Page 34 | Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

nomorestripes · 2026-10-20T14:32:35+00:00

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job. He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive. I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old. My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room. We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child. He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is. But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room. I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

Youcantrustchocolate · 21/10/2026 14:01

Malasana · 20/10/2026 16:29

For those saying he doesn’t need a £50 phone contract, you’re right. But if he has one, it’s exactly that - a contract. You can’t just come out of a contract because it’ll have a minimum term on it.
The job market is really difficult at the moment so he won’t necessarily be able to get something immediately.
OP - I get it’ll be hard in a small house but he’s your son. Can you honestly tell him he can’t move in?

Finally a sensible answer.

Cailin66 · 21/10/2026 14:13

Imseriouslyyouguys · 21/10/2026 10:40

So because you know one person who easily secured jobs in London, you extrapolate that to mean that everyone can easily get a job anywhere in the country?!

Show quote history

Not one person, there are others, but this one person is my child, who moved from abroad to London and got two jobs within a week. I’ve been on Mumsnet for the last few years reading many many posts stating there are no jobs. Which made me worried, that my adult child was delusional about getting work.

Their first job after college was in a restaurant/bar here on the continent, they had decided to take a gap year, so we set off in the car and I made them get out at various places to get a job. From that and other “mortifying” experiences they were brave enough in London to walk into places and ask for a job.

There is nothing easy about it, but you have to make an effort. You have to show up on time. Be competent. Be hard working. And be willing to work.

RampantIvy · 21/10/2026 14:15

Cailin66 · 21/10/2026 14:13

Not one person, there are others, but this one person is my child, who moved from abroad to London and got two jobs within a week. I’ve been on Mumsnet for the last few years reading many many posts stating there are no jobs. Which made me worried, that my adult child was delusional about getting work.

Their first job after college was in a restaurant/bar here on the continent, they had decided to take a gap year, so we set off in the car and I made them get out at various places to get a job. From that and other “mortifying” experiences they were brave enough in London to walk into places and ask for a job.

There is nothing easy about it, but you have to make an effort. You have to show up on time. Be competent. Be hard working. And be willing to work.

Show quote history

Jobs are probably more plentiful in London though. You must be aware of that, surely?

Original poster

nomorestripes · 21/10/2026 14:18

Scarlettpixie · 21/10/2026 13:00

If he came back and slept on the sofa, he could contribute £100 per month towards food. That would leave him with £150 after his car insurance and phone and that will just have to be enough until he gets a job. You say he is making lots of effort to find work so hopefully it won't take too long. If you son wants dinners and you don't get him to cook and make enough for more than one day. Explain how tight the food budget is and that it will still be tight even with his contribution. He will manage/find cheap ways to eat.

I couldn't be with a man who wouldn't accept my son living with us during a period of short term hardship. Your husband will just have to watch TV in bed while he is there (using headphones/sleep masks/ear plugs if you have different sleep schedules. Don't assume he cannot help with your DD either. He is 27. By now he could easily have a 4 yo disabled DD of his own and would cope then.

My son will always have a home with me if he needs it. While I plan to downsize once he is done with uni, is working and has his own home, I will make sure I could accommodate him although if he comes back in his late 20's after a few years way that would likely be with much less space than he currently has.

I noticed a lot of people are saying he doesn't need to be spending £50 on a phone but it is likely he has been tied into a contract which included the phone itself. Not much he can do about that in the short term, although once his contract is up, encourage him to move to a £10 contract.

He hasn’t said he doesn’t accept him living with us, as I have said lots of times he knows he will likely have no choice but to come here.
Dh likes his downtime and the lounge is very tiny with just room for one small 4 seater corner sofa with minimal space and if that becomes a bedroom then we lose the only small family space in the home.
Ds is very hyper and full on and he finds him a lot when he’s here especially if he’s tired, it’s just a mismatch in energy and he’s allowed to struggle with that, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t accept him.

He also doesn’t want to be out of pocket by having him here and he doesn’t want to lose housing benefit on top of keeping him which Ds is not going to be able to make up. I feel that is the main issue for him that it will cost him money he can’t afford to lose so he feels penalised before anything so even £100 for food is technically just covering the housing deduction and not food at all.

