a single one of them.

This place does my head in. It's so middle class that people simply can't imagine a tiny house with a living room that can only fit a corner sofa and nothing else. Or a life with a disabled child in the same two bedroomed tiny house. And they think that anyone can just go out and get a cleaning job or a job at Macdonald's. And that anyone can just dump a contract that they signed, and cycle to this job that was so easy to find, when they live rurally.

I'm going to guess that there's a contract involved with his shared house, too.

There's lots of things you can do to help him that don't involve him moving in.
Go through his expenses with a fine tooth comb and get them as low as possible.
His car insurance is really expensive. Can he sell the car and get a cheaper one which has lower insurance?
His phone is expensive, mine is £10pm. Can he switch? He should call the phone company and let them know his new situation.
What other outgoings does he have?
Get a job, any job. Help him find vacancies & make good applications.
Presumably some of his housing is covered? How much? Does he have any savings? Do you have any savings?

He can sort this.

This!

I know some people are surprised that a mother would prioritise her new husband or partner over her own child, but unfortunately, there are parents like that. My friend works in social services and the number of parents who choose to stay with abusive partners rather than protect their own children is staggering.
OP, if your husband can’t tolerate your child being around temporarily, then I think you have much bigger issues to address. Also, how much is this your narrative and how much is it your husband’s?

Self employed cleaning is always a good option. £18-20/hour.

All people on the streets are a priority for housing. Some men become institutionalised to living on the streets and other factors such as addiction keep them there. Anyone who presents to a council as immediately homeless (as in I'm homeless right now, not next week when my landlord kicks me out) is too priority.

If helping out your child destroys your marriage then you never had a veey strong marriage to begin with Im afraid.

Ive got step kids, there is one I don't get on with particularly well but there is absolutely no way I'd see them on the streets.

That is your son! And your 4 year olds brother. How would you feel explaining to him when he's older that you'd let his brother sleep rough when there was a perfectly good sofa. Shocking.

Jeez I wouldn't be happy but he'd be living with me even reading some of these replies have upset my chakra 😂

I would find a way to let him stay to get back on his feet otherwise there is a very real chance he could end up homeless with more difficulties then in getting a job. If he drives he could look for delivery work for now maybe. And from his UC, pay some keep and also make himself useful babysitting and doing chores. Not easy for any of you but that's what family is for.

Are you a man though? It is well known that women have a tougher time on the streets, so they would get priority.

What a sad situation. Surely if your son paid for food then your DH would not be supporting him?
what about friends and other family? Car insurance is a lot - is it a fancy car he could exchange for a cheaper one?

I’m surprised no one has mentioned him taking in ironing. Maybe the more modern version is having and OF or selling pics of his feet.
I’d let him move in, but it sounds like you have bigger problems.

When I was younger, my neighbours were involved in the house fire and they were put up in a house owned by the local Church. The youngest child had to share the bedroom with the parents, which was a tiny room with a double bed. She had the narrowest of blowup mattresses on the floor, squished right up against the wall and she was about 12.

They had to make do. It was temporary like it would be with your son.

The best option in all this is for the four-year-old to squeeze in somewhere in your room. Unless he has disabilities, that means he needs a special bed he can’t be so big that he can’t squeeze onto a small space like a described above?
I do appreciate the disabilities could have a big impact on your options, although you haven’t mentioned that.

Your DH sounds unsupportive. I get his position and I guess agreeing to this without an unknown endpoint is tricky.

The key point is probably whether he will have any access to money/benefit benefits if he moves in with you. If he does the low wage point is negated.
He needs to find ways to cut his outgoings for example £50 a month for a phone is ridiculous Although it could be locked into a contract.
Maybe he needs to sell his car and down grade.

I’m sorry, this is a shit situation to be in for all of you . In your shoes, though I’d be feeling disappointed that my husband was so in supportive of stepson

I would hope even at 43, if I fell on hard times, my mum would take me in 🙂

I agree with pp, it's not as if he's been a dosser all his life and is taking the mickey, he's just going through a bad patch. You're his mum. And 27 is still young. I'm sure he won't want to stay for too long if he can help it!

Well let him sleep on a park bench then! You’ve got your answer, dh wants to watch the telly.

If your ds gets UC why does your dh need to be keeping him?

Letting the car go to end insurance payments won’t work - the insurance company will still want the payments for the entire term of the contract.

I don't think it's just the DH who doesn't want to help...

It sounds like you have a very toxic relationship with your husband. To prioritise your husband’s need to watch late-night tv over ensuring your eldest son has a roof over his head is shocking.

You’ve married a right prince amongst men

My daughter was made redundant and was in the same situation. She felt she had a better chance of getting a job where she was, and like your son the amount in benefits did not cover her costs.
I was able to give her the difference, so she could survive. She then decided to do her teacher training and only got a 10,000 grant, so I carried on helping her until she finished the year training.
Could your partner help look after your son in the evenings or weekends and you could get a part time job? This would certainly help….