I was also a 27 year old with adhd at one point with an 8 year old and moved from tenancy to tenancy until we were here but I didn’t expect any help from my parents nor did I get any but I think it’s different when it’s a poor helpless man.
My biggest worry is that once he moves in he will not ever manage to move out again, he lives in utter filth at the moment and we will all be on top of each other and there will be tension especially as he will be out of work and here all day so of course it will be stifling but nobody has said he will be left on the street.
Personalities clash, it doesn’t mean not loved or cared for but it’s ok to find someone too loud and full on that you struggle with the prospect of having them here continuously in such small confinment.
My parents love me but they wouldn’t want me living there, we get on well when we visit or meet up but that’s enough and we enjoy having ds over for visits but it’s ok not to relish the idea of him never going home.
That doesn’t mean he will be on the streets but of course our home will be a lot less comfortable because we don’t have room to accommodate another man that’s just fact but never has it been said anywhere that he will have to sleep on the streets.
My gripe is why the financial fallout lies with Dh by losing the financial help given to us which we need for our 4yo just for bailing him out.

OP posts:

Dancingintherain09 · 21/10/2026 14:21

Has he been on entitled to.

He then needs to downgrade his phone contract and loom for cheaper insurance. If its because of the type of car he has he needs to look at downgrading to a car that is cheap to run and insure.
(This isn't the time for pride)
He needs to look at all his outgoings and cut everything that he can.

Then his benefits should cover the basics food and rent.

Another option is putting his car as SORN until he is back working again and can afford to run it.

Granville82 · 21/10/2026 14:23

nomorestripes · 21/10/2026 14:18

He hasn’t said he doesn’t accept him living with us, as I have said lots of times he knows he will likely have no choice but to come here.
Dh likes his downtime and the lounge is very tiny with just room for one small 4 seater corner sofa with minimal space and if that becomes a bedroom then we lose the only small family space in the home.
Ds is very hyper and full on and he finds him a lot when he’s here especially if he’s tired, it’s just a mismatch in energy and he’s allowed to struggle with that, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t accept him.

He also doesn’t want to be out of pocket by having him here and he doesn’t want to lose housing benefit on top of keeping him which Ds is not going to be able to make up. I feel that is the main issue for him that it will cost him money he can’t afford to lose so he feels penalised before anything so even £100 for food is technically just covering the housing deduction and not food at all.

I was also a 27 year old with adhd at one point with an 8 year old and moved from tenancy to tenancy until we were here but I didn’t expect any help from my parents nor did I get any but I think it’s different when it’s a poor helpless man.
My biggest worry is that once he moves in he will not ever manage to move out again, he lives in utter filth at the moment and we will all be on top of each other and there will be tension especially as he will be out of work and here all day so of course it will be stifling but nobody has said he will be left on the street.
Personalities clash, it doesn’t mean not loved or cared for but it’s ok to find someone too loud and full on that you struggle with the prospect of having them here continuously in such small confinment.
My parents love me but they wouldn’t want me living there, we get on well when we visit or meet up but that’s enough and we enjoy having ds over for visits but it’s ok not to relish the idea of him never going home.
That doesn’t mean he will be on the streets but of course our home will be a lot less comfortable because we don’t have room to accommodate another man that’s just fact but never has it been said anywhere that he will have to sleep on the streets.
My gripe is why the financial fallout lies with Dh by losing the financial help given to us which we need for our 4yo just for bailing him out.

Show quote history

Don't do it OP. You know it's the wrong thing to do. Your son is nearly 30 and now the author of his own life.

1ladybird · 21/10/2026 14:23

You say that your 4yr old DC sleeps in bedroom that adult DC used to have. Is this a privately rented/ owned home or council/ housing association home?

If you need some leverage to persuade DH that it’s adult DCs home too in times of need… if it is council then you got the tenancy due to adult DC all those years ago.

They are impossible to come by now and being a married couple, even with a disabled child, you’d have been unlikely to get one for your new family unit.

Just a thought it DH is not on board with helping eldest. Grasping at straws maybe but a valid point.

You can’t see him homeless. If he’s a grafter I’m quite sure he will secure a new job within a couple of months and be keen to move out and have his own space.

If it is council and longer term can you do a trade in with someone for 3 bed?? Might be better in long term if 4 year old is disabled and might benefit from more space in future?

Bottom line is DH needs to support you to support eldest child so that they are not homeless if there are no other solutions. Good luck, not an easy situation I appreciate and there is no easy answer.

BruFord · 21/10/2026 14:24

@nomorestripes What's your suggested solution then?

I'm guessing that as a single parent, you were always prioritised for housing so at 27, you were in a different situation to him. He isn't going to be prioritised for housing, is he.

He does sound like a difficult houseguest, but it sounds as if no one else will take him.

dapsnotplimsolls · 21/10/2026 14:26

I don't think any 28 year old is entitled to move back with their parents unless there are extreme circumstances. He needs to find somewhere cheaper to live, even if that means moving to a different area. Plenty of people move to find work - he might be more likely to find somewhere if he looks elsewhere.

BruFord · 21/10/2026 14:27

Granville82 · 21/10/2026 14:23

Don't do it OP. You know it's the wrong thing to do. Your son is nearly 30 and now the author of his own life.

Show quote history

@Granville82 Generally I agree that 27-year-olds need to stand on their own feet, but in this instance, he may literally end up on the streets. He's looking for a job so I think his Mum needs to help him in this instance.

@dapsnotplimsolls I agree that he's not entitled to move back in, but I think he may have to in this instance. Unless he can find somewhere cheaper than his current room.

Morereadingthanposting · 21/10/2026 14:32

I get you want to take ds in but why so passive about him being a pita house guest? Surely it is made clear that a) first thing out of his benefits is keeping you whole for your loss b) it’s not your job to source and cook him more hot meals than you do the rest of the family c) you set rules around him making the bed back onto a sofa each morning being out of the house at certain times etc . Better to outline these upfront as condition of moving in then waiting for stress later.

PropertyD · 21/10/2026 14:33

Ok, I am going to say it. This is the result of blended families.

Have a relationship break down, meet someone else, have a child with a man who clearly has no real interest in children from previous relationships. Dont earn huge amounts and with the massive increase in people saying that are ND, ADHD etc you have a boiling pot and the lid will blow.

I realise I now need to put on my tin hat but honestly why do people make decisions of their own and then baffingly wonder when something goes wrong with one of those elements.

Yes, I didnt want to take on anyone else's kids. I would rather have stayed single so my children are just mine and DH. Why make things more complex?

BruFord · 21/10/2026 14:37

Morereadingthanposting · 21/10/2026 14:32

I get you want to take ds in but why so passive about him being a pita house guest? Surely it is made clear that a) first thing out of his benefits is keeping you whole for your loss b) it’s not your job to source and cook him more hot meals than you do the rest of the family c) you set rules around him making the bed back onto a sofa each morning being out of the house at certain times etc . Better to outline these upfront as condition of moving in then waiting for stress later.

@Morereadingthanposting Yep, make the house rules crystal clear from day 1.

Morereadingthanposting · 21/10/2026 14:38

“will fall on Dh to fill the fridge with proper meals to support a grown man” this one irritated me on you and your dh’s behalf. If ds wants more food than anyone else on the house is getting he can swallow his pride and drive his car to the food bank, and then cook it! (Ideally for all of you!!! In lieu of rent!)

SevenYellowHammers · 21/10/2026 14:38

I don’t know OP. Refer to adult social services or a housing officer. Both your children are needy in different ways. I am sorry you’re facing all this worry. I would have thought, if your son has to be on a sofa , he’s homeless? Is your current home yours, rented, HA?

Nevermind31 · 21/10/2026 14:53

nomorestripes · 21/10/2026 14:18

He hasn’t said he doesn’t accept him living with us, as I have said lots of times he knows he will likely have no choice but to come here.
Dh likes his downtime and the lounge is very tiny with just room for one small 4 seater corner sofa with minimal space and if that becomes a bedroom then we lose the only small family space in the home.
Ds is very hyper and full on and he finds him a lot when he’s here especially if he’s tired, it’s just a mismatch in energy and he’s allowed to struggle with that, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t accept him.

He also doesn’t want to be out of pocket by having him here and he doesn’t want to lose housing benefit on top of keeping him which Ds is not going to be able to make up. I feel that is the main issue for him that it will cost him money he can’t afford to lose so he feels penalised before anything so even £100 for food is technically just covering the housing deduction and not food at all.

I was also a 27 year old with adhd at one point with an 8 year old and moved from tenancy to tenancy until we were here but I didn’t expect any help from my parents nor did I get any but I think it’s different when it’s a poor helpless man.
My biggest worry is that once he moves in he will not ever manage to move out again, he lives in utter filth at the moment and we will all be on top of each other and there will be tension especially as he will be out of work and here all day so of course it will be stifling but nobody has said he will be left on the street.
Personalities clash, it doesn’t mean not loved or cared for but it’s ok to find someone too loud and full on that you struggle with the prospect of having them here continuously in such small confinment.
My parents love me but they wouldn’t want me living there, we get on well when we visit or meet up but that’s enough and we enjoy having ds over for visits but it’s ok not to relish the idea of him never going home.
That doesn’t mean he will be on the streets but of course our home will be a lot less comfortable because we don’t have room to accommodate another man that’s just fact but never has it been said anywhere that he will have to sleep on the streets.
My gripe is why the financial fallout lies with Dh by losing the financial help given to us which we need for our 4yo just for bailing him out.

Show quote history

Why do you lose housing benefit if your son stays with you temporarily?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 21/10/2026 14:53

TheSnootiestFox · 21/10/2026 12:32

Quite. Although if it meant that I couldn't look after the child I already had if it ever came to it, I wouldn't have been having another one almost a quarter of a century later with another man. That was a choice the OP made.

Show quote history

I agree. I don’t see the point in cementing a new relationship with a new baby. I’d be working towards ensuring a my DS has a good life by gaining employment. Not in the throes of nappies and budgeting pennies again after twenty odd years.
Especially these days when many youngsters have a safety net.
The whole point is that the next generation do better than their parents when you grow up without much.

Agatha1989 · 21/10/2026 14:54

So ultimately you don’t want to offer your adult son a temporary home. Tell him. I hope he has friends who will offer him accommodation in the meantime.

TheSnootiestFox · 21/10/2026 14:56

So @nomorestripes , what's your answer then? I mean you could always give/loan him the deposit for his own place and get your address book out and call round your friends with businesses to find him a job...if you're not in that happy position then you've got two options, make up the sofa for him or see him on the streets.

And as for being a poor helpless man, in my experience its always the young single mothers (and I've been one, admittedly not when I was young and through divorce) that are demanding help. I was also a 21 year old with (then undiagnosed) adhd. The September before I was 21, I overcame the most hideous childhood and got myself off to university, with no help from mum, and dad had died slap bang in the middle of my a-levels which is one of the things that derailed me. At no point would I have thought having a baby was a good idea. By 27, I had a degree, a PGCE, a full time teaching job, had completed a paid internship in upstate New York for a year and had moved into my own flat with a mortgage, still with undiagnosed ADHD and still could see having a baby on my own (and I'd have loved one by that age) was not a good idea.

As I said earlier, you make choices in life, you've crafted your own situation and now is your chance to make sure history doesn't repeat itself with your son. Don't mess up again!

EmeraldShamrock000 · 21/10/2026 14:56

Morereadingthanposting · 21/10/2026 14:38

“will fall on Dh to fill the fridge with proper meals to support a grown man” this one irritated me on you and your dh’s behalf. If ds wants more food than anyone else on the house is getting he can swallow his pride and drive his car to the food bank, and then cook it! (Ideally for all of you!!! In lieu of rent!)

DS hasn’t asked for them to supply food. I am sure he is used to buying food and cooking food. He can offer 40 towards food, 20 electric from his weekly payment.

Paganpentacle · 21/10/2026 14:58

MeridaBrave · 20/10/2026 15:38

He is 27. You might have moved away or abroad. You’ll have to tell him that you don’t have space.

My kids ( 24 and 28) know they will ALWAYS have a roof over their heads.

OttersOnAPlane · 21/10/2026 15:02

Paganpentacle · 21/10/2026 14:58

My kids ( 24 and 28) know they will ALWAYS have a roof over their heads.

Show quote history

That's great in theory. In practice, it sounds like the OP's housing situation AND financial situation can't stretch to have another adult, aside from for a couple of nights on a sofa.

I do everything I can for my adult children, but I know that's a privileged position to be in. Being on a very low income with a significantly disabled 4 year old in cramped conditions doesn't leave the OP many options.

Arabelllllllla · 21/10/2026 15:02

nomorestripes · 21/10/2026 14:18

He hasn’t said he doesn’t accept him living with us, as I have said lots of times he knows he will likely have no choice but to come here.
Dh likes his downtime and the lounge is very tiny with just room for one small 4 seater corner sofa with minimal space and if that becomes a bedroom then we lose the only small family space in the home.
Ds is very hyper and full on and he finds him a lot when he’s here especially if he’s tired, it’s just a mismatch in energy and he’s allowed to struggle with that, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t accept him.

He also doesn’t want to be out of pocket by having him here and he doesn’t want to lose housing benefit on top of keeping him which Ds is not going to be able to make up. I feel that is the main issue for him that it will cost him money he can’t afford to lose so he feels penalised before anything so even £100 for food is technically just covering the housing deduction and not food at all.

I was also a 27 year old with adhd at one point with an 8 year old and moved from tenancy to tenancy until we were here but I didn’t expect any help from my parents nor did I get any but I think it’s different when it’s a poor helpless man.
My biggest worry is that once he moves in he will not ever manage to move out again, he lives in utter filth at the moment and we will all be on top of each other and there will be tension especially as he will be out of work and here all day so of course it will be stifling but nobody has said he will be left on the street.
Personalities clash, it doesn’t mean not loved or cared for but it’s ok to find someone too loud and full on that you struggle with the prospect of having them here continuously in such small confinment.
My parents love me but they wouldn’t want me living there, we get on well when we visit or meet up but that’s enough and we enjoy having ds over for visits but it’s ok not to relish the idea of him never going home.
That doesn’t mean he will be on the streets but of course our home will be a lot less comfortable because we don’t have room to accommodate another man that’s just fact but never has it been said anywhere that he will have to sleep on the streets.
My gripe is why the financial fallout lies with Dh by losing the financial help given to us which we need for our 4yo just for bailing him out.

Show quote history

You literally wrote a post yesterday saying your parents WOULD help you. Your story keeps changing, it's totally unreliable and presumably you're backtracking due the overwhelming backlash.

"I could have written this about my own parents too but I’m not in the same position as my own parents."

If you asked for their help and they didn't give it to you then that would be appalling on their part. But doesnt sound like that happened?

I will never get over parents who say "I struggled so why shouldn't my child put up with the same". Why even have a child if that's how you feel? I have adhd and I would never want my kid to struggle the same way I have. Thats not babying them, its being a supportive parent.

Many many people have given you advice on the financial side of things. You have chosen to ignore it, particularly when it shows that your DH doesn't have to fully support your DS because of benefits etc

Truly the level of resentment you harbour towards your own child is worrying. Yet again you've doubled down on putting DH out financially, and btw you did open your posts saying "we can't have DC here" so stop now pretending we've all made that up.

Original poster

nomorestripes · 21/10/2026 15:03

PropertyD · 21/10/2026 14:33

Ok, I am going to say it. This is the result of blended families.

Have a relationship break down, meet someone else, have a child with a man who clearly has no real interest in children from previous relationships. Dont earn huge amounts and with the massive increase in people saying that are ND, ADHD etc you have a boiling pot and the lid will blow.

I realise I now need to put on my tin hat but honestly why do people make decisions of their own and then baffingly wonder when something goes wrong with one of those elements.

Yes, I didnt want to take on anyone else's kids. I would rather have stayed single so my children are just mine and DH. Why make things more complex?

So if your mum met someone else after you’d moved out as an adult into your own place with a partner, would you then at 27 years old expect her new husband to take financial responsibility for you even if he couldn’t afford to? and if did but seemed reluctant, you’d decide he has no real interest in children?

OP posts:

CitizenofMoronia · 21/10/2026 15:06

jobs he can do to tide him over while looking -
agency work, lots of warehouse work is via an agency
delivery work - amazon flex its coming up to chrismas there will be loads
post office christmas deliverys

both myself and my son get full time positions from doing agency work, some companies get someone in and its less risk for them than the hiring process to take them on permanant.